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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting other mums - rejection

94 replies

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 06:57

Started going to some baby groups with DD. Met lots of lovely mums with children about the same age. I really enjoy the classes and feel like I'm building a good network of people. I live in a high cost of living area (it is the only place I can afford because of the discounted rent). The other mums I have met are all very intelligent and successful people: thinks doctors, lawyers, surgeons, high flying Londoners. They inspire me and seeing their success motivates me to study and do better for myself. All positive so far.

There is one mum who seems to have snubbed me and I'm not sure how to go forward from here as our paths will cross frequently. She seemed very friendly, and I thought we were getting on well. She bought me a coffee (she insisted), we talked for a long time, went for a walk. I enjoyed her company and thought we had got on great. We greeted each other at the class the following week, she seemed a bit off so I didn't push it. She was avoiding eye contact, and when she spoke gave me a very forced smile.

I arranged to meet up with a different mum this week after our usual class. Afterwards the mum who seems to have a problem with me asked 'does anyone want coffee?' (not looking at me when she said it). The mum I had planned to go out with said we going out and invited her and a 4th mum along - the more the merrier. So 4 of us went out. She then paid for the 4th mums drink, sat at a small table with her essential creating two groups. I couldn't help but think she was doing the same thing with this mum (ie. Being very friendly to work out if they were competition or friend material). Shortly after we sat down next to them with our drinks she excused herself. We stayed for an hour and a half and had a lovely time.

I sent her a message with some info about an event we had spoken about 2 weeks ago but she never replied. The thing that hurt the most was that I saw her role her eyes whilst my baby was getting some attention from the person leading the group.

I know it's not a big deal, you can't expect to get on with everyone. It's strange because I had thought we got on well. It feels like she was being nice only to try and suss me out and then decided I wasn't good enough to be her friend - so complete rejection. The trouble is our paths will inevitably cross, how do I go from here?

Ps. I've never been one of the girls and am clueless about how to deal with friendship drama so any advice would be appreciated.

YABU - you are being over sensitive
YANBU - she has made it clear she doesn't want to socialise with you

OP posts:
Original poster
ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 07:38

GoldenSunflowers · 03/10/2024 07:36

Don’t waste energy on trying to work her out or “win her back”. She’s angling for the queen bee position, the king maker, who’s in, who’s out. Ignore and spend your energy with people who matter more and bring calm and joy.

That was the vibe I was getting. I didn't make the cut and that's ok 😊

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 03/10/2024 07:39

I didn’t vote because YABU - you are being over sensitive you’ve just met her, she clearly has no interest in a friendship with you which is ok. Not everyone at groups has to have a relationship but also
YANBU - she has made it clear she doesn't want to socialise with you which again is ok we don’t have to be friends with everyone.
I think I’d just focus on the people that are wanting to be friends, when you cross paths say hi but doesn’t have to be more than that

Sluj · 03/10/2024 07:50

I agree with watching Motherland on Netflix. It's a very funny series about mum friendships and jostling for position. Just be polite and thankful you've had a lucky escape !

Outnumberedmummy2022 · 03/10/2024 07:52

Sluj · 03/10/2024 07:50

I agree with watching Motherland on Netflix. It's a very funny series about mum friendships and jostling for position. Just be polite and thankful you've had a lucky escape !

Yeah it put a very funny spin on it all doesn’t it. I loved it

BeMintBee · 03/10/2024 08:00

One thing I’ve learnt more recently and takes away a lot of angst with friendships and acquaintances is to just matching people’s energy rather than trying too hard or over thinking every interaction. Don’t bother trying to unpick or understand it because you won’t really get to the bottom of it and inevitably end up thinking it’s a you problem and chances are she’s not even giving you a second thought!

Itsmychristmasdress · 03/10/2024 08:01

I think half of this bitchyness that people talk about is in their heads. You don't need to be friends with wvery mum who is in your baby group /school gates. You are all individuals.
Op is talking about competitiveness and social status and in my opinion casting a lot of aspersions on nothing.

Abridget7 · 03/10/2024 08:05

Mum friendships are very fickle - would you be friends with any of these people if it weren’t for your children? Some friendships last, but many don’t. Especially when people return to work.
So enjoy it but don’t get too overly invested.

TizerorFizz · 03/10/2024 08:11

I went to an NCT group. When our babies were around 1 year old, we had various parties for the DC and after those seemed to go well, I was dropped. I realised some were still meeting up but two of us (I believe) were dropped. I came across them in a woodland playground one day completely by chance. Relationships come to an end and I didn’t miss them but it does make you feel barely tolerated. Maybe it was because I had an epidural! I don’t know.

Even wierder, a women came up to me ma couple of years ago. I did recognise her as the Queen bee mum. She said hi - it is Tizer, isn’t it? She told me her DD was a doctor (obviously). Some people just cannot help themselves, 28 years later! She would never have spoken if her DD was a shop assistant. You just have to put up with it. Be friends with who you do like but be aware people tend to like “people like them” best. School will bring this into focus too.

Mnetcurious · 03/10/2024 08:11

I can understand why you felt hurt. I suggest still being pleasant towards her when you see her but focus your energy on the other mums who are more friendly towards you. Sounds like it’s more her issue than something you did.

Original poster
ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 08:23

@Itsmychristmasdress that's a bit harsh and definitely not in my head. Im not trying to force a friendship, nor complaining about bitchiness, but trying to understand whether I am reading the situation right and seeking advice on the best way to deal with it as our paths will inevitably cross as DDs are the same age

OP posts:
MrsForgetalot · 03/10/2024 08:30

Why are you focusing so much on this one negative encounter instead of on the other positive ones?

I’m not trying to be snarky (it’s hard to convey tone in a short post) but it’s an important question to ask yourself. I’m very sensitive to perceived rejection (Google RSD) and I tend to magnify these things which can actually be more of a problem than the original problem. It’s helped me a lot to understand that trait.

Didimum · 03/10/2024 08:32

I just don’t think this is worth your energy. Move on with the people that give you good reciprocation of your efforts.

User645262 · 03/10/2024 08:35

Going to be blunt here as you self proclaim that you "can't read social cues" and the opening thread is massively overanalysing a situation that most people probably won't be bothered about. Have you considered you might be neurodivergent? If so, then the answer is simple as many neurotypical people don't click with neurodivergents. ND tend to mask heavily trying to fit in but this is sometimes perceived by neurotypicals as slightly odd, "uncanny valley" or entirely unintentionally as rude. Nobody is at fault here and it's just one of those things. You cannot make everyone like you. Even though your children are the same age, it's still possible to just maintain civil contact with this mum without it being awkward. Mum friendships are extremely fleeting and chances are you won't ever see her again once your kids are off to different nurseries or if one or more of the mutual friend group moves away.

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:27

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 08:23

@Itsmychristmasdress that's a bit harsh and definitely not in my head. Im not trying to force a friendship, nor complaining about bitchiness, but trying to understand whether I am reading the situation right and seeking advice on the best way to deal with it as our paths will inevitably cross as DDs are the same age

“definitely not in my head”

no “definitely” about it Op

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:29

Itsmychristmasdress · 03/10/2024 08:01

I think half of this bitchyness that people talk about is in their heads. You don't need to be friends with wvery mum who is in your baby group /school gates. You are all individuals.
Op is talking about competitiveness and social status and in my opinion casting a lot of aspersions on nothing.

agreed

I would imagine this woman would be shocked by the OP’s negative assumptions about her when all she’s done is bought the OP the coffee and then not make a point in seeking the Op out again

and as for the eye roll… telling that the Op missed the joke on this very short thread from another poster

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:32

does anyone want coffee?' (not looking at me when she said it).

good grief op
leave the poor woman alone!

Original poster
ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 09:36

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:29

agreed

I would imagine this woman would be shocked by the OP’s negative assumptions about her when all she’s done is bought the OP the coffee and then not make a point in seeking the Op out again

and as for the eye roll… telling that the Op missed the joke on this very short thread from another poster

Show quote history

I haven't made any negative assumptions about her. I thought she was great company, I admire her as an individual. I thought we were getting on great, felt a bit hurt by the rejection. I've found it difficult to work out her behaviours since. I've respected her boundaries and kept my distance but I'm going to be seeing this lady regularly so it would be good to know where we stand so I'm not left guessing.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 03/10/2024 09:36

You’re overthinking it OP. Who knows what she’s thinking, she could be a scheming bitch or she might be bad a social interaction herself. She could have a had a sleepless night, not be getting on with her DH, missing work and not enjoying motherhood. You do you.

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:38

ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 09:36

I haven't made any negative assumptions about her. I thought she was great company, I admire her as an individual. I thought we were getting on great, felt a bit hurt by the rejection. I've found it difficult to work out her behaviours since. I've respected her boundaries and kept my distance but I'm going to be seeing this lady regularly so it would be good to know where we stand so I'm not left guessing.

Show quote history

reread your own thread OP

yes you have made negative assumption

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:38

What are your other friendships like?

Have you got a good group of close friends? Have you experienced issues with friends like this before?

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:39

fruitbrewhaha · 03/10/2024 09:36

You’re overthinking it OP. Who knows what she’s thinking, she could be a scheming bitch or she might be bad a social interaction herself. She could have a had a sleepless night, not be getting on with her DH, missing work and not enjoying motherhood. You do you.

yup

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:41

handful of your negative assumptions

couldn't help but think she was doing the same thing with this mum (ie. Being very friendly to work out if they were competition or friend material

she avoided eye contact and forced a smile at me

she rolled her eyes at your baby

and there’s more. All negative assumptions

Interestingly, you don’t see it as such

Topjoe19 · 03/10/2024 09:41

Honestly don't worry or bother trying to work her out. Just smile & be civil. It's honestly best to not try to make friends as such, just acquaintances you have coffee with now & again - it's easier that way as you won't get any mum group dramas if you keep slightly aloof.

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:42

If she hadn’t suggested coffee to the group

would you have?

Original poster
ANightingaleSang · 03/10/2024 09:43

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 09:38

What are your other friendships like?

Have you got a good group of close friends? Have you experienced issues with friends like this before?

Ive got a great network of long term friends. Had no issues with the other mums. Never been part of the in-group at school but that's never bothered me.

OP posts: