I think this is the most vile thing I have ever heard *Trigger warning Suicide

[TheSpoonyNavyReader]

For context this is about a family member I am supporting.

Her son has mental health issues, he is 23 ASC,ADHD, Depression, her partner not her DS Dad, has decided that he can not move back into their home after a suicide attempt.

This is causing issues, family member wants her son at home and to support him as her son is finally on the right meds, and has made progress.

Family member and her partner have been having conversations around son moving home, he is calling her son a useless prick and that he wants nothing to do with him ever. Family member is saying that he tried to take his own life, her partner is saying that it was all fake, and if he did take his own life he would finally have something to be proud of him getting right....

Family member is trapped in a house that she can not afford by herself, she is scared to be by herself, how do I help?

This is the most awful thing I have ever heard.

This has to be the end of the relationship surely?

Agreed. This is not a pick me moment. The fact it is being manipulated into one speaks volumes.

How do you know?

I don't know. And neither do you. However the poster has not mentioned problematic behaviour from the vulnerable DC. Only that they were so depressed they attempted suicide. They have mentioned some extreme unsympathetic behaviour from the partner. As I said before a rational parent would not behave like this. It is not supportive or caring.

Yes, a few recent posts have made points that have slightly changed my mind.

I've lived with a family member with mental health issues. It's incredibly difficult, even if they're relatively passive. We don't know how OP 's son's issues have manifested themselves within the family home, and what effect they've had on her partner and (more importantly) the other children. I suspect that OP 's words haven't come out of nowhere.

A halfway house transition would give OP and get partner time to decide what their future is. And the other children also need to be considered.

Well, exactly. The OP hasn't actually said anything about the 23yo's behaviour. You don't know that he hasn't been aggressive, destructive and terrorising the family before this suicide attempt and that is why the partner wants nothing more to do with him.

Op is worried about the DC and not the partner. There's your clue.

What clue? The OP is related to the mother and therefore the 23-year-old.

It sounds awful what he said about your friends son. But it was undoubtedly in anger.

Understanding mental illness can be really difficult. I'm not condoning hurtful behaviour. But It's not uncommon for people to react with anger or disbelief when someone attempts suicide or endangers their life during psychosis.

They simply can't understand how someone could feel bad enough to do such a thing. So they kind of try and push it away. Accuse the person of 'faking it'. The truth is a lot more scary to face upto for many people. And that rationality doesn't come into it.

Please tell your friend her son comes first and you'll be fully supportive of whatever she needs to do. If her partner cannot come to terms with the sons MH and also be supportive then of course he should leave.

I hope things improve for your friends x

Mumsnet never ceases to amaze me. It's become just an awful place, where posters just abuse the OP and try to make them feel as awful as possible, giving NO helpful advice whatsoever.

Yes, the mother should leave her partner and let her son live in the home instead. But without the partner, THERE WOULD BE NO HOME. She and all of her other children would be homeless. Of COURSE she wants to choose her child, but this is a very complex problem and your replies should have some compassion and understanding rather than saying utterly disgusting things like how she needs to stop "faffing around pansying" and implying that this is somehow her fault because she lives in London?!!

If you can't say anything nice or helpful and are just here to kick someone when they're down to make yourself feel big and clever and superior, maybe choose another thread which is NOT about a poor woman whose child has just attempted suicide and who is at risk of becoming homeless.

UGH.

I don’t think it’s that he is unsafe in his home, it’s that he, potentially, is unsafe from himself. There may absolutely be periods in his recovery where he needs 24 hr supervision and support. Realistically how do you think one woman who works and has responsibilities for other children can do this?

This is domestic abuse.

very simple solution. She needs to contact local domestic abuse services and explain. Or call Refuge or the national domestic abuse helpline.

They will support her to get him out and with financial support to keep the house on.

She must speak up. She can’t do this on her own. She must do this for her son. Today. They will hell her every step of the way and in every way. 💐

Ffs it's not domestic abuse to say no to a mentally ill adult moving into your home. How will that convo go? "Hi, Domestic Abuse Helpline. My partner won't let me move my mentally ill adult son into our house. Please throw my partner out (but still make him pay the bills and mortgage because I can't afford to). Thanks!"

Your poor FM. I think if she contacts her bank to see if there are options with the mortgage while she sells, interest only/ longer term ?

Did you not read this bit?

'... he is calling her son a useless prick and that he wants nothing to do with him ever ... saying that it was all fake, and if he did take his own life he would finally have something to be proud of him getting right...'

This is 100% abusive to the partner, because she has a right as a mother to love her son and support him freely, without fear or criticism. The son clearly has big challenges if he is ADHD/ASD/depressed/to the point of being suicidal. The mother should be able to have her son living at home with her without threat of losing her relationship and/or home. This is all directly abusive. Please explain how it isn't.

She calls domestic abuse support and explains this. They say as I have said above. And they help her find a way through to remove the abusive partner from her life and allow her to be a mother without fear.

That is how and why.

It is not domestic abuse to express an opinion on a partner's adult son. He isn't stopping her from supporting her son. He just doesn't want to live with him and that is his right as the co-owner of the house they live in. If she wants her son with her, she can move out and get a place of her own where she gets the only say in who lives with her. If she phones domestic abuse support and explains that to them they will not tell her she has the right to chuck the other owner of the house out so she can move her adult son in because it is not abusive to say no to someone moving into your house.

Really sorry to say but this doesn’t show any understanding of emotional abuse.

And you show no understanding of house ownership.

I’m on the fence tbh.

what the DP said was vicious but it can be hard to deal with people who are depressed/self harming in a day to day basis. It would depend whether he meant it or was speaking in anger/frustration.

That said I can understand OP being put off by it either way.

One or other needs to move out and be bought out.

The house ownership is a basic, obvious issue. But she has to either leave her home or he does because of his emotional abuse of her. This is actually classic domestic abuse.

What a piece of shit.

Obviously she has to say off you fuck then but it is going to leave her in severe financial trouble and of course she is scared. Even though she knows there's no way she's not choosing her son, it is normal to be upset about what is going to be a really bad time.

It's not necessarily callous. They may have just reached their limit. Your family member may share many details of their life with you, but you don't really know what goes on in someone else's home. This man is not the partner's DS and it's an awful lot to ask someone to constantly support another adult with severe and ongoing mental health issues.

Given how long they've been together, I am sure your poor family member is in shock, but yes, the partner needs to go. Your family member is employed and has the equity of half the house. Ok, the immediate future isn't going to be easy, but just take it one step at a time - acknowledge she needs to separate, get the house ready for sale and put it on the market (or get it valued and ask her partner to buy her out or vice versa), if she needs to move out of London, that is tough, but doable.