I think this is the most vile thing I have ever heard *Trigger warning Suicide

[TheSpoonyNavyReader]

For context this is about a family member I am supporting.

Her son has mental health issues, he is 23 ASC,ADHD, Depression, her partner not her DS Dad, has decided that he can not move back into their home after a suicide attempt.

This is causing issues, family member wants her son at home and to support him as her son is finally on the right meds, and has made progress.

Family member and her partner have been having conversations around son moving home, he is calling her son a useless prick and that he wants nothing to do with him ever. Family member is saying that he tried to take his own life, her partner is saying that it was all fake, and if he did take his own life he would finally have something to be proud of him getting right....

Family member is trapped in a house that she can not afford by herself, she is scared to be by herself, how do I help?

This is the most awful thing I have ever heard.

This has to be the end of the relationship surely?

This doesn't really make sense. She's been with someone for ten years and he's been wonderful, best person ever.

Her son tries to kill himself and her partner is saying shame he wasn't successful, I don't want him back in the house.

So either something very bad has happened and there's a backstory here of a fractious relationship between son and partner, he's abusive, or something is very wrong with her partner to make him suddenly change.

If he's abusive then she should contact a domestic abuse organisation for help to leave the relationship.

I understand it's hard for her. But she needs to put her mum pants on and get rid of this person and support her son. Heartbreak can't come before a suicidal child and needs to be swept aside for now.

Whilst I agree what the DP alledgedly said is awful did you actually hear him say it.
living with someone with mental illness takes its toll & sometimes suicide attempts are a cry for help. It maybe that he has reached the end of his teather.
It does sound like he has been supporting your family member & her children emotionally & financially for quite a while.
A wise person once said there are three sides to every story his/hers & the truth.
I wish your family member & her son & the other children much luck on the road to recovery & hope a solution can be found.

Hope he's the ex partner now.

ugh.
How fuckin shite is this.!! ....Take finances OUT the equation and "family member"is doing what (yer ma does)her kid needs.
To be fair, with £ out picture-family member surely realises partner isni worth holding onto-? there is fuck all salvageable there.
son MUST be informed that IS NOT a situation he created,true colurs appear at worst times,and attempt take his life is what it took- ok -cany go back the way......family friend/son/other kids now regroup-unite.
I straight up do not know how to help practacalities.--mh services are hellish to access,is there a suicide prevention type foundation\charity type thing that can assist perhaps?

Never mind the son with suicidal thoughts, she needs to drop this horrible boyfriend for her own sake! Heartless, cruel - she needs to tell him to get to fuck and to get out of this 'relationship'.

Her partner has now said enough is enough he does not want DS back in the house, its him or DS.

Easy choice then. DS moves back, bf moves out.
DS has to come first , he needs all the support there is to help get his MH back on track.
They can then decide to move somewhere cheaper, sell, rent the house out and rent somewhere cheaper etc..

The soon to be ex has told her he can't have her son so she kicks him out, sells the house and supports her son

Does her son want to come and live at home? The Priority is creating a safe place for him. And that can’t be in the house while the partner is there. If the partner refuses to leave, there’s no alternative really.

The partner can't refuse to leave. It's not his house.

Or the (adult) son may be a disruptive, manipulative nightmare to live with and the partner might be at the end of his tether.

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but it's hard to understand if you haven't been through it.

My relative has severe MH issues, at their worst they were overdosing multiple times per week. I was the one getting the call every time. I was also just separated and juggling 2 children, a full on job and a stroppy ex husband.

It is exhausting, every time the phone went I was worried they were dead. I found them unconscious several times. My daughter's birthday party was cancelled at 2 hours notice as they had strangled themselves (whilst in a psych hospital) and were in icu.

At that point I made the comment I wish they would just get on and bloody do it. I did not want them dead but you cannot underestimate the stress that it puts you under to be living in that situation. I just felt like they were bound to take it a step too far pretty soon and could we just get it over with rather than drag it out.

It is a really vile thing to say.

I do wonder about the background. I suspect the partner has not suddenly changed. Your family member has either missed the warning signs (not blaming her for this at all, it's often a gradual thing) or... there's something else at play here. I wonder what it's actually been like living alongside the son. He's not a child and his behaviour may well be very difficult to live with.

I do not think he should have used those words, but I wonder if the ultimatum is totally unfair. It seems extreme to have suddenly reached that point.

I work in this area and unfortunately I have had a lot of parents (birth parents, mums and dads) say this about their child (child and adult children)

Its not uncommon and context is important to determine whats happened to make him say this.

Not to be team bad guy but as the younger sibling of someone who suffered with mental health issues and was sectioned multiple times it may be worth investigating what help would be available if he did don’t come home. It was certainly a few sections in that my mum refused to have my brother home . He got a bed in a shared flat with support workers on site 24hrs, a social worker and much better help than my mum who needed to work and had other children could offer. It’s a bit like elderly relatives needing care, not a great analogy but anything to do with healthcare and dealing with vulnerable people who need ongoing care. the family is seen as a cheaper option and they promise lots of support but in reality that doesn’t materialise and then I a a case of when you will reach the next crisis point.

I would strongly advise your fm to slow down and investigate the options. I don’t think I could forgive her bfs words but bringing her DS home may not actually be the best thing for him.

I'm wondering if his behaviour has had any influence on the suicide attempt

I'm wondering that too.

Regarding the post I'm quoting. Although lots of people choose to move to London, so perhaps see it as just a kind of "luxury" choice to live there, OP's FM and her very vulnerable son are actually from there - and all their family (vital support) including OP are there.

The importance of being near family and support at such a vulnerable time for the FM's son cannot be overstated. It's extremely important.

Could the FM downsize from the house to a flat? I know houses are preferable but in this case I think the two priorities are her leaving the partner and staying in the city she and her vulnerable son have lived in their whole lives and where all their family and support are.

I don't know if this will be of any help @TheSpoonyNavyReader as I know from friends in London that public services there are sometimes very very crap, but I'm wondering if adult social care can help? Also possibly worth contacting a DV charity, because imo it's abusive to wish her suicidal child dead.

The FM's son is a vulnerable adult and at risk of harm from the partner. Social services have a duty of care re providing support.

Young men with ASC and ADHD are at literally the biggest risk in the population for suicide. This step creature is a thick piece of shit if he's dismissing the mother's concerns. I hope the pos gets thrown in the bin where he belongs.

If the mother doesn't do anything then she seriously needs to know what she's risking. Does she want this on her conscience?

I too have friends whose Asperger son (w depression) has driven them to the point of wishing him just gone from their lives - their 18 year old DD is leaving home mainly to get away from her brother. People with MH illness can be a real challenge, is your family friend sure she can cope if her DS comes back to live with her especially given she'll have financial stress as a result of it, OP? Is there any other option such as assisted living for him?

Im a Londoner, born and bred, I didnt move there

However I did move from there, because I could no longer afford to live there.

Living where you cant afford to, is a luxury

I'm sorry but excuses of can't afford to live alone or scared etc is just shit.
Her son needs her.
No man would ever be put before my son. I kicked an ex out there and then when he called my son a Cu&t when my son was 8 he said it with pure anger. Prior to that he was brilliant but he wasn't given a 2nd chance.
I was throwing his stuff in bin bags I was so angry. That was 11 years ago. Never looked back

It was hard I won't lie. But I'd sooner life hard than my son being unwanted

House is not everything. The people you live with are. Your mental and physical well being is. A studio flat all the way for the ones who do not know the value of life.

If her son comes back to the family home - and as pps have pointed out, this may not be the best thing for her son, he may be better off in some type step down care - will her partner move out? That would seem to be the best result, then they can separate assets etc.

If partner refuses to leave before house sold, can she get a safety order for her son, where he commits not to abuse him in anyway - if there is such a thing in England, I'm in Ireland where it's an option, police can remove the offender if breached.

And as others have said, maybe there is a lot of history to this, maybe her partner snapped as life had been so chaotic for the whole family, maybe he's been an abusive bully for years, but the key thing is to support your FM to ensure her son and other children are safe, whether that's best served by him being at home or not.

Goodbye partner. DS all the way.

Why can't her and the son move in with you then temporarily?

It's a sad state of affairs when a child is safer outside their own home.