I think this is the most vile thing I have ever heard *Trigger warning Suicide

[TheSpoonyNavyReader]

For context this is about a family member I am supporting.

Her son has mental health issues, he is 23 ASC,ADHD, Depression, her partner not her DS Dad, has decided that he can not move back into their home after a suicide attempt.

This is causing issues, family member wants her son at home and to support him as her son is finally on the right meds, and has made progress.

Family member and her partner have been having conversations around son moving home, he is calling her son a useless prick and that he wants nothing to do with him ever. Family member is saying that he tried to take his own life, her partner is saying that it was all fake, and if he did take his own life he would finally have something to be proud of him getting right....

Family member is trapped in a house that she can not afford by herself, she is scared to be by herself, how do I help?

This is the most awful thing I have ever heard.

This has to be the end of the relationship surely?

He got a bed in a shared flat with support workers on site 24hrs, a social worker and much better help than my mum who needed to work and had other children could offer.

Depending on the son's needs, that might be worth looking into. However I understand that London is very very bad for this type of provision. It's often simply "slumlord" HMOs (and mixed needs, so not necessarily safe for the son) and with little to no support. It's possible also that there are some genuine supported housing schemes in London, I don't know.

I do wonder though about the affect on the son's mental wellbeing if his mum stays with the stepfather figure - who wishes him dead. Whether or not the son is living with them.

I can understand how difficult it could be for parents and siblings. But in this case, the partner is father to the other children but not the vulnerable son. Would the partner be saying what he's saying if it was one of his children? Also even if he found it difficult to cope with the son's ill health, he's outright wished him dead. That's unforgivable.

@soupfiend I'm sorry if you had to move away involuntarily. It's appalling imo - the social cleansing of Londoners, and it's an issue that needs to be addressed.

In the meantime, although it's stressful for anyone to be forced to move away from their home area (as opposed to doing it by choice), the FM's son is very vulnerable - and has recently attempted suicide.

Understandably he and his mum need to stay near their family and support. In their case, staying where they're from and where they have vital family support is not a luxury.

This isn't the same situation as when someone has no serious support needs or vulnerabilities. My friend is from London and lives in my area now. She didn't move here though when very vulnerable and actively suicidal.

Someone living where they want to live is indeed a luxury. Living where they need to live is very much not a luxury.

This is very shocking and I'm sure your family member is devastated. How cruel, the situation you describe seems to indicate that she is trapped with this terrible man. He should move out, is there no hope of that?

It only happened today, l imagine, she’s only just trying to work out what to do.

Her partner has now said enough is enough he does not want DS back in the house, its him or DS.

So she chooses DS. She starts the separation process, put the house up for sale etc.

In the meantime her partner cannot stop her DS living there.

Tell her to look at exactly what she could claim in this scenario.

It has to be cheaper for the government to support her to care for her son in her home, than for her local council/ NHS trust to provide that support elsewhere.

Has anyone told the PoS that he is extremely likely to be the reason why the boy feels like he does? I would suggest that whilst the PoS lives there that it's not safe for the son to be there. The PoS is sick in the head, hates that someone got attention from his partner "family member". Disgraceful pathetic man child.

Can her and her children live with family (you?) while she gets legal advice, gets the house on the market and gets her equity out?

If she is supporting her DS then the house is sold and she and her son can get a place together.

Imagine having a miserable life all for the sake of a bloody house! She needs to get her priorities right.

People only show their true colours when they think they've got it made. There are a few charities which can help with young adult mental help, but unfortunately they can't financially help. As DS has left hospital then family member is unlikely to be defined as a carer and eligible for pip & carers allowance but it could be worth double checking as he is over 18.

Exactly. As someone who has had a child self harm my life STOPPED. All my focus was on saving my child who thankfully is well now. I would not have wasted 2 seconds worrying about my heartbreak over some man.

What other behaviours does the 23yo show around the house that are excused because of his mental health and other diagnoses? Is it possible the partner has reached the end of his tolerance and is sick of seeing FM on the receiving end of poor behaviour?

Just an alternative to think about.

Child has attempted suicide but the DM should centre the man?

She’ll never get over what DP has said. He’s broken their relationship beyond repair.

And she’d never forgive herself if DS didn’t continue to recover from his MH problems, and god forbid the worst happened.

She doesn’t really have a choice. But it sounds like she needs time to process what’s happened and get her ducks in a row.

I find it takes 24 hours after a shock like this to be able to think straight. Your support to help her work through the practicalities and hand hold will be priceless.

How long does she have before DS comes home?

Absolutely no one comes before your Child/Children regardless off their age and certainly not some nasty vicious brute.

Is there more to this than you are saying? Has there been a lot of bad behaviour and agro from the son leading up to this point? It doesn't make sense that he would banish her son from the house just for having a mental health crisis.

Having a child with multiple diagnoses and a history of suicide attempts means that your support network is pretty vital, and that's without considering continuity of care for her son and the complete mess services can make of transferring care to a different area.

Trying to stay in area isn potentially really important in this situation.

She’s got more than one child. Are the younger ones safe if the unwell DS comes home?

@TheSpoonyNavyReader what an awful situ.

He the waste of space, piece of sh1t partner, needs to leave and now. Who does he think he is?

She needs to go talk to the bank and sort the mortgage out. They can pop her on an interest only or give her a payment break until it's sold. They will help her.

She can then sort her finances out ready to downsize or move slightly further out and commute into work. Lots of good towns with reasonably priced houses up the west coast mainline.

I am sending her and her son the best of everything good. ❤️

Some people are incapable of empathy and, frankly, find adult children who are not theirs too much to cope with. They feel they should not have to cope with them and their problems, wishing they hadn't got into the situation in the first place.

However there is no excuse for being so nasty about it, things he said are terribly damaging.

I do think the relationship must end, partner is not a pleasant character. The son's mental health might well improve if he is not around.

Horrible situation and while she is still reeling from the shock she isn’t able to give her attention to practicalities.
Assuming she ends the relationship she needs to see if POS will buy her out, if not the house needs to go on the market.
She needs to maximise the household income, see what benefits son will be entitled too, make sure father of other children is paying child support. Find another house she can afford and rebuild her life.
There is going to be an issue in the meantime till the house can be sold and finding somewhere safe for her son till POS is out the house. Are grandparents a possible source of help? Rental property as a temporary measure? Murder POS and claim
the insurance?

He's vulnerable not dangerous.

Is there more of a history here? Has he clashed with the son before? Has the son been difficult to live with due to his issues? I would never say what he has said but i also wouldnt automatically want someone back in the house if i thought it would impact the familt negatively. The son is 23 not 13

What POS said was during a discussion of trying to work something out, he has showed his true colours
Nah, this didn't come out of nowhere.
I'd worry for the other children in the house, the emotional damage of someone who is this nasty as well as a mother who 'needs' someone even if they're not very nice 🤷‍♀️

Ok here’s how you can help your family member.

Can you take some time off work tomorrow for a family emergency?

Can you offer to be there in her house so her son (and any younger children not at school) are not alone. This will allow her to pop out to make calls in privacy without worrying about them being overheard. Perhaps another family member could join you, so they can stay at the house and you can be with your family member to offer a hand hold whilst she does the following:

• tell the team who is responsible for your son what is happening so they can support her. Does her son have a social worker assigned?
• have a free 1/2 hour call with a family solicitor to check her legal position with regard to the house
• phone her local Citizens Advice to ask for a benefits check if she were to apply as separated from her partner. Her son may also be eligible for extra benefits due to his illness.
• contact her GP surgery and request an appointment with the Social Prescriber, who should be able to offer some practical / emotional support.

She must be in bits after the already horribly difficult time with her son’s illness. Try to take good care of yourself too 💐