To think it is ok to go away with an ex (if you have kids)

[Goingtobeslatted]

I was concerned by a recent post where people were slating someone’s partner because he still goes away with his ex and their children. Everyone was saying LTB he must be cheating etc.

But in real life surely it’s ok, especially if you have young children?

My husband and I have split but want to stay amicable and in the children’s lives as much as possible. I can assure you I in no way want to get back with him and he feels the same (he instigated it).

But, our children are young and very different in ages and interests so 2 adults is easier for things like theme parks and some holidays (no family to help as parents are passed and only child). Also we don’t want to miss events like first ski trips just because we aren’t ‘in love’ any more. We even plan to do Xmas day together!

If you let your partner holidays with friends why on earth not exes?! Im not saying all holiday with an ex just some and as the children get older it will probably tail off.

Surely any jealous on the part of a new partner is their issue

name chase in anticipation of being ridiculed 😀

It wouldn't be for me - amicable or not my ex isn't someone I'd like to holiday with...

Potentially confusing for the children as well - days out is one thing but holidays together? What would the sleeping arrangements look like? And how will you ever build your own routines/rituals/coping strategies when nothing has actually changed?

Days out, yes. Holidays, no.

Inappropriate and confusing for the children.

It’s confusing for the children, and inappropriate if either has a new partner.

Me and my ex did it a few times and it worked well. We separated when they were very small so it was normal for my children. As an adult one of them now tells me how much he appreciated both his parents making the effort to have a good relationship with each other.

No. I wouldn't be putting up with it. If you both want to live separately and have shindigs together away on holiday, or Christmas days together then both of you should remain single. It's confusing to the children and unfair to any new partners. School events and events surrounding children's hobbies, fine, but like fuck would I be putting up with my partner swanning off with his ex-wife because 'they didn't want to miss the first ski trip'. Just stay single.

This

My parents took us one joint holiday after their split. I thought it meant they were back together again. This was 40 years ago and I still remember how sad I felt when we didn’t go back to living together afterwards. So if you do this, I think it needs to be made clear to DC that it doesn’t mean you’re a family again.

Absolutely not , in my case , my ex is a truly awful person !

No. Too confusing and missed messages sent to the children.

You're together or you're not.

I'm practically best friends with my ex but I'd never go on a day out or holiday with him. It would confuse DC amongst other things.

I don't understand why some people think this is giving the children mixed messages. Presumably the parents aren't sharing a room, or acting like a couple on these trips?

Also, if you're co-parenting amicably (which, if you have this arrangement, presumably you are), why couldn't new partner and family go too? That's what my aunt and her ex did. They even still spend Christmas together - the whole blended family. Two (now almost grown) shared kids, both parents, their new partners, and half siblings.

I get that it won't work for all split parents, but why bash it when it DOES work?

@SometimesCalmPerson that’s what I’m hoping for.

Various friends had parents who split and could hardly be in a room and it was awkward and created an atmosphere at every significant event in their lives. To me that’s worse and seems very common.

To answer other questions

My coping strategies will be built on the 350 plus days i don’t spent with him.

Children aren’t confused as they know we don’t live together and have no plans to and we make that clear

We always have separate rooms, currently i have 1 child him the other or we get a 3 bed place and the children share. It’s cheaper than 2 holidays. I like him as a person just not sexually. It’s why we split we were more like friends by the end. We don’t spend any time together alone as we are mainly with children so it is enjoyable.

Its just feels like the only reason not to do it is fear of a new partner being jealous. There are enough posts on here about leaving a marriage due to feeling nothing sexually for a partner to know it’s common.

I think its confusing for the children.
When one of you meets a new partner it will cause problems.

I wouldn't.

Sorry but you’re being unrealistic; it’s perfectly fine for a new partner to want boundaries and not be ok with that. You and your stbex will struggle to find people that are ok with it

If one of you gains a new partner then it will be hard for the kids to accept the new partner because they will be seen as the reason that you aren’t together and kids prefer their parents together over being with other people.

In what world would a your partner be happy with you going on holiday with your ex ? Your both going to find it difficult to find someone who would put up with that.

If you get a new partner who has kids will you be happy for them to go on holiday with their ex?

You don’t sound like you’re completely accepting his decision to split up.

Nah, you need to learn to live separate lives

People thought we were weird for still spending Christmas Day together when we first separated. We still do but a few years on now, my partner and exes partner also join us - and his parents and sibling so mega-‘weird’!

Do what feels right for you. Ignore anyone who says ‘but that’s not how it normally works.’ Good on you for the brilliant parenting!

Great for you and him if it works, but as a second wife and SM, I'd have ran for the hills. Not massively sure it works for the DC either; children will hold a hope that you'll reconcile if you are literally playing happy families

Separated for three years now and ExH and I have taken a few holidays away together with DC. Other trips have been with my DPs or just with me.

On a practical level it works well and DC seem to enjoy the time spent with both parents. Personally for me it has been very emotionally draining and I've felt sad. I don't know if this is good or bad as I see how it can cause mixed feelings in DC as I expect one day to be asked why we go on holiday together but can't live together. God knows I've asked myself this. On the other hand, DC sometimes take things at face value, at least whilst they are young.

I guess like with everything there's no right or wrong, just what works for you.

I’m v sympathetic to the idea that divorced parents getting on amicably together and sharing life events with children is a good thing of course.

But I think you’re being v naive here:
If you let your partner holidays with friends why on earth not exes?! Im not saying all holiday with an ex just some and as the children get older it will probably tail off.

Clearly the difference is you didn’t used to have sex with your friends. It’s not the same type of relationship. It’s massively more threatening to a new partner. And while of course “they’re an ex for a reason, if you’d wanted them you’d have stayed with them” etc, people do go back to their exes, it’s not an unreasonable thing for someone to worry about.

Having boundaries is important and respectful in relationships.

If you want the relationship with your ex to remain like this then I guess neither of you should get into new ones.

Depends on the situation imo. If the kids are old enough to understand it doesn't mean you're back together, and you get on well enough, it works. I have a family member on good terms with his ex wife. It wouldn't surprise me if they took their kid away together as they get on well now.