To think it is ok to go away with an ex (if you have kids)

[Goingtobeslatted]

I was concerned by a recent post where people were slating someone’s partner because he still goes away with his ex and their children. Everyone was saying LTB he must be cheating etc.

But in real life surely it’s ok, especially if you have young children?

My husband and I have split but want to stay amicable and in the children’s lives as much as possible. I can assure you I in no way want to get back with him and he feels the same (he instigated it).

But, our children are young and very different in ages and interests so 2 adults is easier for things like theme parks and some holidays (no family to help as parents are passed and only child). Also we don’t want to miss events like first ski trips just because we aren’t ‘in love’ any more. We even plan to do Xmas day together!

If you let your partner holidays with friends why on earth not exes?! Im not saying all holiday with an ex just some and as the children get older it will probably tail off.

Surely any jealous on the part of a new partner is their issue

name chase in anticipation of being ridiculed 😀

Its good for parents to co parent amicably but I think it would be confusing for the children if they still went on holidays etc together.

Don't think many new partners would be happy with this either. Their feelings should be respected too.

I think it's fine if the kids are OK with it and neither partner is a loon. Dhs ex, who has never Really had another partner has been away with him and the kids and I've been there too now they've grown up. I've taken just the kids away with dh too.

Know other people who do this too.

mine were a bit older when me and my ExH separated. Neither of us have had new partners in the mean time. Days out fine, holidays, absolutely not.

We get on ok, but hell will freeze over before i stay overnight in the same place as him ever again. edited to add: I don't trust him not to see it as an invitation. give that man an inch and he tries to take a mile.

I knew someone who did this, and on the face of it it seemed really nice and good for the kids. But then they had another baby but still weren’t together, just banging when they hung out, and I think that must be horribly upsetting and confusing for the poor kids, who all clearly now have attachment issues.

My partner has a son with his ex, they split 6ish years ago when he was 2 i believe, possibly just turned 3. She kicked him out of their joint tennant council house despite him having as much right to stay there as her, and haven't been in the same room together since. Yet their 8 year old still asked a few weeks ago why daddy can't move back in. Despite her having a new partner and 2 more children with him. Children don't understand adult relationships, they can't differentiate between 2 adults in a romantic/sexual relationship, and 2 adults who are just friends and co parenting. Until they are old enough to understand adult relationships, it's going to give them false hope of the family getting back together, and that's just not fair on the child.

Plus i honestly don't think it's fair on a new partner either. I know my partner didn't want their relationship to end, was blindsided by her ending things and telling him to leave, and devastated to lose his family unit overnight and become a weekend dad only. We didn't meet til 2 years after their split, and i know he's definitely over her now, and wouldn't want to go back, especially now there's 2 other kids by another man. Their contact with eachother is minimal and neccessity only, so i feel fully secure in my relationship with him and no threat from her.

However, if the relationship had ended more amicably or been a joint decision, and they still saw a lot of eachother, had lots of calls/texts outside of child based contact, I would have a worry that there were still possibly feelings there for one, or possibly both. All it could take is the right incident or circumstance and they could rediscover the romantic feelings they once had, it happened once, so not unreasonable to believe they could fall for eachother again, and cheat.

I generally don't like the idea of staying friends with exes though, i don't want another woman around that he's been sexually attracted to/intimate with and had feelings for/loved. I'm very much a clean break and cut all contact after kind of person, and thankfully so is my partner. I'm not against admitting that yes i can be a jealous person in that context, due to low self esteem.

I've done it a few times. It was great and not at all confusing for our DS. He knows that we aren't getting back together. We just like holidays with him

No matter how clear you believe you make it to the children that you are not getting back together, children have imagination and will make up their own outcomes - which will in all probability be that “great mum & dad are getting back together” and give them false hope. You will re-enforce this with doing Christmas together and other trips - then what happens to their world if you / ex get a partner and all the togetherness of activities stops.

You can co-parent but you need to be fair to your children and not confuse them / give false hope. Imagine the harm that might do to a new relationship you have - the DC may well be resentful to the partner because that person is responsible for the joint events and “happy families” to stop. Might feel right now but potentially stacking up problems for the future.

I’m surprised how many people are concerned about new partners here, especially ones that don’t even exist.

Maybe this is a couple that want to put their children’s existing family relationships ahead of their own romantic ones. It makes a nice change from so many parents believing they ‘deserve to move on and be happy’ at the expense of their children’s happiness and feelings of security.

I can see that in some circumstances it might confuse children but that depends how it is handled. I can’t see that a little bit of confusion is worse than missing out on having both your parents enjoying time together. Being the child of separated parents and then getting step parents already comes with difficulty, and I don’t see how that’s any easier when parents are totally separate.

No it does seem a bit odd to me. Why would you. You might as well stay together.

There was a post on here very recently from an adult woman whose parents divorced donkey’s years ago but always done family things together like holidays, Christmas etc. Her father has finally met a woman and fallen in love, and the Op was devastated. I remember a similar situation where my Mum invited my Dad for Christmas Day because he would have been on his own. I was overjoyed because I thought they were getting back together and when I realised they weren’t it was really retraumatising for me.

Another thread was a single mum who had days out with her ex “for the sake of the baby” who was only a few months old. Her ex was trying to get back with her, though she didn’t want it, and she couldn’t shake him off. It was obviously sending out mixed messages to the ex, even though the OP felt she was doing the right thing.

It’s great that you can be friends with your ex and it is much better for the children, but I do think they need to learn that you aren’t together any more. You obviously had reasons for your split, but to keeping dipping a toe back into ‘family life’ together will be confusing for the children and potentially for you and your ExH.

I disagree. Going on holiday is very different to living together full time.

I don’t think it’s appropriate if dating someone else to be honest unless they are fully onboard with it. I found out an ex of mine who did this slept in the same bed! That’s not on for me. He became an ex immediately when I found that out.

Exactly. What's with all these confused children and exes? Sounds like more open communication is required.

Personally, I see it as a good sign if someone is co-parenting amicably with an ex.

So you plan on spending g the rest of your lives important moments together just because you have kids, bit weird

All of this 👏

We do, when they were younger all our holidays were together as I wasn't physically able to manage alone. Now they're older and 'holidays' are always trips to various national and international sports competitions they are in. If we are both going then we go together, we couldn't afford two separate sets of travel & accommodation so we just book a house big enough for all of us.

Ok so let's think of the future scenarios. You and your ex-husband both have new partners, one of you goes on to have another child with your new partner, does that mean that the new partner and whoever they are with and their child together can never have a holiday with your and your ex partners child because that means one of you may miss out on a first? Or on a day out? I think you have to think long term will this benefit everyone, or will it cause problems when a new partner doesn't want a third wheel of an ex on all Thier family holidays

We do this and it's fine. I don't think it's confusing for DS but then we haven't been together since he was very small. Just friends and coparents, zero sexual chemistry (to the point that I wonder how we had a child together). We're both single though. Do what works for you.

Perfectly reasonable thing to do and I’m utterly baffled by those who say it’s ‘inappropriate’. How? Why?

My ex and I separated 6 years ago. We have three children. I have a new partner. I go on holiday with my ex and the kids. Would I go on holiday just with him? Hel no! But we get along fine and with the kids it’s ok.

Like you, the kids are differing ages / interests and one has autism so having two adults there is useful.

And those who say it’s ‘confusing’ for the kids aren’t crediting then with much intelligence. Kids are perfectly able to compute that ‘Mummy and Daddy aren’t a couple any more but we are friends and we love you so we’re happy to be able to go on holiday together’. Or similar age appropriate words.

My new partner isn’t remotely bothered by it as he’s sensible and knows I’m 100% emotionally invested in him and understands our reasons and that it’s goos for the children to see my ex and I having a sensible healthy way of managing things.

I don’t understand why you aren’t still together if you can happily spend a week on holiday together? If things are that amicable and neither of you has met someone else you may as well have just stayed together for the kids.

I holiday with my ex and two kids. Separate bedrooms. Kids don't seem to think it's confusing. We tend to go with other families too, not sure I'd go just us four. But that's cos I wouldn't want to sit in just us two adults every night with the kids in bed. I imagine it will fizzle out when one of us gets a serious partner. But it works for now.

I was really grateful last time because I had a bad sickness bug abroad and it made me realise how buggered I would have been without another adult to help.

Absolutely not and I say this as a child who had parents who did this. As a child you want your parents to be together, you are creating false hope and adding further confusion to what is already a hard time. I believe that your motives are selfish (although may come from a good place). Also the moment one of you finds another partner this situation will cause problems, the new partner will be the bad guy/girl in your child’s mind for stopping the family time, it will cause resentment towards the step parent who may well be in their lives forever. I still blame my step dad for ripping our family apart 35 years on, I know in my adult rational mind that is not the case but as a child I despised him, our relationship as a result got off to a very rocky start and I ultimately left home at a very young age and had nothing to do with him (or my mum) for a few years. You are setting yourself up for a big fall. I have 3 siblings and we were all affected in the same way. My dad equally felt the massive hurt when the pretend happy family ceased and the new partner was (rightly so) given some consideration, he went completely off the rails (the original split was mutual) he left the country and turned his back on us all, I didn’t see him for 20 years. He is now back in my life but it’s a minimal call in a blue moon relationship, I don’t think of him as a dad anymore. Our parents could have made our lives so much easier by just going their separate ways and being civil, but they didn’t, they wanted to create happy family memories so we spent many years living a weird existence, people gossiped behind our backs, we never knew where we stood and ultimately all they did was cause us added stress. 2 of my siblings are no longer in contact with my parents at all, I speak to my brothers maybe once a year, my sister a little more - their well intended actions fractured our family beyond repair. No one has met my dads new wife or subsequent children, he has a new normal family. Oh and weirdly sometimes the two of them will still talk and go meet each other, sometimes I actually now feel sorry for the step father that I dislike so strongly. My mum told me once they were bound together as a result of having 4 children and whilst they would never want to be together they will always be important to one another. Personally I think they are both a bit fucked up and confused. I apologise for the rant, I do hope though that me digging deep and expressing how it has affected my life and those of my siblings and parents makes you rethink - it’s not healthy. It’s great if you can get along and be civil, enjoy your child’s birthday party together but you certainly do not need to take that first ski trip together as a family, you are not a family, you are 2 individuals who share children.

My parents split when I was 6 and my sister 3. They spent every christmas and several holidays together when we were young so they wouldn't miss out on things.

They were always clear that it didn't mean they were getting back together, but we never really thought to question it. We didn't have issues with new partners either.

Me and my sister are both in our 30s now and are glad they got on as well as they did and were both there for early holidays and Christmases.

It was much easier than when we were a little older and took turns of which parent we saw for Christmas or holidays.

If and it’s a bit If they didn’t have a new wife or partner/gitrlfriend, maybe. Wife, partner/girlfriend I’d be pissed and it would be a deal breaker if we were married!

Some people cannot stand each other. That being said if you are not like this (it does not come across that you are) then I think it’s lovely that you are able to consider doing this for your children and also each other.

I do think that you would need to discuss some things and set some clear boundaries around partners. Someone new coming into the picture may change this dynamic and both of you will need to appreciate that any prior arrangement may not work moving forwards. You should both be prepared for this.

Whilst some have commented saying that it might confuse the children I am inclined to disagree. As long as you have separate rooms and there is no blurring of the lines regarding your relationship/affection then it seems a positive way of demonstrating to you children that relationships breakdown and that families can still work and people can still be amicable towards one another. There are so many relationships that fail and become bitter with the kids often suffering because parents can’t get along. If you both believe that you can make this work then absolutely go for it.