To think it is ok to go away with an ex (if you have kids)

[Goingtobeslatted]

I was concerned by a recent post where people were slating someone’s partner because he still goes away with his ex and their children. Everyone was saying LTB he must be cheating etc.

But in real life surely it’s ok, especially if you have young children?

My husband and I have split but want to stay amicable and in the children’s lives as much as possible. I can assure you I in no way want to get back with him and he feels the same (he instigated it).

But, our children are young and very different in ages and interests so 2 adults is easier for things like theme parks and some holidays (no family to help as parents are passed and only child). Also we don’t want to miss events like first ski trips just because we aren’t ‘in love’ any more. We even plan to do Xmas day together!

If you let your partner holidays with friends why on earth not exes?! Im not saying all holiday with an ex just some and as the children get older it will probably tail off.

Surely any jealous on the part of a new partner is their issue

name chase in anticipation of being ridiculed 😀

Every child wants their parents to be together if it was an amicable split with no violence or threatening behaviour or other bad behaviour.

By spending time together and doing things as a family you are confusing the children and giving them false hope that you will get back together and live together.

The children won't understand why you can happily spend a day together, or even a holiday together but not live together as a family.

For their sake you need a clean break so they understand that you've split up.

No one is friends with their ex imo. Someone always wants more. What happens when one of you meet someone else?

I think it's up to you and your ex. I would t be doing it with a new partner but nothing with it otherwise. I'm glad you can get on and spend special times together. That can o my be good for the kids.

my parents spent the first Christmas after they split together. I remember it being horribly uncomfortable. A holiday would have been unbearable, so personally I don’t think it’s a good idea .

Whilst neither of you have serious other partners I actually think it’s really nice though I’d probably make sure you also have individual holidays - once one of you has a serious partner then either you stop doing it or they go along too. My sister’s partner’s parents split up when he was very young and they were super amicable even when they had other partners and children and it’s left such a lovely family dynamic. More people should be putting their kids first and trying to have a good relationship as coparents.

I say whatever works for you & the DCs as long as they know you are not getting back together as children often have fantasies about their parents reuniting. I think good for you both that you can put your differences to one side for DCs sake. I have a close friend who has managed to co-parent her child (got divorced about 9 years ago when DC was 8) father lives about doors away from my friend & her new partner & child was able to move freely between houses. Friend, new partner & ex husband would go to school plays, sports days etc together - the focus was on the DC not their differences. Personally I couldn't, but my divorce was rather acrimonious. But then my DS was an adult when we divorced.

Would you be happy for your ex husband to bring a partner along if they were serious and had already built a relationship with the children?

I think in the other post, the ex girlfriend had made it clear that she wants to resume the relationship and she wouldn't let the OP join the holiday with them, massive red flags IMO

I'm friends with my ex- and his partner of 9 years. He gets in very well with my partner also. Our son was never confused ( suppose it helped we had never lived together in first place)

i just want to confirm I wasn’t married to Brad Pitt so I am perfectly capable of not having secret feelings for my ex 😃.

In an ideal world I would eventually like a blended situation like some posters have experienced where new partners and their families can be involved (but I completely realise that may be unlikely and would take a lot of give and take and patience on all sides). These posters do give me hope that it is possible so I am glad I asked.

I think as posters have said I need to do what works for us currently. Potential jealousy in future partner shouldn’t be a reason to not do it for now.

The other reason not to do it seems to be child confusion but I don’t see how my children will be confused if we live separately and have separate rooms when are away and are clear with them it’s so we can all do xx together. It’s 7 to 10 days max which is like 2% of a year!

We will also have our own holidays with the children so this is just to share the special or ones where we would struggle alone.

There are only a few Christmases days left that the children are little so if I can I’d like to make it work so I don’t miss them.

I don't sit on the "cheating" fence but I do think it's unnecessarily confusing for children who couldn't possibly understand the complexity and if any partners become involved with parents later on, the children falsely believe it's their fault mum and dad aren't together.

I would rather stick pins in my eyes than even go on a trip to Asda with my ex.

Hello OP, not sure what you are trying to get out of this post. It is clear that this works for some people and for some it does not. You do whatever works for you. You do not need our opinion.

I asked my ex to spend birthdays and holidays together even though my kids were grown up. My ex originally agreed on birthdays but changed him mind later and we ended up having no contact. The truth is, I only wanted this for the kids sake, but in reality, I do not want to be near him. He ruined enough of my holidays in the past, I would not let him ruin future ones too.

I think you're spot on OP. My sister and ex BIL have a family holiday together every year and the kids aren't confused, they just enjoy being away with mum and dad. Ex BIL's partner is fine with and encourages it. This is a fairly amicable split without any abuse of course.

When I split with my ex he always used to ask us take our ds out together but it would just be a whole day of him trying to talk me into trying again so in the end I had to stop so he'd just take ds.
He had a partner who had no idea how he was but was understanding and encouraged him to plan these days out.
If both parents are completely over the relationship and don't have any interest in each other then it's unlikely they'd want to spend an entire holiday with them instead of their partner in my experience.

The issue will arise when a partner enters and isn't comfortable. Things will change and the children will be upset and likely blame the new partner. I am all for good relations I happily do Xmas day with ex but that's it.

Tried it with both My exes ex number one I invited around for Christmas morning he bought nothing not one gift said he thought we were doing "joint" gifts (that I picked wrapped and paid for) then he tried not leaving when it was time to go out for lunch he was supposed To go to his mums for lunch he sat on my sofa whining her cooking Was disappointing (it wasn't) and whhhyyy couldn't he staaaay (I was going out 🙄)

Second ex just as bad for taking advantage he would "casually" ask if I had plans then show up because the kids "missed mommy" then he would sit back hand The kids over to me and relax I knocked that on the head quickly he bought them to me said how about a mcdonalds? Then stepped back smartly to let me order the look was spectacular when I ordered for myself and the children not him I did the same when he showed up at the coffee shop then I stopped telling him where I was going I "stayed home" instead "catching up on the housework" he told everyone my house was filthy 😂

My ex and I split up 7 years ago and have been on a number of holidays with DC. The reason for this is that ex DP's disability makes it difficult for him to travel/manage a holiday alone with DC and it is important for them to have holiday time together.

I entered a new relationship 3 years ago and had one holiday with ex DP and DC after that. New DP doesn't want to holiday with my DC, so it seems reasonable enough.

I haven't since the first year of my new relationship, though, as I find it odd. I'm hoping DC will soon be old enough for ex DP to manage holidays without help from me

So long as the current partners are invited and attend with you, then I do not see a problem. I do not see a problem if you are also both single. I think it's healthy for children to have quality time with both parents together, because it can be really traumatic for children being tugged and torn between parents who do not get along (the exception being DV/abuse etc).

I feel that those against it are potentially insecure. It's good to show children you can split with a partner and still get along amicably for your children. It shows strong parenting skills and healthy relationships.

Friends of ours did this. We had a holiday already booked (4 families) and they came along. They had been split around 9 months at that point. They got back together, perhaps as a result of the holiday. They’re together still now, 5 years later!

If I was in this situation I'd personally want to build my own life and do my own holidays/days out. I do feel it's confusing to the child as well, seeing Mum and Dad together on holiday maybe having false hope.

I can't help thinking if you get on well enough with an ex to holiday with them, you probably shouldn't have put your kids through a split in the first place

A relative of mine does this, goes away on holiday with his ex and their 11 year old. It works well for them. Neither have new partners though.

I think it’s nice if you are amicable and can make jt work for the kids. You are modeling how to be civil and kind even after a break.
I don’t see an issue with it, maybe future partners might not like it though.

I think it’s really sad that most of the replies here are negative.

Growing up, my parents couldn’t be in the same room together. One of my friends had divorced parents, they all had Sunday lunch together every week - even as teenagers the kids saw that as sacrosanct and never missed a weekend. One parent was remarried, one wasn’t. I certainly know which family I wanted to be in.

This. Mine did it when I was 18 (much younger siblings) and while we had a good time mostly there was always a weird undercurrent