To think I can’t manage a job on top of children?

[icannotdoeverything]

I don’t have a choice but hear me out

I work three days a week.

Two children, nearly 4 and 16 months.

DH works five days a week. No option to reduce this: we just can’t afford it. He has quite a lengthy commute so leaves at 7, gets back after 7.

So the mornings are on me to get both children sorted and out as well as myself. It’s always a mad dash and I’m always charging into work last minute which I worry looks bad.

Then the end of the day things are worse as both children are crotchety and tired and argue and fuss and we’re all a bit irritable …

Plus the house, keeping it clean (cleaner doesn’t help, adds to stress: tried that already!)

Managing kids and house is a FT job. I just feel like having a job on top is killing me. Oh and the 16 month old is constantly waking at night, I know I need to sleep train but given it often gets worse before it gets better I haven’t got the stomach yet!

HOW to manage!? I just don’t know but I’m EXHAUSTED!

Ah I feel your pain. Similar. I have 4 children and work 3 days. My work days are manic and the house is a tip although I do my best. It's a struggle but it will get easier. My youngest is 18 months but my older 10 year old can help a bit in the mornings. I have a cleaner on my day off so although I spend an hour tidying for her arriving it saves me a couple hours of cleaning and I can catch up on ironing that day. Finding a reliable cleaner that won't cancel on you is the way forward as it took me 4 to get one that didn't cancel on me last minute half the time! It's not impossible, these are the toughest years but I don't believe it will ever be stress free either. Find a better cleaner it will really help 😊

Can you afford what used to be called a "Mothers Helper"?

Someone to come for a couple of hours every morning, take the kids to nursery, come back, tidy up doing the washing up and put a load of washing on, change the beds one day, clean the bathroom another, thats sort of thing.

Who cares what society expects?
I don't have the challenge of children or work
(landlady) and don't have much to complain about at 45.
Far from gloating, where I came from, if I did what society expected I'd be extremely unhappy or worse.
Observing others (women) since childhood very carefully, who is happy and who isn't, helped me make my choices.

But having children shouldn't just be for the wealthy...and it's a shame families can't often survive on one income. I read an interesting thing, can't remember where but basically saying that women in the UK are quite unlucky compared to other nations in the sense that they will need to work, won't necessarily have strong extended family ties and buying in outside help is only for quite well off people...and that therefore even middle class women are rushed off their feet with work and domestic chores in a way that middle class women in other countries aren't. I thought it was quite interesting.

I did it with three children. To be honest, I would have found it more stressful to be at home all day with them.

First of all, these are the hardest years in terms of balancing work and home and your own life. In a few short years, you will be able to fit in a hobby again or not feel like you are being squeezed in a vice all the time. It really does get easier.

Second, I would ask why the cleaner was stressful. My cleaner has been with me since those days and the day I came home and the house was cleaned was the happiest day of my week. Ask your friends and try to get a really good cleaner - at least then you know the bathroom and kitchen and floors are done once a week.

Batch cook. In those years I cooked every second or third sunday morning. I quite enjoyed it - bolognese, chicken curry, casserole, tomato sauce, chicken casserole - and made at least 10 portions of each. It was repetitive but at least dinner was on the table once the pasta had cooked.

Lower your standards - your home does not have to be perfect.

Have your husband do something once he does come home - a load of laundry or clean up the kitchen, pay the bills, or put out the bags for the morning (I would have everything laid out by the door).

At the weekends, lean into where you are in your life and do things that are pleasant for smallies (zoo, nature walk, playground) but make it nice by meeting up with another family, bringing a picnic etc. Carve out some time for each of you to have a couple of hours break over the weekend.

I remember a woman who had twins and an older child saying to me that she remembers buying frozen diced onion and looked back and couldn't believe she didn't have the time to chop and onion. I used to freeze sandwiches for the week - horrendous - but it worked.

it really is worth keeping your job if at all possible.

I hear you! Looking back I have no idea how I did it. I had my youngest when I was 40, and I already had a 5 year old and a 3 year old. The oldest two were doing activities 4/5 nights a week, so I had to take them there straight from work. I had to drop them all off in different locations in the morning and pick them up in the evening.

Like you, I always felt I was getting the worst of them - sleepy and not wanting to rush in the mornings, and cranky in the evenings - and that wasn't just the kids!!

DH did stuff like packed lunches, which I always hated, and some pickups from activities, but some like swimming and ballet, where I had to stay. I only did laundry at the weekends unless we really needed something washed. Dishes were done as and when (dishwasher). Everything that could go into the tumbledryer went in it. Anything that couldn't was smoothed down over the radiator. DH did any ironing but there wasn't a huge amount.

Accept that your house is probably always going to be untidy. We mostly had the kids' toys in the family room so we could close the door, but of course stuff got carted everywhere. Homework was tough, though in the end we got them to do it at their childminder's house (the kids were smarter than our childminder lol!) and they had their evening meal there too (provided and cooked by me though!)

I worked FT throughout. Because of logistics there was no way I could ever make PT work for me financially. I did do 'family friendly' a few summers when they were older, but other than that, I have always worked FT. So long as the house wasn't a health hazard, and the kids were happy, we muddled through it.

A close friend of mine also had 3 children, much closer in age than mine. She stopped working for 20 years. She's been back in work a few years now, but she doesn't have much in pension, while I have my years of FT contributions to fall back on. Everyone tells you - it's the biggest cliche, and when you're in the thick of it, you think it's damn stupid! - that it all goes by so quickly, and it actually does!

Also had zero family help - lived too far away!

You absolutely can manage - you just have to prioritise and not put yourself under any more pressure than you have to.

Totally understand what you mean and I’m in a much easier situation and WFH full time. I feel like I have no time to think or get anything done.

I have children almost the exact same age and I keep telling myself it will get easier! And hopefully it will.

In answer to your initial question, it’s up to you to decide if you can or can’t manage. Don’t compare yourself to others because that’s not relevant.

Anyway sending empathy x

Single mom here and lists save me. I have OCD and ADHD and need to be regimented.

I have a morning routine checklist, cleaning checklist weekly, daily, and monthly. I also have a bedtime routine checklist.

It makes it easy for me to know what needs to be done each day and do it. I clean roughly 30 minutes a day at night focusing on different rooms. One load of laundry a day.

I wipe the bathroom down while brushing my teeth each day. The main one in the morning, mine at night. I clean as I cook. By the time dinner is ready there's not much to tidy. Then just a wipe down of the kitchen and quick mop.

If I'm cooking something in the oven I use that time to do my chores.

Kids rooms are easy to organize if you have bins to put their stuff in. A big toy box even. It doesn't have to be super organized they can help pick up their stuff even when young.

I think the biggest tip though is get rid of stuff. I don't keep clutter. Everything has a place so it's easy to tidy up.

If you are all out of the house full time 3 days a week what cleaning/tidying are you doing on those days?! Surely you can manage without that?

If you need to buy more clothes/undies to survive without washing Mon-Fri then do that.

Get a better cleaner who will also tidy (mine also does washing and changes the beds).

Don't give up your job, you're in the trenches now but it's so hard to get back in once you are out. And it's something that is yours when the rest of your life is bound to serving the family.

Take turns at the weekends with DH to have a rest. Half a day each or something.

Good luck.

God I would have killed to have had the opportunity to work from home when mine were younger! I've been doing it since Covid and omg it would have made such a difference! They're all adults now though. Even sent the eldest to a childminder until the age of 13 because I didn't want her coming home to an empty house on her own!! (Told people it was her auntie lol!)

This too - each of you gets a lie in on either Saturday or Sunday!

I have to do work 5 days a week as a single parent. I honestly feel I might die of exhaustion at times. Honestly OP it’s so hard. I do not know why people are such martyrs about taking on so much. I certainly wouldn’t pick this life. If you can afford it step back a little but do not give up work.

i am another in the camp that never expected ex partner to have an affair and just leave the country and me to get on with all the childcare.

Hmm, really? 😕
I thought it was quite a high standard here.
Back in my country, you'd be expected to live under (abusive) parents, grow up and move one block of flats further, have kids, work and if lucky, not an abusive husband with a beer breath and
a pot belly.
Might be exaggerating a bit, but it was always a firm No thank you. 😁

There’s some great tips here & I am making notes but I also want to say ime it absolutely does get easier, not easy but less hard once they are a bit older. There’s advantages to every situation as well as disadvantages and once you have some breathing room (when youngest around 3.5yrs in my experience) you may see the advantages more clearly, for example for me I absolutely wouldn’t suit not working so I love my daughter seeing me making progress in my career and prioritising that as something which is important to me.

Sorry it clearly doesn’t work - you say yourself you were shattered!! That’s a crap life for everyone. I don’t know any working mums of children under 5 who aren’t either exhausted, permanently ill, or close to burn out. Truth is society doesn’t care about children and women having children. And we don’t have equality. What we have is a misplaced version of equality where we are expected to work and earn money AND do the real woman’s work.

This was me. Thankfully mine are now 13 & 15. Its brutal when they are small.
I worked FT and mine were full-time nursery.
Exh was a useless father duc nothing = worked 70 hour weeks.
Left him years ago as I was doing it all anyway.
You need a better cleaner
Him to take kids at weekends
Work more hours and divide up chores. He can hang a wash out at 6am and do all cooking Saturday sun !
Otherwise your resentment will grow and grow....

I read this with the same sadness as you do.

'In the trenches' almost always gets used a few times in these threads, since when should getting to enjoy family life be like a war?

I don't think a model where women can't work is good either though, as some women really fair better mentally with time in the work environment.

There is a lot of good advice in this thread....lots of helpful tips but its still about operating in survival mode.

YANBU. I have three kids, two in school (one only just) and a toddler, work 4 days a week and I feel like I’m drowning. I’ve taken the week off work sick this week because I’m so burnt out. Hats off to people who manage it without feeling like they’re always 10 steps behind and like they’re scraping through at both home and work, but I do find it hard juggling both.

5 year old and 18 month old here. I work 4 days and have a husband who is away for long periods with work and when is at home is gone before the kids even wake up. Breakfast clubs are my lifesaver. School or nursery I don’t do breakfast for them. I am lucky to work from home 3/4 days and get my washing done on those days as well as things like lunchtime beauty appointments to give myself some treats. I had a cleaner but it didn’t work out, currently struggling to keep on top of everything. I would suggest you or your husband need to look for a more flexible role which would allow a better work life balance. Don’t get me wrong it’s bloody tough but wfh allows me to still have a career

You just get through each day the best you can, like most parents you will have regrets and guilt, you won’t get everything right, but you will keep them safe .and before you know it, you will look back and think ‘how did we do that ‘, it does pass. Not saying it gets easier, just different, different problems, whilst the little ones may not sleep now, when they’re teens you won’t be able to get them out of bed ! You worry now about the house not being clean , this won’t change until you have no kids and teenagers, young adults at home ! But again it will pass .

no top tips here, I do sympathise though, I worked full time, two kids, DH worked same, kids didn’t sleep, ran on adrenaline for years, and we frequently look at each other now, reminisce and ask each other, how did we do that, thinking about it makes us knackered!

Enjoy your children, they are only children for 18 years and there will be many more years when they are not but still your (adult) son or daughter x

I agree. It was hell on earth while mine were small. I always worked 4 days.

To be honest even without kids, keeping house is difficult with two full time jobs.

The problem is men always get to put work first, us women pick up all the slack.

There are men who want to use this as an excuse to leave us with unpaid domestic burden. We can't win. 🥺 But I'd still rather have my stressed out busy life than the choices and patriarchy my mum faced.

Isn’t that just normal life for many parents of young kids? It was for me, no family within 250 miles, their father working overseas and myself dealing with a serious health condition and holding down a career. For many its just normality, so yes its perfectly possible to have a job too, i did, a career and one i progressed in too in that time

It's possible for YOU.

I could not have managed it and stayed mentally ok.

Says who?

I don’t want to derail and I have sympathy for the OP but why should it be the default for one person to be economically productive and the other not? It’s not how it’s been through most of history and it’s also risky for the person who is not economically productive.

I don’t want to turn this into another SAHM vs WOHM rant but it really irritates me that people push this narrative that it’s somehow unnatural or undesirable for both parents to work. Yes life is expensive and yes many of us are tired and stressed but it’s facile to pretend going back to a single head of household model is the solution. There are plenty of very good reasons not to have one person exclusively focused on domestic work and never having their own money.