To think I can’t manage a job on top of children?

[icannotdoeverything]

I don’t have a choice but hear me out

I work three days a week.

Two children, nearly 4 and 16 months.

DH works five days a week. No option to reduce this: we just can’t afford it. He has quite a lengthy commute so leaves at 7, gets back after 7.

So the mornings are on me to get both children sorted and out as well as myself. It’s always a mad dash and I’m always charging into work last minute which I worry looks bad.

Then the end of the day things are worse as both children are crotchety and tired and argue and fuss and we’re all a bit irritable …

Plus the house, keeping it clean (cleaner doesn’t help, adds to stress: tried that already!)

Managing kids and house is a FT job. I just feel like having a job on top is killing me. Oh and the 16 month old is constantly waking at night, I know I need to sleep train but given it often gets worse before it gets better I haven’t got the stomach yet!

HOW to manage!? I just don’t know but I’m EXHAUSTED!

Modern, western life is a fucking nightmare with small children. It feels almost impossible because it is. I married into a non-western family, with multi generational living and grand parents helping extensively, almost like co-parehts. It has its challenges but it’s made me feel that the current western nuclear model (including both parents working full time) isn’t really how we as animals were designed to bring up our children

Yes, it's horrific and can cause terrible mental health problems if you don't get any downtime.

I'm bemused by some of the suggestions about only doing the minimum of housework...them listing seriously crazy shit like dusting and cleaning skirting boards. Those can be left for a one-off with DH every six months or so, surely? I dusted a few skirting boards and shelves last weekend, but only because DS is 11 now, so can do most of it for me!

Cleaning one room a day? Just don't.

The bare minimum, i.e. hygiene, health & safety, is difficult enough.

It really can help to keep remembering it will pass.

And it's not natural. Humans are meant to live in communal groups where they share tasks, not struggling alone/in pairs.

I changed to 5 shorter days instead of 3 full days at work when DC started school and this has solved this issue for me. I get half an hour at home before the school run then a good couple of hours after school run to prepare dinner, do housework and spend time with DC. Maybe you could look at stretching your hours out like this so you don’t end up with the mad rush at either end of the day

It really is hard. Unfortunately though unless you can afford to reduce your hours further or not to work at all then I don’t know what else you can do. But yes really bloody hard

I’m in a similar boat. I have 3 (aged 8,2 and 1) and work 3 long shifts (12 hour) We also have 2 dogs. My DH works 5 awful shifts, usually out until 7.

I tend to find it best to clean every day so it doesn’t get crazy. Put a load of washing in a day. Hoover once. Walk dogs with DC in pram. Etc etc. I also organise everything the night before to make the school run easier. I also make easy meals, quick as possible!

I also give up one whole day usually to a house ‘reset’ if I can. I just let the DC potter around helping or playing with toys as I go.

The thing I found helped the most though was getting sleep. I go to bed with my children most of the time, I would rather get sleep than watch TV and you’ll feel much better for it!

True.

Oh, there’s always those people on these threads. “Do the minimum, with triplets I only slow-cook a roast twice a week, it’s OK to only bleach the loo once each morning – I let it work while I’m hoovering inside the sofa cushions.”

I go by everyone fed, nobody dead.

The problem is not that you’re working, it’s that your husband doesn’t help with the kids at all because he’s only home when they are asleep. He should be doing half the drop offs and pickups.

I also noticed you mentioned bath time. If you are doing it everyday, stop. There's no need.

I know lots of people have it as part of bedtime routine but it doesn't have to be. It's such a chunk of time when time is limited in the evening.

They won't come to any harm with one every couple of days and a wash.

I don't think the criticism of your husband is fair. If he start late then he'd just be even later home and it doesn't really gain anything.

What a useless comment. All you've done is gloat.

The dynamic of every household is very different, and some people are better at lack of sleep than others. OP is in a rough patch with her lack of sleep right now and you've said very discourangingly "be prepared to be shattered for the next 15 years!"

Uni he doesn't ah r to do half the drop off and pick ups

You work as a team to work out what each should and can do

In this case I would suggest as little as possible during the week and share chores and a lie in each at the weekend

You are at a brutal stage and I promise it does get easier. there were points my job nearly tipped us over the edge especially when one or both of the children were ill. But… at the other end, I’m glad I persevered. I have a career with good prospects and have a good pension that would have been minimal if I’d continued. 3 days was my sweet spot where I felt things worked pretty well.

I just find it awful how society expects women to look after multiple children, run a house and work....it's just so much. That's not to mention ever being able to exercise, rest, have some downtime, heaven forbid a social life! I also hate the idea that if you find it difficult, it's just because you're not trying enough

and to be prepared to be shattered for the next 15 years!
I thought YWBU until I read the last sentence.
You've described my life too (I had to get a cleaner once a week though as I was going insane with 12hr/day work+commute)...

And yesterday I was thinking about writing an AIBU about being completely exhausted but now I'll read this thread instead!

I hate it when people normalise living like this and try to put down others for choosing / trying not to.

@Newyearnewnameagain20 you are so right

Modern, western life certainly is a “fucking nightmare” 😉 and often does not honour our children, from the very young to teens with nurturing, happy adults who are present in the moment to actively enjoy sharing their precious childhoods

I only had my children minded by grandparents once when I attended a 16 month old child’s funeral. The rest of the time I was lucky that because my DH and I were older parents , we were able to use long service leave , annual leave to juggle things. I worked only two days part time in between also being SAHM until children at primary school then I worked full time and still do, with young adults at home. We both loved being parents of our four amazing children but it was almost impossible at times and my mental health took a dive.
I agree. @Newyearnewnameagain20 yes, extended families who were supported by their extended families are naturally more supportive of the children in their community and this makes parenting in the modern world a far saner experience, despite the challenges it may bring .

The early years are really tough.

We did similar and it's slightly better now the kids are older (6&8) but it's still exhausting.

Honest suggestion? Lower your standards. As long as your kids are fed and you're maintaining minimum hygiene standards, I wouldn't get worked up over a bit of dust and sheets not being changed.

• We rearranged our living room so the sofa divides it and the kids' crap is behind it. So when we (finally) collapse at the end of a day I don't have to look at it and I can pretend it's not there.
• I get kids involved as much as possible so necessary housework is done. Eg they help with laundry by matching socks and sorting their own stuff.
• The help in the garden because I bribe them with 1€ for each bag of leaves they pick up.
• once a month on a Sunday we stick a film on for them and blitz the house. Between then it's just basic hygiene wipe-downs of everything.

This. I am British Indian and have seen the collectivism get diluted over the years. I also see the stress also amongst my US colleagues who are parents even though they are earning loads seemingly living the ‘American Dream’. It’s horrible and me and DH are shaping our goals to move to be nearer to family so we can support each other more. Getting additional paid help in most western countries is extortionate, it seems like the best way forward is to be collectively minded as a larger family. This includes sensibly sharing finances when times are tough for individual members of the family.

Your DH needs to do stuff to help at weekends and in evenings. Both of us work full time in our household and we both share chores around our schedules.

sandwiches can be made and put in the freezer on a Sunday night for the week ahead for example

buy 7 sets of polo tops and bottoms for school uniform. Make sure 5 are washed and ready on a Sunday and 2 spare on rotation

Online food shopping - if he commutes on a train he can do the adds throughout the week and book the delivery for 8-9pm when you’re both home.

It does get easier as they get older and more able to do things themselves eg dressing and breakfast etc. but until then you both need to work as a team, even if he works more days than you.

Spreading your working hours over 5 days as a PP suggested might also help you feel less hectic and give you more time in afternoons

We have same age gap and same working arrangement. I'm in pretty similar situation as you but mine are now 2.5 and 4.5 years old. Mornings are manic and I'm a little late every day. It's been 2 years and noone has pulled me up on it yet, but I will say it is a very relaxed workplace.

On the days I'm working I collect the kids and try to stop somewhere like the park where they can run and frolick a bit before we arrive home. I find it clears everyone's heads and makes everyone less cranky. Much harder with the evenings drawing in though.

On wednesdays when im not working I often keep my eldest out of preschool along with my youngest who is home with me, so we can have a chill morning and breakfast, and do something enjoyable. I find it stops him getting too tired as the week goes on and he can reset midweek. My preschool is fine with this approach. I won't be able to next year when he starts primary.

I deep clean one room per week and I vaguely keep up with laundry and put the dishwasher on every evening. Husband sometimes hangs the laundry and walks the dog and will cook a weekend meal, though lately he's been working extra at weekends. I let my youngest cosleep if needed so I can rest.

Found click n collect at Tesco pretty handy when my youngest was smaller.

I definitely felt the same way as you but it has calmed down and the ages of your 2 now are really tough going!! I struggled at that stage too. I feel like mine have settled a lot in the past 6 months amd things are getting easier. I've also become much more forgiving of my own chaotic tendencies and stopped worrying what work thought of me. 🙃

Me and my DP both work full time and have 5 children. How do we cope? We both pull our weight and also embrace the chaos sometimes and ignore the housework every Friday night to relax and have a date night. DP get to wfh a lot and will do the laundry then. The robot hoover massively improved our lives (kids tidy up for a robot because they know it eats their Lego without any conscience) but fundamentally it sounds like your DP thinks that he doesn’t need to do any housework or mental load because you have 2 days a week to do it. That’s the problem.

I couldn't manage a job on top of small children. So for me, YANBU. Caring for your children, running the house, life admin, night wakings, enough downtime and rest for you (and DH) - that's full-time as it is.

The cost of living is just too high these days and the necessity for many of having two incomes makes the early years really hard.

It's crazy that a few decades ago families could cope with one income to function - albeit being careful with money.

I would suggest trying to change your work somehow? Or asking for help and respite from family if possible.

Agree with @WelcomeToMonkeyTown it’s much happier at home when you aim to keep a child-friendly home, not an immaculately clean home- beautiful where unrealistic standards create unnecessary tensions.
Life is too short, fuck the housework and dance with your partner and your kids!
Also reward them for small cleaning and tidying jobs even when they are not yet old enough to do it properly they will treasure your praise and love trying to help out💕
Can you take time out just for you and DH ? can you book childcare on a Friday when Dh works from home, maybe monthly or fortnightly so you both have lunch together and you get reprieve?

Yes, I'm surprised ready meals haven't been mentioned.
There are plenty of reasonable quality ones.

Yeh it's hard. But you manage. We all do (those of us who work full time with kids, anyway). It's tough but not forever.