To think my life is too grown up for my age?

[egammo]

I am 24 and have a partner who is 28. We rent a small flat in a nice area of London. We both work long hours in demanding jobs. We go out clubbing maybe once every two months. We see friends maybe once a week. Otherwise we go to the gym and save money for our deposit and for travelling to see the world, staying in nice hotels etc.

After finishing work at 7-8-9pm, I can’t wait to get home and just sleep.

I recently visited a uni friend who live in Manchester. She rents a cheap flat with some friends, a bit like student living. She has a decent 9-5 job. She socialises most days. Goes to festivals. Goes backpacking with friends. Saves some money for a deposit. Generally seems a lot more carefree and living what people think your 20s are like.

Whereas I’d say I’m living a much more sedate and early 30s lifestyle.

To be honest, the life you are describing was the norm in my generation and previous generations. I was married at 24, which was a good age because I had had the chance to do my music degree and work before getting married and having a home. I had my first baby when I was 26, my second at 28 and my third and final baby at 31. Most people l know were similar ages when this happened. A more recent phenomenon has been a teenage/student lifestyle years beyond the teenage years. Many young people seem to be almost Peter Pan like in their lifestyle and not ready to take on the responsibilities of full adulthood.

I was out more than you in my 30s!! Living abroad in my 20s, having a whole lot of fun. Still do. But also who cares. Are you happy or is there a side to you that has been crushed down and dampened to lead this very sensible lifestyle?

As long as you're happy it doesnt matter

Gosh so true

Seems normal to me for your mid 20s. You are a 'grown up' for God's sake - you aren't still a teenager.

Your friend who is still living a 'student life' sounds immature.

There's no right and wrong time to do anything. Don't live life based on what other people do, think about what YOU want.

Taking a long-term view, having kids and a mortgage (if doable) are the things that potentially might tie you down in terms of freedom and of finances for about two decades. If you want to do either or both of those you can do them sooner or later – which will give you more money and more freedom in your 20s/30s (if you start those in your 30s/early 40s) or in your 50s (if you do them in your 20s).

I went for doing them later and in my 20s and early 30s I lived abroad, shared flats, worked, did a postgraduate qualification that led into my current career - which were all easier with freedom and no-one else to spend my money on.

Now I'm in my 50s I have kids still at school, and will probably have financial responsibilities for them into my early 60s. Other people might be retired and travelling now. I'm happy with my choices though.

But ultimately it's always what's right for you, not for your friend. We all make different choices.

I get where you are coming from, I was a bit like you at your age.
Maybe being in a committed relationship and saving for a property is too much at the moment.

A compromise would be a good idea, go out and have fun more often and save less.

A PP mentioned other generations taking a different approach. I think the increase in the state pension age to 67 and potentially beyond in future will make it more likely that people want to have more freedom when they are younger since there's the risk of having to work until 67 (unless you save plenty in a pension instead) whatever age you settle down at.

I had three children and a husband at your age. Then again, I never did like clubbing and things, so different wants.

But the question is

• is this fleeting FOMO - the way DH and I might feel. Bit wistful for the perceived ease of their life after spending a relaxed day with our child free friends

OR

• is this a genuinely wake up call that something about your life isn’t quite how you would like it to be?

when I discuss these things with my husband we usually agree that we fundamentally love our life choices but need to make more effort to prioritise our friendships / going to the theatre more / going on more dates etc

occasionally it’s something more significant and we have a rethink - eg we stayed with some friends last year who are really really intense about their activity schedules - every moment of their weekends is packed with sports and clubs. We came away from it laughing about it - but it ate away at me and I realised I was feeling concerned that we were being too relaxed about our own sports + children’s activities. We didn’t need to go all the way the other way - but I’m glad we identified that and have structured our lives so we are all busy with planned activities + sports on Saturday and have Sundays free for friends / family / birthday parties etc

It’s useful data that you’re feeling anything about it - don’t shy away from it! Discuss it with your partner - see if you can drill down on anything particular you might like to be different. Or seek some reassurance that the way your life is set up is working for you both!

As long as you are going at your own pace and you feel happy with it, there's no issue! I do understand how you feel. I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 23. Bought a house at 22, got a dog, married at 24, moved house (upsized), first baby at 26, now expecting our 2nd in 8 weeks, and I'm 28. None of my friends have done ANY of this. A few of my husband's friends have settled down with kids, but they've all been in their late 20s or early 30s doing so.

I never liked clubbing, had no desire to enjoy what others called the 'freedom' of your 20s - I don't think getting wasted and living a life of overconsumption amounts to freedom!

Enjoy the life you're building at your speed.

My life was like yours at your age. I couldn't bear being in a house share anymore and having my own place was more important than backpacking etc. I would have like to have travelled more in my 20s but I couldn't have everything. I am happy with the choices I made but I do agree with PP, sometimes being envious of someone else's life means something might be lacking within your own. If there is something you are longing to do and you can do it without too much compromise on your ultimate goals, than you should do it. It is very easy to get stuck in ruts, at any age.

You do you.

If you're happy then it doesn't matter that you're living a life that's more '30s', whatever that means.

For what it's worth, I'm 35 and I am maturing backwards. I go raving, date inappropriate people (had a fling with a 21 year-old over the summer), I'm about to move abroad to live & work, and I've been told I 'dress young'. Oh and I've never been happier / more comfortable in my own skin.

When I was your age, I was in a serious longterm relationship with someone I thought I would marry, I hadn't discovered raving/MDMA, and I was spending my evenings and weekends studying for professional exams.

So things can change - there's no right time to do your 20's! 😉

If you're feeling a bit envious of your friend's lifestyle and you're wondering if you'd like less responsibility, I'd say Live A Little. Lots of people live boring unfulfilled lives so it may seem normal, but your life doesn't have to be that way if you don't want to. 24, to me, seems very young to have a lot of responsibility. That shit ages you!

The key is what you do actually want? Is there a bit of you that needs some adventure? Or do you just feel insecure or inferior or something when you compare yourself to your friend? If the latter, be kind to yourself and accept who you are and what you like.

If there's a niggle saying "There must be more to life..." then listen to it. You only get one life. And 24 is so young.

Well, your friends life definitely seems more fun!

Your 30s are coming anyway - why do them in your 20s?

I'm 35 and my 20s were absolutely brilliant. Travel, nights out, festivals, endless adventures! I wouldn't trade those experiences for the whole world.

Of the people I know, nobody who had a fun and adventurous period in their late teens and twenties regrets it. We all talk about that time with absolute joy and share our crazy stories and adventures. The people who had more boring/quiet periods in their twenties do regret it a bit though. We're all the same now, more-or-less - in our thirties with good jobs and settled. But the ones who didn't do the fun-twenties have a feeling that they missed out, and feel a bit sad about it. Like they've missed their chance now, as they have too many responsibilities now.

Are you happy? So you want to travel?

I advise my younger siblings plan for the future whilst living in the now. You do you.

I think it is totally personal. There is nothing wrong per se with your life and lifestyle BUT if you have the feeling that it is all happening too fast then you should think about this (before buying the flat with your partner...)

I think there's something to be said for recognising that those things can be 'full adulthood' for lots of people, too, though. Adulthood does not automatically mean buying a house, getting married, settling down into one steady romantic relationship, having children. I think it's a good thing that people nowadays feel able to do what makes them happy, rather than what is the 'expected' ""adult"" behaviour. Adulthood is merely an age stage: in terms of what you're actually doing with your life, there's nothing to stop a 60 year old going out 3 nights a week and going on a million holidays and casually dating. Adulthood merely means you've earned the right to choose for yourself and I'm glad people are choosing what makes them happy instead of feeling obliged to Settle Down And Be A Grown Up in one prescribed way.