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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anybody here with a guy who has “boys”

85 replies

MyApa · 30/09/2024 18:10

I’m seeing a really nice guy. We have both just turned 30 and sick of being single/dating life. We get on well and have shared interests.

I just have never dated a guy who is really into his male friendship group. He constantly references their chat group, he says things like “wait till the boys hear this” etc. Its such a turn off! I’m glad he’s got a wide friendship network but I really find it cringe worthy.

This morning he was having a team call, he was asked what he did at the weekend and I could overhear him say “the lads and I went to x”. It was perfectly professional but I just get the absolute ick. I don’t know why! He’s moderately posh so I don’t know if it’s something to do with it feeling put on? Try hard? Immature? I don’t know!

Am I the one being weird?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyApa · 30/09/2024 18:13

He constantly brings them up

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/09/2024 18:13

I think this is quite normal. I can think of men I know and like who talk like this. It wouldn't be a red flag for me as such.

I'd find it a bit off-putting if it was more like, "Lads lads lads!" to talk about regularly getting shitfaced and acting like teenagers, but if it's, "the lads and I went to a football match" or something else with a focus to it other than drinking, it wouldn't bother me.

ScottBakula · 30/09/2024 18:14

It wouldn't bother me , it's only like me saying I am going out with the girls.

And yes I know mn women tend to hate the phrase girls when they mean women but saying I am going out with the women sounds odd to me.

K0OLA1D · 30/09/2024 18:14

My partner of 14 years has a lads group. They all went school together. Go out for meets every few months etc. No ick here.

mushpush · 30/09/2024 18:20

I do similar with the "girls" - I don't think that's a red flag?

Catza · 30/09/2024 18:21

My partner calls his employees "boys". They are both men in their 40s, about the same age as my partner. Doesn't bother me at all, why would it?

BeatsAntique · 30/09/2024 18:25

It would give me the ick too. Sounds juvenile and laddish to me. I wouldn’t refer to my friends as ‘the girls’ either, though. I’d just say ‘my friends’ or my ‘work/book group/foodie/pub quiz friends’ if a distinction was needed.

alwaysmovingforwards · 30/09/2024 18:26

I guess you can get the ick at whatever you want OP... but I couldn’t share your view in this one.

It’s his friendship circle, they seem important to him, this is simply a term he refers to them by. It’s normal and healthy.

Unless you’re billy no mates and low key resent his strong friendships?

Lasttraintolondon · 30/09/2024 18:26

Person has friends and his own interests and gives you the 'ick'. Jesus.

Lostthetastefordahlias · 30/09/2024 18:31

DH would say the “guys” about his male friendship group, maybe the lads (not the boys, we are both in our 40s). I was wary initially because I think there’s an association between groups of men and toxic masculinity. But in fact they are great and they have been a great support to him through tough times. So it might be worth having a think about whats behind your reaction. Its good for men to have friends, but thats not always celebrated like female friends are.

Hankunamatata · 30/09/2024 18:36

They are his friends. Some people their friendship group is their chosen family

NahNotHavingIt · 30/09/2024 18:38

Yes, I think it's a weird thing to get the ick about.

Sia8899 · 30/09/2024 18:46

I’m kind of with you, “guys” or “lads” just sounds different to “the boys” but can’t put my finger on why

Edit: Wait are you talking about his phrasing or that he has a group of friends? Hope it’s not the latter

Ziplob · 30/09/2024 18:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

goodluckbinbin · 30/09/2024 18:47

Having a good friendship grp gives you the ick??? Can you imagine if he said they same about you and your female friends?? I think it's healthy. Having friendships IS healthy.

SauviGone · 30/09/2024 18:47

It is a really weird thing to get the ick over.

But I'm with you, I read he says things like “wait till the boys hear this” and it made my toes curl Grin, it makes me picture him as a cross between Danny Dyer and Jay from the Inbetweeners.

CurlewKate · 30/09/2024 18:48

@MyApa Are you objecting to the term "boys" or the fact that he has a friendship group? I'm not keen on "boys" but it doesn't have the same connotation as "girls".

If it's the fact that he has a friendship group, then,frankly, grow up.

OnYourTogs · 30/09/2024 18:48

Yes, you are totally the one being weird. I'm struggling to see any issue in what you have described with your boyfriend, who seems to have friends, who he likes.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/09/2024 18:49

One of the things I found attractive about DH when we met was that he had a group of really good, mutually supportive, close male friends. I think it’s a really healthy thing for men to have, as so many have only superficial relationships with other men and few opportunities to really share proper friendships and talk about the things they’re going through. I wouldn’t see it as a negative at all. Calling them lads / boys / guys / chaps are all just colloquial ways of saying the same thing, it’s not especially meaningful.

I get that you probably aren’t interested in their chat group but I think it’s quite positive that he talks to you about his friends and thinks you’d be interested. They, and the things they all talk and laugh about, are an important part of his life he’s sharing with you.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/09/2024 18:49

If it gives you the ick then it gives you the ick, but it's worth questioning why.

Surely someone having a strong friendship group is a good thing rather than a negative.

Is it about the phrasing? "The boys", "The lads". Because "I went out with my friends" makes someone sound like a 12 year old unfortunately. Would "mates" be better because it's sex neutral?

FasterMichelin · 30/09/2024 18:50

Screams desperate. YANBU to get the ick, I would too. It's what I would expect from a 20 year old, not a 30 year old.

Thiswayorthatway · 30/09/2024 18:50

Would you rather he didn’t have any friends?

FasterMichelin · 30/09/2024 18:52

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 30/09/2024 18:49

If it gives you the ick then it gives you the ick, but it's worth questioning why.

Surely someone having a strong friendship group is a good thing rather than a negative.

Is it about the phrasing? "The boys", "The lads". Because "I went out with my friends" makes someone sound like a 12 year old unfortunately. Would "mates" be better because it's sex neutral?

I'm guessing it's the wording. I'd get the ick with constant "the lads", "the boys" too.

Like there's no need to constantly go on about it, and "oh I had some drinks with friends" would be much better than "I went out with the boys here" like he's some kind of cooler than cool lad. Yuk.

Sounds like he's putting on a show to look popular. Sad really.

5128gap · 30/09/2024 18:58

Yes. My DP has a very tight friendship group. It took some getting used to tbh as they are very close, with much more open boundaries than I'm used to, and when something is going on for one theyre all there for it. As our relationship has progressed I've got used to it, and actually find it quite touching now and think they're lucky to have it. Selfishly, I'd also find it difficult if I were the sole source of support amd companionship for him as I like to do my thing, so its good to know he has his people too. Especially as his family are not the best.

gannett · 30/09/2024 18:58

FasterMichelin · 30/09/2024 18:52

I'm guessing it's the wording. I'd get the ick with constant "the lads", "the boys" too.

Like there's no need to constantly go on about it, and "oh I had some drinks with friends" would be much better than "I went out with the boys here" like he's some kind of cooler than cool lad. Yuk.

Sounds like he's putting on a show to look popular. Sad really.

Show quote history

More sad to read so much into a colloquialism so normal and widespread that I'm amazed anyone has any type of feeling about it.

Every collective noun I've ever used to describe my friendship groups is something we use among ourselves that strengthens our bond and frankly it's not a partner's place to have opinions on whether I call my female friends "the lads" or address them as "the bitches" in group chats.

Also ironic that someone who objects to common wording will use the phrase "the ick", which makes me heave.