Anybody here with a guy who has “boys”

[MyApa]

I’m seeing a really nice guy. We have both just turned 30 and sick of being single/dating life. We get on well and have shared interests.

I just have never dated a guy who is really into his male friendship group. He constantly references their chat group, he says things like “wait till the boys hear this” etc. Its such a turn off! I’m glad he’s got a wide friendship network but I really find it cringe worthy.

This morning he was having a team call, he was asked what he did at the weekend and I could overhear him say “the lads and I went to x”. It was perfectly professional but I just get the absolute ick. I don’t know why! He’s moderately posh so I don’t know if it’s something to do with it feeling put on? Try hard? Immature? I don’t know!

Am I the one being weird?

Eh? My dp says 'ah the lads are going for a pint Friday, so we're going to go.....' to appear popular? To me?

What a reach

(I think the thing I wouldn't like is that he ONLY had male friends. People who only socialise with their own sex are deeply weird to me.)

😁
On this site men are forbidden from having female friends if they are in a relationship, and any woman with a male friend is a husband stealing trollop!

I've noticed. Like I said, weird!

I wonder if there might be some unconscious jealousy here. Perhaps the idea of your boyfriend having other meaningful relationships is difficult for you.

Only on MN would having friends be considered a red flag 🤣

I don't see the problem. He has friends. Would you rather he didn't?

Is he constantly ditching you to hang with "the boys"? What kind of stuff is he constantly relating back to them? Personal stuff?

Surely a guy having a solid support network and long term friends is a good sign if it's not adversely affecting your time together? Do you have friends?

Wait wait do they call each other by their surnames?
Yeah, it is very immature sounding. Can you imagine insert someone mature and masculine here saying it. Bloody hell, can't think of a single example that isn't from the 1940s.

I know what you mean. I used to date a guy who watched DVDs at a mate's house every Thursday without fail and they took turns to be the host within the group. I didn't think there was anything really wrong with it but I thought it was a bit odd for a man in his mid 30s. Maybe because I had children and didn't have a lot of free time I saw things that way, but then again, some of his mates had wives and kids.

I don’t mind that he has friends obviously, it’s the constant referencing of them and the term “boys” I guess.

I’m definitely not jealous, I have 4 best friends from secondary school that are like sisters. Plus 2 sisters. I don’t call them the girls though.

Is it specifically the term "boys" that you don't like?

@gannett "I think the thing I wouldn't like is that he ONLY had male friends. People who only socialise with their own sex are deeply weird to me.

My close friends are all women. While I do have friend who are men, I would always rather hang out with women. So much more fun and interesting and less ego driven.

If he mentions 'the lads' regularly then yes, yuk.

Ooook. Using words like 'yuk' and he's the 'sad' one 🤣

That’s really patronising. I’d feel massively professionally disrespected if my boss called me anything other than “my colleague”.

Does he also talk about “the girls on Reception”?

(Not the same situation as OP’s boyfriend, his use of “boys” is absolutely fine. My husband calls his 3 university friends “the boys”, though he does it mostly as it’s quicker to use a collective noun than saying “Tom, Dick and Harry”, and he sort of says it ironically)

They also don't seem to mind. They knew each other for decades. That'a not the point though. Even of they felt patronised it literally has nothing to do with me. Why would it give me the ick?

Yep I don't like laddy lads and never dated one. They're usually the worst for sexist banter, cheating etc

We use the term "fellas" in my house, and it's gender neutral. "Going for a pint with the football fellas", "don't forget I'm meeting the reading group fellas tonight". Don't know where it's come from, but it's stuck.

You can't help how you feel.

DH has a group of friends who have all known each other since university (circa 20 years). They meet up every week for gaming + a monthly meal out. Then we all get together sometimes as families/friends.

I think it's really healthy he has a group of friends who enjoy spending time together, show up for each other when one of them is going through stuff, and there's always someone for one of them to talk to if they need to offload or need advice.

This, I’m picturing him as Gavin from Gavin and Stacey

Are you put off by the activities themselves? Too time consuming, exclusionary of partners , unsavoury, for instance? Id get it if the 'boys' go golfing, drinking and stripper -watching all weekend, every weekend.

If it's just the term then I don't get it. It's nice he has good friends

Ha ha yes, does his Mum go all giggly when they come round?

OP- I understand if it's third parties using the word, but for a close-knit circle?
My friends and I are in our 40s- we have been friends since we were 14/15 and to this day refer to the group as the girls. It's quite normal. My DH (40s) too refers to his friends as the guys or the boys. They have been his best mates for over 2 decades and he talks to and about them all the time- as I do about my friends. I find nothing wrong with it. These are important relationships, for his mental wellbeing, sense of community and our marriage as well.
There are more important things to worry about TBH. He seems like a kind man- don't spoil this with trivialities.

It appears that you are getting the ick about something that is a really a non-issue. Perhaps it's the colloquialism that he is comfortable with or what his other friends also call each other, so it has become a habit. I've heard many women call say- girls' night or hanging out the girls. Does that give you the ick too or is it just in this case?