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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask XH for some money now DD is living here 100%

93 replies

BusyWren · 30/09/2024 13:50

The agreement when we split was that we both had both DC half the time and paid for their food / outings etc while with us. Other costs are on a spreadsheet and we settle up whoever owes the other at the end of each month. This covers clothes, shoes phones etc.
3 months ago DD (a teenager) decided she no longer felt able to live with her dad 50% and has since spent 1 night there plus joined him and her brother / his new GF and family on a weeks holiday.
Money is tight but not worryingly so yet but I'm paying for all her food, hot water, hair dryer electricity and trips out with friends - which adds up.
Should I ask if he's willing to contribute? Or point out child maintenance calculator?

OP posts:
Chowtime · 30/09/2024 13:50

YANBU he should pay yes.

Original poster
BusyWren · 30/09/2024 14:03

I think this may be something where once I've written it down it's obvious!
I tried the CM calculator but not sure how I adjust that for how much he's already paying via the spreadsheet.

OP posts:
Skyrainlight · 30/09/2024 16:23

Yes, he should contribute a bit more.

Original poster
BusyWren · 30/09/2024 19:38

I asked very gently. He declined and said I should be paying him for the extra time I get with her. And if I can't afford to keep her I should kick her out. Delightful.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/09/2024 19:42

If you went to CMS and he stopped sharing the other costa would you be worse off?

tothelefttotheleft · 30/09/2024 19:48

How old is your dd?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 30/09/2024 19:50

Yes, it’s totally normal that he now compensate for what he is not providing at the moment so that you can provide it.

Original poster
BusyWren · 30/09/2024 21:58

I think I'd be better off going to CMS to demand it - probably better off than if he'd just given me a few quid extra as I'd hoped.
And DD is 14.

OP posts:
Original poster
BusyWren · 30/09/2024 22:00

I mean I'd be financially better off than current arrangement.

OP posts:
sarahzbaker · 30/09/2024 22:06

CMS then

teenmaw · 30/09/2024 22:08

You should be paying him? The man's a fucking crackpot, straight to CMS

RandomMess · 30/09/2024 22:11

CMS then unless he's self-employed?

WalkingaroundJardine · 30/09/2024 22:13

Yes, definitely CMS. It would take the heat out of it if he’s dealing with a third party and it would help you with the costs of having your DD at home 100% for the next 4 years.

Chowtime · 30/09/2024 23:35

Yep. CMS.

Self employed parents also have to pay child maintenance - there seems to be a bit of a "mumsnet myth" that they don't. They do - of course they do.

Original poster
BusyWren · 02/10/2024 17:07

I'm very decided I'll give him a few days and see if he comes to his senses and then open a CMS case.
It's crazy as I was only expecting him to give me a tiny bit towards the extra costs - but turns out he should probably be paying me quite a bit as he earns well.

OP posts:
Cerialkiller · 02/10/2024 17:11

Chowtime · 30/09/2024 23:35

Yep. CMS.

Self employed parents also have to pay child maintenance - there seems to be a bit of a "mumsnet myth" that they don't. They do - of course they do.

Edited

It's not that they don't have to pay, it's that it's very easy for self employed people to get away with paying very little/nothing and even though CMS in theory has the powers to sort it out, in practice it often doesn't.

Original poster
BusyWren · 02/10/2024 17:22

No self-employment in my situation. Just a nice big salary.

OP posts:
BananaSplitSandwich · 02/10/2024 17:35

BusyWren · 30/09/2024 19:38

I asked very gently. He declined and said I should be paying him for the extra time I get with her. And if I can't afford to keep her I should kick her out. Delightful.

Just wow. Stop with the spreadsheet and get onto the CMS right away.

BananaSplitSandwich · 02/10/2024 17:37

Chowtime · 30/09/2024 23:35

Yep. CMS.

Self employed parents also have to pay child maintenance - there seems to be a bit of a "mumsnet myth" that they don't. They do - of course they do.

Edited

They do if they’re honest, decent people. It’s not a ‘Mumsnet myth’ about self-employed people not paying. Loads of them don’t and the CMS find it really hard to make them. There’s sickening Facebook groups where they all pat each other on the back for paying as little as possible (preferably nothing).

CoffeeCup14 · 02/10/2024 17:48

Start a CMS claim now. It starts from the date you claim and it's really easy. It can feel a little aggressive, but his responses so far don't suggest he's going to come round to your way of thinking.

ThatGladTiger · 02/10/2024 17:53

One thing to consider is that going down to CMS route may lead to issues down the line. Before pressing that button, I would suggest to your ex that he has an option to pay you £X extra or you will have no option but to go to the CMS and send him a link to the calculator.

Whilst the CMS may be a higher amount, getting it paid is another matter and it can be years of stress to force it. Whilst you’re relatively on good speaking terms maybe try the option above first?

Arlanymor · 02/10/2024 17:55

ThatGladTiger · 02/10/2024 17:53

One thing to consider is that going down to CMS route may lead to issues down the line. Before pressing that button, I would suggest to your ex that he has an option to pay you £X extra or you will have no option but to go to the CMS and send him a link to the calculator.

Whilst the CMS may be a higher amount, getting it paid is another matter and it can be years of stress to force it. Whilst you’re relatively on good speaking terms maybe try the option above first?

Edited

I was going to suggest this - if he can see that he is 'getting a better deal' for want of a better turn of phrase then he might be willing to revise his original opinion. But make sure that before you do this you know exactly how much extra you want from him.

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 02/10/2024 18:33

BusyWren · 30/09/2024 19:38

I asked very gently. He declined and said I should be paying him for the extra time I get with her. And if I can't afford to keep her I should kick her out. Delightful.

Well doesn't he think he's cute?

Straight to CMS see how funny he thinks it is then.

Original poster
BusyWren · 02/10/2024 18:44

His message was quite aggressive tbh. He's been fine since, but I'm scared how he'll react to anything I suggest or initiate. He thinks I encouraged DD to stop coming to him, when that was his parenting...
I'd love to go back to having half the week in peace!

OP posts:
WalkingaroundJardine · 02/10/2024 19:27

ThatGladTiger · 02/10/2024 17:53

One thing to consider is that going down to CMS route may lead to issues down the line. Before pressing that button, I would suggest to your ex that he has an option to pay you £X extra or you will have no option but to go to the CMS and send him a link to the calculator.

Whilst the CMS may be a higher amount, getting it paid is another matter and it can be years of stress to force it. Whilst you’re relatively on good speaking terms maybe try the option above first?

Edited

I personally found the reverse and going the CMS route led to a reduction in conflict. My ex was self employed too, unlike the OP’s ex. We had a private arrangement to begin with but my ex would delay and muck around with payments whenever there was some unrelated issue he wasn’t happy with. He was annoyed at first that I went CMS but it settled after that.

It doesn’t seem like the OP’s husband is very amenable or receptive to reasonable discussion with his remark that the OP should be paying him for having more of the DD’s care.