To ask XH for some money now DD is living here 100%

[BusyWren]

The agreement when we split was that we both had both DC half the time and paid for their food / outings etc while with us. Other costs are on a spreadsheet and we settle up whoever owes the other at the end of each month. This covers clothes, shoes phones etc.
3 months ago DD (a teenager) decided she no longer felt able to live with her dad 50% and has since spent 1 night there plus joined him and her brother / his new GF and family on a weeks holiday.
Money is tight but not worryingly so yet but I'm paying for all her food, hot water, hair dryer electricity and trips out with friends - which adds up.
Should I ask if he's willing to contribute? Or point out child maintenance calculator?

How much does the spreadsheet average out at i.e. how much is he paying there? A previous poster suggested 100 a month (i.e. that the spreadsheet costs are 200 and then split). Does that sound about right? Is there anything big coming up that you'd want him to pay 50% of?

Asking because he'll likely stop paying the spreadsheet costs if you go down the CMS route so you do need to play it carefully. It's very unlikely you'll be 600 up. Sounds like you'll be a fair amount up though.

Other thing is it's only been 3 months and she's 14. Do you think it's likely this is long term? Absolutely push for more, but be careful that you don't break down the co-parenting relationship if it's possible this is only temporary.

And then finally, his aggressive text isn't ok but is it possible this isn't so much about the money, but him being upset that her living with you and not seeing him much is being thought of as a long term thing? This might be completely off base, and he's actually just an arse, but if he is a 'good dad' it is something that would be really upsetting.

CMS first thing today!

As he has chosen to be a wanker first and a dad second I'd go via CMS. Saves all the baloney. Forget the spreadsheet. Your poor daughter, I wonder if he's said any of these awful things to her face.

He sounds like he's being a dick. You sound very reasonable in saying £600 is more than you're out of pocket. If he's going to be so unreasonable I'd persue a child maintenance claim and anything extra putting savings account for when she's older.

Go with the CSM claim if that will be more than the half he pays currently, knowing that obviously that will stop, and will most likely not restart if you do get to a point that she starts to go again. Regarding your son- he still goes 50/50 I assume? Is the girlfriend now living there, which means you should be able to get the collateral from the house? Maybe remind him that all you're looking for is costs, and not that.

Maybenormal - lots of good points that some people are missing here. Across both DC he is paying £200 / month on average on the shared expenses. This is school transport etc.
He is upset and angry. He blames me not any of the choices he made. Even DD recognises it must be hard. I can't imagine her going back there for 50% but would support her to.

GF is there every weekend but not 'moved in' so doesn't trigger the charge on the house. But I'm genuinely fine with that - just looking for something fair.

No need to call me thick, or tell me to push ahead. I'm giving him time to realise there's a better middle ground.

This is how they control. By making us scared to say anything about 💔

OP , Please go with CMS! If you find that it's somehow unfair; that he's pays more than DD costs you then put it aside for her without telling her.

I'd try again now you've given him space. It definitely sounds like you should be getting much more, and you would be completely within your rights to go straight to CMS. I'd just try to agree something amicably if possible.

I might be reading this wrong, but my take is he's upset and looking to blame someone other than himself because it is hard to accept that your children don't want to be with you because of something you did. That's not fair, but if he's generally been decent, I'd give him another chance.

It's worth noting that he may not be easily able to come up with extra 500. Again, it sounds like you are entitled to it, but also have this in the back of your mind when discussing with him.

I am not saying you should allow him to get away with paying less than he is required to, but that IF you have been working together well so far I wouldn't jump straight to 'I'm going to CMS to get what I'm owed'. You've obviously only provided limited information here, but as I said if he is a arse maybe CM is the right approach. Only you know of he's an arse!

You could always save the extra £600 for future costs for the DC, activities and days out you can do together, a holiday or put towards rent. You're having to pay the higher rent because of the relationship breakdown and to house his kids so it is completely fair to use it for that.

It's hard when you have someone convincing you that you're being grabby and unreasonable, but you really aren't OP.

You can't reason with unreasonable people.

You can phone up CMS to start the claim and then still have a private agreement for less. That may help him focus his mind.

I would ring up today as they don't backdate it.

Also if your DC go to uni I doubt he will give them anything especially DD, save towards that.

I sent a message today suggesting he may have reflected and seen his offer of £10 a week plus the shared costs of food etc was a little unfair.
His reply ranted about how much feeding her might cost and said £10 was generous. He demanded a breakdown of my costs.

Apparently the CMS calculation is absolutely ridiculous. And the objective is to get DD living at his again.

I don't think it deserves a response. I think it's clear he had no respect for the idea that he legal has to pay towards his daughter more than a survival amount.

Looks like I'll be starting a savings account for the kids future with the spare!

Ok you tried so CMS it is.

Although if in the next month or so you're expecting him to go 50:50 on an expensive school trip, I would wait until after he's paid for that!

Oh well you tried this is his choice now, hie thee to cms.

Um, be aware that he won't automatically have to pay CMS, he can just refuse for months (years?) until they can get a court order on his earnings and enforce it. So you may be waiting a long time for your £600

CMS are shit

Is he paying you rent for his occupation of your share of the house?

That’s not required when you have a charge on a house. It’s specifically stated in the paperwork.

I see.. as your dd is now living with you permanently, and your other child for half the time, it sounds like it may be time to sell

I will wait until the deadline I gave and get on with it.
It doesn’t matter if it takes a few months - I have savings and no big expenses planned.

Again, even if both children lived with me full time this isn’t a trigger for him to have to pay my share. I agreed to this arrangement and still happy with it, although think my solicitor should have thought of the situation where neither child is living there for a period of time as being an appropriate trigger.

OP this is money your kids are entitled to. Why are you looking at it as money you don't need? It's for them! This is their money that their dad should be paying to provide for them. Get the claim in for them!

I have said I will. When the date I have given arrives. It's a couple of days.

I understand how it works - my partner earns less and pays out significantly more towards his DC. By choice. Because it's the right thing to do.