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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask XH for some money now DD is living here 100%

93 replies

BusyWren · 30/09/2024 13:50

The agreement when we split was that we both had both DC half the time and paid for their food / outings etc while with us. Other costs are on a spreadsheet and we settle up whoever owes the other at the end of each month. This covers clothes, shoes phones etc.
3 months ago DD (a teenager) decided she no longer felt able to live with her dad 50% and has since spent 1 night there plus joined him and her brother / his new GF and family on a weeks holiday.
Money is tight but not worryingly so yet but I'm paying for all her food, hot water, hair dryer electricity and trips out with friends - which adds up.
Should I ask if he's willing to contribute? Or point out child maintenance calculator?

OP posts:
PugInTheHouse · 02/10/2024 19:43

I would just go straight to CMS, the fact he reacted that way shows he can't be relied on.

My SIL asked her XH for an extra £25 a month when their DD was about 16. He hadn't increased the maintenance since he left when she was 2 (he had an affair and moved in with the GF) and it was only ever an informal agreement. He sent some extremely nasty messages back so she went to CMS and he had to pay £150 a month more, he messaged being all nice and offered I think it was £50 a month but SIL said no and they were only going via official channels now.

He has never wanted to contribute and now she's at uni he pays as little as possible as apparently him and his GF want to do stuff so need the money.

RandomMess · 02/10/2024 20:12

Be aggressive is designed to scare you, go to CMS it's the legal MINIMUM he has to pay.

He isn't ever going to be reasonable, because he isn't a reasonable man is he?

Original poster
BusyWren · 06/10/2024 15:03

I sent a careful yet formal email earlier attaching the CMS calculation and explaining the private agreement or they sort it options. Gave a deadline to let me know if he'd like to pursue a private agreement.
He replied attacking me for not forcing DD to go there again. I politely replied and he's come back with a suggested amount. The tool says £600 / month. He has suggested £10/ week (in addition to splitting the costs on the spreadsheet as before, I assume.)
Feels a bit of an insult to DD and to me!

OP posts:
CovertPiggery · 06/10/2024 15:09

BusyWren · 06/10/2024 15:03

I sent a careful yet formal email earlier attaching the CMS calculation and explaining the private agreement or they sort it options. Gave a deadline to let me know if he'd like to pursue a private agreement.
He replied attacking me for not forcing DD to go there again. I politely replied and he's come back with a suggested amount. The tool says £600 / month. He has suggested £10/ week (in addition to splitting the costs on the spreadsheet as before, I assume.)
Feels a bit of an insult to DD and to me!

£40 per week instead of £600. What a pisstaker.

I'd reply to say no thanks. Get that CMS claim in today OP!

baileys6904 · 06/10/2024 15:17

The guys just had to deal with being rejected by his daughter, and that will sting. On top of that he's now being asked for money - it's easier to be angry at you and blame you 'enticing her for money' than just ' he wasn't good enough'.

It's not right, and he should of course pay more, but it's not just facts and figures

Original poster
BusyWren · 06/10/2024 15:37

Absolutely. I'm actively encouraging DD to rebuild the relationship and she is trying. He just isn't getting what she needs and that she's growing up.

It's been nearly 4 months. I will continue to try, and have offered him advice and support to do this, but he tends to keep getting fighty with me about it. I would love to go back to half the week free of children, but I put the children's needs first - his suggestion to kick her out if I can't afford her doesn't feel like the right approach.

OP posts:
ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 06/10/2024 15:44

Don't give the man any opportunity to send shitty messages, he refuses to behave himself so all contact should be through a parenting app. Block him on all other platforms. Forget the spreadsheet and get CMS to make him pay for his kid.
Enjoy the peace.

Thfrog · 06/10/2024 15:45

BusyWren · 30/09/2024 19:38

I asked very gently. He declined and said I should be paying him for the extra time I get with her. And if I can't afford to keep her I should kick her out. Delightful.

You should be paying him to feed his child an extra day? What

lollylo · 06/10/2024 15:48

Does she have room at his house though? It’s a difficult one. I’m in this situation as my 16yo prefers dad’s as it’s near school, mates and his patch. He has a room in each house. We have two over 18s as well. One is working and moves between, neither of us charge rent. One at uni who we equally contribute to. I bought a house that fitted all the kids, and have to pay for that. If ex wanted cms, then 16yp would need to equally spend time at mine. There were 6 months I had nowhere for kids, so I paid cms including for the child who worked.

He can get to school, there is a direct school bus and can be given lifts to mates. If I’d have planned for him not to be with me, I’d have bought a smaller property and had lower expenses. As we share clothing and living costs for him, the only additional expense is more food each week. Mortgage, utilities etc have to be paid anyway. So it depends really on how you split expenses and if he has room for her.

Original poster
BusyWren · 06/10/2024 15:48

Thfrog · 06/10/2024 15:45

You should be paying him to feed his child an extra day? What

Show quote history

As she is half his property I am liable for rent, I guess. It’s not logic I can follow. And illegal.

OP posts:
Rooroobear · 06/10/2024 15:49

Stop bothering to try and be reasonable with him. Of course he isn’t going to be willing to pay but just go to cms. Just do it, no messing around giving him an opportunity.

Original poster
BusyWren · 06/10/2024 15:52

Lollylo - this is why I wanted to try and have a private, reasonable, agreement. There is a room there but I am liable for extra gas, electricity, food, and have been paying for all summer holiday trips out etc. it’s definitely more than £10 a week, but less than £600 a month.
He can always sell up and get somewhere smaller, but then he’ll have to pay me my share of the house. I am paying (extortionate…) rent to ensure he could keep the family home while kids were young.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/10/2024 16:14

You could go back and explain politely that forcing DD will not improve her relationship with him just damage it further.

You could remind him that £600 is the legal MINIMUM.

TBH just go through CMS as he'll likely be controlling and start dictating what he will and won't pay half for.

lollylo · 06/10/2024 17:58

Agree then that the ‘family’ home needs to be sold so you can both adequately house yourselves. We had ours nested and the finally sold. Also, school trips remain a joint expense.

RandomMess · 06/10/2024 19:32

Absolutely time to insist the family home is sold to get your share.

You also need to attribute a share of the rent to housing DD as a home with fewer bedrooms would be cheaper, as would not being close to her school etc.

Original poster
BusyWren · 06/10/2024 22:34

I can't insist it's sold. I have a charge on the house. If he chooses to sell, marries, or moves someone in I get my share.

OP posts:
CovertPiggery · 07/10/2024 18:27

That's even worse that he gets to live in your family home while you pay high rent. And he's a high earner.

Get the claim in OP!

RandomMess · 07/10/2024 19:36

You can apply to the court to have it sold to release your share surely?

Original poster
BusyWren · 07/10/2024 21:35

I don't need that cash. Tbh I can't afford to buy even with my equity, so happy to wait.

OP posts:
Gonegirl7 · 07/10/2024 22:06

Cms for sure.

hilarious that he thinks you should be paying him

MuggleMe · 07/10/2024 22:14

Just do CMS, that's money to benefit your daughter. If you don't need it put it in savings.

ThinWomansBrain · 07/10/2024 22:29

you've been 'dealing with it gently for four months" for four months??!
stop prevaricating and get on with it
£600 a month? guesstimating that the spreadsheet payments average £100 a month, that's £2k you've lost out on in four months.

Original poster
BusyWren · 08/10/2024 04:06

To be clear, I don't need the cash from the house. I could do with a few pounds extra a month as am definitely spending a lot more on food etc!

I have so far ignored the £10 a week suggestion as life has been rather full on and I've been concentrating on DC but with my job likely to end shortly and still no job offer I know there's an argument to just get CMS to sort it out. But £600 is far more than I am out of pocket.

OP posts:
Floppyelf · 08/10/2024 04:24

Why are you not putting in that CMS claim? I think you want to seen as a matyr. The system is there for a reason. Lots of women have given you great advice. The real reason he doesn’t want to go through CMS is probably because his actual salary is much higher. Put that claim in now and enjoy the peace. Otherwise you’re probably someone from mumsnet Hq posting to keep engagement up.

Floppyelf · 08/10/2024 04:27

BusyWren · 08/10/2024 04:06

To be clear, I don't need the cash from the house. I could do with a few pounds extra a month as am definitely spending a lot more on food etc!

I have so far ignored the £10 a week suggestion as life has been rather full on and I've been concentrating on DC but with my job likely to end shortly and still no job offer I know there's an argument to just get CMS to sort it out. But £600 is far more than I am out of pocket.

Doesn’t matter any extra money you put in a savings account for your dd. He’s legally bound to pay it. Are you that thick that you care about being seen as a goldigger than safeguarding your daughters rightful CMS claim?