Is this good advice regarding bullying ?

[Maria1979]

My niece (11) told me she had some mean girls making comments about her weight in school. She told a teacher, the girls were told off. The thing is they now call her cry baby (because she cried to the teacher and was seen) and make buhuuing sounds when she passes. She tried to get help but was told to ignore them. She doesn't want to tell her mum so has asked me for help. I told her she should try to ignore them and they will get tired of it. Just to look at them as they were idiots (they are) and walk past them head held high. Problem is she says she starts crying when they tease her for this very thing. She's a very sweet girl who is kind to everyone and she doesn't know how to deal with mean girls. Since school has told her it's no biggie (making comments on weight/race/handicap is taken seriously but being called a cry baby is tolerated apparantly) she has to find the strength to deal with it. Her friends are shy as well so no help. I wanted her to tell them that it's their ugly insides that make her cry for them but I guess that could get her in trouble. She is not overweight (not that it should justify teasing) just starting to get female shapes and I think that they chose to pick on her for her innocence and kindness. I want to tell my sister but she made me promise not to. But if I can't help her I feel I have to. Does anyone have any experience of this? How can I help her get thicker skin and what should she say if anything when they start teasing her?

Punch one of them.in the face that will stop.it.
They see her as weak.

Unfortunately the best solution is usually to give one of them a shock and fight fire with fire. Tell them to eff off, give one a good kick under the table and then protest innocence. ‘Sorry- didn’t realise your foot was that close.’ With a little smug smile so that they know it wasn’t an accident but can’t get her in trouble. It’s not what anyone wants to hear or advise (and very hard to act on when you’ve got a gentle personality) but it’s the best way to nip bullying in the bud.

Think of school like a prison and make sure you’re not the underdog. I went to a massive, rough comprehensive school in the days before school did a thing about bullying so it was survival of the fittest and letting the other kids know you weren’t a pushover.

I appreciate you’ll get a range of advice and some may offer a better/ less combative solution but that’s my honest advice.

Oh good. It’s not just me then. I thought my advice would be too real for mumsnet 😆

How about signing her to learn something like karate? It’s great for general confidence and it never needs to be used in a school bullying situation but (trust me) once your dan/black belt is know, you don’t get picked on.

This too, but she needs to make sure she doesn’t get caught so do it outside of school!

If she can't get loud/physical then when they make crying noises, she looks then full in the face and says "aw don't cry, your life/lives aren't that bad".

The advice to punch/kick them is really stupid.

Apart from the fact she could get beaten up, if she does happen to be seen, she'll be seen as the problem by the staff and not the other girls.

Also not every child is violent or can handle violence.

OP, can you work on persuading her to speak to her mum, or does she have a favourite teacher?

It’s clearly facetious!

I think ignoring them is the best way and keep complaining to the school . Not acceptable .

Log on to the Childline website and look at what they say about bullying. Work with your niece to improve her self esteem so this sort of stuff doesn’t bother her. In the meantime ask her to keep a diary and to complain to the teacher: again and again if she has to. Belittling and name calling is still bullying. It shouldn’t be tolerated. But ignoring it isn’t working so she needs more support.

Honestly I think once you are the underdog it’s hard to come back from . You can only really try to make other friends, ignore them and keep complaining to the school .

she has to find the strength to deal with it

Youve put the answer to your question in your original post. I have sympathy for her, kids are mean. But resilience cannot be taught, jt only come from experiencing things that are shit and coming out the other side of it. She should deal with it however she sees fit, but the point is she should deal with it.

My daughter was a bit of a watermelon so I understand what it is like. You need to teach her some comebacks. 'I can stop crying anytime or even lose weight anytime but what a pity you can't change your nasty character.' etc

Ask them if they are still pissing their beds?

Making friends and being part of a group will definitely help- makes you less visible to anyone looking for a victim and sometimes a group will have one gobby one who shields the others. Hopefully she’s able to get on with making her own connections without letting the class cows derail her.

Email daily paper trail to the school about each incident. Then after a set amount of time ask for a meeting and written follow up to those meetings etc etc. But that will need to be the Mum, not you.

Books by American Girl

• Friendship Troubles
• Stand Up for Yourself & Your Friends: Dealing with Bullies & Bossiness and Finding a Better Way

Yes to avoiding them and focusing on other friends.

I am on the bandwagon of hitting, I do think it has its place for a sharp shock amongst kids but everyone has different opinions on that matter.

Bolster extra curricular clubs to build confidence amongst girls away from school. Maybe a social club like guides, a self-defence sport like martial arts, a team sport like netball or girls football, an instrument or just a simple youth club if there is one available.

I'd explain that these types of girls are normally miserable inside, can have no control/autonomy at home as parents severely strict, cold parents/not loving and they typically target others who they are jealous of or as others have said regard as weak. They get to have some control over perceived weak kids thinking there will be no repercussions.

I'd encourage her to tell her Mum, find out why she doesn't want to tell Mum, offer to tell Mum together if that helps.

If she didn't tell Mum herself, I would tell her myself as I think the Mum should know if she is a good and level-headed parent.

Punching them is going a bit far but defending herself verbally by attacking one of them (with words!) is the way to stop it. Next time they do it and start making the boohoo noises, she needs to address one of them by name, preferably a hanger-on not the ringleader, and say something like, “Oh dear, Lizzie! Have you hurt your thumb? Do you want me to get your mums-wumsy?”

Seriously, being mean back is the only way to stop them. I don’t agree with the ‘just ignore them’ advice - because it rarely works. Teach her some comebacks and physically practise them with her.

Also read the school's anti bullying policy which should be on the website. If what they do doesn't match what they say they do, escalate it (head of year/head teacher/governors).

It's awful advice. Why should she put up with these nasty little shits making her life miserable. She is at a vulnerable age when comments about weight can led to complex problems. These girls need putting in their place once and for all. Situations like these can lead to eating disorders, anxiety, school refusal and a whole load of other crap that teachers have little resources to deal with. The problem needs dealing with now before it escalates.

Find their weakness.
I told my cousin the shameful bullies secret that her father had run off with the other woman and hadn't seen her in 6 months.

We rehearsed
"Selena, I may be bigger but I can lose weight. But nothing you do will make your Dad love you or your mum again. I can see why he ran out with the first chance to get away from you"

I wasn't there at the time but it worked. Little bitch apparently cried and missed school..
Bullies mum was apparently mad..

I always give my kids this advice. Unfortunately, they never take it.

The more she reacts to it, the more they will do it. Unfortunately, she has to harden up, and I know that sounds awful.

Maybe tell her to start small with rolling her eyes and showing them it isn't bothering her.

If it was my child/niece- I would wait for the opportunity for the leader to be alone and threaten her but I think that's frowned upon on mn and could possibly back fire 😂... I've never got the opportunity as they used to leg it, when they saw me.

They are still bullying her. Why is this not being properly addressed by the school?

Ideally your sister would find out (any way at all you can persuade your niece? Why doesn't she want her to know?) and then the school would deal with it.

However, if they won't, you/she unfortunately need to take it into your own hands.

I agree with @DavidBeckhamsrightfoot - she needs to find a weakness and call them out on it.

"Becky, I might cry when people try to bully me, but you'll always be stupid and end up working for me".
"Selena, I might be easily upset by people making fun of me but my dad loves me, unlike yours, who left".
"Gemma, I might get upset when girls like you try to make my time at school miserable, but at least I have true friends who like me, unlike this group of cronies who I overheard calling you a bossy b1tch behind your back yesterday".

These might sound overly harsh, especially to a kind, sweet girl, but she needs to show she's just as willing to fight back as they are to bully, otherwise they'll carry on.

If she can't do it herself, would you be willing to go in and have a word with them yourself, at home time?

For reasons I won't go into, I transferred to a large and quite rough comprehensive in second year (Scottish education system), having previously experienced a very small primary school followed by a first year at a rather eccentric independent boarding school.

The best thing I ever did was punch somebody in the face in my first week: they assumed I was a weird posho. I was not. Fuck about and find out, as they say.

My reputation as a 'bit of a mental hard case' was assured and I didn't have a minute's trouble again in the following four years.

However, this was the 90s, times were different and I'm not sure it's a route I'd officially advocate now...

Marvellous. I would definitely be less worried about getting in trouble with teachers (that can always be sorted out) than being bullied. I know which one would cause me less despair as a parent.