Is this good advice regarding bullying ?

[Maria1979]

My niece (11) told me she had some mean girls making comments about her weight in school. She told a teacher, the girls were told off. The thing is they now call her cry baby (because she cried to the teacher and was seen) and make buhuuing sounds when she passes. She tried to get help but was told to ignore them. She doesn't want to tell her mum so has asked me for help. I told her she should try to ignore them and they will get tired of it. Just to look at them as they were idiots (they are) and walk past them head held high. Problem is she says she starts crying when they tease her for this very thing. She's a very sweet girl who is kind to everyone and she doesn't know how to deal with mean girls. Since school has told her it's no biggie (making comments on weight/race/handicap is taken seriously but being called a cry baby is tolerated apparantly) she has to find the strength to deal with it. Her friends are shy as well so no help. I wanted her to tell them that it's their ugly insides that make her cry for them but I guess that could get her in trouble. She is not overweight (not that it should justify teasing) just starting to get female shapes and I think that they chose to pick on her for her innocence and kindness. I want to tell my sister but she made me promise not to. But if I can't help her I feel I have to. Does anyone have any experience of this? How can I help her get thicker skin and what should she say if anything when they start teasing her?

Should have I don't know. Some do other don't. I don't like the victim blaming narrative. If they didn't treat her like shit she wouldnt have to regulate her emotions.

This 🤣. Little twit deserves it.

they think she's being too sensitive tbh. Which she is

No, she’s not. Does her mother invalidate her feelings like this too?

You sound like a lovely caring aunty but this perception of children as being too sensitive or dramatic has very damaging long term effects.

No one else can judge someone else’s pain. Bullying especially at this age can feel excruciating.

She needs validation, I really hope she hasn’t picked up on your judgement.

https://parade.com/living/traits-of-people-considered-too-sensitive-as-kids-according-to-psychologists

The school really need to step up and she needs to feel heard.

My kids have found this helpful, and it opened up conversations at home.

Keep trying with school though.

I think I will have to talk to her mum. She's a teacher so she can talk to other teachers. I think DN wants to protect her mum from being upset that's how sweet and caring she is. I make her out to be like a saint but I've never met a child as pure, innocent and caring as she is. That's what makes it so unfair. But DS needs to know because DN will not work this out on her own. Thanks for your comments and advice!

I am not judging her! I think the world of her ! I actually think she is too good (sensitive) for this world.

OP, I was bullied a lot as child.

My self esteem and mental health is incredibly low. I wish there was a way to sue the parents of childhood bullies.

There isn't, so I will.teach my daughter to physically beat up those who have the nerve to do it to her.

I used to have 2 boys who would take the piss out of me at school for a few weeks. Randomly, for absolutely no reason. It was very embarrassing and always infront of the whole class. One of the boys was walking on his own one day and so I approached him and asked him what was so f**king funny? He was in fact a coward and couldn’t even look me in the eye. Perhaps she needs to confront just one of the girls and call her out.

Alternatively, does she know any girls in the older years? Friends sisters etc.? This was always done at my school, they’d just wait for them after school in a big group, no violence is needed, but the bullies got the message.

I also agree with pp’s, definitely sign her up for karate or similar - this is a must! When she realises her physical strength she’ll be more confident. Don’t just ignore, this is an opportunity to be proactive, she’s young and this is the time to learn how to handle and deal with dickheads. The impact of bullying is horrendous, I’ve worked with many individuals recovering from it.

Thing about this is they are not important to her
My bullies boo boo hooed when someone older than us came to get them at school
I actually faced them down (may have punched one in the breadbasket) and told them to go to headmistress, which they did
They said, oh we may not have mentioned you
Did I care No...

Op no, the school need to deal with this.
Speaking individually to the girls and calling parents..

Op read ofsted bullying policy /information and look at banter.

Then speak to the school.

Unfortunately how places deal with this depends on the person's will to deal with it and their understanding of what bullying is.. Stamp it out.

No one should even be thinking of judging this child.

Bullying is common but school know this and they have bullying policies it's the school who needs to be judged.

@Shampine that was a great video! I was looking for a kids book about bullying today but I don't think I need one anymore!

That is vile ^

I'm all for standing up for yourself physically and having some smart comebacks but stooping so low as to sharing adult secrets with children is disgraceful

Then you can join the brat who cried a river.

Let's stop giving a fuck about these brats and the power over life and death they wield.

100%. Many adults can't regulate their emotions, So why on earth do we expect an 11 year old full of hormones and a developing brain to be able to regulate their emotions!

However, she may benefit from developing some coping strategies, an inside voice which reassures her how brilliant she is. Unfortunately unless she fights back their behaviour won't change, all you can do us support her to maintain her sense of self worth through this.

Does she do an extra curricular, like guides, or Brownies, where she can have fun away from these horrible bullies. If not, I would suggest looking into this. They can also provide her with an alternative safe adult to speak with. I have several girls at my Brownies who talk to me about bullying, they don't want to tell their parent for fear of upsetting them, they have told school and nothing has changed so they think why bother. Sounds like you are also a safe adult for her OP, so please keep being there for her x

So was the little shit that cut my DD’s hair. Frankly, I wouldn’t have cared what my DD said or did to protect herself. There’s some real nasty bullies and children WILL meet them at school, some little shits need a taste of their own medicine.

The problem with the more extreme reactions like beating the bully up or telling shameful secrets is that whilst it gives them a taste of their own medicine, it reduces the victim to the same level as their bully, and the consequences of their actions could end up having far-reaching consequences that get them in real trouble (more so than the original bully). I'm not saying pity the bully, but the video shared by @Shampine demonstrates what I think is a better way of dealing with it.

I agree with you!
I know it is shocking - it’s a scare tactic but it kind of needs to be for tween bullies. They don’t have the emotional capacity at that age to talk through their differences like we would expect of adults. Kids need to learn that if they treat people like shit, there will be consequences to it. And it needs to be shocking to them to get them to stop.

its absolutely shameful that as an adult you are still proud of this.

The thing with the advice to ' just beat them up' is that this only works if your child is big enough to be able to hold their own in a fight. If they are markedly smaller and weaker than the bully/bullies they will just get the absolutely shit kicked out of them after they have thrown the first punch.

Just watched this! I did this! At uni on my course one of the other women started to make mean comments putting me down so I started replying with things like, ' Oh is that what you think of me? That's a shame, because I see you as beautiful, like a beautiful princess in a flower garden.' She absolutely hated it! She'd go ' urgh! Urgh! Stop it!' And she quickly ceased putting me down.

He does say though that his technique is for verbal bullying, not physical.

I don't know if this has been advised but can you prepare her to say something simple but slightly unexpected, like "Oh do fuck off, you are getting boring now"

Help her practice it. The shock of her swearing at them might make them back off and not see her as such an easy mark.

The mature response is to really ignore them and get on your (the person being bullied) life

They usually are attention seeking and probably have issues in their own life

Genuinely not letting them get to you is the best action you can take, they will get bored and move on

Again 'you' meaning the person being bullied

Wait until you find out I work in a school 🤣