Made to feel unimportant on my birthday

[Patheticbirthday]

I'm prepared to be told I'm being too sensitive but 2 weeks ago it was my birthday and after having a rough year was looking forward to being a teeny bit spoilt. I wasn't looking for anything much just a nice breakfast, a little token gift (or the item I bought cheaply on vinted wrapped and given to me) and a day where I wasn't responsible for cooking, planning, cleaning and life admin.

It started positively with my husband bringing me a cup of coffee and a card including one from our youngest adult child who is away at uni. Our eldest daughter who is in her mid 20s and still at home didn't wake until mid morning and brought me a home made card using printer paper that wouldn't even stand-up -think badly executed primary school project rather than craft fayre. Fair enough- I was gracious and said thank you, it's lovely.

Husband asked what I wanted for breakfast but followed it up with we were out of bread but he'd go out if I wanted him to get something. This irritated me somewhat given we live a 15 minute drive each way from the nearest convenience store and clearly showed no planning/ thought. I said I was fine with coffee as preferred to be together and assumed I would have a gift or two to open especially as my daughter had been seeing friends in London for the week before so had easy access to excellent shops. They made themselves cereal and could barely make any conversation before they left me alone in the lounge.

By midday I was was feeling so hurt that clearly nothing special had been arranged (although I later saw that they had made some cookies earlier in the week when I had been out and whilst a nice gesture showed absolute disregard for my very recent diabetes diagnosis and me desperately trying to adjust my diet). I ended up sorting washing as they had over filled the laundry basket without even vaguely considering taking it to the washing machine! I then sorted some life admin tasks- finances and insurance etc. By 2 o'clock I had been sat on my own for 2 hours with nothing to eat all day so made myself some cheese and crackers and had a little cry at how pathetic my birthday had turned out. I'm not proud of what I did next but I went to my daughters bedroom where they were laughing playing computer games and could not resist using some choice words saying I'd remember their actions on their birthday and not arrange the usual days of celebrations often involving expensive shopping trips, breakfast out, family parties, trips to nice places and surprise gifts.

I then went to my bedroom, cried, watched TV, treated myself to some bits on vinted, and felt totally dejected pretending to my friends and family who were messaging me happy birthday that I was having a lovely birthday. I didn't have a single gift to open (parents gave me some money and friends have arranged a trip to the theatre/meal out). I assumed my husband and daughter would soon appear at the door to say sorry we messed up, we love you, give us an hour to gather a few things and let's restart your birthday but no absolutely nothing. The day before I had done a shop and my husband made dinner using the things I'd purchased asking if I wanted any. However it was a roast dinner which is something I rarely have and not in keeping with my very determined healthy eating plan where I like potatoes baked and veggies steamed not dripping in fat. Given it was near 7pm I was getting more upset (& sadly sulky) and declined. I know it's not nice to sulk but all I needed was an apology and some recognition that they had made me feel totally unimportant and lonely on my birthday after a really tough year. Since then they have barely spoken to me. I thought I was important to my family but now it feels like my importance is only as the cleaner, cook and organiser. It seems such a trival thing to ignite a lot of big feelings including questioning what I previously thought was a happy marriage.

Exactly! Me and my kids always get each other caterpillar cakes for our birthdays - it's just a fun little cheap thing. The one whose birthday it is gets the face (the best bit!). It's really not hard to do small, inexpensive things to acknowledge someone's birthday and not doing anything just looks like the OP is totally taken for granted, and that's a bit sad really.

I'm really sorry. You're not a drama llama AT ALL! A small present, even some flowers picked from the garden and a bar of chocolate from the garage would have been more thoughtful. I think indifference is the hardest thing to stomach, and they were indifferent to you.

Well done to your youngest though for having the foresight to send a card from uni - that is actually quite unusual for a young person to send actual snail mail (stamps and everything!) so I think that shows that your hard work in creating special birthdays for them has rubbed off in some small way.

I'd have been bloody livid. This is typical taking mums for granted behaviour and having no respect for you. They would be doing their own laundry, cooking and cleaning from now on and I'd be living my best life.
My ex H used to go into a massive sulk on every one of my birthdays and would sit there on the meal out that I had organised not saying a single word just looking miserable.
Make this year your year and do whatever the hell you want.

I’m sorry you had a bad day but you did lose me pretty much straight away- you sound like you like things just so, but they’d preempted that and so hadn’t chosen about the shop. Op I used to hang a lot on birthdays etc- you need to start chilling out a bit, treating yourself so it’s not a big deal. Also loads of hints in advance!!! To be really honest you need to have a talk with them, apologise for being so ott but tell them you were disappointed

That's DH's family, funnily enough he hasn't wanted to repeat it with his own family and he says they are joyless. Even though we are on the bones of our arses, we like to at least give a bit of time to make someone we love feel special on one day of the year.

It's no use OP: you're going to have to communicate far more transparently about what it is you want. It's pointless having a clear set of expectations that you don't tell others about, then becoming all upset when these are not met.

You're not being unreasonable about the gifts: that is really disappointing and shows a want of care.

I suspect this is a bigger issue than your actual birthday since the chores and household admin tasks seem to fall to you by default. You could choose to view your unhappy birthday as having presented an opportunity here, so give yourself the greatest belated birthday gift ever: take it. Delegate those tasks. Decide the changes that are necessary in your family set up, articulate these, and insist that they are carried out. And if they're not, they get strictly left. Drop the rope.

If you're being taken for granted this won't get better on its own. But you need to be the one to have the courage to demand better.

I'm sorry you've had a rough year capped by a damp squib of a birthday and hope things start to look up for you soon. 🌹

You sound like my least fun aunt, who is a millionaire but makes a point of never giving anyone birthday or Christmas presents.

People are being way too hard on you - you SHOULD be made a fuss of on your birthday, it’s your day and you’re important and should be celebrated! And you shouldn’t have to spell it
all out 6/4/2 weeks in advance as that’s ANOTHER BLOODY JOB FOR YOU. I bet they don’t have to give lists/maps etc for you to make their days special. I’m a grown up too and the only difference between us is that I would have flounced out for the day and done whatever I wanted and loved it. Happy belated birthday to you - I hope you get an apology too!

I think we’d all like others to be thoughtful and do nice things but if you’re the one who does all this for everyone else, they’re not used to it. I think you need to tell people what you’d like in advance, prime them and remind them.
but yes you’re family were crap here

Happy birthday 🎂

May I suggest that you need to take control !

In our family, we decide what we want to do on our birthday.
Sometimes we book a meal, holiday or tickets for a day out in advance, ready for the day.

If you wanted breakfast or a meal out, then you should have gone out !

Xxxx if I am going to be doing laundry & life admin on my birthday !!!

I feel your pain OP!

I had a shit 50th birthday. Despite previously mentioning to DH very clearly that I’d like a meal out, nothing was planned and I was still expected to cook breakfast, lunch & dinner for the 3 of us as usual. Presents inc. bars of chocolate and absolutely nothing special.

I’d bought him an expensive ££££ electric guitar for his 50th a few years earlier…!

Sadly even my old friends overseas didn’t make an effort as they thought I was ‘only 49’. I only know this because they sent big bouquets of flowers etc. and cards with 50th on the following year. Must say, I thought that was quite amusing.

However, I did make a fuss at the time (might have stropped a bit too) and I haven’t let him forget…!

It’s my 60th next year and he’s planning a lovely holiday with a naice hotel etc. No expense spared. DH doesn’t like holidays much either so our last proper one not involving visiting friends or family was over 10 yrs ago.

When he asked if I’d like to go away for my 60th, I decided not to risk disappointment and I’ve had some input into the arrangements. 😁

We don't do loads for eachothers birthdays now the kids are adults - unless it's a big one - but someone always makes or buys a cake for and sets up a mini buffet type afternoon late lunch. On a big birthday we might go out for a meal depending on budgets. We don't usually do gifts either unless a token one like chocolates or a bottle of wine.

I think it's normal to hope for more and expect more from your family and close friends though, especially when you do the lions share of organising for others.

Are you 8?

I think you have every right to be upset OP.
It is not about feeling a child with no teddy.
It is about the effort you put into your family 24/7.
As you have a very different diet now it would have been a nice surprise for your family to have a few appropriate treats - I am sorry but an offer to go the nearest shop to get a loaf isn’t exactly thoughtful.
My dad was absolutely hopeless with presents and my mum knew that. They both grew up with nothing. But he made sure I had a few funds in advance to make sure she had some nice gifts. Which I obviously sourced 😂
I think they have taken you for granted, apart from your DD at Uni - some flowers and a nice breakfast don’t cost much.
You shouldn’t have to voice your own ‘needs’ on your own birthday. It’s not bloody rocket science!

What a very appropriate screen handle you have. Care for a saucer of milk?

No, but you are the one still practising playground behaviour.

You are sounding a bit 'Philip Schofield' ie determined to be hurt, feeling a victim and offering more and more evidence of how hard life has been to justify your hurt.

I agree- your DH and DD were shit and thoughtless. The answer is either leave them and find a better partner, or don't do anything for their birthdays and make sure on yours you treat yourself to a lovely day away from them doing something you enjoy (and it's not too late to do that belatedly for this year), or arrange your birthday treats in advance and make sure DH pays. Don't sulk and huff-it is horrible.

You should have said ''It's my birthday next week, what are we doing for it?''

IF it's a ''Big'' birthday, I understand being upset.. However, your parents gave you money!

Maybe you are hard to buy for? Many adults are.

The food thing {fussing over how it was cooked} does sound a bit fussy, though- {break the diet for one day} and wanting to be ''spoiled''..If someone does something nice, unasked, it's such a lovely surprise.

Someone opened a really heavy door for me {completely unasked} when I was approaching a service station door with my hands full - It was a small but considerate thing by a stranger.

Next year, make sure you plan something for it.

The key thing is reprocosity and matching energy going forward.

So many women live with feelings of huge discontent by giving too much of themselves within a thankless dynamic.

It is never too late to put yourself first and cease being a martyr.

The easiest way to get the point across is match their energy and if queried simply telling them this.

For my friends 40th her lazy husband did little, not the first time he had done this.

She didn't get upset, she booked a lovely two night away in a 5* hotel with her friend and left him without a meal in the house and enjoyed herself.
She refused to waste her energy getting annoyed or upset.

She matched this on his birthday, and Christmas of that year, not reminding her children as she normally did that it was Dad's birthday.
He remembered next year but she pulled back enormously from her general efforts with gifts for him.
She said it was a wake up call that she needed.
She now makes a fuss of herself, taking back control.

In my lovely circle of very close friends we make a far greater fuss of each other on our birthdays than our husbands and familys do of us.
Flowers, alcohol, cake, thoughtful gift.
We all love it. Often taking each other out for breakfast etc.
It's really nice. We care deeply for each other and like to show it.
Life is short and every birthday is a privilege to be celebrated.

Definitely agree about not sulking - That is very hard to live with.

Sulkers probably learned it as a child, and it must have worked to have carried the behaviours on into adulthood.

Far better to say how upset you are than to retreat into a martyred silence.

Book yourself a week away let them fend for themselves and they might actually realise everything you do for them xx

@Tae1

''So many women live with feelings of huge discontent by giving too much of themselves within a thankless dynamic.''

That's so true.

So sorry your Husband and daughter are such selfish people. Next year plan your own day, spoil yourself. Do not plan anything for their birthday's they won't know how hurtful it is to be handed a bit of printer paper until you let them experience i
I can't help but feel that yes you are just the housekeeper. Only you can demand more and do less. Your Daughter is an adult as is your Husband. Draw up a rota for cooking cleaning and gardening. Laundry should be left up to each individual, buy 3 different coloured baskets, one for each of you, that way if they put a load on and forget to empty the machine you can just dump their wet washing into their basket or empty the dryer or airer into their basket.
You have made this situation by running after them, it is time to say No more. Don't give in, they have walked all over you for years and you need to put a stop to their ill mannered arrogant selfish ways.

I find the people who make the biggest fuss of themselves are the ones who get the most attention on their birthday. If it seems like you don’t care then others won’t either unfortunately. It seems men and teenagers need to be told what you want from the day so they have expectations to live up to (and if you want a surprise you need to tell them that, which spoils the surprise a bit but then they know what you want)

I find I enjoy birthdays and Christmas more when I buy myself a couple of gifts and spoil/pamper myself. I made myself a Christmas stocking last year by buying a few bits well in advance and wrapping them in tissue paper without looking at them. It was a lovely surprise to get some fun pamper presents I’d completely forgotten buying!

Sorry, but I think your playing victim and a wee bit pathetic.

Moping and moaning around the house feeling tearful is just an own goal - perhaps you should have said 'f... it! I'm off to buy myself something nice and treat myself to a coffee and cake/wine in town'.

But basically, if you put so much store on your birthday, it should have been discussed with the family in advance. Maybe you and husband could have planned a meal out etc. Men are not mind readers, neither are kids.