Made to feel unimportant on my birthday

[Patheticbirthday]

I'm prepared to be told I'm being too sensitive but 2 weeks ago it was my birthday and after having a rough year was looking forward to being a teeny bit spoilt. I wasn't looking for anything much just a nice breakfast, a little token gift (or the item I bought cheaply on vinted wrapped and given to me) and a day where I wasn't responsible for cooking, planning, cleaning and life admin.

It started positively with my husband bringing me a cup of coffee and a card including one from our youngest adult child who is away at uni. Our eldest daughter who is in her mid 20s and still at home didn't wake until mid morning and brought me a home made card using printer paper that wouldn't even stand-up -think badly executed primary school project rather than craft fayre. Fair enough- I was gracious and said thank you, it's lovely.

Husband asked what I wanted for breakfast but followed it up with we were out of bread but he'd go out if I wanted him to get something. This irritated me somewhat given we live a 15 minute drive each way from the nearest convenience store and clearly showed no planning/ thought. I said I was fine with coffee as preferred to be together and assumed I would have a gift or two to open especially as my daughter had been seeing friends in London for the week before so had easy access to excellent shops. They made themselves cereal and could barely make any conversation before they left me alone in the lounge.

By midday I was was feeling so hurt that clearly nothing special had been arranged (although I later saw that they had made some cookies earlier in the week when I had been out and whilst a nice gesture showed absolute disregard for my very recent diabetes diagnosis and me desperately trying to adjust my diet). I ended up sorting washing as they had over filled the laundry basket without even vaguely considering taking it to the washing machine! I then sorted some life admin tasks- finances and insurance etc. By 2 o'clock I had been sat on my own for 2 hours with nothing to eat all day so made myself some cheese and crackers and had a little cry at how pathetic my birthday had turned out. I'm not proud of what I did next but I went to my daughters bedroom where they were laughing playing computer games and could not resist using some choice words saying I'd remember their actions on their birthday and not arrange the usual days of celebrations often involving expensive shopping trips, breakfast out, family parties, trips to nice places and surprise gifts.

I then went to my bedroom, cried, watched TV, treated myself to some bits on vinted, and felt totally dejected pretending to my friends and family who were messaging me happy birthday that I was having a lovely birthday. I didn't have a single gift to open (parents gave me some money and friends have arranged a trip to the theatre/meal out). I assumed my husband and daughter would soon appear at the door to say sorry we messed up, we love you, give us an hour to gather a few things and let's restart your birthday but no absolutely nothing. The day before I had done a shop and my husband made dinner using the things I'd purchased asking if I wanted any. However it was a roast dinner which is something I rarely have and not in keeping with my very determined healthy eating plan where I like potatoes baked and veggies steamed not dripping in fat. Given it was near 7pm I was getting more upset (& sadly sulky) and declined. I know it's not nice to sulk but all I needed was an apology and some recognition that they had made me feel totally unimportant and lonely on my birthday after a really tough year. Since then they have barely spoken to me. I thought I was important to my family but now it feels like my importance is only as the cleaner, cook and organiser. It seems such a trival thing to ignite a lot of big feelings including questioning what I previously thought was a happy marriage.

^^This

To be fair, it doesn't matter whether it was @Patheticbirthday 's birthday or not, she's clearly being thoroughly taken for granted.

Has there been any acknowledgement or discussion since?

If not, there should be.

That was a really shit day.

Reading these posts, I wonder if some people are so utterly miserable in their lives that they feel the need to be rude to posters who clearly are upset and looking for advice/support.

I mean, offer your opinion, but why call the OPs names? or insult their character? And, ironically, accuse her of acting like a child (when they themselves are acting like children by being so utterly mean in their replies).

He made a roast because that's what he wanted.

The OP didn't feature in the thought at all

I'm sorry you had a rubbish birthday. What has it been like previously?
This is so common but you have to be very explicit when you have a family that takes you for granted.
Have a chat with your family and let them know that you felt sad and unloved on your birthday.
Next year, remind your dh that you'd like a gift for your birthday. Give him some ideas.
My dc know I'm easy to buy for and will buy me the latest thriller in the supermarket, a candle, some nice toiletries. I used to put a reminder in their phones as a "joke but not really" on my birthday date like "mum's birthday. Reminder to spoil her with hugs and tea"
They learned that it mattered to me.

Absolutely, sometimes I feel like I'm on another planet from posters on MN. The OP's follow up post makes her family seem even worse. Why have women such a low bar on here.
I have nice birthdays, we are skint so no extravagant things. But we go on my favourite walk, I don't have to cook and DH cooks food that I want. It's a nice day together.

I'm sorry you had such a crap birthday OP and know exactly how you feel - the pinnacle of (STBX)H's gift crapness being the Christmas before last, when there was nothing under the tree for me - despite him having been to the supermarket to get himself some beer on Christmas Eve and knowing that I would have been happy with a bottle of fizz, which would have required zero planning or thought. I had a little cry by myself that day.

It's not even the lack of gift, it's the lack of thought. It's the feeling of meaning so little to everyone else that they can't even be bothered. It's the repeated 'Oh I'm sorry, I didn't have time to go and get you anything' despite being sat at a computer and being capable of ordering things for himself.

Two weeks of silent treatment from them for being pulled up on their crapness is excessive, though and I hope things are getting better for you.

OP, I am really sorry your birthday was so poor.
Yes your family completely take you for granted and have all behaved very poorly.
Unfortunately I firmly believe that we teach people how to treat us and you have by having a really low bar allowed this to get to this point.
Your daughters have behaved very poorly, a paper made card? From an adult?
Please🙄.
Really poor and thoughtless.
I think information is power and you need to rethink all that you do.

Dial back for Christmas completely.
Hand it over to your husband.
As for doing their laundry on your birthday?
Ridiculous and behaving like a complete martyr.
Value yourself.

You have taken on a lot of extra responsibility now that your brother has left you to it all🙄.
Can your parents pay for extra help?
Your husband and family need a dose of the new reality of your health and responsibilities.
Drop the rope.
Tell them to sort laundry, lifts, food out.
Start catering to your needs.
Believe me it feels good.
I have dropped the rope in my home in recent months and no one has died.
I simply am no longer doing more than feels comfortable.
I took several holidays with friends and didn't do a shop before I left nor left meals.
They are all big enough to sort themselves out and they did.
I feel a lot more content in myself since I no longer believe it is all on me.

As for Christmas I do the bare minimum.
I did it all when they were children but they are adults now and wasting money and time trying to figure out endless thoughtful gifts no longer interests me.

Nknone has died from me dropping the rope and everyone now knows where they stand....mum is busy doing her own thing so they better catch a bus😁.

I do think the bar is very low for men on Mumsnet. People accept that not having your birthday celebrated is normal and that in fact the OP is a drama llama makes me wonder how awful some people’s lives are that this is their take on it. Or that she should be unutterably grateful he booked a roast when she can’t even eat roast dinner.

Mine would have planned in advance, but then he ‘does’ birthdays. We’ve between us created our own template of how birthdays are celebrated so we know what we have to do and we know what to expect. Evidently the OP and her husband haven’t done this. Which suggests that their communication sucks. Both of them.

But acting like a martyr is so annoying. The food complaints sound like someone who resents having to change her diet and cut down on carbs anyway. A roast meal would have been fine — she just needed to have more vegetables and fewer potatoes. But instead she chose to take it as evidence that they weren’t making an effort.

That's a shitty way to be treated by your family, OP, and I can see why you're upset and disappointed. I do think you could have made the day more enjoyable if you'd just taken yourself out for a nice breakfast and then just done things that you enjoy but never get time for/give yourself permission to do, like go to a gallery or the movies or have lunch with a mate. It wouldn't have made up for your family behaving so thoughtlessly, but at least you wouldn't have been hungry and sulking at home.

The things they did do nicely (offering to make breakfast, offering to go out and get what OP wanted for breakfast, making cookies ahead of time, making dinner) the OP sulked about so I wonder what this looked like from the other side.

I am so sick of people acting like people who find birthdays important and expect basic consideration from those they love are pathetic drama queens. The bar is in hell and I am tired.

So birthdays aren't a big deal for you. Wonderful. But if they are important to loved ones you step up and eye roll in private. We don't get to enforce our preferences on someone else.

OP, you wanted some company and some thought. That is such a small thing to ask for, especially when you see them make an effort for other people. They made some cookies and offered to get you something for breakfast because you were out of bread. Oh and then offered a roast after leaving you alone all day. People are telling you that you refused so it is your fault but they know you are changing your diet for health reasons so to me it shows another lack of consideration.

At this point I would be setting very clear expectations for next year and also telling them how hurt and unvalued you feel. If they don't react appropriately then I would be thinking about how they treat you the rest of the time. Your daughter obviously is one thing, but you don't have to stay married to someone who makes you feel less than you are. You deserve to feel special and thought of and have one day off from sorting everything for others and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Honestly, I must be from another planet compared to some on here. Stop accepting such poor treatment and telling others they should do likewise FFS.

I think this is less about your birthday OP and more about your lack of support in general. It sounds like you’ve had a very full on time supporting your dad, does your DH help with this at all?

I think if you hadn’t been so under pressure beforehand you probably wouldn’t be feeling this way about your birthday. You need to look at how you can be more supported, either by your DH or perhaps pay for carers (although I’m not sure what is wrong with your father) to take the pressure off on an ongoing basis.

As for your birthday, not to generalise, but men really are a bit pants! I would be very explicit about what you want next year, even if that is for him to organise a surprise.

FFS on so many aspects of OP's opening thread. Very thoughtless of the h and d but sulking, crying and being a martyr really?

I think we both know why the the OP was upset and acting accordingly. As the day unfolded, it became evident they had put no thought into her birthday whatsoever.

This sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other to be honest. They could've made more effort but OP sounds dramatic. Expecting croissants when you didn't want to cookies is definitely not something I'd be able to intuit, but I am autistic, so maybe I have a higher need for people to communicate their expectations.

Being honest, if anyone in our household expected this, I’d be doing my best to ensure a work trip co-ordinated with their birthdays. What a palaver. We used to do a present and cake when kids were primary school age (and party, which is where you got your cake, not on your actual birthday as that would be two cakes), but once they reached high school they were old enough to understand it’s just another day and noone’s indulging Hallmark making up yet another ‘occasion’. We just say happy birthday when we see the person on the day (everyone in/out at different times), and there are no private pity parties.

We all have tough times in life but instead of tying it to something like a birthday, why not voice ‘I’ve/We’ve had a shit time recently with blah blah, why don’t we all go out to dinner one night’ or similar. Saves the angst of others having to read your mind in regards to ‘wants’ and the invariable angst that results in.

I'm sorry. I'd have been hurt and disappointed too. I am still recovering from the fact my son made absolutely zero effort for Mother's Day - it's kind of a joke between us now but I was pretty upset at the time. Some people don't think birthdays are that important but I still think if you live with someone who does, then you should show them the basic respect of honouring their birthday. Your DH and DD just sound a bit lazy and rubbish tbh - and why are they still not talking to you?! Seems like a massive overreaction.

If sounds like you went sulking in your bedroom instead of saying what you would like. Tell them what suitable foods for your illness you would like then suggest going out somewhere like the cinema. They may be very unsure what nice things to get if you are recently diagnosed with diabetes.

They could just have asked her, ahead of her birthday. It happens every year, it's not as if they don't know when it is.

Their efforts weren't very impressive but you made things worse OP by expecting they would read your mind, acting like a martyr, not communicating your wishes, hiding away waiting for things to change, sulking etc..

You also sound hard to please, and childish.

Did you tell your husband what you'd intended the ingredients that you purchased to be used for before he cooked a roast dinner? Did the rest of the family enjoy the dinner? Do they all understand your dietary restrictions, or have you hoped they would just work it out? Are you consistent, (as hoping for a croissant doesn't sound consistent with not eating a home made biscuit)?

Who has decided that your way of planning birthdays for DC is the right way and what they want? Is it your idea of what to do, or theirs?

Maybe they have grown a bit tired of this dynamic and disengaged which is a shame, and not very generous spirited, but I think it maybe worth getting curious and challenging your perceptions of your own place in the situation.

I agree. I don't understand this notion of having to tell your nearest and dearest you'd like your birthday acknowledged. If the OP organises nice things for everyone else, then it's only common courtesy to reciprocate - at least on some level. C'mon, you'd have to be pretty thick not to join the dots.

I think it's time you sat down together and had a chat about expectations moving forward. Now that one DC is off to Uni it sounds like it's time for a fresh start in terms of household chores (and expectations around birthdays moving forward). They're giving you the silent treatment because they feel guilty at how much they've upset you and should apologise for their inaction. Maybe they're so used to you stepping up and doing it all that they just don't think? It's time for change - and consistency withthat change moving forward. Good luck!

I think your family treated you appallingly @Patheticbirthday**
FFS, how tricky is it to pick up a card from a shop, some croissants, cake and a little present? It's not like you were expecting a Cartier watch!
Also the fact that they were having a laugh playing video games while you were sat on your own and not even an offer of a takeaway, together with giving you the cold shoulder since - nah. I wouldn't be making any effort for their birthdays. See how they like it.
Happy belated birthday to you

You know to make arrangements with your friends. I would have left them to it and gone out.

I would match energy for their birthdays.