Made to feel unimportant on my birthday

[Patheticbirthday]

I'm prepared to be told I'm being too sensitive but 2 weeks ago it was my birthday and after having a rough year was looking forward to being a teeny bit spoilt. I wasn't looking for anything much just a nice breakfast, a little token gift (or the item I bought cheaply on vinted wrapped and given to me) and a day where I wasn't responsible for cooking, planning, cleaning and life admin.

It started positively with my husband bringing me a cup of coffee and a card including one from our youngest adult child who is away at uni. Our eldest daughter who is in her mid 20s and still at home didn't wake until mid morning and brought me a home made card using printer paper that wouldn't even stand-up -think badly executed primary school project rather than craft fayre. Fair enough- I was gracious and said thank you, it's lovely.

Husband asked what I wanted for breakfast but followed it up with we were out of bread but he'd go out if I wanted him to get something. This irritated me somewhat given we live a 15 minute drive each way from the nearest convenience store and clearly showed no planning/ thought. I said I was fine with coffee as preferred to be together and assumed I would have a gift or two to open especially as my daughter had been seeing friends in London for the week before so had easy access to excellent shops. They made themselves cereal and could barely make any conversation before they left me alone in the lounge.

By midday I was was feeling so hurt that clearly nothing special had been arranged (although I later saw that they had made some cookies earlier in the week when I had been out and whilst a nice gesture showed absolute disregard for my very recent diabetes diagnosis and me desperately trying to adjust my diet). I ended up sorting washing as they had over filled the laundry basket without even vaguely considering taking it to the washing machine! I then sorted some life admin tasks- finances and insurance etc. By 2 o'clock I had been sat on my own for 2 hours with nothing to eat all day so made myself some cheese and crackers and had a little cry at how pathetic my birthday had turned out. I'm not proud of what I did next but I went to my daughters bedroom where they were laughing playing computer games and could not resist using some choice words saying I'd remember their actions on their birthday and not arrange the usual days of celebrations often involving expensive shopping trips, breakfast out, family parties, trips to nice places and surprise gifts.

I then went to my bedroom, cried, watched TV, treated myself to some bits on vinted, and felt totally dejected pretending to my friends and family who were messaging me happy birthday that I was having a lovely birthday. I didn't have a single gift to open (parents gave me some money and friends have arranged a trip to the theatre/meal out). I assumed my husband and daughter would soon appear at the door to say sorry we messed up, we love you, give us an hour to gather a few things and let's restart your birthday but no absolutely nothing. The day before I had done a shop and my husband made dinner using the things I'd purchased asking if I wanted any. However it was a roast dinner which is something I rarely have and not in keeping with my very determined healthy eating plan where I like potatoes baked and veggies steamed not dripping in fat. Given it was near 7pm I was getting more upset (& sadly sulky) and declined. I know it's not nice to sulk but all I needed was an apology and some recognition that they had made me feel totally unimportant and lonely on my birthday after a really tough year. Since then they have barely spoken to me. I thought I was important to my family but now it feels like my importance is only as the cleaner, cook and organiser. It seems such a trival thing to ignite a lot of big feelings including questioning what I previously thought was a happy marriage.

I think you might be focusing on the wrong bit. 😂

All those posters saying the OP should have been more clear in her expectations of what she wanted/arranged her own meal/breakfast etc, doesn't that negate the whole point of someone doing something nice for you? It's meant to come from THEM surely?

OP, I've been in your situation one too many times unfortunately. Now I just buy myself something nice and don't expect anything at all.

Sorry you had a shit day. Happy belated birthday.

Why was there no discussion pre birthday .

Forget everything. I'm not going to read all the replies. Now you can execute exactly the same on their birthdays. Ask him if he wants 'you' to go to the shop. Give dd a flimsy card. Revenge best served cold!

DH's family didn't celebrate birthdays and he genuinely isn't interested in them. He quite often doesn't realise it's his birthday unless he gets a card that reminds him.

OTOH I love birthdays. My family made a fuss of them and I was very disappointed when DH failed to acknowledge mine. After 40 years of marriage I have learned that I have to be very clear about what I'd like to happen on the day.

Honestly, you sound like a drama llama.

You had an idea about how you wanted your birthday to be, didn't communicate it, and when it didn't magically appear you had a strop, not at your partner but at your dc.

Yes, of course your family should have got you a gift. You are reasonable to be upset about this. But they made you biscuits and a roast dinner, so there wasn't no effort, it just wasn't what you'd been imagining.

You can't really blame your family for you sulking off to do housework in an attempt to make them feel bad.

Sorry you had a rubbish day… but honestly, how old are you? You acted like a petulant child! Surely once you realised nothing was happening, you get yourself dressed and take yourself out? It’s not your kids responsibility to baby you just because it’s your birthday, and they did do the things you wanted… card, cookies, meals offered… just not the exact way you wanted, be greatful for what they tried to do, you sound bloody hard work and doubt it’s the first time!

To them, it sounds as if you were acting like a spoilt 5 years old. You didn't help your self. Your husband made a roast, and you cut your nose off to spite your face!

You’re not overreacting. If birthdays are a thing for the family then they should be a thing for every member of the family. It’s shit to have to remind your own family that it’s your birthday-it’s the same date every year! And why should you have to arrange your own when you do everything for everyone else. It’s not hard to get a card and a small token, cook a meal, go for a walk and get a coffee. Anyone who can’t see that is setting the bar so low for themselves. If you don’t consider yourself, and your own needs, why should others?

I totally understand your response. my birthday is coming up and I'm now inspired to check that DH and DD have booked tickets for the show I dropped hints about rather than wait for disappointment.

The fact that most big supermarkets these days stock cards, wrapping paper, wine, nice chocolates, toiletries etc makes it so easy to get something even last minute really easily, makes this thread a bit sad for me. All it requires is a tiny bit of effort.
Maybe stop doing so much, OP, and prioritise yourself more.

This is what went wrong with the OPs family I believe.

Why should there need to be a conversation in advance about what was being done on the day? Does the OP gather every one in the family including the upcoming birthday person and discuss what is happening for their birthday or does it just happen - because the OP does it all (the mental load, the organising, everything).

I'm getting the feeling that it didn't have to be a "surprise" - just have something organised between themselves and buy a bloody card (that bit is for the daughter who used printer paper to make a card) - you can get some in Card Factory for under £1. It shows a complete disregard for their mother, their wife, their parent, that they hadn't done anything or even suggested taking her out for a drink in their local pub.

Lastly - I hope that your comment about why 'you' meant that the OP's husband and children could have booked somewhere for lunch or dinner and not left it up to the OP to do the organising.

@Patheticbirthday - I hope they got the finger out after wards and I'd not be lifting a finger for any of them until they saw the error of their ways.

It’s not about setting a low bar, but about how the OP chose to respond. He offered to go and get some bread. She could have accepted.

Having said that, bread’s not great for diabetics. I think, foodwise, her family were between a rock and a hard place.

I tend to just go to work on my birthday and then get a takeaway or something on the evening. I'd usually plan a meal or drinks with friends and family for the weekend. I do the organisation though, I wouldn't expect surprises.
I think you should have said a few days in advance, let's have a nice breakfast and go to the cinema as a family later, could you sort the breakfast husband and I'll book the cinema.

First, many happy returns! I hope you have a much better year to come and it’s a new, healthier you who has a fantastic birthday next year. Weekend away with your friends?

I totally understand how you feel. You’re exhausted from decades of caring and organising for people, a year of health worries and you were hoping for some TLC and to feel appreciated. Not too much to expect at all. Could you also be menopausal? That can often make us feel this way even more.

If it helps, I have similar age DSs and they do v little for my birthdays. Always buy me a gift but not always a card and don’t send cards to even their grandma who they’re close to. They argue ‘no one sends cards these days: you message instead’. I’ve explained many times some people (especially those who live alone) appreciate a card. But they never bother. So, your DD sounds fairly typical. At least she made you a card. But I understand the double standards with her planning things for your DH and her BF. I’d have a chat with her and explain how you were feeling and apologise for your outburst. Let her know you need a little more support now she’s an adult too. She should try to understand.

As for your DH, that’s a different matter. I’d expect more of a partner who’s supposed to love and care about me. Did he not want to do something special with just the two of you? Has he not realised how you’ve been feeling, especially with your DD being away at uni? My ex’s (kids’ dad) family don’t make a fuss at birthdays and he was never bothered about doing anything on his. But he always bought me gifts and made food, as he knew I appreciated it. I think you need to talk to him about how the thought of some TLC on your birthday has kept you going and the lack of this made you feel really sad. See how he responds.

how disingenuous. Of course we rely on others to make us feel happy on special occasions. We are social creatures, most of us choose to live in family units. We are not hermits.

OP I haven't RTFT but I would have been devastated and I would have cried too. They should be ashamed! Definitely take yourself off on holiday next year since they clearly don't give a shit.

Why are people missing the point?
It's not about her failing to arrange things weeks in advance. It's not about croissant vs roast potato in terms of fat content.

It's about the fact that NO ONE felt her important enough to even celebrate her existance.

She could certainly arrange her own celebration, but that defeats the purpose. Her birthday is her family's opportunity to say thank you for all she does for them, so effectively she got a "meh" and they carried on as normal.
Of course she was hurt!

I'm so sorry OP. It was shitty behaviour. Now you need to tell them that it was and that it really hurt your feelings - they don't sound like they are intune with you enough to work this out for themselves.
Sadly, they can't make it up to you now, but they can show a little more interest going forward. You aren't a kitchen appliance.

my husband wouldn't have even asked, he would have gone out and got something.

This event is systematic of not being cared for and appreciated. Maybe a talk about how the day's events made you feel when your thoughts have settled.

Dp thinks birthdays after the age of 12 are 'Self-indulgent bollocks', however, he's attentive all yr round which makes his comments seem less harsh.

Your family is selfish. They're very happy with you putting in all the effort on their birthdays, but regard you simply as their human support unit and cheerleader. Mothers need to push back on this behaviour as it's atrocious. I'd be giving them a roasting over the next few days, one they'll never forget.

PS. Experienced much the same on a previous 'big' birthday. Let's just say my kids have never made that mistake again. Nor my husband.

Next year, make a plan and set your expectations

stop being their maid. Your daughter is old enough to do own washing now.

To expect some presents, some cards and someone making you breakfast and dinner/a trip out on your birthday is not too much to ask, some people's bar is painfully low.

The Op makes a huge effort for all of their birthdays, it's courteous that same level of care is reciprocated. Also, why wouldn't you want to make a fuss of someone you love?!

We aren't "big" on birthdays either. I make cakes, for everyone, whatever the grandkids are "into" at the moment. I put money in their accounts , sometimes I print a joke fake cheque and put in the card. I have 2 disabled DSs on benefits,one sends a jokey message to ever single family member, I actually forgot his birthday this year,he was 41, I remembered the previous week,then had health issues, the following day, I was mortified! I felt sick, I was crying.They don't expect presents, they wouldn't like that, because it makes them more aware of how little they can afford. I always ask if they need anything,last year bought him a new vacuum cleaner. Oldest DD bought me tickets to Bletchley park, complete surprise! For me and DH, I loved it. For my 60th she took me for afternoon tea at The Dorchester. She's not earning that kind of money anymore, Change of career. It took DH years to remember my birthday and wedding anniversary (he used to "secretly" ask our DD. I loath parties,events.. we'll probably have a little lunch at our usual carvery,or afternoon tea. We don't"need" anything, same goes for Christmas.

It's the thought that counts. The OP is clearly bothered by the lack of thought put into her birthday by her family.

E.g. I had a bit of a shit birthday myself this year, but it didn't bother me much because lots of thought had been put into it... the plans just didn't pan out as expected.