WWYD? I am making so many mistakes and can't think straight!

[cato40]

I'd really value some perspective from people that are not as emotionally involved as I feel like I am taking one wrong decision after the other and don't know what to do!
Background: neither me or exH are british born and have no family in the UK. We ived in the UK for all pir adult lives and just divorced after his years long affair with an ex girlfriend who lives in the US. We have 2 DD 11 and 7. He said he would leave the UK at some point and we agreed for me to move to my home country (Europe) with the girls so that my mum and brother can help me with the girls and I can build a new life here. Our old family home is on the market and with the money I could buy a place mortgage free here, he would pay maintainace and with my new job here me and the gilrs could have a good life here.
I have been back to my home city a month now and seriously struggling. The cost of living is high but salaries here are low, jobs are not flexible and transports unreliable. It means that I can't look after the girls as I used to when I was in the UK and I totally depend on my family for school runs and after school. I miss my independence and time with the girls. I cannot even afford a car here as they cost a fortune compared to the UK! I am way more tired (leaving the house at 7.00 am coming back at 7pm earning 50% of my last UK salary). Schools here have been a disappointment, I did not anticipate before moving, and the girls miss home and their friends too, which i expected but still makes me sad and guilty. Our quality of life is no better of what it was in the UK. I decided to move as I was scared at the idea of raising the kids alone in the UK since the dad was planning to move abroad too. He has always paid maintainace so far. The positive here is the support and connection with my family, although my elderly mum is exhausted as she has to manage the girls every day whilst I go to work. Paid childcare is too expensive.

Now: we have been away amonth and EXH is begging for us to go back to the UK promising he'll do more to be with them and help. I wonder if it is a narcissistic thing where he needs the kids to feed his ego? Us moving here was his idea and since his affair he has not been very involved with the kids. He paid anything the girls needed but his GF always first (going on hiliday with her and missing a year 6 assembly of our eldest daughter). He's happy to take the house off the market and for me to live there with the girls and support until I find a new job.
What would you do?
I am tempted to go back but feel I didn't give my country a proper chance for us to fully settle, and moving back to the UK would upset my family (although they are struggling too with us, not used to dealing with school runs, kids being kids etc.), they have supported me through the breakup and would not see well me moving back. I think the UK is better for the girls, schools and opportunities, we are in a super touristy region and in future they'll have to move away or work in hospitality.
Going back would also mean that the only support would be the unreliable ex H that now promises to stay in the UK to raise the girls.
Please help!

I don't think anyone can make that decision for you. Did writing the post help to organise your thoughts? The way I read it, you would like to move back to the UK irrespective of exH. You are worried about hurting your family but say they are exhausted anyway. It sounds like you are trying to justify your decision to move back. There is no shame in saying, I tried plan X, it didn't work out, so we have decided to go with Plan Y. Your decision to move or not move should not be dictated by your exH but should be your choice based on what is best for you and the girls. Hope this helps in a small way. Best of luck to you

Thank you, I have not made my mind yet. I feel that coming here was such a big mistake with huge implications on everyone: family kids and myself, that I am terrified at the idea of taking any more decisions as I've shown myself to have such poor judgement. I can't trust my ex and raising the kids in the UK alone would be tough, I thought it would be easier here with family around but the work and economic landscape is forcing me to leave the kids with the family due to travel and long hours. I have no idea I would get a flexible job again if I came back to the UK, or even as well paid as the last one.

Which country OP. I think that is important.

I don't think you have poor judgement. You are making difficult decisions in difficult circumstances.

Is there any chance that you could have your old job back?

Go back to the UK. Your mum is only going to get more fragile so you will feel worse and worse about her helping. Sounds like a much better idea to return to your family home and back to better salaries etc

I am in northern Italy. Prices are similar to the UK but not salaries. Here I can buy a house outright with what in the UK would only be a deposit for a 2 beds where I used to live. Financially the move made sense as I would not need to pay for our housing once the house in the UK is sold and I buy here.
The working week is longer as commuting time is, i am totally dependant on family and local mums/families for the school run and that is the big downside. I don't see much of them in the week, at a time of change when they need a parent. Part times here are like unicorns.

My old worklace won't take me and their main competitor is restructuring. If I go back I may struggle to find a new job and when I find one it may not be as good as my old one.
Ex wants the kids back and promises he'll do more and stay in the UK to help raise them. For how much I like to hear that, I don't trust him and wonder why he did not show this interest before? It was his idea for me and the kids to move here, and he told the kids he was moving to the US to be with his GF. He has messed them/us around with his continuous changes of plans and affair I don't want him to do more damage. He earns a good salary in the UK, if he leaves may not be able to pay maintainance (reason I moved).

Older DD doesn't not want to see or speak to him as she blames him for our move, she misses her friends, school and our old life. She says she'd rather be here than see him but she is only 11. Little one misses her DF, he is her hero. I resent the fact he is having a good bachelor life in the UK and I am seeing my mum struggling to help me, Kids struggling to settle in and me being out 12 h a day for work and have no time to rest or be on my own.
I regret not calling him up on his parenting responsibilities earlier on in our separation so that he wold have done more ( hopefully).

I think you need to stay where you are for now and see if it stabilises. I would also take out of the equation what ex wants, he has changed his mind already. Give yourself a year and see how it goes. You need to find your feet again, UK will be here still in a year if it doesn't work.

Go back to the uk. Plenty of single mothers manage fine without family help. Your children will get older and not need school runs and your family will
be older and less help.

Obviously you need to move back to the UK for the sake of your girls! Their quality of life seems to have dramatically decreased and so has yours, which will in turn negatively affect them.

They are being deprived of the chance to grow up in the home and place they know, they’re being forced to go to ‘disappointing’ schools and they’re even being deprived of a relationship with you, because you’re so busy and don’t have time for them!

Having time with your elderly mother and other relatives is simply not going to replace time with you, their dad, and their friends from home. It sounds a bit like you don’t want to move back to spite their dad, and I can understand you being angry with him, but it’s what’s best for the girls.

Honestly I don’t think that missing an assembly for a holiday is that bad to be honest - I don’t know many people who would plan a holiday around an assembly - so if that’s the only example you have of him putting something before his daughters then I think YABU to say he’s not prioritizing them.

I second giving it the full year. Also remember you were relying on receiving money to make things more comfortable for you and your DD's and this hasn't eventuated.

If X is keen and you are willing, he can visit you regularly. Its really not that far away... see how you feel, if you look forward to his visits or not.

But do give it proper time to settle down. Perhaps a discussion about why the house hasn't sold is needed too?

Reading your OP, it doesn't sound like you make poor decisions. You obviously give a lot of thought to various things before deciding.
One thing i must say is 1 month is too short to conclude it is not working. You have been and still are in a heightened state with the break-up of your marriage, telling your kids their father has someone else & is leaving them to be with her in another counry, leaving your job, packing up a home, putting up your home for sale, sayong bye yo your life in UK, moving to another country, looking for a job, sorting out schools, trying to organise childcare in a new place.... and that's not all. Of course, it is tiring.

Without all the country moving, dealing with the end of a marriage is tiring even more exhausting with the storm ExH created with an affair/wanting to move to be with her.

Don't make any decisions to move back now. Take time to breathe, rest and adjust.
Northern Italy may be the place for you or elsewhere in Italy or even maybe back to the UK but you won't know until you are back to some semblance of your normal self.

Other job opportunities... maybe moving to another town, your mum may get used to the caring responsibilities and be less tired. It's only been a month and a huge change for her too. You might make friends and get more support and maybe more opportunities, the kids will settle in and make new friends.

In summary, give it time. Give yourself time. Give the kids time. Breathe.
If going back home is not working after a year or two, you can start planning properly to return to the UK. And it will be clear to your family too.

You are doing good. You are doing the best you can. The circumstances you have had to deal with has been really rubbish. Give yourself grace.

A month is no time at all. Give it time. I don't think you have poor judgement. You have had a hard time and your ex sounds deeply unreliable. He may well move to the US despite what he tells you.

Your girls may well settle in time. Change is hard. You need to keep your nerve.

The post above mine is great and well put! Breathe.

Oh..and Ignore that ExH. He can't mess about the DC (and yours) lives depending on his current whim.

His plans probably fell through or his U.S darling wasn't so darling afterall or she is moving to UK. Whatever it is, his circumstances should no longer dictate your lives.

Working 7am to 7pm (!!!) at half the salary and having to rely on everything else including your elderly mother for assistance? I'd move back in a heartbeat.

After a month? I would rather rely on my mum than a cheating and inconsistent ex.
The girls will make friends. But then I moved around a lot as a child, and it was the making of me.

Thank you @Marchitectmummy . That is what my tstional mind tells me is the best option. It would be an opportunity for the kids to settle in school and I've spent so much on the move and school costs it would be silly to move again now. Our house sale in the UK fell through last week. The house will be empty for a few more months till we find a new buyer. Mortgage payments for the next year being relatively low. If I move back EXH said he'd let us live there (whereas before he was keen on cashing in his share of the house) till youngest is a bit older. Giving me time to find a job and not having to rent or take a massive mortgage for a small place as yet. If I stay here I'll have to buy (living with my mum at the moment) and due to local laws not be able to sell before 5 years. Renting here is not an option as a single parent,no idea about that in the UK.

If I didn't have children I'd be the happiest person here, regardless of my work situation.

I feel guilty about taking the kids here, schools aren't great and I can't move to an area with better schools as i depend on family so much now. Where they grew up was a much better environment, i feel as if both me and their dad put our needs and hopes before theirs (him with his affairs and idea of us moving here and me agreeing to it so that I didn't have to see him as much any more) and I can't help but feel sorry for the girls.

f I move back EXH said he'd let us live there (whereas before he was keen on cashing in his share of the house) till youngest is a bit older.

I wouldn't trust him at all. Also no need for you to feel guilty. You have done the best you can in horrible circumstances. He should feel guilty, the twat.

Give it a year or so.

It doesn't sound like the salary or COL will change where you are. Your mum is also struggling.

Being a single mum is tough anywhere but easier where there is a better more family friendly structure. I live in France and for me and my kids it worked really well. Have you thought about moving over the Northern Italian border? Or living one side and working in Switzerland for example as a "frontalier"? It would solve the salary issue.

To be honest it sounds like you and your DH made a lot of assumptions about what Italy would be like but the reality isn't panning out.

Normally I'd advocate for staying where you were to see if everyone settles but the ages of your kids make me think you need to be more decisive. The 11 year old - is this last year of primary 11 or first year of secondary? Either way you need to be thinking about secondary education and where it would be best for them. Child care for a 7 year old isn't going to be for much longer. So I'd be trying to chunk out the best options given the changing situation for the kids. For example what works best now, what would work best when the eldest is established at secondary, and what works best when the youngest goes to secondary?

You say the school isn't great and there aren't many jobs - these aren't things that will change quickly. Project forward 2-3 years when the kids have friends, and need less child care - are the schools and employment options going to be better? Is there enough - bar family - to keep you there once things become more settled/older kids? To be honest it doesn't sound like it.

Then in contrast with the UK - can you afford to be there by yourself if DH stops payments? What does that look like? It might be simply not an option to move back in which case you just have to knuckle down and make Italy work as the cheaper option and look to find ways to improve things for the kids.

I'm sorry it sounds very much like being between a rock and a hard place. I think you need to try and be very rational about it and think about the different stages of your circumstances over the next 5 years til the 11 year old is 16 and the 7 year old is 12. Where is it best to be at that point and how can you set things up to get there?

So,
1.poor education system for children
2.poor job for you
3.poor prospects for you
4.you can't be there for your children
5.none of these can get better
6.children unhappy

So move back to UK asap. The longer you put it off the worse it will be.
There's no point persisting when you know the decision was wrong.

Can you afford to be in the UK if your DH stops maintenance and evicts you from the house? What is your legal position? What if he starts a new family?

This is a really good summary. I have moved about op so I understand how destabilising it is to change countries. But not with children. Sometimes you have to stick it out. Other times things just aren’t right. No one is happy with this new set up. I’d go back to the uk in your situation. If you have a good skill set, you’ll find a good job.

What did you do for childcare in the UK?

Well it is early days in Italy and i’d say the kids would settle in time. But the other negatives won’t. I managed 2 kids and full time work in the UK with no local family to help, and my ex working overseas most of the time. I relied on wrap around care at the school, and then holiday clubs at local schools or sports centre’s. It wasn’t easy, but I managed. They are 20 and 16 now. So it’s not forever. Your 11yr old would be fine to stay home alone now, mine did from 11 as holiday clubs tend to cater for 12 and under. I’d say there are a lot more benefits for returning to the UK, but i’d make sure that you can secure good schools / job before you make the move