WWYD? I am making so many mistakes and can't think straight!

[cato40]

I'd really value some perspective from people that are not as emotionally involved as I feel like I am taking one wrong decision after the other and don't know what to do!
Background: neither me or exH are british born and have no family in the UK. We ived in the UK for all pir adult lives and just divorced after his years long affair with an ex girlfriend who lives in the US. We have 2 DD 11 and 7. He said he would leave the UK at some point and we agreed for me to move to my home country (Europe) with the girls so that my mum and brother can help me with the girls and I can build a new life here. Our old family home is on the market and with the money I could buy a place mortgage free here, he would pay maintainace and with my new job here me and the gilrs could have a good life here.
I have been back to my home city a month now and seriously struggling. The cost of living is high but salaries here are low, jobs are not flexible and transports unreliable. It means that I can't look after the girls as I used to when I was in the UK and I totally depend on my family for school runs and after school. I miss my independence and time with the girls. I cannot even afford a car here as they cost a fortune compared to the UK! I am way more tired (leaving the house at 7.00 am coming back at 7pm earning 50% of my last UK salary). Schools here have been a disappointment, I did not anticipate before moving, and the girls miss home and their friends too, which i expected but still makes me sad and guilty. Our quality of life is no better of what it was in the UK. I decided to move as I was scared at the idea of raising the kids alone in the UK since the dad was planning to move abroad too. He has always paid maintainace so far. The positive here is the support and connection with my family, although my elderly mum is exhausted as she has to manage the girls every day whilst I go to work. Paid childcare is too expensive.

Now: we have been away amonth and EXH is begging for us to go back to the UK promising he'll do more to be with them and help. I wonder if it is a narcissistic thing where he needs the kids to feed his ego? Us moving here was his idea and since his affair he has not been very involved with the kids. He paid anything the girls needed but his GF always first (going on hiliday with her and missing a year 6 assembly of our eldest daughter). He's happy to take the house off the market and for me to live there with the girls and support until I find a new job.
What would you do?
I am tempted to go back but feel I didn't give my country a proper chance for us to fully settle, and moving back to the UK would upset my family (although they are struggling too with us, not used to dealing with school runs, kids being kids etc.), they have supported me through the breakup and would not see well me moving back. I think the UK is better for the girls, schools and opportunities, we are in a super touristy region and in future they'll have to move away or work in hospitality.
Going back would also mean that the only support would be the unreliable ex H that now promises to stay in the UK to raise the girls.
Please help!

In Italy you don’t have to share custody at all. Your ex sounds like a prize prick. Selfishly I’d pick being there 100% for my kids over the inconvenience of longer commute etc. in a few years you won’t need childcare anyway and you’ll be around for your mum in her old age. Give the most time, of course the kids are finding it hard at first. I’d stay for at least a year to let them really try it then reevaluate

I think this is really good advice . Just one more consideration, can you do it without depending on your ex? Don’t do anything that ties you in to him being reliable. He isn’t. And you will be giving him the opportunity to control you.

It sounds like your life was better in the UK, I would go back with or without help from my ex

Thank you all, I was working for a charity in the UK. Kids went to after school club and breakfast club and I shared pick up and drop off with Ex. I still have £3k of unused childcare vouchers. Schools were walking distance too. Here you have to drive to school. I know that if I move back to the UK I will.upset my family and would have wasted thousands in moving costs!

Hi, I'm coming to the thread late but it seems like you're still weighing this up.

Firstly, I wanted to say to you not to beat yourself up about chopping and changing. It's really hard to make lasting decisions in the wake of a relationship breaking down. Your head is all over the place, some of the facts aren't really known yet (i.e. likely divorce settlement) and with kids it feels as though you need certainty now, which piles the pressure on. I remember bouncing around from one plan to the next, looking at property on Rightmove in all sorts of different places, until I finally snapped out of it half way through a plan to buy a fixer upper in the Scottish Highlands (I live in the southeast fgs!). Some variation on that is totally normal. The fact that your carefully chosen plans have unforeseen downsides is not a sign of poor judgement, just part of life's rich tapestry.

All of that said, my feeling is that you'd do better in the UK, depending on how well some of the variables can be nailed down. I would also advise that you don't take anything on trust from your DH, who has shown himself to be selfish and unreliable. But if you can get a legally binding agreement to keep the house, either in your name or on the basis that it remains unsold until the kids finish school, and if you can get school places from, say, January, I think that's the general plan I would work towards, with jobhunting a priority and thrashing out a child maintenance plan. I would not rely on him for childcare or even for sticking around tbh. Is it possible the OW has dumped him? Even if so, who wants her leftovers and there'll be someone else before long I imagine.

I'm sure your family will be sad to see you go back, but perhaps also a bit relieved too, and if the UK is better for your girls who would begrudge that. It's not like you'll never see them again, or as if Italy is on the other side of the world. Chalk up the relocation money to experience.

Beware the sunk cost fallacy - you’ll lose more refusing to change a bad decision than you will changing it.

Thank you @SophiaCohle and @TealPoet. I think the UK would be better for the kids, Italy would be better financially as with the house sale settlement I can buy a house and have money to invest or spend on kids fornquality time together = financial security. In the UK they'll get better education bit at some point we'll be downsizing from a 4 beds house in London to a 2 beds flat with one bathroom! With the dovorce settlement I have the house at 65% and EX is happy for me to stay there with the kids until the youngest is in year 7/8 that is another 5 years.. if we go back, assuming there are school spaces still in our old school, I'll need to get a job and it may not be as well paid as my last one so will be less financially secure. Ex has been an idiot but always paid maintainance and hope he will continue doing so.

I spoke to my family tonight and they have been very supportive.

there is some truth that i wanted to go as far as possible from him given it was his idea for me to move here. I feel bad exactly about depriving them from time with me their dad and friends, although growign in a country that is not native to their parents means they miss out on having a wider family around. I don^t want to list the isues i have with their dad but obviously he care more about himself than the kids. but he is still their dad.

Exh perhaps encouraged you to leave to ease his own guilt at leaving them (“she took them abroad, so I may as well leave too”)
Perhaps girlfriend in US isn’t keen on him moving there full time now though, so he’s back tracking?
Do what feels best for you & your girls. Sounds like UK for their education years might be best, holidays in Italy to visit family & their new friends.
Be practical, any promises from ExH must be legalised so he can’t change his mind. (For anything that can be legalised; house, money etc)
Contact your old job, to see if going back is an option (perhaps your replacement isn’t working out) Start searching/applying for Uk jobs to see what’s available. Check their school places are still available.
Do your DC still want to go back? If your eldest has reservations about seeing her DF, can there be some leeway for her? Maybe family therapy would help her with her feelings & help with any transition?
Theres no shame in going back.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

likely, he was in so much love and said a few times he would go. to which i panicked and moved mountains to get to where i am now. I believe he misses the chilren and we both thought being here with extended family would be best. Not my problem his plaan didn[t work out but i feel so stupid falling with it and believing his idea here would be better. I had such a good job and could have bought a small 2 beds to be with the girls. Spent so much saving on this idea and when i look online there are no good jobs in my field in London. My sector is in a bit of a crisis and there are may redundancies. I wasn^t performing really well in my last role and i do not think they would take me back.

Last update. I've found out Ex had a substantial pay rise and decided ti stay in the UK as it is too good to say now. I've left a decent job and house to come here and earn half whilst he is there financially thriving!

That good job will require him to pay child maintenance. think of the positives - the negatives and regrets will bring you down.

Get yourself back to the UK, into your house, get the girls back to their good school and focus on getting a job, any job that sees you current in the workforce. I firmly believe it’s easier to move jobs than get one when you’re not working.

if he’s desperate to have the girls back ask for $$ help to move. especially if you paid all the move costs the first time. The worst he says is no right? Surely you can split the move cost 50/50 if you both thought moving to Italy was a good plan and now both think it’s not.

Work with him while his thinking is aligning with yours. In a year or two he may have adjusted and may not be so keen to be supportive.

I can’t see any pros of you staying where you are.

Thank you @HazelBiscuit. Where is karma when you need it? He has been horrible, messed me around and gets a pay rise! I jumped on his idea of me moving here with the kids, give up a good job to be financially worse off thinking that was the best option and he changes the game again. Had he gone with his GF I would have probably sucked it up as being there without a support network is a bit scary.

The positive of being here is that I have a wonderful family who have been going above and beyond to help me and the kids, and do all the childcare I can't do when I am at work. They'll think I would be crazy to move back given how unreliable the ex is, and I 'd have no support network there. I have friends but not close enough to seek their help.

What a beautifully written post! I couldn’t agree more, hopefully writing your OP has given you some clarity on the situation but at the end of the day you are living your life and supporting the lives of your DC and although you may upset your family, your own lives have to be your priority here. I really feel for you but hope you don’t feel negatively about yourself for trying something that perhaps didn’t work out.

Nobody can foresee a situation especially one that is quite drastic. I really wish you all the best.

I don't think I want to go back, here is better for me. Work is long hours but is secure, pay is low but don't think my career would progress much in the UK either and big mortgage for a small place equals to no mortgage and low pay. Kids miss out on the good schools they were in but it seems things are slowly getting better and they see a lot less of their fickle dad.. I feel he is messing us around with his changes of mind and not taking responsibility for the kids. Like everything is my decision. Of course my quality of life won't be the same post divorce but here I have some security and a support and social network I won't have there, but to the potential detriment of the girls. If he is now able to buy a place of his own in London where we were, given his pay rise and probably hiding some of his wealth during divorce I bet the girls will move over in a few years after I have done the lion share of the work of raising them. This is so unfair. Plus his now saying he misses the kids and trying to entice me to go back puts me in a difficult position with my family.