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Original poster

My family have moved to be closer to me

76 replies

DamnitImTired · 29/09/2024 16:42

So long story short. I’ve lived in a different country to my parents and siblings for nearly 17 years.

My parents have in the last two years moved to within 15 mins of me. I bought them a house to assist financially with their retirement plans. My sister has suffered a life changing event in the last year and is also looking to move here with her family.

I am struggling with the changes all this means for my life. It just seems like all positive for them but responsibility and duty for me, I have never ‘wished’ my family to be closer to me and have always just gotten on quite successfully with my life and the odd holidays every year to visit them. I feel like they don’t really ‘know’ who I am having lived apart for so long and they are hoping for so much more from me than I am happy to give in terms of my time and space and support. I am ruminating constantly about how my life is going to be over run by expectations on my time and space that it’s consuming my already stressed out brain.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 29/09/2024 16:44

Is your parents house in their or your name?
Is your sibling expecting same, that you'll buy them a house?

DustyLee123 · 29/09/2024 16:45

You bought them a house 15 minutes away but you don’t want to be involved with them?

RechargeableGnu · 29/09/2024 16:46

I don't want to sound harsh but I'm not sure what you expected helping them buy a property away from their home country and only 15 minutes away from you?

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 29/09/2024 16:47

You bought a house for them close by, so why did you do that if you don't actually want them so close? Have they actually said that they expect care etc from you? I think you might be catastrophising a little. Set boundaries with them from the start. No just nipping in to see you, you need notice. You won't be providing care. Make that absolutely clear. Any time they mention it, make it clear it's on them to sort.

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 29/09/2024 16:49

House is in my name and my sister has dropped hints ‘in jest’ of course.

Me buying my parents a house was to assist them financially. Not to feel responsible for every other aspect of their lives, social, entertainment etc.

My husband and I are fairly active and lead a life which appeals to others. I fear that I am going to have a pile of people looking to me to provide them with the same.

OP posts:
MeMyselfIgor · 29/09/2024 16:51

I agree that you are catastrophising. Your family may be moving there but they are hopefully capable of building their own lives their like you did. Does your sister have children who will go to school? She will create social circles through that independent of you. In terms of them not knowing who you are any more, surely it's a good thing that they will get to know you better now (unless you think they won't approve of the person you are?).
I think you could have a talk with them about the need for them to have lives independent of you, and be ready to enforce that a little if necessary, but there seems no need to assume the worst already.

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 29/09/2024 16:53

And ps. This is their home country as well. They have moved back here. A move I did 17 years ago. In that time I have made substantial changes to my financial position and my life is vastly different to the life I left behind and grew up with.

I had to help them because my siblings were not in a position to do so and so the option was to buy them a home where I am.

OP posts:
ForPearlViper · 29/09/2024 16:54

RechargeableGnu · 29/09/2024 16:46

I don't want to sound harsh but I'm not sure what you expected helping them buy a property away from their home country and only 15 minutes away from you?

Quite. Hopefully they will settle in and build a life that is less centred around you. You just need to take control and manage expectations.

However, an additional view for you. You don't mention the age of your parents but we all get older. I'm assuming you are remaining in this country and you need to bear in mind that it will be far easier if they reach a point where they need support to have them nearby. I have a friend who had to (and wanted to) support her parents, one after the other, through serious illness and then palliative care from another country and it was very, very hard and very, very expensive.

I'm assuming if you bought the house you do like your parents a bit! I'm sure if you set appropriate boundaries it will work out fine.

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 29/09/2024 16:56

Thank you to those who say I am catastrophising. I need the reality check.

I know I need to talk to them and set down the expectations. I certainly don’t have an open door house and it makes me uncomfortable people just popping in. Something I know my sister expects is to be able to sit on my couch for hours doing nothing and she wouldn’t understand why I would have a problem with it as that is what it’s like at her house.

OP posts:
Original poster
DamnitImTired · 29/09/2024 16:58

Absolutely I do like my parents a bit. And I certainly don’t mind my sister either.

im stressing about being the centre of my extended family and being the person everyone looks to for support and company.

OP posts:
Thatcat · 29/09/2024 17:01

If you didn’t want the responsibility, why did you take on the responsibility of housing them 15 mins away from you. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be near your parents and sister if you’re not well.

You sound a bit smug tbh, with your highly desirable life everyone wants a big of. Just get on with your own thing, and say no when you mean no.

HoppityBun · 29/09/2024 17:01

Set the boundaries now, from the beginning! You can slacken over time if you choose to but you will never be able to set boundaries down the line if you’ve not set them at the start. Work out what you want and stick to it

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 29/09/2024 17:06

Thatcat · 29/09/2024 17:01

If you didn’t want the responsibility, why did you take on the responsibility of housing them 15 mins away from you. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be near your parents and sister if you’re not well.

You sound a bit smug tbh, with your highly desirable life everyone wants a big of. Just get on with your own thing, and say no when you mean no.

Pretty harsh to be honest.

My husband and I have provided jobs, houses , entertainment, holidays, medical care to his family for years with mostly disastrous outcomes because most people don’t know when to stop taking.

I am extremely fearful of doing the same with my parents and sister who are most certainly less able to provide for themselves than I am able to provide for myself. I am happy to help and support from a place of gracious giving.

I do however want to protect my own life and don’t want to be smug and mean whilst setting boundaries. So forgive me.

OP posts:
Anisty · 29/09/2024 17:07

Perhaps you shouldn't have bought a house so close! Kept a couple of hours travel time between you.

I think you will be fine as long as you ask them to afford you the common courtesy of letting you know in advance of any visits.

And - don't be too available!! It is fine to say, sorry i am busy this week - how about next.

They will soon get the message that you do not want an open door, drop in when you like relationship.

And - remember to call them to see when it's convenient to go to them.

Works both ways! You will be fine though.

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 29/09/2024 17:12

To everyone who says I shouldn’t have bought a house so close to me. it has nothing to do with the proximity of the house.

And everything to do with the ‘access’ other people feel they have to my space and time in order to fill the gaps and spaces in their own lives.

I have not lived with any responsibilities to my extended family for many many years and I’m struggling to find a balance without offending people.

OP posts:
Sinisterbag · 29/09/2024 17:13

Setting expectations/boundaries early on is your best defence OP. Make it clear your home is invite only and never entertain drop-in's, you may need to employ the 'coat on to answer the door as you were just on your way out' technique a few times in the early days. I think this stuff only tends to be a major problem if you let it creep up on you unaware, if you're prepared for it then it's much harder for people to set precedents you don't want.

Make sure you offer tools for them to solve their own problems rather than solving them for them too, people can only rely on you if you choose to step in. Remember you can still be loving and supportive to your family without letting them take over your life and you shouldn't feel guilty for protecting the life you've built for yourself.

GivingitToGod · 29/09/2024 17:14

RechargeableGnu · 29/09/2024 16:46

I don't want to sound harsh but I'm not sure what you expected helping them buy a property away from their home country and only 15 minutes away from you?

My thoughts exactly

Thatcat · 29/09/2024 17:15

DamnitImTired · 29/09/2024 17:06

Pretty harsh to be honest.

My husband and I have provided jobs, houses , entertainment, holidays, medical care to his family for years with mostly disastrous outcomes because most people don’t know when to stop taking.

I am extremely fearful of doing the same with my parents and sister who are most certainly less able to provide for themselves than I am able to provide for myself. I am happy to help and support from a place of gracious giving.

I do however want to protect my own life and don’t want to be smug and mean whilst setting boundaries. So forgive me.

Show quote history

Because I said you sound a bit smug when said you think your life appeals to others in the context of you moving you parents close to you and your sick sister wanting to be where the rest of the family is? I stand by it OP, sorry if it’s not what you want to hear.

You also sound like you’ve been more fortunate and have be generous with family. People will take as long as you give. As some PPs have said, set your boundaries. Don’t over extend to them if you’re not comfortable doing so.

Original poster
DamnitImTired · 29/09/2024 17:21

Thank you for all your messages. I need to set boundaries and probably ‘explain’ myself to them early on.

i don’t mean to sound smug but it is a fact that my husband and I success has set us up in this position where we are seen to be at the head or helm of our combined families. It’s not a place I’m particularly comfortable being.

OP posts:
Original poster
DamnitImTired · 29/09/2024 17:27

And to be clear. My sister is not sick. She has gone through a tough time and is a single mom with two kids. She needs my parents and by extension she is saying she needs me… a sister who has not been present in her day to day life for 17 years (ever to be honest) and I’m concerned she is living under some illusion that the only reason that has been the case has been because of the distance between us but the reality is that I am just not that person she thinks I am. I am concerned that there is some sort of fairytale family story she is basing her decisions on.

OP posts:
stanleypops66 · 29/09/2024 17:47

You just need to make yourself unavailable to them from the outset and put boundaries around that and stick to it.
Create a new 'normal' in terms of how much you see them and help them.

Delphiniumandlupins · 29/09/2024 17:51

Make sure that, if you are involved in finding housing for your sister, she settles on the opposite side of your parents. Preferably slightly closer to them than you are. Hopefully they will then rely on each other, rather than you. You can set boundaries for how much you will be involved in their lives but it's natural that you will have many more local connections and knowledge than someone moving into the area.

BanditsWife · 29/09/2024 17:52

If you haven’t lived near them for years, you haven’t had to practice having boundaries with them. If you do that now, things will be ok. Think carefully about how much you want to offer in terms of time, space, money, whatever and stick to it. If they chose to ignore your boundaries then you can also chose what happens next. You have agency here.

I think it will be ok.

SensibleSigma · 29/09/2024 17:52

Make your schedule really clear and busy. Be out most of the time. It’s inconvenient in the short term, but will reap benefits long term.

Don’t buy them tickets for things you are going to. Be firmly in control.
Buy them tickets to events as gifts- birthday presents etc- when you aren’t going yourself.
Make clear suggestions. Shall we all go out for breakfast this weekend? We’re going to be really busy but we do want to catch up with you…!

Just spell everything out.

sharpclawedkitten · 29/09/2024 17:54

DamnitImTired · 29/09/2024 17:12

To everyone who says I shouldn’t have bought a house so close to me. it has nothing to do with the proximity of the house.

And everything to do with the ‘access’ other people feel they have to my space and time in order to fill the gaps and spaces in their own lives.

I have not lived with any responsibilities to my extended family for many many years and I’m struggling to find a balance without offending people.

But it does matter. 15 minutes away makes it much easier for people to drop by than if they are 2 hours away.

Maybe you should move ;)