My family have moved to be closer to me

[DamnitImTired]

So long story short. I’ve lived in a different country to my parents and siblings for nearly 17 years.

My parents have in the last two years moved to within 15 mins of me. I bought them a house to assist financially with their retirement plans. My sister has suffered a life changing event in the last year and is also looking to move here with her family.

I am struggling with the changes all this means for my life. It just seems like all positive for them but responsibility and duty for me, I have never ‘wished’ my family to be closer to me and have always just gotten on quite successfully with my life and the odd holidays every year to visit them. I feel like they don’t really ‘know’ who I am having lived apart for so long and they are hoping for so much more from me than I am happy to give in terms of my time and space and support. I am ruminating constantly about how my life is going to be over run by expectations on my time and space that it’s consuming my already stressed out brain.

I think you should start as you mean to go and keep sister at a distance from the off.

So if she turns up without an invite, don’t open the door and pretend to be out.

And if she does move closer, and as your parents get older, share the tasks of managing elderly parents with her, don’t do it all yourself.

And did your sister really hint for a house? 😮

Isn’t ‘de haut en bas’ as bad as ‘gracious giving’? Why not just say condescending?

Because the poster wanted me to google it to prove that Im not as great as she thinks I think I am....

You’re probably right!

She did absolutely hint for a house.... And I do have to have a word with her about how insensitive it is even when said in 'jest'

The pressure my husband and I feel to 'fix' everyones problems is bearing down on us like a tonne of bricks and I think if she knew how we felt she would probably realise the sting of her joke (a joke which I know is a hint).

I also have to say that I have focussed here on my side of the family. My husband has a mountain of the same of his side although a little more devastating with supporting a brother who has gambled his life away and has a terminal illness. I think I am also trying to get my family to be a bit more self reliant so that they are not lumped into the same grouping as his side of the family.

The pressure is real.

Where do you work? In or outside the home?

My husband and I are self employed and work from our offices / locations as well as a great deal from our home office.

I will soon be in a slightly similar situation OP with elderly DPs moving to my town. I plan to continue with my current social life and routunes and remember that they are fully able to be responsible for themselves now so can continue after they move.

It's going to take a fair amount of adjusting to on both sides, but I'm also of the mind that it's much easier if family is not far away Set your boundaries - I'll come for coffee one morning a week for an hour - or whatever. But when my DPs were sick and now that DH's are in need of support, long drives/train journeys and having to take days off work to go and see them is a PITA.

OP, have you tried CBT therapy? A good counsellor may help you unpack all this and how to put in better boundaries and not feel so responsible for everyone’s happiness.

I am also a bit of ‘centre’ for extended family and have to constantly remind myself that it’s not my responsibility to give tnem a lot of my time.

I am strongly considering this.

The focus has always been on my sister who suffers from social anxiety and her latest life changing turn of events.

Everyone just assumes that because my DH and I appear to be so well 'put together' that we dont have any stresses or problems. Its a real strange phenomenon that generally speaking other people have to have their sht together so other people can fall apart and not have their sht together. Its exhausting.

@DamnitImTired your Sister needs to realise that you're not there to be a solution to her problems, if she wants to move to be near her parents and you she needs to independently work out a plan for that. It's wonderful you are in a position to have been able to assist your parents, but, if there is an expectation of further support, financially, emotional or practical it needs to be nipped in the bud. Don't stress over a situation that's not happened yet, just be prepared with explanations as to why you aren't able to provide such support. You have your own life, you have been independent there for 17 years and built a good life for yourself. If your Sister hasn't been as lucky it's not your responsibility to sort things for her. X
Ignore the hint for a house and don't dwell on that.

This sounds like the parent who has no time for their kid, yet they throw money at them. You bought them a house …. Surely you must’ve thought of the consequences.

@DamnitImTired I am you in my family, albeit now without the income I used to have (and happily so).

The sorter-out, the person who has to appear to have their shit together, the one that everyone else thinks has no problems. It absolutely is exhausting.

I can completely see why you are concerned about your life being encroached on, so protect that right from the off - statements like "won't it be lovely to meet up for lunch once a month" sounds excited rather than snippy, but makes it very clear what you are looking for. And if it's big enough, and they are well enough, make your parents' home the default meeting place. And I like a PP's suggestion about helping your sister (as in assisting to find, not paying for) find somewhere else the other side of your mum and dad.

Next time there is the suggestion of you financing your sister's house I think the MN "tinkly laugh" is in order..."I wish I could, but helping mum and dad has wiped out most of my savings...so please don't rely on me or you'll be disappointed"; again, not creating any animosity, but putting in boundaries.

It's an incredibly hard role to throw off - carer/provider/sorter-out - as everyone else is invested in you staying like that because it suits them. But it doesn't suit you, so make these new circumstances - which will hopefully work out really well - work for you right from the start.

Oh dear. As the old saying goes, you can only change your own behaviour, not other peoples'. Most likely your family will be disappointed if you say you're too busy to spend much time with them, but you need to say it anyway, and live with their disappointment, hints, grumpiness or whatever. Invite them all for a nice meal every week or fortnight or whatever feels OK, either at your home or a restaurant, be concerned and interested in their lives while they are with you, but limit your contact to that.

It can be uncomfortable for one member of a family to be a lot better off financially than the others; it can easily raise expectations for help and all kinds of resentment that would not otherwise happen; you're not alone in that. If you don't know anyone else in this position, you might try starting a new thread specifically asking to talk over the difficulties of being 'the rich one'.

Except they are not kids… they are adults.
And I haven’t thrown money at them. I’ve provided a roof over their heads so they can enjoy their retirement without a financial worry.

So you know you need to set boundaries. And then you need to be prepared for people to push back against those boundaries and be upset when they realise they can't have everything they want from you any more. That's the hardest part, you need to be strong. Once you're past that you're good.

Are you clear on what boundaries you need to put in place and how to communicate them, or are you still trying to figure that out?

You also need to realise that you're not actually helping them by giving them everything. Aside from the growing resentment on your side, what you give will never be enough. They need to earn it themselves to see the value in it, so it doesn't actually help them, it keeps them stuck in the same mindset and routines and outlook. It is not the gift of motivation or hope. It is also a life of no consequences, because you're always there to bail them out. I learned this the hard way. Tough love is needed.

Your family until now have been out of sight and out of mind, but now you’re having to face them, and deal with awkward issues without the buffer of distance. You’re not a weak person and you’re not incapable of standing up for yourself - if you were you wouldn’t have achieved the success in business that you have. So find that woman, and use her now. Talk to your husband and get his support in doing so as well, be that team backing each other up.

They are not your dependents. Your sister is an adult and her situation is her responsibility to deal with, it isn’t yours. Expecting you to buy her a house is batshit and demonstrates a lack of respect for you tbh. That you can afford to do so is irrelevant, she has no right to stand there with her hand out. Don’t be drawn into providing for her via proxy (your parents) either. Putting your foot down is something you would be better served doing sooner rather than later, lest expectations be cemented and becomes harder to do so. Yes, they’ll probably be upset and try to argue you down - so what? That isn’t something you need to engage with, and it doesn’t need to be your problem either. Being used as a resentful wallet and a mug is not preferable to avoiding their anger.

and yes, you were kind and gracious doing what you did for your parents. I’m not sure why you’re not supposed to acknowledge or verbalize that.

I generally find on MN you either get the really hard line answers which basically tell you to give everyone else the middle finger and serve yourself only or answers that seek to blame you for the problem in which you are seeking help. It is comforting to know that there are other out there who have also found themselves to be burdened with responsibilities that they didnt necessarily ask for. Balancing the love for family with what is right by yourself is not always easy to do and is laced with lots of guilt and resentment if you let it get the better of you. I really do love my family I just chose many years ago to seek out a life that was more than average and one that was not dictated to me by my upbringing. This has placed distance between us, both physically and metaphorically and has created a massive gap of space and time in who my family think I am or remember me to be. So honestly thank you to everyone who seems to have understood the matter that sits on my heart. Balancing my own self created bubble vs helping family who have done nothing wrong really other than be less prosperous than I am. Thank you.

I just chose many years ago to seek out a life that was more than average and one that was not dictated to me by my upbringing. This has placed distance between us, both physically and metaphorically and has created a massive gap of space and time in who my family think I am or remember me to be

I think this is the nub of it. The physical proximity is forcing you to think about this further, and in concrete terms. Previously, visiting your family on your terms and to your schedule and for as long as you were comfortable with helped separate your "real" life from your previous life. Now, the two are toe to toe and you're having to address this.

It's difficult to envision having to explain yourself, or describe your life, without the specter of judgement or disillusion, or the fear of being misunderstood. It's also difficult envisioning never having to have this conversation if you're dealing with people who lack the intelligence to work things out for themselves. You're not saying you're better than them, you're saying you're different.

All relationships are multi-faceted. You're allowed to be different. It's up to the other parties to decide whether they're going to feel insulted and hear that as "better", or be happy for you, or just respectful and lacking in having an opinion about it. You can't control them. This is the way things are, and you don't have to apologize for it.

I didn’t care whether you googled it or not

What a wonderfully comforting response. Thank you!!!

@DamnitImTired unless your sister's partner has passed away, I doubt whether she would be allowed to remove her children from UK.

Gosh, it seems that the moment you mention you have money, people either feel they're entitled to tell you what to do with it, and/or are jealous... and you're seeing a lot of that here...

I know, you've done well, and you've tried to do something nice with that - and then it comes back and bites you in the behind... All I can suggest going forward is what others have said - set the boundaries firmly and early.

I've always found that trying to have a 'proper sit down chat' about boundaries doesn't work - everyone gets emotional, or they see it as a challenge to overcome your rules. You just have to show your boundaries with your actions. Even if you need to be very 'harsh' to begin with and can dial it back later.

And maybe have a little chat with yourselves about protecting yourselves in future and why it is you feel the need to give so much away... because clearly you're not just giving money - which might feel 'right' to you - but you are also giving away your autonomy. You may not see them as the same thing, but other people in your life clearly do.

Wishing you the best!

Give it a rest. Phrasing varies in different countries. You're bristling at something that isn't there.