My family have moved to be closer to me

[DamnitImTired]

So long story short. I’ve lived in a different country to my parents and siblings for nearly 17 years.

My parents have in the last two years moved to within 15 mins of me. I bought them a house to assist financially with their retirement plans. My sister has suffered a life changing event in the last year and is also looking to move here with her family.

I am struggling with the changes all this means for my life. It just seems like all positive for them but responsibility and duty for me, I have never ‘wished’ my family to be closer to me and have always just gotten on quite successfully with my life and the odd holidays every year to visit them. I feel like they don’t really ‘know’ who I am having lived apart for so long and they are hoping for so much more from me than I am happy to give in terms of my time and space and support. I am ruminating constantly about how my life is going to be over run by expectations on my time and space that it’s consuming my already stressed out brain.

We have been exploring the options of splitting our time between a smaller home here and another on the coast with a long term view to retiring.

Ive already catastrophised that my family will be happy to have ‘access’ to a holiday home on the coast 🙈

The time for laying out what you were commiting to was before they upped sticks and moved away from your sister to a home 15 minutes from you.

My sisters bad luck happened soon after they moved. If it had happened before they in all likelihood would not have made such a big move.

People who are in a position where they need to set boundaries are always, seemingly, worried about causing offence.

Unless you give offence, it’s up to the other person whether they take offence. If you make sure you are not offensive, the rest isn’t within your control. Setting boundaries isn’t inherently offensive. Feeling entitled to someone’s space and time is offensive.

So, when you have the conversations, make sure you’re firm and kind. Make sure you’re not being personal (doesn’t sound like you feel this is anything against them personally). Say the same few sentences again and again if you need to.

Your issue may well be that you feel guilty not being everything to your parents and sister, your immediate family. That guilt is yours, not theirs and not from them. That’s entirely your emotion. You will have to deal with it somehow.

Your issue may well be that you feel guilty not being everything to your parents and sister, your immediate family. That guilt is yours, not theirs and not from them. That’s entirely your emotion. You will have to deal with it somehow.

It is very likely that this is the problem. Thank you.

Your family haven't moved to be closer to you, they have moved back home like you did 17 years ago. What makes you think its about you?

They would not have moved if I was not here. They needed a solution to their retirement problem and I provided it for them in the form of a house which assists greatly with their finances. They have friends here from their years at ‘home’ but there is a large part of me which feels that they are disappointed in the quality of their relationship with me and expected more from me. I wish to avoid the same with my sister who has less connection to home than my parents as she left when she was younger than me. She obviously now has my parents here.

Yeah, I get it, you've played lady bountiful and saved your parents from a shitty retirement and either you, and perhaps they, have an expectation that should include a level of social support that you don't feel capable of providing - and in doing so, you have upended your dsis's social support in a time of need.

No good deed goes unpunished and all that.

This doesn’t make sense. What happened they just decided to move close to you and told you they need you to buy them a house? Then you just went ahead and did it without any thought?

perhaps you don’t understand

I am not a terrible daughter or sister and I could see my dad was struggling with how he was going to afford his retirement and the options he had available to him were pretty bleak (there are other factors as someone who hadn’t worked the full 30 years on national insurance having been a late life returnee to the UK where he was born)
So of course there were conversations had between us before this all happened. And my sister’s misfortune happened after they moved and they probably wouldn’t have moved otherwise.

I being kind and supportive and being able to afford it, offered a solution which they gladly took. It is not unusual for people to retire here and in fact the place in which they live is specifically set up for the purpose of retirement.

I didn’t make them do anything that’s for sure.

I just didn’t really think about the actual dynamics of them being in my space and what more they would expect of me in terms of space time and availability.

Your posts are quite vague and it's hard to follow. You mean you bought your parents a house close to you and didn't expect them to be in your every day life? Surely you expected and wanted that? If not, what an incredibly thoughtless mistake you made.

Thank you for your eloquent summary of my perhaps unsolvable problem.

I haven’t even started on whether the actual decision for my sister to move here is a good one based on other financial and practical circumstances. Scared to get too involved in case that equates to responsibility for the decisions.

Do you do nothing out of a misguided sense of duty or love or care that ends up being a bit more complex that you first imagined????

And it can hardly be a mistake if it means that my parents have a roof over their heads and are cared for????

I know it isn’t really relevant, but one of your posts reads as though the UK is the country of origin. Is that right? I’d imagined the uk as the country your parents moved to, and that they’d retired back to somewhere where property was less expensive and the quality of life was better. Which doesn’t scream uk 🤐
I can’t imagine aspiring to retire to the uk. It’s cold and wet and miserable!

It probably would have been wiser to put a little more distance between you. I plan to move back near the area I grew up in (250 miles away) but i’ve decided to put minimum of 45mims drive distance. I am like you and have got used to no-one popping in, I am very social but prefer to meet people somewhere. Problem is you moved them too close, but you need to set some boundaries. Tell your sister that you’re busy, don’t let her sit on your sofa for hours if that doesn’t work for you. Yes it might offend them a little, but you’ve bought them a house, they should be grateful and respect any boundaries you put in place.

Your sister will need your parents more than you so her presence will actually dilute your parents leaning on you. Set boundaries and let them crack on being codependent on each other.

Don't get too involved in your sister's potential move to your area. Ignore any dropped hints, give the vaguest of general advice only.

Don't be the rescuer. She's a grown up and can sort things herself.

I was in this exact situation a few years ago. I felt every concern and feeling you've expressed. In the end it's been absolutely fine. I never had a boundaries chat with them, but we were all feeling our way and sensitive to atmosphere. I created a polite but somewhat unwelcome atmosphere for pop-ins and sent regular 'official' invites so they knew when they were welcome. I was really worried about having to be responsible for their social lives etc, but actually they are adults and have to figure those things out alone. So I told them about the local community centre, gym etc and left them to it. I do feel a responsibility to visit regularly, maybe twice a week, but from that we now do know each other better and I actually find them an emotional support (which I didn't expect). And I think they are learning what I'm like too. There is some life cross-over, which is weird and took some getting used to, but in some ways has been quite enriching. I think if I were to sum up my advice, it would be to just take it day by day, your fears may not materialise, but set kind and gentle boundaries. Also realise that they don't really know you and you don't really know then- so this is an amazing opportunity to get to know each other and have a more real relationship, even if you don't think you want it right now! There have been bumps along the road but overall it has been positive for me and an enhancement to my life. They won't be here forever and overall I'm very grateful for these years.

Oh, and with me, the distance is shorter than 15 minutes. A short distance actually makes things easier.

I couldnt live in the UK and moved back home 17 years ago after a 7 year stint there. My parents and siblings remained. Times have changed and the value of their UK pension now goes much further back here and obviously I have lessened the burden of housing on them. This is a much nicer place to retire, me being here or not, so I cannot blame them for taking up the option.

Thank you for your insight. I am a control freak and I guess I just want to set the record straight beforehand to avoid any hiccups down the road. I need to relax and let it play out.

I suppose you need to call it move to X country rather than move closer to you in conversations. And ask questions like : What are plans about this and that?
Of course your life would change but it’s inevitable change because of age of your parents. Without their move you would probably have to go to UK regularly, organize care, sort out issues… so you would be involved more than say 12 years ago. In the current situation I would help them to be involved in a local community with a purpose of leaving them more to themselves after.
If it’s a money thing you should be clear with expectations straight away. If it’s a status/ social thing and your relatives are expected to be invited to all your high level parties.., in this case I would just generally set clear expectations from the beginning and do the same rules for all relatives unless a very specific reason e.g everyone is invited to your birthday party but the Autumn ball is for colleagues only, yes, uncle John comes to the ball but it’s because he works at the same place as your DH not because he is a relative.
I know what you are saying that you’ve changed, I have the same with my family but bear in mind that your sister has changed as well. With her being single mum of two the idea of sitting regularly on your sofa might be far from her reality. So you need polite boundaries from the start but you might be worry too much.

And play the long game. My mum was this sister who moved closer to her family in difficult circumstances. She needed a lot of support initially but then the table turned. And my mum was able to repair to her sister and mostly to her niece and her family after my aunt’s death. I know maybe it sounds too far away but my aunt’s great grandson just popped to my mum last week, got cup of tea, a bit of life advice about college and a tenner just in case he needs it. And mum said to me in a phone call: He is my sister’s great grandson, she is not there but I’m still is. Think about your children and their relationship with cousins, if you don’t have children think about yourself, you might need help of younger generation later in life.

“from a place of gracious giving”… bigging yourself up as being gracious sticks a bit, OP. I think you’ve been unfairly criticised on here and I also realise that Americans tend to be keen on describing themselves and each other as “gracious” in a way that we don’t (yet 🙄) do here in the UK, but perhaps you might care to reflect on this de haut en bas attitude

Not American but I think perhaps my choice of words isnt great nonetheless.

I have done what Ive done for my family from a place of kindness and realisation that I am fortunate enough to be able to help where I can. I would like to continue to be able to give on the basis that I am able to not because it is now expected of me. I also would like to be able to limit that giving to what I would like to give and not have it be assumed that my whole life is there for the taking... My friendships, my space, my time, my home, my advice.

I heard someone say that givers have to stop giving because takers rarely stop taking. And I would hate for that to become the case! I also need to stop reflecting the quality I have imposed on my life as the standard by which I assume others would like to live and be satisfied that if they would like to lounge about on their sofas doing nothing whilst I am planning my next holiday then so be it and not feel guilty for their lack of it. So hard!!!