My family have moved to be closer to me

[DamnitImTired]

So long story short. I’ve lived in a different country to my parents and siblings for nearly 17 years.

My parents have in the last two years moved to within 15 mins of me. I bought them a house to assist financially with their retirement plans. My sister has suffered a life changing event in the last year and is also looking to move here with her family.

I am struggling with the changes all this means for my life. It just seems like all positive for them but responsibility and duty for me, I have never ‘wished’ my family to be closer to me and have always just gotten on quite successfully with my life and the odd holidays every year to visit them. I feel like they don’t really ‘know’ who I am having lived apart for so long and they are hoping for so much more from me than I am happy to give in terms of my time and space and support. I am ruminating constantly about how my life is going to be over run by expectations on my time and space that it’s consuming my already stressed out brain.

I can really understand where you're coming from. You've forged a life apart from them and now you're worried they'll impinge on it and assume that because you've helped them financially, they can now help themselves to your routines, your friendships, your hobbies etc.

First of all, if I were to buy a holiday home, I would keep that as my own sacred place. I wouldn't tell them anything about it. When I went away I'd keep it really vague - I wouldn't tell them until just before I went and then I'd say a friend (or better still a boss - someone they wouldn't dare to ask) had offered it to you as a quiet place to work. I would be very vague about the location and about what the house itself was like.

Then I'd extend my working hours so that I couldn't see them at all in the week.

I wouldn't let them have a key to my house - ever.

I'd direct them to places where they could make friends, but I'd keep my own friends separate. They are clearly stressing you out and you do need your own friends for yourself, for your own sanity.

Your sister needs to get a grip - asking you for a house is absolutely outrageous. She needs to find work asap and get used to supporting herself and her children, just like other women around the world are doing every day.