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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who's unreasonable ? Wife clearing up or man doing garden work

77 replies

whatdoyuthink · 29/09/2024 15:19

It's the weekend.. as usual really, man ( husband ) has found work to do outside the house in the garden. He's currently building a shed of some sort.

Wife as usual, inside, looking after kids. Cleaning up- cooking, doing laundry. Trying to keep kids from getting the way of said shed building.

Kids are 2 and 4.

We've baked, done crafts, set up our train, watched TV. I've cooked for everyone. Cleaned up after breakfast. Pretty much constantly been tidying since I got up today. The usual really. I am also trying to categorise toys as I go along today, which is something I hate doing.

Anyway, husband comes in from doing man work. I had food just out cold on the side for when he was ready but I warmed it up and served it, as it sort of seemed like he wanted that to be done..

He finishes his meal, leaves everything on the table and walks off to carry on with the work.

When I then said, can you at least clear it and put it next to the sink, I was told I'm a joke for asking.

He makes a massive mess when he eats. He gets all sorts of condiments, bread, butter, drinks out on the table and just leaves it out and I just wasn't up for clearing it.

Am I unreasonable or is he ? He's saying he's doing hard man work outside so I am a joke for asking him to clear his mess.

OP posts:
Nursemumma92 · 29/09/2024 15:22

YANBU- You already have cooked for him, washed his clothes and looked after the children all day. He is not a child and can put his plate/cup etc in the dishwasher or by the sink and wipe down the table. You are not his maid!

thunderbanana · 29/09/2024 15:23

Of course you’re not being unreasonable

what a prize you’ve got yourself there. Sounds like he’s checked out of family life if he’s spending his weekend faffing in the garden

i would of sent the dc out to help build the shed tbh

time for a serious chat if you think he’s got it in him to change

Catza · 29/09/2024 15:23

Well, he can move to his hard man shed when he is done with it, then.

greenwoodentablelegs · 29/09/2024 15:24

Sorry your husband is a nob. Not sure how you’ll get through to him. Maybe next weekend get up early and go out and leave him with the kids before he has a chance to start pointless gardening?

do you even want a shed ?

BarbaraHoward · 29/09/2024 15:24

thunderbanana · 29/09/2024 15:23

Of course you’re not being unreasonable

what a prize you’ve got yourself there. Sounds like he’s checked out of family life if he’s spending his weekend faffing in the garden

i would of sent the dc out to help build the shed tbh

time for a serious chat if you think he’s got it in him to change

Yes all of this. You're working so bloody hard. Is he just engaging in a hobby and/or avoidance? Urgh.

Dotto · 29/09/2024 15:26

What? Is it the 1950s? Tell him you're going out, without the kids

whatdoyuthink · 29/09/2024 15:26

I just don't think it warranted him calling me a joke, being asked to clear up. I ended up telling him I'm not his maid. I shouldn't even need to ask him to just clear up after himself.

You should have seen the mess he had made.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 29/09/2024 15:26

Why did he have to put the shed up?
Why did you have to make him any food?

Atishooo · 29/09/2024 15:26

It’s funny how it’s always work that takes them away from the house and kids.

HoppityBun · 29/09/2024 15:26

YANBU but this comes across as a long standing problem?

hillroad · 29/09/2024 15:27

sounds a positively blissful environment for the children to grow up in

Atishooo · 29/09/2024 15:27

Why are you running around heating up food for him?

Yousunkme · 29/09/2024 15:28

A perfect opportunity to share this - www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

candlewhickgreen · 29/09/2024 15:28

whatdoyuthink · 29/09/2024 15:26

I just don't think it warranted him calling me a joke, being asked to clear up. I ended up telling him I'm not his maid. I shouldn't even need to ask him to just clear up after himself.

You should have seen the mess he had made.

Did you tell him you weren't the maid as you cleared up after him or was it when you were looking after his children, cleaning his house and making his dinner?

hillroad · 29/09/2024 15:29

Atishooo · 29/09/2024 15:27

Why are you running around heating up food for him?

martyrdom

Tagyoureit · 29/09/2024 15:30

Set his shed alight!

Hadalifeonce · 29/09/2024 15:31

I second leaving early for a day out, on your own.

1bub1pup · 29/09/2024 15:34

Yanbu. Listen you can divide the jobs (or chores) up however you like but grown ups clear up after themselves.
He is a joke.
Whenever my husband tries this sh*t I just say "I don't think that's how your mum bought you up somehow" and he has to agree.

Bumcake · 29/09/2024 15:46

I’d send the kids out to “help” him and settle down with a book.

niadainud · 29/09/2024 15:51

If he literally said, "You are a joke," that's incredibly rude and rather nasty.

Goldbar · 29/09/2024 15:52

He is a pig.

Regardless of the general division of household jobs, everyone clears up after themselves. For an adult to make a mess and expect another adult to clean it up is disgraceful behaviour.

hillroad · 29/09/2024 15:57

Bumcake · 29/09/2024 15:46

I’d send the kids out to “help” him and settle down with a book.

put them in the middle of this warring pair?

no

whatdoyuthink · 29/09/2024 16:04

niadainud · 29/09/2024 15:51

If he literally said, "You are a joke," that's incredibly rude and rather nasty.

Yeah he said that, on a loop.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 29/09/2024 16:05

Bumcake · 29/09/2024 15:46

I’d send the kids out to “help” him and settle down with a book.

So there are different types of useless parent. There are parents who are workshy and useless because there is someone else around (usually their female partner) that they can push all the boring stuff onto if they can, but they do fundamentally care about their children and will step up if they really can't get out of it.

Then there are parents who just don't understand the idea of prioritising their kids' needs above their own needs and wants and are quite capable of making the children suffer or putting them into dangerous situations to get back at their partner if she tries this.

Unfortunately, this man sounds like the latter. I'd be keeping the kids away from him as much as possible personally.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 29/09/2024 16:16

No partner of mine would ever get a second chance to call me a joke. It would be the end of the relationship the first time it happened.