Who's unreasonable ? Wife clearing up or man doing garden work

[whatdoyuthink]

It's the weekend.. as usual really, man ( husband ) has found work to do outside the house in the garden. He's currently building a shed of some sort.

Wife as usual, inside, looking after kids. Cleaning up- cooking, doing laundry. Trying to keep kids from getting the way of said shed building.

Kids are 2 and 4.

We've baked, done crafts, set up our train, watched TV. I've cooked for everyone. Cleaned up after breakfast. Pretty much constantly been tidying since I got up today. The usual really. I am also trying to categorise toys as I go along today, which is something I hate doing.

Anyway, husband comes in from doing man work. I had food just out cold on the side for when he was ready but I warmed it up and served it, as it sort of seemed like he wanted that to be done..

He finishes his meal, leaves everything on the table and walks off to carry on with the work.

When I then said, can you at least clear it and put it next to the sink, I was told I'm a joke for asking.

He makes a massive mess when he eats. He gets all sorts of condiments, bread, butter, drinks out on the table and just leaves it out and I just wasn't up for clearing it.

Am I unreasonable or is he ? He's saying he's doing hard man work outside so I am a joke for asking him to clear his mess.

He is appalling. Calling someone 'a joke' in a cruel and condescending way when it's clear nothing amusing has happened is a well known gaslighting technique.
he's saying Your feelings are laughable, pathetic, not worthy of consideration. I am pretending to find it funny that you are upset BC I'm the big strong man and you don't want it to become more than a joke now do you? Like either you'll be subordinate or it will escalate to a 'no joke scenario'.
I'd respond with 'the only thing that's a joke round here is your lack of respect for me as your partner and the fact I tolerate it. And it's not fucking funny.'

send the kids out to join him.
sounds like 'crafts'.

I didn’t get past your first post as I’ve seen red I’m afraid. This drives me bloody nuts. DH just decided what he’s going to do and heads off to do it. Does all the novel jobs assuming I’ll do the daily grind. Except I don’t any more. He’s just finished some DIY and now he’s cooking because I refuse to be forced into that role. He will moan about it at some point and when that day inevitably comes I will say, as I’ve said before, then let’s plan who is doing what beforehand. I refuse to bend to his assumption that I will always do the daily grind - he needs to discuss it.

Sounds like the shed should be his new address imo....

That’s a bit… weird

@HotPotato123

on the weekend when you do “nothing” aside from “relaxing”

does your husband also get two days during the week when he does “nothing” aside from “relaxing”?

I wouldn't be married to someone like that. He's awful.

Stop making food for him. He can do it himself.

My XH, the kids' dad used to do this. 'Oh I can't possibly do a THING in the house, because I have to do something pointless and time consuming in the garden/garage/shed because I like mucking about and then pleading that mowing the lawn, sorting paint tins and tidying my tools is EXACTLY the same as you doing all the housework and looking after the kids just like you do all the rest of the time.'
There are many reasons he is an ex, but avoiding doing anything with the kids or in the house (like clearing up mess he made) is a fairly major one.

This sounds awful OP. The falling into gender role thing is OK if it suits, I have often felt like this as Dh does a project. The fact is the project wouldn't get done otherwise and I'm not skilled enough to do it and if I was in the garden the kids would just spend the whole time trying to following me. So in that sense it's not unreasonable that you split time that way. However I would expect anyone to put away the things they take out of the cupboard, put away their plate etc..at an absolute minimum. Calling you a joke, well that's another level altogether. It's nasty and pretty unforgivable.

Short term I think you need to find a similar weekend task, decluttering or something or be gone all day so he minds the kids alone. When you return and have dinner then you tell him how this made you feel and how angry you are at what he called you. Ask him if he thinks he should serve you and clean up after you when you have been in his role for a day. I don't think I could let this go..

DH does all the cooking. I do all the gardening.

Prize bellend. It’s basic respect to wash his own plate and put away all the condiments he’s got out.

I mean obviously he’s unreasonable. And nasty and abusive.

Going outside and doing a shed project - basically a hobby that should only be done with your agreement and at times when he’s not needed elsewhere. It doesn’t count as work, but sounds very satisfying and the very definition of “time to oneself”.

Whilst you have toddler care, tidying up on a loop all day, cooking and cleaner - the very opposite of these things.

Plus he’s actually making extra work for you in creating a zone that the children must be kept away from. It’s really really shit.

My only advice is to get your ducks in a row to leave him as he doesn’t sound like someone who will change:

Absolutely no point in us saying “yes he was unreasonable, you didn’t deserve to be called a joke” if you’re not going to leave.

My narcissistic exh used to use those very words to me. Sadly for my kids, I’ve been told he’s spent the day speaking to his new partner in the same way 😢

If my ex husband had ever spoken to me like that he wouldn't still be alive now.

It sounds like you’re worse than the DH in this scenario, nothing to be proud of.

Our division of labour fell along these lines and I found it very hard during the baby and toddler years. But it was greatly helped by not having a knob for a dh. We both appreciated and respected each other’s contribution and he always checked his plans with me first, and wouldn’t just help himself to free childcare.

He has never spoken to me like that. The disrespect and contempt are appalling.

He’s the joke here, except those jokes haven’t been funny since the 1950s and weren’t all that amusing then either.

How dependent are you on him? What are your finances like?

He's a pig.
I wouldn't be making food for him again.
Awful environment for children hearing their mother belittled like that.
He thinks you are the family skivvy.
Is this essential work outside or is he avoiding the family?
Many men busy themselves in the garden to avoid the demands of family life.

I would be seriously rethinking the relationship as a result of his nasty, abusive contempt of you.
Reach out to family and friends for support.

i wonder if @HotPotato123 will be back to clarify whether her DH gets two days in the week to do “nothing but relax”

In very simple terms, your husband does not respect you. It’s as simple as that.

He's a tool for not clearing up after himself.

He's an absolute twat for calling you a joke. That's so disrespectful and totally out of order. Horrible.

He needs a 'come to Jesus' talk.

I’d go eat my tea in his fucking shed and leave the shit for him to clean up calling him a joke if he called me out.

twat.

He's U for sure. He doing busy work that he enjoys and that I doubt anyone wants or will particularly benefit from other than him, and is framing this as equal to you doing all the necessary work. Some do vague things to their cars. Some go off to screw fix for hours for god knows what. You need to tell him there are other priorities.

I work full time and my husband part time.
i do everything Monday - Friday, including working full time. My husband has his ‘2 days off’ during the week. I am also a carer for a family member, that I go to after work. So I leave the house 9am and don’t get back till 6pm then I do everything.

yes I maybe should have stated that, but why should I? Maybe people on here shouldn’t judge too quickly.

that ok with you and everyone else who commented on me saying that?

women do enough. Maybe we need to take some tips from men and do fucking less.

Please don’t let this man turn you into his slave.
My mum has had to have a talk with my dad about his total lack of help in the house. He’s from that generation of men who have always had everything done for them and he would just fester in filth if it wasn’t for my mum.
It’s not the woman’s job to clean up after a man. Those days are gone.

your husband works “part time” but earns a 6 figure income? and you are a SAHM due to your sibling having ND caring requirements

according to your post the other day 🤨

@HotPotato123

HotPotato123 · 19/09/2024 19:44

My husband earns 6 figures, I don’t work due to caring for a disabled sibling. We own our home outright, a gift from parents. My parents are very wealthy so I imagine we will inherit a lot, one day. Until then, we are fine just plodding along.