To think the one who wakes in the night should sleep a bit later the next morning?

[Oneandaquarter]

DD wakes in the night and she also wakes crazy early at around 5 … AIBU to think DH should get up with her then since I’ve been up in the night?

Also, what is his solution?

He must realise that you are utterly broken after over a year or not having a full night's sleep. Surely he wants to help you and find a solution so you can sleep?

Take turns getting up in the night. Then alternate lie ins at the weekend.

@Dishwashersaurous i know. And I don’t want them to. I know I sound snappy and that’s not the intention, I’m just telling you I’m not interested in convoluted solutions involving me going to bed at insane times which to be honest wouldn’t solve anything. It’s just a question about whether I’m being reasonable to never give DH a lie in!

@Blondeshavemorefun at the moment I’m not making my life harder than it is, end of.

I’ve read all your posts and can’t see where you’ve said why the hell youre not waking your DH up?? He doesn’t hear her but can he really ignore you right next to him, poking him and telling him to get up to see to his child? At least then you don’t have to get out of bed and can close your eyes the minute he gets up, so far less disruptive to your sleep.

You’re not happy about your current situation so he’s gonna have to pull his weight.

Because I want to get back to sleep as soon as I fucking can!

It will be a hell of a lot quicker if you don’t have to get out of bed - ie, tell DH to get out of bed.

Assuming that last post was to me.

You asked about fairness.

And almost everyone is saying the fair thing to do is to split the night waking, and split the lie ins.

You don't want to do that.

Your husband doesn't want to get up at 5am everyday.

What is his suggestion?

@ButterAsADip yeah. If DH woke up. We don’t sleep together so I’d have to get out of bed to wake him anyway and then I’d be awake while he groggily came round and had a wee and then I’d be awake listening to DD crying. I could have her sorted in that time so I’ll carry on doing that no matter how wrong that is in MN eyes.

@Dishwashersaurous everyones telling me what to do despite me repeatedly saying I don’t want to do that - that’s what’s a bit annoying and why I know I’m getting a bit snappy, I’m sorry

I know it’s kindly meant but I don’t want to go to bed at 8 o clock. I go at 9 anyway. I don’t want to lie awake for hours listening to DD cry, i don’t want to be prodding and poking DH at 2 in the morning!

It sounds like you don't room share with DH as you've made comments about having to "go to DHs room".

Perhaps you can clarify this.

If you do share a room with DH, pop some ear plugs in and go to sleep. Let him deal with DD or leave DD to cry it out and sleep train.

I already have but I get people may have missed it. We don’t sleep together.

Yes yes yes. This is totally fair.

Ear plugs in your room

Monitor in dh room turned loud and door open in his room

So would your ideal situation be that DH always gets up at 5?

That seems reasonable to me, so long as you are doing all the night wakings. There has to be a time when you feel fully "off the clock" and know that he's got it, and if that's 5-7am so be it. I'd do the following:
weekdays - you do nights and he does 5am start
weekends, you alternate, or if he simply won't hear them crying in the night and you have to get up, he either sleeps nearer them/uses a monitor, or if there's no way you can sleep through, he then has the 5am start both days.

I might be biased as DH and I both work, our children are older, and to have time for a full day's work and do the school runs and other things, I will always be up at 5 and he will always be up at 6. Obviously at the weekend we can sleep and take it in turns and we don't have night waking any more. But the idea that a 5am start is a hardship for someone who just goes to work seems a bit pathetic.

I also have no sympathy for people who "just don't hear" or don't wake up, to me that signals they aren't fundamentally and subconsciously feeling responsible. What would they do if they were on their own at night?

My remarks might be different if he's a brain surgeon or running an international consultancy and has 15 hour intense shifts, and you get a 2 hour nap time and work 3 mornings a week, or something...but somehow I don't think that's the case here.

At the moment yes.

Then you and DH need to have a proper conversation about how to move forward. No, it's not fair you doing both the night waking and the early mornings but also DD is not a baby and you both need to get this situation sorted out and get on the same page.

You need to be a partnership in resolving this, not at loggerheads which is sooooo hard when you're tired I know but otherwise it won't end.

What do you mean a proper conversation?

I mean, we can’t return the kids, so right now things are as they are. I don’t think DH is sleeping through her waking on purpose any more than she’s waking on purpose but it doesn’t make it any less shit.

I have teens that stay up till after 11 sometimes, and up before 6am with 9yo and 7yo. Bloody exhausting. I was shouting out of frustration this morning, as DH just lies there whilst I need to get up with the younger two.

I get it. You need your rest.

You need to agree how to tackle the lack of sleep.

1. You do all night waking and he does early mornings ( your preference).

1. You alternate night and early mornings.

1. You both sleep train together to get rid of the night wakings.

1. You take it in turns doing both night waking and early mornings and on those nights you put ear plugs in so you don't wake up.

1. His suggestion

I don’t need things listing for me. I’m not an idiot.

Wr can tackle the lack of sleep by having one parent (me) do overnight and the other doing the mornings. Like it says in my title.

Right, we get it, you've made it clear what the solution is. So when will you say to your husband 'you need to do the 5am wakings, this isn't negotiable for me' given that it's what you're set on? Cos at the moment you're wasting time snapping at folk on here

But your husband doesn't agree with your preferred approach, which is why you are asking for advice on mumsnet.

So people are giving advice on options

We used to alternate throughout the night and that fed into the morning. However, he worked away so I did all of it when he was gone. We tried it once for him to do it all so I could have a full night's sleep and he couldn't cope 🤦🏼‍♀️ After that, we learnt to play to our strengths and these days he does morning wake up for me to lie in whenever he's home but I tend to do bedtime. I do think though that if your husband isn't pulling his weight at all then resentment will build super quickly and, even if it's not the nighttime waking, something has to change to ease the load on you.

I’ve told you, I already do it. She wakes at 5/530/whatever (6am today, oh and is refusing to nap, great) and then I take her to DH.

DH is grumbling. He’s tired, he’s so tired. Yawn, tired, yawn.

I asked yesterday if it was reasonable for him to do the early mornings when I’m doing the night wakes. That’s it. And I know I am being snappy, don’t worry, it’s not just here, DH and the kids have been screamed at as well

Oh, so he doesn’t agree

poor lamb

I’ll do it all then?