Would you take on c. 10K debt to have one chance of another child?

[ohcrapimuseless]

Just it really.

Would you take on c. 10k to have the chance of having another child? (likelihood of one round working less than 20%, would need ICSI, multiple health / age risk factors associated with pregnancy loss / infertility / high risk pregnancy).

A friend told me they wanted to do 'everything they could' do assure themselves they had tried to have another baby hence doing rounds of IVF. But they are loaded / piles of inheritance / no mortgage so not needing to take on debt. It's made me feel like I'm not committed to giving my child a sibling and that I can't be sad because I'm not trying hard enough. I can't think straight on this and feel utterly overwhelmed.

YABU - I wouldn't take on that debt for less than 1/5 chance
YANBU - I would take on that debt for less than 1/5 chance

In this exact dilemma at the moment. Currently doing a frozen embryo transfer round of IVF so it's cheaper (£3.5-4k) but it's our last frozen embryo. If this doesn't work I'm not sure.

I would have spent anything to have our first child, but now they're here it's harder to justify more spending on potential heartbreak when that money could go towards giving DC a wonderful, comfortable life.

I wouldn't judge anyone who did though. Infertility is horrific and destroys your mental health, so whatever someone decides is best for them is the right path.

Even if they're getting into debt. If they can service the debt, it's just money, it doesn't really matter especially when you might end up with a hugely loved, wanted baby.

No I wouldn’t. Not for a high risk pregnancy with poor chances of success.

Sending you love and best wishes.

weirdly I think I wouldn’t have done ivf for the first. I think I would have accepted (with great sadness) a child free/less life. Now I feel urgency for my child, and for myself as well but I don’t want my need for another child to be the overriding factor.

basically Ivf feels like v high stakes gambling. I cannot say how much I wish to be someone who could conceive and carry a pregnancy with ease.

I spent £25k on IVF to have my miracle, and I would have kept going until I could beg/steal/borrow no more. And I probably DO mean beg and steal. It was that visceral a need.

For a second child? Absolutely not if it could negatively impact the first. I lost my fertility fully to an ectopic after my first, and tbh there was something positive in that it blocked off the possibility of having a sibling entirely. A tiny amount of hope can be dangerous, I fully believe it. No hope is sometimes easier to handle.

I know secondary infertility can be awful, but I also believe wholeheartedly that it is entirely different to not being a parent at all.

This and please try to stop comparing your situation to your friends. You have stated all the risk factors (irrespective of finance). Only u and your partner can make the decision that is right for u . Once u have made that decision, u need to ride with it and not torture yourselves with ifs and buts.
Enjoy your family life

Have you considered adoption?

im sorry to hear about the ectopic. I totally TOTALLY agree with you about hope - you put it really well. Wishing you and your miracle little one all the best x

Adopt one of the abundance of tiny babies just waiting to be rescued from the children’s home?

Very unusual now.

To have a first child yes; to have a second child no.

It doesn’t need to cost that much?

Agree, tends to be older children now

Agree, tends to be older children now

If I desperately wanted another child and was physically up to it then yes I would, if I was confident I could pay it back.

If I didn't desperately want another baby for myself, just to 'give' my child a sibling then no I wouldn't. I think you need to truly want it for yourselves.

That being said, I think your medical history complicates things a lot and I don't think I would risk it in your specific situation, no.

I've got an only, she's absolutely fine. I'd have liked her to have a sibling but like you my health would have been at risk so we've made peace as a family of three. Having a a strong sibling relationship definitely enriches your life, but so can lots of other things that are within your grasp, it's not the be all and end all 💐

We found ourselves in the position of wanting a large family but facing a lot of fertility issues. We’ve spent around £150k over the last 20 years to have the family we wanted. Some big age gaps , lots of surgeries for me, numerous IVF cycles, 1 ICSI cycle, numerous ovulation induction cycles.

I think personally for me I would try just so I wouldn’t always wonder what if?

@ohcrapimuseless thank you for the kind words 💗 embryo transfer on Thursday so we have everything crossed.

Have you looked at clinics which offer multiple rounds for a set fee? Some even offer unlimited rounds over a set period of time and a partial refund if you don't conceive.

Also consider going abroad for treatment. Cypriot clinics are supposed to have amazing facilities and are cheaper.

I really want to say no, stash the cash for your existing child. But I cannot, because it would be entirely hypocritical.

I took 6 things of ivf, years and a lot of heartbreak as well as a lot of money. But dc2 was totally worth it.

We did ICSI, our chances of conceiving were 3%).

I just read this. My amh was less than 1 , plus male factor. That was before dc1 even. Why would your clinic not have the medical info?

No I wouldn’t, I would adopt instead.

We spent 40K. Although, we didn't get into dept. We had a choice a house deposit or a baby. My DC1 was my last frozen embryo. Our last ditch attempt. Would I have got 10k into dept? Absolutely. Would I do it with your risk factors? Hell no. Your allowed to be sad about it. It's not the life you thought you would have.

I did for first child. Won’t for a second. Happy with that decision.

I think - and maybe I’m just being ill informed here - that it would be difficult to transfer all my medical records to a clinic abroad? I’m basing that on the fact that the NHS seem to be unable to have a full set of my records if I go to different hospitals in the same trust…

some people mentioned adoption. I / my partner have always thought about fostering particularly (it links to both our jobs). So this is something we may apply / train to do when our child is a bit older. Likewise adoption. But those decisions are big big ones and I would want to be in a very stable place before taking further steps - it would have to be a positive decision to want to apply to adopt rather than a backstop because ivf wasn’t affordable or do able.

Sorry @Snugglemonkey can I ask was IVF successful with your AMH? The consultant made me feel a bit like 2 was game over!

If your previous pregnancy was considered highly life threatening to you - I assume another pregnancy would be too? In which case no I wouldn't. If there was a low risk of complications I probably would.

But to be honest this is something only you and your partner can decide. We are all different. it doesn't matter what your friend is doing. No option is wrong. You have to do what is best for your and your existing family.