Would you take on c. 10K debt to have one chance of another child?

[ohcrapimuseless]

Just it really.

Would you take on c. 10k to have the chance of having another child? (likelihood of one round working less than 20%, would need ICSI, multiple health / age risk factors associated with pregnancy loss / infertility / high risk pregnancy).

A friend told me they wanted to do 'everything they could' do assure themselves they had tried to have another baby hence doing rounds of IVF. But they are loaded / piles of inheritance / no mortgage so not needing to take on debt. It's made me feel like I'm not committed to giving my child a sibling and that I can't be sad because I'm not trying hard enough. I can't think straight on this and feel utterly overwhelmed.

YABU - I wouldn't take on that debt for less than 1/5 chance
YANBU - I would take on that debt for less than 1/5 chance

Someone asked about age - I’m 40. My amh is 2 (! Which I’ve been informed isn’t just low, but the low end of low) plus male factor infertility plus gynaecological issues. Only one of my ovaries is functioning. My daughter was conceived without assistance but that was 4 years ago when both ovaries / tubes were working.

the clinic has a high rep but yes I suspect it’s more expensive than others. Going abroad etc isn’t an option I’d feel safe with. I have a v. complicated medical history and would be very worried about clinicians treating me not having access to all that information.

I absolutely wouldn't. It's a lot of debt to get into for something with a high chance of something going wrong. I'd caveat this with the fact that my husband and I had decided as a couple that if we couldn't conceive naturally, we wouldn't have kids at all, but I guess for someone who does go down that route, could they trust themself to stop after one failure, or would it be "just one more try... just one more try..."

Yes I spent best part of £40k, re mortgaged house (additional borrowing over 20 years) and a bank loan (5 years)

Wasn't worth it? Absolutely yes. It's only money

We chose not to.

I’d already had a fair few miscarriages before DS though, and I couldn’t face spending £6k (as it was then), having IVF, getting pregnant, and then miscarrying again. Five years later I remain sad not to have a second child, but still think I definitely made the right decision re: IVF.

I would suggest posting on the Infertility board here mentioning your stats @ohcrapimuseless . Lots of posters there are having IVF and someone may have been successful in a similar situation 🤞I really hope you can be one of the lucky ones, you never know.

But I was 40 when I conceived and had an amh of about 6 I think - plus a good FSH and follicle count back then and no other known fertility issues or male issue (as I used donor sperm as a SMBC). It still took me 2 IVF rounds of multiple transfers to conceive (after multiple failed IUI’s too). They eventually told me it really was a case of finding a good egg - and that it gets harder as you get older to get one (so apparently they weren’t surprised at all the failures at my age and I just needed to keep trying - of course they didn’t mention that before I started treatment! 🤣).

Please read your final paragraph - scared of leaving your daughter with no-one. If you got pregnant and it was as traumatic as with your DD , you could leave her with no-one. Only children get on just as well in life as those with siblings and having siblings doesn’t guarantee they will get on and be friends ( plenty of examples of strained family relationships / NC on mumsnet) so DD may still end up alone.

if you look at the cumulative odds the treatment only gives a 1 in five chance of success, what are the odds of a subsequent pregnancy being as tough as your first - statistically higher following a first trauma so combining those odds it’s a very high risk strategy to end up with failure or worse ( life changing illness or even death). If the pregnancy is successful, what would you do if the DC was seriously ill / had disabilities which required life long support and one of you had to give up work ? You said the debt would be repayable if your financial situation stayed the same - one income less would blow this up. Treatment will also put strain on your existing relationship with your DD & DH.

If it were me I would be putting my energy ( and funds) into enjoying my existing DD, building life long memories with her and cherishing the family unit you currently have.

A friend of mine remortgaged the house and spent £40k on IVF which wasn't successful (for her second baby). It was terribly difficult to stop (just one more go) until the money literally ran out. I think she needed to go through it to get closure, but I don't think she'd be able to say it was worth it.

Listen, my DD is an only, likely to never have any cousins. She’s 8. I’m 46. I would have loved to have had another, but we won’t. And that’s ok. Familial ties aren’t everything - we often refer to our friends and their kids as her aunties / uncles / cousins. Took me a while to accept, but I have.

I had a hard won, but relatively easy pregnancy. I couldn’t even consider another pregnancy given all the issues you’ve described. The risk of leaving your child without a mother is far too high. Focus on your beautiful child, accept that there will be some hard / tearful conversations when your child asks for a sibling, but please know that you’re not the only person to struggle with this. And most importantly, your child will be ok. The conversations are invariably harder on us parents than on the child asking for a brother / sister.

It sounds like you need some real and specific counselling around the birth trauma though - your money would be better spent on that, I think?

Really wishing all the best for you OP 💐💐💐

Absolutely not. Have two amazing children who are adopted. 10k debt is a huge amount of debt and then to not have a child aswell. I appreciate this is some people's decision, but I never felt the need to have a genetic child. Also are my genes that great? I am short and dumpy... does any child need that?

Yes I would. I always felt that I wanted to give my kids siblings. Not sure why I'm not at all close to one of mine and much older than the other. Anyhow, I have three kids who are very close. We were definitely poorer for having three, when they were young anyway, but that was okay. They didn't care and they've always had fun together.

Actually, no. Having read your update re being high risk, definitely not. At 40 I'd also be thinking about the higher risk of additional needs, in terms of the lack of extended family support.

Sorry OP. I'd take the low odds of success but not the higher risk to yourself and the impact on your existing child

If I had no children, then yes I would.

If I had one or more children already, no I wouldn’t.

I probably would take on the debt if it were my only chance yes.....because everyone is unique and the odds are probably not directly applicable to you. Took a few goes at IVF for our first and then it worked, second was a natural surprise/shock after many failed IVf's. Would it have happened without the IVF attempts? No idea but you've got and take your chances whilst you have them! IVF might have kick started my natural fertility. 2 girls later and I certainly wouldn't chance a thing!

Yes I would. With a solid plan for paying off the debt within a couple of years.

In the scale of things, £10k is a drop in the ocean of the cost of raising a child. One of ours is costing that a year in uni accommodation and top up spending money. It's about the cost of what my cousin is spending on childcare and £10k the cost of a reasonable second hand car or a couple of family holidays abroad.

1 child is a blessing of course, and you are lucky and blessed! But don't ever let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting more. It's natural and normal to want a sibling. Whilst your fertility struggles serve to highlight how lucky you are to have a child, you do not need to feel guilty for wanting a sibling. And you absolutely do need to know that you did your utmost to get one!

I wouldn't get into debt for it, no OP. I might have taken it from very healthy savings though. It's really difficult to say until in that situation. I think I would have gotten into debt for one child though, otherwise I'd have always thought "What if..." But then where does IVF stop? I'd find it hard to know when to stop as I'd constantly think "What if the next round is the one?"

Really hope you are happy or rather at peace with whatever choice you make.

It’s so variable though - for some people, a debt of £10k could be paid back easily and quickly, for others it may be impossible. Personally I would, as we could repay it by cutting down on luxuries/holidays over the next 2-3 years. I had to remortgage to afford my last maternity leave, due to the nature of my job.

If there was a risk to my health that could potentially mean leaving my existing DC motherless, it would be a no.

In this context you would be carzy to even consider it.
Enjoy being alive and with your daughter.

Enjoy what you have..enjoy life.

I was in that position (had 3 year old DC) and decided against it because I was worried about the mental/emotional effects (and hormonal mental/emotional effects). My first pregnancy was a nightmare and I was still suffering from lack of sleep. It was a difficult decision.

I took out a similarly-sized loan to train for a new career instead, which turned out well.

However, I might have chosen differently had I the support I felt I needed and if I'd been feeling healthier and happier. It really is entirely up to you. We're all different.

Make sure all your decisions are based on you, your daughter and your partner 's needs, not driven by envy of your friend. There is always someone for whom everything seems easier. Focusing on yourself will make it easier to live with whatever the outcome is.

Absolutely this.
If you are also going to be a very high risk pregnancy you need to consider the impact on your whole family if your baby has health complications etc.
I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make op. Good luck x

This. It depends how much you want it.

You also have to consider it may not be born healthy and require full time care which would make debt harder to pay back.