Would you take on c. 10K debt to have one chance of another child?

[ohcrapimuseless]

Just it really.

Would you take on c. 10k to have the chance of having another child? (likelihood of one round working less than 20%, would need ICSI, multiple health / age risk factors associated with pregnancy loss / infertility / high risk pregnancy).

A friend told me they wanted to do 'everything they could' do assure themselves they had tried to have another baby hence doing rounds of IVF. But they are loaded / piles of inheritance / no mortgage so not needing to take on debt. It's made me feel like I'm not committed to giving my child a sibling and that I can't be sad because I'm not trying hard enough. I can't think straight on this and feel utterly overwhelmed.

YABU - I wouldn't take on that debt for less than 1/5 chance
YANBU - I would take on that debt for less than 1/5 chance

There's no obligation to give your DC a sibling. Lots of people decide to have a single child.

However is £10k debt a lot to you? How long is it likely to take you to pay back? It's not great odds.

Debt, no
savings, possibly

No, we have one child after infertility and will attempt to have another. But I wouldn't put myself in debt or risk my wellbeing for it.

I spent £15k on IVF in the 90s. Didn’t work. Didn’t need to go to debt though as had some inheritance from my father who died when I was 17.

I also have an only child via IVF and I’m almost in the same position - but if my last frozen embryo doesn’t work (and there’s only a very small chance) then I’ve decided I’ll just have to try to think more positively about the benefits of having an only DC. I would have got myself into debt to have children in the first place but I don’t think it’s fair on the child you have now to do the same to have a second one.

Its fine if you are wealthy and can afford multiple rounds which gives you the best chance - but older age/ or other fertility issues AND can barely afford 1 round (as in my case too), then from a practical point of view it seems a bit crazy. I do understand where you are coming from emotionally though - as I said, I will likely be in the same situation soon

Will all the hormones and procedures of IVF impact on your quality of interaction with your first child?

Absolutely not but then I wouldn’t for a first either. Children were never a must for me.

Thanks all. More views very welcome.

For information: It's probably pay back-able, for me/us. So long as jobs stay the same, we don't save for the future for a bit and no huge unexpected expenses.

My daughter was very hard won (3 + years TTC, including loss, and a lot of surgery). The pregnancy and birth were v high risk and complicated with a lot of in / out hospital, under fetal medicine etc. I know this is said a lot, but it isn't an exaggeration to say it was a life threatening birth both for me and my daughter. We are lucky to be here.

I have a tiny family. I'm estranged from my parents. I'm scared of leaving my daughter with no-one. She has no cousins on my side of the family. I'm also scared of using up the resources we have for nothing or worse (illness, death).

i think it would depend on a few factors

a) was 1 natural of assisted +
b) the health conditions (some can be overstated by drs, I for instance was told I’d never conceive naturally due to irregular periods and dh having 3% morphology, we ended up having 2 children naturally)
c) if there was any chance of conceiving naturally
d) the clinic and the reputation of the clinic, if it was the best in the area etc
e) if there was anything I could do to boost the odds of success
f) if there was anything I could do to reduce cost, some do refund cycles of ivf if not successful and some do multi cycle or egg donation to reduce cost
g) my age
h) how much I really really wanted another child
i) my overall financial situation

so in my very specific circumstances where despite being told I’d need Icsi, I conceived naturally, and I was in my early 30s. No I wouldn’t.

BUT my circumstances aren’t yours

I had this scenario. It was a conversation in our house. We had no savings and after several miscarriages were considering our options. A friend of mine spent 30k 15 years ago on several attempts, the last of which resulted in twins. As far as I know that 30k is still being paid off the credit cards. We planned to do the same but then after 3 miscarriages I was diagnosed with a clotting condition. Less than 20% positive outcome without treatment. Before my successful pregnancy I was absolutely ready to spend whatever it cost. We discussed it again when I had a further miscarriage when our little boy was a toddler. We had the savings in this case but ultimately decided not to. I had other options though and the issue for me was my blood, which wasn’t something ICSI would have been able to combat.

I would have definitely given it strong consideration if it had been my last option. I was nearly 39 when I had baby 1 and nearly 42 with baby 2 so it’s not like I could take my time thinking about it.

Yes, probably. I have endometriosis. I have experienced v poor mental health in the last years (PND and tbh probably some level of post natal psychosis and OCD based on what happened). I can't see how pumping my body full of hormones wouldn't affect me a lot. Having said that I'm very used to high levels of pain and discomfort.

Also, I spend a lot of time feeling v sad anyway about wanting another child and dreading the day she asks about a sibling.

if it was for my first yes, but for second no.

plus i wouldnt risk my life again and to potentially leave a child without a mother.

your daughter wont be 'left alone' she will make friends, she will have a partner down the line and possibly create her own family one day.

i have a brother, zero relationship with him.

Yes I probably would. It's not a huge amount of money and at least you'll know you tried. I left it very late for my second and we were fortunate that when the pregnancy stuck it was fairly straightforward. I would have paid 10k to have a second baby if I'd been presented with that choice pre baby and not knowing if I was going to have one or not.

Depends on your age I think and the age of your dc. It's a lot of money but in the big scheme of things it's the same as a car.. and you don't know how much you will earn in the future and it may be a big regret? However you can have a fab life with one kid...you have a lot of freedom ! Siblings aren't guaranteed to get along. Hope you get some resolution x

It sounds like you are in tough place mentally OP I would weigh up what would make you feel worse - trying and likely failing but knowing that you’d tried (albeit “losing” the money) or accepting the odds are too low and using the money for your DD instead.

For me, the answer to the question is a bit more obvious from a practical point of view - I’m 43 and from a statistical perspective the chances of a single round working are slim to none (because you’d need a lot of embryos at that age in order to get just 1 euploid embryo- and I only make a few embryos each round). I just can’t afford the 2 or 3 rounds I’d likely need to stand a chance of it actually working 😢

If you are even a few years younger with a high follicle count/good amh etc then I can see why the decision is tougher, whether to risk that 1 round.

But I just noticed (if I’m understanding correctly) - was your DD conceived naturally (albeit after a long time/losses?) If that’s the case, then no, I don’t think I’d risk a single round of IVF if it would put me into debt - simply because what clinics don’t tell you is that it can sometimes take a 2nd round in order to find what medications/dosage level works best for you. I didn’t have my son until my 2nd lot of IVF - they said my egg quality was much better the 2nd time around when they used different medications. IVF can be trial and error until they know how you respond to the meds.

Why 10k? I did IVF abroad for more than half that. What is the reason for your infertility, and how old are you? We did IVF at 32 and had male factor infertility. Our chances were incredibly good (and proved correct). The stats are just an average, it really depends on your individual situation.

The OP says it would be ICSI not normal IVF so the costs are higher.

@Runningupthecurtains yes ours was ICSI. We had male factor, so it's always ICSI.

Same.

If it was £50k, it would take a lot more consideration. £10k is not crazy money.

If £10k "worked" then obviously, fantastic.

If it didn't, I think I'd be more at peace with having at least tried and been unsuccessful than never to have tried at all.

No, spend your money on the child you already have.

I must admit though I've never understood this need to give siblings. There is nothing wrong with having 1 child.

I chose not to. But that was our personal choice and it was right for us (bar the odd twinge of regret that DS is an only) but I firmly believe that regret would be greater if there was still no DC 2 and also 10k of debt (we don't buy cars holidays etc on credit so for us it would be unusual to have that level of debt). But because it was my choice and right for me it doesn't mean it should be anyone else's.

Yes 100% you'll never get this chance again, we only regret in life the things we don't do. Go for it. Less than a 10% chance for us and we got lucky.

Just want to say, OP, you're under no obligation to give your child a sibling. Mine's an only child too, and not by choice - but tbh, looking at him with his friends and his life with us, I honestly think he's fine, and he's going to be fine.

Under these circumstances with the likelihood of a very high risk pregnancy then I absolutely would not.

I haven’t read the whole thread but purely thinking of finances I would not underestimate the impact a second child could have on your finances especially if you have had a difficult pregnancy in the past.

Would you still be able to comfortably pay off the dept if you only had one income?