Would you "settle" when it comes to a partner

[Beezknees]

Met up with DM and a friend of hers today. The friend is single (divorced) and in her 60s with grown up kids. She has recently been dating somebody who is very into her but she doesn't feel a romantic spark on her side. She said she is considering on "settling" for him anyway due to her age and that she has things she wants to do (travelling, etc) and wants to share the experiences with somebody rather than do it alone.

It got me thinking, do many people do this? Could you see yourself doing it?

I am single myself and couldn't imagine just settling but I'm only in my mid 30s so I suppose it's a different situation. If you are in your 60s and do want to meet somebody it might be harder.

Yes many settle for people who they don’t have a spark with and sometimes it turns out well especially where both of them feel they are “settling” and are aware their partner is too so it’s quite “equal” in that sense.

Even people in their mid 30s, and much younger do this. I’m just slightly older than you Op, and it’s definitely a thing among many people I know.

Based on the kind of person I am, I couldn’t “settle” for someone I didn’t really click with and someone who I didn’t feel emotionally connected to in a romantic sense, so it’s a no for me.

But each to their own. Tbh I’m low key jealous of people who can do that as it must make finding a partner so much easier lol

I just couldn’t bring myself to do it though.

It depends what you mean by settling, and what you’re looking for in a relationship, to be honest. Personally I value friendship, kindness and a common outlook and interests over shooting stars, butterflies in my stomach and a belief in soul mates. but others will disagree. You do have to at least fancy them a bit though, I think.

What does she mean by 'settling'? There are plenty of people who would love a companion, someone to travel with, go on dates, share their day. There's a lot of loneliness out there.

Interesting I had 2 colleagues discussing this yesterday. Both divorced.
They are literally lookin for partners for financial security.
I was rather horrified to be honest as both admit they like being alone but just want an easier time.
( they are in professional jobs btw so not exactly uneducated or low earners).

Nope. Would much rather be alone and very happy to go on solo adventures and live my best life than be with someone who wasn’t going to add anything to my life apart from a roommate

I settled for someone who seemed nice and who my parents approved of. It was the most boring few years I've ever had. Mainly because he refused to fly or go abroad, and expected me to give up my job when we got married (shame we didn't talk about it before planning a big day). I vowed I'd never settle again, and I didn't.
I was able to go on holiday and do all the things I'd wanted to do, on my own. I don't think the lack of a partner should stop you from doing the things you want to do. If the chemistry is so mismatched as you seem to suggest, you won't be happy with him.

Could have written this myself. It can be a very positive experience, being independent and self sufficient. And holidays for solo travellers are great

I bet those colleagues were female!

Me too and have been on many a solo city break. Considering a group touring holiday when DS leaves for uni in 2 years.

Yes it’s very common. I do believe it can work out if both parties are respectful and have a genuine affection for each other even if it’s not head over heels romance.

However as we see in these threads sometimes it leads to what is clearly abusive situations. eg. You get so many women on here saying their 55+ year old new boyfriend is trying to muscle their way into their home and assets and getting them to remortgage or something crazy.

And then they tell us a backstory which shows it’s clear the man (or woman) clearly just got with them for financial security/domestic help etc

This is an extreme situation but there was a children’s author who was killed about 8 years ago. She was very well off newly widowed women who sadly got with an evil twisted guy who didn’t care about her at all, but had his eyes on her money and later killed her.

I watched a true crime about it and what struck me was when he made the call to the police to report her as missing was he couldn’t answer many questions about her eye colour, height, DOB etc. he literally just saw her as an ATM the whole time.

Of course most partners will not kill you in these situations, but they may show the same lack of regard for getting to know and love you for who you are if they’re purely focused on the practical benefits of being with you.

There seems to be much more of a risk of this happening where it’s the man who has “settled”

My boyfriend and I love each other deeply. We have an amazing time together, in and out of the bedroom. We have the same life goals, the same values and enjoy similar things. We are very happy together. But I initially settled for him.

We're both late 30s and both want a family. We've known each other for a long time and were good friends for quite a while before getting together. He had feelings for me before I had feelings for him.

I am happy I settled. We're having an amazing time together and doing lots of activities which are much easier enjoyed as a couple. We're both very, very happy. I could imagine spending the rest of my life with him and I can see him as the father of my future children, something I have never seen a man as before. And I do love him in a romantic sense now.

Some of my better more settled relationships have been with men I didn't have a massive passion for but I liked them.

Liking someone's company can make a happier relationship than a grand passion where expectations on both sides run too high. Don't knock it, sometimes it's best to have a friend you have fun with and whose company you value.

Yes plenty of people settle, especially if they want children and feel time is not on their side.

Some people have an unhealthy idea of what a good relationship looks like. What some people view as ‘sparks’ and ‘passion’ is actually drama, jealousy and borderline red flags.

Love, respect, kindness, laughter, friendship and companionship - these values can be underrated by people caught up in a cycle of mistaking drama for love.

I think a lot of people settle but manage to convince themselves otherwise.

I'm 61 and single. I can't imagine settling now.

Maybe when the race to have children was on, there was more of an excuse, but to spend my retirement years with someone who wasn't right - just no!

I have plenty of female friends who will be up for travelling.

Nope. I'd rather be single than settle. I dont think thats very nice/respectful to the other person either- imagine how you'd feel knowing someone "settled" for you.

Yuck.

I dont get it really- why not just be friends with them? its not like you can only go abroad or spend time doing activities with only a romantic partner, you can do all those things with friends too if you get on well but there is no spark there.

Everyone settles to some extent.
Unless you believe you have one perfect soulmate out there somewhere, and then you believe you have found him. Which is clearly bollocks.
No one is perfect. Some people are great. There is something that could be bettered in every single prospective partner out there. And some fools reject great in the hope of perfect.

I settled and it’s a mixed bag. Been together over ten years now. On the one hand he is a much better companion than any man I actually fancied has ever been. We have lots in common and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him. I am not someone who can live alone or with someone I don’t really connect with so it works on that level.

However I truly am not attracted to him at all and actually repulsed by him. I used to love sex before I met him and now I dread it. Overall I think I’m more content than when I was single but it’s obviously not what I hoped for and the thought that my enjoyment of sex is over in my thirties (when I am still quite conventionally attractive too) is hard to accept.

It really depends on what settling means. As long as I wasn’t turned off by them physically then I think I could settle if I thought they had potential to be a good partner. I made a lot of mistakes in my love life because I put sexual attraction (getting that ‘lovesick’ feeling) at the top of the list. That was a big mistake and something I would change if I could go back in time.

Just to add, it’s never actually going to happen as I am voluntarily staying single for the rest of my life now and very happy to do so (in my 60s). What I really need is a gay male best friend I can do all the things you can do with a partner except sex is not on the cards.

There are other issues in our relationship too. He takes absolutely no initiative with kids / house / his personal care and I find myself doing things I swore I never would like cleaning his shit off the toilet because he won’t use a toilet brush no matter how often he’s told. Reminding him to cut his toenails and he still doesn’t do it unless i sit him down and watch him. Tiny penis and is terrible at sex even if I did fancy him, and he cannot be taught. I’ve tried. It’s ridiculous.

At the same time, I can talk to him for hours and when he is out I look forward to him coming home. I never had that with any man in the past. Our sense of humour is identical too.

It's easy to rewrite history and say that you settled when at the time it had a lot going for it I think.

I do think divorces between people who fundamentally think they compromised too much can be the bitterest of all.

I do know a couple who I think both settled to some extent because they agreed they wanted to try and have a child above all, and they seem to have grown together and are very happy. It must help if you are nice people.

I’m around the same age as the friend and would be even less inclined to ‘settle’ than I was in my 30s, and I didn’t ‘settle’ then either 🤷🏼‍♀️

My first thought when I saw this was Charlotte Lucas from Pride & Prejudice.

What does she mean by 'settling'?

That would be my question too.

I've been in two relationships where I 'settled' and both completely killed my sex drive. I simply can't get it up for a nice guy who I don't fancy.

So now I would rather stay single than settle.

I'm mid-30s.