Would you "settle" when it comes to a partner

[Beezknees]

Met up with DM and a friend of hers today. The friend is single (divorced) and in her 60s with grown up kids. She has recently been dating somebody who is very into her but she doesn't feel a romantic spark on her side. She said she is considering on "settling" for him anyway due to her age and that she has things she wants to do (travelling, etc) and wants to share the experiences with somebody rather than do it alone.

It got me thinking, do many people do this? Could you see yourself doing it?

I am single myself and couldn't imagine just settling but I'm only in my mid 30s so I suppose it's a different situation. If you are in your 60s and do want to meet somebody it might be harder.

I don't think marrying someone because they're kind of companionable rather than because of mad sexual chemistry is settling. It's just realising what long-term love is, rather than short-term "passion".

Settling happens when your reasons for marrying someone have nothing to do with who they are as an individual person. Your motivations are extrinsic to them and "anyone will do". Whether it's because you want kids or feel family pressure to settle down or just want the social status of being in a couple. And they don't know you feel that way.

I have no sympathy and quite a lot of contempt for people who settle in that way, because you're essentially just using another human being to get what you want, with no actual feeling for them.

Thank you for articulating what I think better than I am able to.

its interesting @gannett I guess people have different definitions of what it means to settle.

What you said made me think of this guy I was talking when I was on dating apps. He was being very vague and I think deliberately hard to understand due to lack of emotional availability.

So I asked him directly what he valued in a woman, as in what qualities he was looking for and the only thing he could come up with was “one that stays” he wasn’t even joking AFAIK.

Of course I unmatched the next day as I was so put off by his attitude. He didn’t mention kindness or humour or sass or intelligence. All he was looking for was a wife that will not leave him.

The problem is men like that eventually get bored with those women since they didn’t pick her based on anything individual to her, and then they’ll treat her badly or leave.

No one is saying anything less than 'mad sexual chemistry' is settling. But not being sexually attracted to your partner IS settling. How could it not be. You are forgoing a key part of a relationship (for the vast majority of people) because the partner has other attributes that you also value.

You see it really does come down to definition. A friend of mine has been single for 15 years because for her, anything less than the list of attributes she has in her head is ‘settling’. She uses exactly this term. She has rejected so many seemingly nice men for what seem to me to be arbitrary reasons. I think if she was happy being single then fine, crack on, but she isn’t.

When I say arbitrary reasons I’m including:
His shoes
Way he walked
Too low earner
Too posh
Too short
Job as a musician meant he would ‘definitely cheat’ (no evidence of this).

Maybe she just has a high ick threshold, and that’s fine, but what she considers ‘settling’ I would term a refusal to compromise. Again, up to her, that’s what she wants. But it’s a different definition of settling from others on this thread.

I have a couple of friends that settled (ones DH pursued her for 6 yrs until she eventually gave in. The other refused to let us meet her partner because he was larger/bald and short - her words). They wanted children and felt it was the right time. The men adored them so they got married. They seem happy. None of my business ultimately what they chose to do with their lives but we all know that the men wouldn't have been what they would have chosen looks/romantic spark wise.

It depends what you mean by settling for someone.

I don’t really see a problem with someone (particularly if a certain age) taking up with someone who they find agreeable, get on well with, who they care about (and vice versa), and with whom they share common interests, but who perhaps doesn’t get their pulse racing.

Thats completely different to someone who is 30 taking up with an abusive waste of oxygen because any man is better than no man.

It all depends on the circumstances.

‘Settling’ is a weird one.
If you we were all trying to find our perfect Prince Charming then settling would be realistic. If we were settling for someone who is bad for us in order to not be alone, then not so much

I hate to say it but I think settling is very different at age 60 than 30. Not always but often the energy isn’t there to be out several evenings a week meaning more nights at home on your own. When you know that’s permanent it can feel very lonely. Confidence sometimes dwindles so having someone to travel with helps. Lots of things are different.

In this example it might suit them both to settle. She’d be foregoing the spark (which she might never find elsewhere) and despite feeling very keen on her, he would know she didn’t feel the same about him. But they each might still be happier together than alone.

I think many people settle for their partner but they also have no idea that they also settled. People like to big themselves up sometimes and I blame social media for that.

There are people who actively like to live alone (or say they do) but for the majority, it's more normal to 'pair up'. If you can choose somebody kind and patient who has more or less the same values as you then I think you're winning.

Me too. When my last relationship broke up I decided I really didn’t want to tread that path again. It’s been nearly ten years since I felt anything emotionally or physically towards someone and I can’t imagine me ever doing so again.

I’m in my early 60s now, not looking and all my future plans and dreams don’t include a partner. I’ve never had so much peace of mind since I swore off relationships and I’ve no inclination to change that.

I think most people have to compromise a little but love isn't the area to compromise on!

It always surprises me how many people are happy to settle because they don't want to be old and lonely. In my experience the loneliest older people I have known have been the ones who were married for a long time and then widowed. Most women will outlive their husbands, many by a long time. I think it's harder to cope with that when you've spent a long time as part of a couple. I definitely wouldn't 'settle' to avoid it.