Would you "settle" when it comes to a partner

[Beezknees]

Met up with DM and a friend of hers today. The friend is single (divorced) and in her 60s with grown up kids. She has recently been dating somebody who is very into her but she doesn't feel a romantic spark on her side. She said she is considering on "settling" for him anyway due to her age and that she has things she wants to do (travelling, etc) and wants to share the experiences with somebody rather than do it alone.

It got me thinking, do many people do this? Could you see yourself doing it?

I am single myself and couldn't imagine just settling but I'm only in my mid 30s so I suppose it's a different situation. If you are in your 60s and do want to meet somebody it might be harder.

No, I wouldn't. I make my own money, I have lots of friends and interests, I didn't want children in the abstract that much and principally had them because I had a partner I wanted them with specifically. The only thing I'd need a romantic partner for is sex, and I'd rather see people for sex casually and holiday with friends than hook up with someone I wasn't that into just to have someone. The only point of a partner would be that they actively enhanced my life, which they'd only do if I was genuinely into them.

I've seen lots of compromise on ideals.

An instance I witnessed of proper settling was a woman who had a young daughter with a disability. I suppose you do what you need to for your kids.

if i was that age then id settle,

@ginasevern I'm in my 50s and still have three adventurous female single friends. Maybe I'm weird. Two that were never married (but had other relationships) and one who is recently divorced. My mum and I used to go and I'm preparing DD to travel with me. We've already done one trip together without DH.

I know, of course, that it's different to come home to someone. But I'm suggesting that women can support and travel together, regardless of relationship status. Men do it, after all. Bloody golf or football trips and all that cobblers.

I've settled because I wanted to have kids. I don't regret it. Of course I wish I could have met someone who really loved me and me them. However the harsh reality is, some of us aren't particularly attractive and have personalities that aren't that great either. And we just aren't going to meet that person.

I always think it's quite arrogant when people say they settled for their partner. Like they've put themselves on a level above them or something.

I've done it twice and it's fine for years but eventually just becomes impossible to maintain. I'm newly single again at 39 and determined never to do it again!

Same here.

I think it massively depends, as others have said, on what constitutes settling/a big compromise. How many compromises equal settling? Everyone's different.

After divorcing an appallingly abusive husband and approaching 50, my expectations when dating were extremely low in terms of wealth/gifts/holidays etc. But it was non-negotiable that anyone I met had to be good for my kids, kind, intelligent and solvent (not so that I would benefit from their money, but so that I wouldn't be bankrolling anyone - I was barely making ends meet by myself).

My now dh met nearly all my criteria and certainly all the important ones. He's incredibly kind, clever, funny, supportive, loving and I love him dearly. Sex is definitely a big area of compromise (but not due to lack of desire either way, which helps somehow and I'm hopeful we can improve on that as time goes on). Smaller ones are general domestic laziness and being a low earner with no financial security - he never bought a house but rented and travelled, but entirely valid choices for his life - he has no dc of his own and has always worked. He puts every penny he earns into the household funds and (exh doesn't pay any maintenance for the kids), he steps up and ensures he pays for anything that we as a family need, despite this leaving him short of funds for anything he might want. Are there things I'd change about him? Yes, and doubtless he'd say the same about me. Would I want anyone else? Nope. 100% looking forward to getting old with this one!

I think some people are just not relationship types, so any relationship they do have will leave them feeling dissatisfied.

I can't actually think of anyone I know who settled to be honest and I only know about 2 people in my whole circle of friends, family etc who have ever been divorced. Most people seem happy with their partners as am I, together 28 years and still very much in love.

no i couldn't i tried but it wasn't for me
after leaving a very abusive relationship i met a lovely man kind considerate always telling me i looked lovely and would do anything i asked but ......
the sex was awful i didn't enjoy kissing him and he didn't brush his teeth unless i commented on his breath

i had to end it as i felt it was unfair to stay with him knowing how i felt
ive been single for 3 years now and i'm so happy and contented with my life i have no intention of being with anyone ever again
i'm 56 for me my family and friends are all i need

I considered it (30s, wanted kids but unlikely to happen now due to surprise medical issue). Glad I didn't. I had found a couple of potentials and they were kind, clever, successful, worked away sometimes. No click though. Maybe something minor that I found a bit off-putting. And that made me recoil actually more than a few several-daters with chemistry who turned out genuinely awful. Not that I would tolerate awful, but that's a clear 'no', I think settling seems logical but wouldn't be right for me longer term hence the stronger gut reaction telling me to leave it.

As a 60 year old wanting to travel and find companionship, why not? I don't see why they would need to combine finances or make a huge commitment as long as she's not expecting to pay for his travel too. She could have a series of nice boyfriends, or go on group trips and maybe meet someone away.

Good point but I do know that there are some women for whom financial status is a primary consideration when seeking/finding a male partner.
BTW, I am single and financially independent ( not wealthy but stable) so have never 'needed to be partnered up' for financial security. Although as a single parent, there have been previous torturous financial hardship that would have been relieved with a partner.

Lucky you!

Lovely story, thanx for sharing

You both sound lovely and I am glad that u have found each other, much deserved for all

Thank you so much :) It was one of the proudest moments of my life when eldest dd gave a speech at our wedding and thanked him for "showing me I don't need to be scared of men". Not a dry eye in the house and it meant the absolute world to him. A huge part of my love for him is down to his love for my girls.

I think it depends on your circumstances and previous relationships. People who married someone they had a spark with that burned out would seek security. Those that went for security with less passion that didn’t work out may want that later in life.
I’m in my 40s now. I married someone more for their personality, I was never that physically attracted to him. Long story short, he wasn’t really who he presented himself to be. I realised at some point I’d rather be single than married to him, even if it meant I’d potentially be alone forever. I started dating again after a while. It wasn’t a great start! Several bad dates and last minute cancellations! But then I met my OH. Attraction off the charts! I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel like this about someone. The compromise is that we live an hour apart and won’t be able to move in together any time soon.
I’m glad I took the leap to be single again. I’d do it again even if I hadn’t met OH.

I hit 38 and realised my dream of meeting mr perfect was unrealistic.

DH is kind, dependable and solvent. We’ve made a good team together and don’t regret a thing.

I wouldn't say that accepting a partner that isn't perfect is settling. After all, noone is. To me settling implies a sort of contempt for your partner. Seeing them as below your standards but someone who you can use for a means to what you want (children/financial stability etc).

I wonder if a lot of people who have affairs are those that have consciously settled. I can imagine that it must be a lot easier to have your head turned if you already feel like your partner isn't up to parr and you meet someone who ticks all of the boxes

People who married someone they had a spark with that burned out would seek security.

But the two aren't mutually exclusive. I think there's a weird assumption here that you can't have passion with good men who treat you well but I don't think that's true.

The two times I settled I absolutely did not have contempt for my partner. They just didn't do it for me sexually. The relationships were actually great in every other respect and only fell apart when it became impossible to ignore the mismatched sex drives.

I think it depends on how you look at things and what you actually want.

You can either go for someone who is what you want (tall, rich, calm, ambitious, etc), or you can go for someone who is good FOR you. I don't think these things often overlap.

Someone who is shy, timid, introverted, etc, might want someone like them, but really, is that who they actually need to be their best self? My partner and I are complete opposites, and part of me felt that I settled, but I'm the introvert and they are the extrovert. I have subdued them into not being quite so (too) aggressive, snappy, impulsive/reckless, while they have picked me up into being more ambitious and extroverted.

I think it comes down to how you interpret the word "settle". What do you think about my point about affairs? Do you feel like your head was more easily turned in these relationships?