Would you "settle" when it comes to a partner

[Beezknees]

Met up with DM and a friend of hers today. The friend is single (divorced) and in her 60s with grown up kids. She has recently been dating somebody who is very into her but she doesn't feel a romantic spark on her side. She said she is considering on "settling" for him anyway due to her age and that she has things she wants to do (travelling, etc) and wants to share the experiences with somebody rather than do it alone.

It got me thinking, do many people do this? Could you see yourself doing it?

I am single myself and couldn't imagine just settling but I'm only in my mid 30s so I suppose it's a different situation. If you are in your 60s and do want to meet somebody it might be harder.

I would say most people that want marriage and children probably settle out of fear of ending up childless and alone. I had no interest in marriage and children and loved being single. I met my partner at 43 and am with him because I love him not because I wanted a conventional life.

My interpretation of ‘settling’ is to decide to form a romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t really meet up to your expectations in some way- it could be there’s little or no attraction, or he’s a bit of a bore but financially secure, or he’s nice / kind / a good companion but not special.
That sort of thing.

I think it depends on your definition of settling, but personally I'm in my forties and single and I have no plans to change this. It would take something extraordinary to persuade me to get into another relationship, I think I'm just happier on my own in general.

There is compromise in all human relationships no one is perfect. I think labelling it as settling is unhelpful.
Also physical spark might be less important to her at this point in her life

I guess. But no-one’s perfect are they? Everyone’s going to fall short in some way. I suppose it depends what you consider a significant flaw/a deal breaker

Ooh I'm tending towards this view more and more. I'm just so happy with my life and am the sort of person who thrives single.

My SIL was very open to family about having a checklist for her second husband having had a 'love/lust at first sight' first marriage fail, and being in her 30's and wanting DC.
Her DH2 ticked her every box and they seemed to have 10 or so contented years with two DC. After that time the marriage began to fail and I think her DH wanted more of a 'couple' relationship as the DC got older, whereas SIL was happy to child rear together but not do things together that didn't involve the DC. They are now divorced but I don't think SIL regrets 'settling' as she got the DC she desired. Ex-BIL moved on and is now happily married but, things he has said since, seem to indicate he felt pretty hurt that SIL saw him as a financially reliable, non abusive sperm donor.
Personally I couldn't make marriage vows unless I meant them. By my 60's I hope I would be happy without having to lie to have a companion, obviously it is fine if both of you are happy with the arrangement.

Yes, of course, no one’s perfect.
I don’t think people generally expect perfection.
‘Settling’ is more a sense of “he’ll do” rather than “oh I really want him!”

I think your friend is saying she likes him, but doesn't want to be tied down to him. A lot of older women had to deal with sexist views and expectations from family about serving your husband, doing chores, being a 'good wife' etc.

So when you're single later in life you don't want to be ironing some old geezers pants or being told to clean/what to do etc.

It's just a way of having a casual relationship I think. She might change her mind if she does meet someone really special but the older you get, the less likely you are to want to commit.

But companionship can take presidence over desire as well sometimes.

I have done and we are now divorced. I won't be doing it again.

I ‘settled’. Don’t get me wrong, on a friendship level I’ve never had anyone who shared my likes and interests better. I could be wholly myself with them. But everything else was settling, putting up with and just generally conforming to what was expected. I will never ‘settle’ again, I’d sooner be alone (but I don’t get lonely easily).

@Weekendsonly I remember that murder very well.

I like to be my single friends' reason not to settle.

My DH is not wildly adventurous and I am, so I travel with my single, female friends. It's brilliant. For them; they have someone to do things with. For me; because I can travel to far flung places. For DH; because he doesn't have to. For my relationship; because we have something to talk about.

I think doing everything with a man is a bit strange anyway. We should have more balanced lives.

I have done that and am single now. Honestly I settled because all my friends were getting married, having kids etc. The biological clock was also ticking. I wouldn't do it again.

I settled twice- both times with men with whom I had a great friendship but little to no sexual desire.

The second 'settle' was better than the first, but still led to the same conclusion- that once the friendship part of the relationship was threatened (being taken for granted, being ignored etc) the relationship failed.

Now I'm with a man who I adore, with whom I have a great sex life and a fantastic friendship. If this relationship were to end I would never settle again. I now know how great a relationship can be and I wouldn't want a pale imitation; I'd rather stay single.

That’s interesting. I wonder how society would look in the UK if both men and women didn’t need to be partnered up for financial security? Perhaps there would be a lot more single people?

And how would that affect society in turn? I guess we don’t know yet because until very recently women could not be educated or have property in their own name?

No.

Yes, but you have got someone to come home to and talk about your adventures with. That's one of the many differences between being married and living on your own. It also depends on your age. If you're in your 30's you will still have a lot of single female friends but, trust me, you won't by the time you're 60. Yes, you can holiday on your own but not everyone wants every single holiday on their own.

Everyone settles to some extent

I know what you mean in that no one is perfect but I don't think that's the same as settling.

For me, if you find yourself wishing your partner were different somehow, or regretting your choice or feeling disappointed, or looking at other people and wishing you were with someone bit more like that for whatever reason, I'd say you've settled.

That's how I know I've settled: when I have a crush on other men while in the relationship.

When I was head over heels in love in a past relationship (i.e. didn't settle), it's like other men became invisible to me. I couldn't begin to imagine desiring them in any way.

In the past, I wouldn't have but at nearly 60 I fear that 'settling' is something I'll end up doing (if I'm lucky enough to meet a decent man, these days).

I think I know at least two people who were approaching the end of their fertile years, desperately wanted kids and sort of went "you'll do" They sort of hate eachother now the kids are here.

I have considered settling but in all honesty all the men I met have turned out to have irredeemable qualities that I wouldn't settle for.

Most women

Yes, same for me. I have 'settled' in the past, several times. The switch only fully switched off when I met my husband. I haven't settled.