Excluded from grandchildren's life

[GrandmDEA]

I'm going to try and keep this short but I have 3 sons, one of them moved abroad many years ago for work, it was meant to be short term but he fell in love with a girl 10 years his junior, married her 9 months later and they had a child a year after that. A couple of years ago this same country that they were living in and she was from ended up in a war, they moved to the UK with their 2 children immediately. They live in London, fairly central, they pay way below market rate in rent as someone he works with owns it but it is a tiny 2 bed and they have 2 children, one who has just turned 5 and the other just turned 3.
We have always had issues with them, we weren't invited to the wedding, in fact we didn't know they were married until after the wedding happened! We had never met her. She clearly has no respect for our family but we try to keep the peace.
This year we have seen our grandchildren 2 times, we only live an hour away but they don't let us visit, if we show up uninvited on the weekend, they are always busy. If we ask to go up to see them it is always "no the house is too small for guests". My sons is meant to bring them to see us once a month but most times he ends up coming alone with some excuse. We haven't seen his wife since Christmas!
Our son was meant to be bringing them to see us tomorrow, we have spent £100s on birthday gifts for them as they both had birthdays at the very end of August. Today he has messaged saying sorry we can't come the girls will be too tired after a week at school/nursery, we will see you during half term! This happens every time.
We have had some big fall outs over decisions they make such as his wife continues to take their tiny children to a war torn country to visit her family, putting them through 24 hours of travel to get there and back! My son never goes with her and I don't think he actually agrees with her but lets her do it anyway. It stresses me out when she takes them to there, I worry for their safety so I have voiced that I don't agree with it. We obviously also got off on the wrong foot with the lack of wedding invite to anyone in our family. We only mention things that concern us out of care but it is always taken as an insult.

AIBU to be really hurt they keep excluding us? The grandchildren have spent several weeks this year with their maternal family and they all live in a war torn country, but barely 2 half days with us who live much closer!

Going against the grain here, I think it sounds like your son is very unhappy with this woman and she is calling all the shots. I'd not be happy about her dragging the kids to a third world war zone either and I'd call social services about that.

OP has every right to be upset about not being invited to her own son's wedding! She can say what she bloody likes about her on here! She's not saying it TO her ffs

You’ve completely ignored the parts of this post which point that you don’t like her and have said several bitchy things about her. Why did you ignore that?

Third world … good Lord! Also …OP can say what she likes but why would you invite someone to your wedding when it’s very clear they don’t like at least one of the two people getting married! Yes anyone can say anything … and they can face the consequences!

Hmmmmmm, me too

@SJM1988 Well I absolutely wouldn't drag my young DC 30 fucking hours across the globe, no! How bloody selfish.

I can understand your upset, but this is the result of raising weak-willed sons. He can't be bothered to get his children to you, so you don't see them.

Stop raising arguments, buying gifts and everything else. You cannot force people to have a relationship with you, and the arguments just deepen the rift.

You would call SS?

This place gets more batshit by the minute.

What do you think they will do? Confiscate their passports? Ground them? Do you think SS have time to get involved in family holiday destinations?

Op has said plenty to them already, hence the lack of wedding invite.

Ops son sounds like he's done with the op and hes sticking up for his wife , that makes him a good husband, not an unhappy one.

Not so much going against the grain as have you read the same thread as the rest of us????

We were told we were wrong.. not we were wrong? You still belive it op

Must be on a new profile 🤣

It's really simple @GrandmDEA - you judged them, and then they judged you.

Looks like they got the measure right. And I can see nothing in your attitude that gives me hope you're willing to change.

What's your relationship like with your other children/grandchildren?

Pre wedding op had suggested that the Dil must be a gold digger because there was no other reason she'd have wanted to be with ops son. I think that's sufficient to merit not being invited to the wedding.

Haha I only have a couple now, I use them as used tea bag holders.

@DoNOTShakeItOff

I think you'll find that Ukraine is not regarded a "third world country" and that the term "third world" is no longer in general use.

It hasn't been "The" Ukraine since 1991.

Ops allowed to worry about their safety, ops not allowed to have 'some big fall outs' over the parents deciding that it's not too unsafe. Expressing concern would have been acceptable, arguing to the point of a big fall out, pushing it a bit, doing so repeatedly ( some big fall outs, so more than once) completely unacceptable.

This is my use for them too.

Are you the OP's best mate?

Where did you get 30hrs from? Even the OP said total travel time was 24hrs, and I'm really not placing a lot of faith in that estimate.

How is it selfish for a mother to take her children to their native country and see their grandparents and other family???

And "third world"????!!!

Insufferable for what? Telling the truth? Unless you are going to say Australia is also in the midst of a war with Russia?

GramdmDEA
It wasn't a small wedding, all her family and friends, many of his colleagues and several of his friends from the UK travelled to go. His reason for not inviting us was "We might be judgemental of his choice". He told one of his brothers but didn't invite either of them.

Sorry, I too thought it might have been a quick and quiet wedding.

That* *must have been very sad for you.

I note you said, "We initially expressed some concern that this may be the case, it was from wanting protect DS rather than being prejudiced. When we were told we were wrong we apologised."

Good on you for apologising. Would you have openly shown misgivings about his choice? They seem to be staying the course and have two children.

It's interesting his brothers were not invited to his wedding either, and they rarely see him.

Who says he’s weak willed? This could be, in fact likely is given that he had distanced himself from
OP before he even met his wife, HIS will.

Not being controlled by his mother doesn’t mean he’s controlled by his wife.

Third world? Ukraine is a European democracy. Your xenophobia is showing.

Many Ukranians living in the UK return home to visit family. I think calling Social Services would be the straw that broke the camel's back and OP's son would probably never forgive his mother and would cut her off entirely.

You disapproved of her, you disapproved of the relationship, you disapproved of her nationality, you disapproved of her decision to take her children to her home (the 12 hour train to Kyiv has sleeper carriages and can be quite luxurious), you’ve ‘voiced your (critical) opinion’ on a number of occasions. Have you worked out yet why she’s not interested in having a relationship with you, or encouraging your son to facilitate a relationship between you and their children? His first loyalty is to her and his family, not you. She, by the sounds of things, owes you nothing. The question you should be asking is, ‘What can I do to make this right?’

This is not the same as going to a country at war 😕