Excluded from grandchildren's life

[GrandmDEA]

I'm going to try and keep this short but I have 3 sons, one of them moved abroad many years ago for work, it was meant to be short term but he fell in love with a girl 10 years his junior, married her 9 months later and they had a child a year after that. A couple of years ago this same country that they were living in and she was from ended up in a war, they moved to the UK with their 2 children immediately. They live in London, fairly central, they pay way below market rate in rent as someone he works with owns it but it is a tiny 2 bed and they have 2 children, one who has just turned 5 and the other just turned 3.
We have always had issues with them, we weren't invited to the wedding, in fact we didn't know they were married until after the wedding happened! We had never met her. She clearly has no respect for our family but we try to keep the peace.
This year we have seen our grandchildren 2 times, we only live an hour away but they don't let us visit, if we show up uninvited on the weekend, they are always busy. If we ask to go up to see them it is always "no the house is too small for guests". My sons is meant to bring them to see us once a month but most times he ends up coming alone with some excuse. We haven't seen his wife since Christmas!
Our son was meant to be bringing them to see us tomorrow, we have spent £100s on birthday gifts for them as they both had birthdays at the very end of August. Today he has messaged saying sorry we can't come the girls will be too tired after a week at school/nursery, we will see you during half term! This happens every time.
We have had some big fall outs over decisions they make such as his wife continues to take their tiny children to a war torn country to visit her family, putting them through 24 hours of travel to get there and back! My son never goes with her and I don't think he actually agrees with her but lets her do it anyway. It stresses me out when she takes them to there, I worry for their safety so I have voiced that I don't agree with it. We obviously also got off on the wrong foot with the lack of wedding invite to anyone in our family. We only mention things that concern us out of care but it is always taken as an insult.

AIBU to be really hurt they keep excluding us? The grandchildren have spent several weeks this year with their maternal family and they all live in a war torn country, but barely 2 half days with us who live much closer!

You’ve driven them away by openly and repeatedly being judgmental about their relationship and parenting, and now you’re facing the natural consequences of your actions.

Yup. It's funny, my oldest figured out natural consequences by the time he was four years old. OP is a bit behind, obviously!

Always the bloody woman's fault.

lol well in this case it IS the woman’s fault.
just not the woman the OP believes it to be!

I'd have bloody loved going on an overnight train as a kid. Actually I still would. What an adventure! Also, you sleep on the train, you get a bed and bedding- it's bot a 24 hour walk for the kids!

But same as PP, it's blindingly obvious why they're avoiding you. I'm willing to bet you kicked up a fuss when your son decided to stay on in Ukraine which will be where the problem started and why you didn't get a wedding invite...

But surely you can see that despite your apology, she is likely to resent you for this, especially as you continue to offer unsolicited advice and judge her decisions as a mother?

Every word out of your mouth is dripping with disdain for your son and his wife. Very telling that you weren't invited to the wedding over fear of judgement. I married a "foreigner" too and we didn't invite quite a few family members who'd said judgemental things about him, our relationship, how young we were, and the fact that he wasn't British. If you can't respect the marriage why the fuck would you be invited to the celebrations of said marriage?

Sorry OP but you reap what you sow and what you've sown here is judgement, contempt and arrogance. You basically accused his wife of being a goldigger, do you not see how that's insulting to both her and your son? Would you want that around your kids?

And you're even more ridiculous to point this out.

“We might be judgemental of his choice.”

And he wasn’t wrong was he? I can’t blame him. I wouldn’t have wanted to get married knowing you were probably pulling sour faces behind my back and being snippy to her relatives.

we only mention things that concern us out of care but it is always taken as an insult

Of course it is, because your very first judgement of her, which you would call "concern" was indeed very insulting.

You have to try to see it from her point of view

So they should see you but not their other grandparents?

Wow. Some people are so utterly blind to their own faults aren't they!

Soooo basically what you're saying is that you're a controlling judgemental racist who deeply insulted both your son and his wife by boldly insinuating she could only possibly want him for money, you repeatedly question their choices enough to cause "several big fallouts" any you are now surprised that they are low contact with you?

Did I miss anything?

We have had some big fall outs over decisions they make such as his wife continues to take their tiny children to a war torn country to visit her family, putting them through 24 hours of travel to get there and back! My son never goes with her and I don't think he actually agrees with her but lets her do it anyway. It stresses me out when she takes them to there, I worry for their safety so I have voiced that I don't agree with it.

You don’t get a say in what they do with their kids, unless they’re involving you.

Why would you fall out with them? Why do you think you get a say?

Wonder how much say the ops mother had in her raising her children 🙃

I think she was hoping that MN would tell her that DIL is clearly awful and she should absolutely have the right to see her grandchildren whilst disrespecting their mother. I doubt she'll return.

Why do so many mothers and MILs think that they can dictate their adult children's lives? (Ignoring the ageism and racism here for a minute).

My Mum is a bit like this and I've had to have a proper talk with her about it.

How are you in any way confused about why they don't want their kids around you? You can't seem to help yourself...

What exactly has your daughter in law done that is disrespectful to your family? 'Considering herself good enough to marry into it' and 'being a bit foreign' don't really count in 2024.

Yes. However she will undoubtedly think on what was said and maybe change her attitude. It does happen and helps to get opinions from people uninvolved. We can rarely see ourselves as others see us.

Even if we think she has handled things wrongly, it's still sad for her and I feel sympathetic. We all make mistakes.

By any stretch, it was a very fast marriage and then kids following in short order.
there is a big age gap , the difference between a 21 yr old and a 31 yr old is massive.

The difference between a 51 yr old and a 61 yr old is far less, as age tends to 'telescope' as the years go by.

Quite possibly the Ukrainian woman's family don't like her choice of British man.

It can cut both ways: ''Why couldn't you have married a nice Ukrainian chap?''

Please re-read what you wrote again.

You sound VERY judgemental of your DIL. What is the back story of not being invited to the wedding, was it in her country? Maybe it was a small affair. You are not entitled to be invited. Your issue is with your DS not DIL.

You should never ever turn up uninvited, that is so disrespectful! I would suggest an open conversation with your son, say you are sorry if you’ve offended them in any way and how can you repair things to try and build a relationship with GCs. The only reason I can think of that you are being kept at arms length would be boundary issues.

Totally off topic but I used to keep Gu ramekins. They seemed too good to throw away but I never seemed to use them for much. All gone now, but your username struck a chord!

My in laws were/are furious that DH (eldest of their 4 sons) found a wife that had a house and a career and earned as much as their son. They expected him to marry someone that would give up work and move to where they were and deliver grandchildren.

When a grandchild (their first) did come along, they refused to visit for 3 weeks, they were so incensed at her being born away from them. Not to mention their disgust at her not being a boy. They saw her for about 3 hours before saying they probably wouldn’t come again because the cost of diesel wasn’t worth it. Apparently the cost of sending birthday cards was prohibitive too.

They see DD maybe once or twice a year. She couldn’t give a toss about them now at 14. They wail to DH that she’s their oldest grandchild and they don’t see her. Had they not been opinionated, narrow minded arseholes maybe they would have.