What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

Loads of factors and far too simplistic to attribute it to just one or two things. It's not that simple.

• Social media - teens are under pressure to look a certain way at a time in their lives when people tend to feel most vulnerable about their looks. They lack the tools / emotional maturity to recognize that what they see online isn't accurate to true life.
• COVID lockdowns - teenagers need time away from their family and with their peers as part of their social development. This is well known and studied. Lockdown removed those opportunities at a crucial time for many young people.
• 24 hour media and world events. Wars have always happened, so have troubles with the economy etc, but never before have we been made so aware of it, with constant live updates. A young person with little life experience is likely to feel overwhelmed by all the negative news. Throw in climate change and you can see why they might think they have nothing to live for.
• Cost of living - families are under pressure which inevitably impacts on the mental health of young people as parents are stressed and struggling.
• Lack of resilience - gentle parenting and similar techniques popular with my generation mean that too often, kids are not challenged to jump out of their comfort zone. Whilst it's good that we recognize children's emotions much more, they still need to be challenged and not just told "ok let's not go there if you think it will be scary". How will our children ever learn to pick themselves up if we never let them fall?"
• Draconian schools that focus far too much on daft things like whether or not someone is wearing a coat indoors, leading to additional unnecessary anxiety. Not every school mind! Seems to be a particular problem with large academy chains that are not putting the well being of young people at the forefront.
• Lack of outdoor time - I used to ride for miles on my bike alone as a kid. Now it's often too dangerous because of traffic, the parks are run down and sports facilities are closed to inaccessible due to costs etc. Getting outdoors every day is crucial for good mental health.
• Lack of free time - too many parents structure their child's day with activity after activity and then wonder why they can't cope when they have nothing to do. Competitive parenting thanks to social media influence means parents feel their children must be doing something all the time. Kids need to learn how to manage boredom and develop imagination.

I'm sure there is some stuff I have missed!

I'm guessing but could it be something to do with less family socialisation.
Families maybe go out fewer times as a family unit to places like church, sport and even on trains children watch everyone looking down into their lap at their phones.
Within the home do parents engage as much with their teenagers? Adults and teenagers can have more of a lonesome time at home if all are watching different programs, texting friends and family. Kids might never really see or hear their parents conversations that are via electronic devices unlike the phone calls and actual talking out loud that people used to do in earshot of family.
Children are programmed to socially cope by watching their parents and by practising social skills, over and over and often. Remember answering a ringing house phone. Kids did that.
I remember feeling uneasy and shy but having to deal with it and having no choice but to go out, attend school and do my best to make conversation, be polite, walk into a room feeling uncomfortable etc.

Are too many parents allowing their youngsters to stay home?

Obviously not recent history if you thought the world was at peace for the boomer generation. And mortgage rates have been historically very low for years. The average interest rate over the last 50 years was 9.1%, yet it hasn’t been that high since the 1990s.

@IainTorontoNSW we didn't have Vietnam conscription in the UK. We stayed out of that war.
Although my husband did worry he might get called up to fight in the Falklands War (he would have been 16/17).
One big difference between now and "the war" era (WW2) was that newsreels and newspapers didn't report in such "in your face" way they do now. It's a lot more graphic at a younger age now.

Bigclockface · Today 12:31

I think you’ll find a good proportion of them can go out and socialise when work is not involved. They just don’t want to. And can get away with it.”

BS. Our son was so badly affected by Covid that his “social life” was non-existent. He has an incredibly strong work ethic though and worked to fund his university course and driving licence so that more working options were open to him.
Do you actually know any 21 year olds?

Yes, these situations are impacting on families everywhere.

‘Parents and schools have no boundaries or discipline anymore so students can pretty much do as they like. ’

On the school front - that’s just not true. the same complaint has been levelled at schools by every older generation FOREVER.

parents - it varies. When it comes to online access and Social Media I am very strict ( according to my kids!) and they have no SM and aren’t allowed to upload anything online.

rhe younger kid is still moaning about not have TikTok or Insta or whatever but the 15 year recently admitted that they think it was a good thing, and that their MH is good because of having no SM. And the ‘my parents won’t let me’ aspect allowed DC to use us as an excuse for avoiding things that they don’t want to be part of…

They still see stuff of course, friends have access, but personally I believe that not having it there all the time in their phones has really helped.

Covid came on top of years of austerity, so when we did emerge from the pandemic the services that could help young people are only accessible for those who are in crisis. The waiting list for CAMHS where I live is horrendous. Thinking more widely than that, I think that lockdown took its toll on so many people's mental health. There seems to be so much barely suppressed rage around now, things look and feel grim, and there does not seem to much hope around.

I also think the growth in awareness of special needs, autism and ADHD etc has brought a general culture shift.

The best way to overcome low level anxiety is to try stuff out, deal with it not always working out and develop confidence that way.

Sensitivity to neurodiversity makes us shrink back a bit from saying to kids who aren't ND - you'll be fine, you'll work it out. Basically kids say 'oh no I'm anxious' and often that's used as a reason for not persisting, which reinforces the anxiety.

I know anxiety is a real medical condition. I think tactics for the neurodiverse have been adopted a bit too widely.

While I don't think covid is the only explanation for this, I'm not sure why people think giving examples of other traumatic things that were very different to covid would disprove that?

It's quite conceivable that something that was a less bad thing overall might still have specific bad effects that don't apply to worse things. There isn't a mechanism whereby the effects of, say, social isolation at a crucial age in 2020 are lessened because lots of kids were killed in the Blitz.

I work with young people and can tell you that the most damaging thing to their wellbeing and mental health is social media and fucking influencers.
Any self doubt, lack of confidence or self worth and anxiety is magnified by picking up their phone and seeing these “Influencers” leading their best, often fake, lives.
I can’t tell you how many young people are being made to feel like a failure because they are not dancing around with “friends” in the sunset or being gifted tonnes or free shit, but I hear it daily.
It’s sad.

I'm glad you overcame your difficulties.

I have 2 young people with Autism and severe Dyslexia. One also has ADHD. School 'help' is often counterproductive
As a result they also have Anxiety.
ALL kids had their education disrupted during Covid. But for kids already barely coping it was a (set of) nail (s) in the coffin I believe.
OP 'how do I cope'? By giving up my job & claiming Carers allowance (£80 p/w).

I recently attended the AGM of a large Nat Autistic Soc where a Consultant Psychiatrist was speaking. He said that their (large rural) NHS trust was getting around 10 referrals a week in 2018. Now it's around 50. Those kids (referred by school/GP, 18m wait list) are not suddenly 'becoming unable to cope in school / society' they are kids who were going to possibly just cope before Govt/society closed down.
Life 'stopped'. Development (for many) stopped too.

Alcohol and Valium mainly.

My youngest is nearly 19 and I recognise some of her traits in your post OP. She tries to blame things on anxiety and won't speak to anyone on the phone to arrange appointments etc because it sets off her 'anxiety' when the reality is if she can go online and not have to interact with a human being she'll do it straight away.

I think the age group you are referring to give themselves anxiety because everything can be done from their phones, either online or through an app, human interaction is bare minimum now. You go to a pub and you can order drinks to your table, order McDonald's through an app, make a GP appointment online, no wonder this generation are the way they are.

1. Lockdown
2. Overly strict school system whereby every thing has a correct and incorrect way of doing things from shoes to pens to marking schemes, removing personal initiative and emphasising regulatory adherence.
3. Lack of trust in people in authority due to the bad example of the Tories.
4. Brexit and its after-effects.

The answer is Covid and phones, I suspect.

Social life continues in war.

Brexit and its after-effects.

What Brexit impacts do you see as impact children’s mental health?

Not sure why, but I don't think it's 100% related to the pandemic. My husband is a lecturer and he's spoken about this issue for years. Seems to have got worse over the last 10 years or so, hearing his stories, in my opinion.

Yep.

WW2 keeps being brought up, as it invariably is whenever anyone wants to discuss the possibility that lockdown might have possibly had the teensy weensiest downside. But that was a very collective experience. It tells us absolutely fuck all about the societal impact of a very different problem, even though WW2 overall was obviously worse than covid.

This is exactly what I was thinking!
Kids of today have their friends at the touch of a button with video calls,social media etc if they want them.
Years ago isolated meant isolated!
The reason why these kids can't cope with everyday life is because nowadays it's so easy to use stress or anxiety as an excuse not to do something they dont want to do,as nobody is allowed to question it.
Kids are mollycoddled and pandered to and it's doing them no favors in the long run.

My son is 20, just started his 2nd year at uni. He has ASD. He was year 11 at the beginning of lockdown ie the year that didn't sit their GCSEs.

Unlike a lot of people here I didn't lavishly follow 'the rules' ie there never was a rule that you could only go outside for an hour a day. I didn't disinfect my shopping or the mail. I sent him out on his bike, we got on a bus to a local park, had a picnic, came home. As soon as things were allowed we did it. I didn't foster fear in him and tried not to add to his existing anxieties. At the start of lockdown he had a paper round which he carried on doing and before the second lockdown had a Saturday job in a grocers.
Even with all that, it took him a long time to return to 'normal' . I had to practically push him out of the door to return to scouts and pick up his DoE.
I'd add that my son is adopted and had a very poor start to life and had a lot of difficulties to overcome.
I've made him do stuff, not mollycoddled, encouraged him to be independent and not afraid of the world.
I don't drive so he's always been very good at using public transport. He's had jobs to do in the house, done his own washing since he was 14.
I look at some of my friends kids, driven everywhere, don't have any household chores, we're given everything they wanted, no Saturday jobs, a bit over indulged, taken out of school for holidays. They are nice enough young people, good manners, don't get into trouble. But they really are hopeless at being in the 'world' as it were. I can see how some of them would struggle with living independently, managing their own time, shopping and feeding themselves - which then becomes stressful when they do have to do it.
Even when he was a child, if he fell over, I'd pick him up, brush him off, told him having scabby knees was a sign he was having fun. He has a learning difficulty and did need extra support. I made sure he had what he needed, helped where I could, encouraged him, was his biggest cheerleader, but never micro managed his learning. Pushed him to do his best, but taught him not to worry about what other more academically able people were doing.
As a result of all that, I think I have produced a well rounded young man. He can still be a bit of a muppet, his cooking skills aren't great, but he is independent.

I look at some of my friends kids and think they are nice young people, well mannered, don't get into trouble but I can see why they struggle in the world. Driven everywhere, no Saturday jobs, no chores at home, probably a bit over indulged,

Well, this is a depressing read. I think my kids were fortunate to have been 5 and 3 in 2020.
I do try and teach them independence though. My 10 year old walks to school on her own or with a friend and I also make sure they know how to use public transport. They will buy the tickets and I’ve taught them how to use bus and tube maps.

AgileGreenSeal · Today 12:43

Jifmicroliquid · Today 11:33
How on earth did the children of war cope?

Social life continues in war.

This ^. In fact many young people, women in particular, were liberated in many ways. The stories my mum’s 3 much older sisters told of their social lives during WWII would make your hair stand on end!

I agree but would also add:

Increase in ultra processed food which is proven to influence depression and anxiety.
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/04/well/eat/ultraprocessed-food-mental-health.html

Less physical activity/walking/sport/outside time which also releases "happy hormones" and keeps body and mind healthy.

Family activities becoming difficult for many families in terms of money and time - from going swimming to buying a chippy tea.