What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

They have every right to be furious about that.

I haven’t noticed increased anxiety in my kids 16-20 or their friends.

I wonder if the circs in which you were stuck during Covid makes a difference - being stuck in a big house with a large garden in an area where you can have nice walks outside - that’s very different to being shut a small house/flat with 2 parents WFH at the kitchen table or one or both parents being key workers. Private schools were more assiduous at continuing lessons online ime - so there was continuity.

Also probably the approach of the parents had an effect - I was relaxed about the Covid threat and told my kids not to worry about it. If I’d been an anxious mess that would definitely have impacted my kids.

Covid lockdowns were a nightmare for children who rely on masking, especially girls. Like my 15 year old daughter.

Our culture has become so much more individualist, and self focussed. People are continually assessing every feeling and every emotion, questioning their personal identity, their personal rights, seeking out diagnoses as it has become cool to be 'different'. This leads to people like my new intern at work telling me she doesn't feel she should have to commute as she finds commuting 'overwhelming' and it delays her ideal eating time. And the fact we can no longer go for team lunches because one member said it isn't inclusive of her not wanting to eat in front of others. I am genuinely shocked by the generational differences I witness at work.

If you don't know the answer to that, then there is zero point in anyone trying to tell you.

I don't think the OP is talking about under 30s here. I think they are talking about school-age kids. And what you describe doesn't really apply to them.

My thinking is that if Covid were the main culprit by far, other countries would be in the same position. And it seems that they aren't.

@HesGotHisTrombolyse

Actually USA and Australia are struggling too.

I have an 18 year old exactly like you describe. I question it all the time. I think it is due to a combination of factors, many of which have been discussed here.

To me, it is mainly the influence of the internet and social media, lack of physical activity/socialising and the change in parenting.

OP said higher education, so probably most are roughly 18-23. The ones who are coming to the end will be planning what to do next, ie just the age cohort who'd be thinking about whether there are opportunities abroad for them. Maybe not so much the ones who've just started this month.

What really worries about this is the idea that schools are the great panacea for all the woes in life. Schools are primarily about education; they are NOT substitute parents. While I agree that lockdowns had a major impact on children/young adults, why is it schools responsibility to fill the gap?

Having children is still a choice. But it seems to me that too many parents are assuming that schools, and the rest of society, should take primary responsibility for their children.

Yes of course they did. There was no unemployment in the 80s, my mortgage interest rate didn't shoot up into the teens in the 90s. I must have imagined the Cold War and being shown those documentaries about what to do in the case of a nuclear war. I could list so many more but I assume I'm wasting my time. Should just say I particularly enjoyed the bit about poorest generation since Dickens. I can only assume that I have missed the news that history is no longer being taught in schools.

Excuse me, I need to go off and run the utilities and railways i was apparently handed into the ground.

Yes of course they did. There was no unemployment in the 80s, my mortgage interest rate didn't shoot up into the teens in the 90s. I must have imagined the Cold War and being shown those documentaries about what to do in the case of a nuclear war. I could list so many more but I assume I'm wasting my time. Should just say I particularly enjoyed the bit about poorest generation since Dickens. I can only assume that I have missed the news that history is no longer being taught in schools.

Excuse me, I need to go off and run the utilities and railways i was apparently handed into the ground.

They have been given escuses to avoid anything they don't want to do. The flakey and lazy have grabbed the excuses with both hands and use them continually as 'Get Out of ..Whatever' cards.

Covid has been over-used by schools and parents as a means of explaining poor teaching and poor parenting. Teenagers have latched onto it. Add in the 'mental health' stuff that is everywhere in the media and it's become the lazy, drama-llama generation.

We have an incredible number of 'school-refusers' in the local authority I work for. Some have genuine issues. Most don't - unless being highly manipulative, lazy and allowed to do as they like by weak parents count as genuine issues.

When we visit the house during the school day, the teenagers are regularly still in bed, or playing on computer games or watching tv with mum or out with friends.

Even in school, they play the 'mental health' card eg for punctuality or doing PE or completing work or rudeness/inability to follow rules wear uniform.

Since term started, I have had parents tell me that their chid :
Can't do PE because their legs are too fat and they are scared of being laughed at. They can't sleep for worrying about PE but it isn't fair that they don't get picked for the football team.
Can't do homework because they are too tired and find it stressful and they should be able to go home and just relax.
Can't get to school on time because the bus that would get them there is at 8.15am and they don't like being first in before their friends, so they get the 8.45am and are late every day.
Can't wear school uniform trousers because he is allergic to cotton and polyester- he was sitting in front of me in a football top and joggers- mum said 'he only wears them for an hour at a time or his legs get irritated.' Otherwise he wears shorts all the time at 15.
Should be able to attend for just 3 mornings of her choice, arrive at 10am and leave at 12.30am so she 'isn't in crowds'.
She is devastated because her aunt had a miscarriage (at 8 weeks) - 14 years ago and she has just found out. She is grieving the cousin who she knows would have been her best friend in life.

We are doing them no favours as parents and as a society by pandering to this nonsense.

Hmmm. I see a lot of posts on WIWIKAU about kids coming home after as little as 24 hours. It never occurred to me that this was even an option when I went - I gave it a year then dropped out!
Of course I fully support those who need some extra help and are ND, but in the main it seems quite a few are either just too young (I was 17 and I'm sure I just wasn't ready), or it's too easy to give in to feelings of anxiety. It doesn't help that society has made out that uni is the 'best time of your life' and that they'll make lifelong friends instantly - it often just isn't true. It's hard, they'll be homesick, and the emphasis on self learning is quite an adjustment.
My son left home (not to go to uni) at 18. He's worked (part time initially) since he turned 16. He's very self sufficient even if a bit absent minded at times! But he's been able to cook and iron and take care of himself since he was 13. He needs emotional support (Covid hit just as he left school and started a vocational course which was very much reliant on work experience which he couldn't do, and it was a real knock to his confidence) but he's never bunked off work or not been able to book himself into the dentist, open a bank account, get a plumber in. He just needs a bit of cheerleading on occasion. He's 21 now.
My DD is off to uni this year, but spent a month in Portugal in work experience. Totally out of her comfort zone but she performed well and now knows Lisbon like the back of her hand. I have no worries about her turning up to class or getting her work done! Covid had no negative effect on her whatsoever.
Covid isn't an excuse. It did cause some gaps in education but really we've been out of it now for some time. I do agree with PP we are far more child centred than we used to be. We try and make things easier for them - I'm guilty of this myself. And it's hard to stop when they turn 18. And it's hard for them to get out from the protective parental umbrella. But they must.

Ah, a stock reply when you don't know the answer!

Aren’t they though? According to my brother in Japan they are but they are blaming screen addiction rather than covid as it kicked off sooner there.

But it applies to their parents.

See my previous post a couple of pages back. The parents have been screwed over, and now their kids are getting screwed over.

I don't think it's just Covid...it started before that. I have been teaching one course a year at one of Canada's top universities for the past 14 years. Typically around 35 students in the class. The first couple of years one or two would have accommodations from the learning services centre. The number has steadily increased every year. Last year 22 out of 37 students had accommodations, everything from not being marked down for poor spelling and grammar, to assignment deadlines extended with no questions asked, extra time on tests, separate room for tests, no tests at all so different assignments have to be set. One student who intended to be a vet had the whole array of accommodations, never submitted anything on time and had an excuse for everything. I so wanted to ask her if her future self, assuming she ever qualified as a vet, would tell a farmer needing an emergency C-section on a cow that she couldn't do it today, because she wasn't feeling it, but would do it next week instead. I did not dare ask, of course.

I think the issues will only get worse and Covid cannot be used for ever. A lot of parents pander and molly coddle children more than ever as far as I can see. I work in a primary school and the amount of complaints the school gets about trivial things is ridiculous. I have a 20 and 18 year old and I would never have dreamed of complaining about the sort of issues they do. I have no idea how they will cope when real adversity strikes. My children know that if they want help I will guide them but from a young age they had to try and do things for themselves. Covid was an uncertain time of course and Dd was year 11 and initially worried about exams results and what would happen. I didn’t make a big deal of it as I talked to her and reminded her that all other year 11s were in the same boat and that things would sort themselves out in the end, ( which they did , she is now in 3rd year of uni). DS was year 9 and he did the school work set as that is what I expected of him- no excuses. I am by nature a tough love kind of person and as a result my kids are not fazed by set backs as I have taught them that mistakes and set backs are ok and we learn and grow from them. So many people crumble at the first set back and throw in the towel.

Another univ lecturer here who is a parent of a 24 and 16 year old.

Some students do have very serious problems / there is no doubt about that.

And then there are some who will not take any responsibility at all when things go wrong. This is why I run the first year course as my younger colleagues are very reluctant to do so and none of them are parents of teens.

I am approachable - evidenced by student evaluation comments - but I am no walkover and I make it clear from the start that students are expected to seek help if they need it - and that their parents cannot contact me if they fail due to non-submission. If they are not well enough to study then they need to suspend studies.

I have been horrified in a couple of cases that 18 year olds with what turn out to be very serious mental health conditions leave home and travel a long way away to live in a flat with complete strangers - and parents seem surprised when it’s a disaster. Students can go to uni at 19/20/21 as I did, and in the worst cases I’ve dealt with, if I was the parent I would have done my best to persuade them to either attend a local uni or defer for a couple of years and work on improving their health.

@Ujustcantandwont and @Getitwright, l couldn’t agree more with you. When l was at primary school, we had china crockery, proper glasses and, of course, cutlery for school dinners from the time we started school. When my daughter, who is now in her late twenties, was fifteen months old, we were eating Sunday dinner with a group of older relatives; all of whom were vocal about whether they approved or disapproved of something. My daughter sat on a booster seat at the table with everyone else and ate every scrap of her food independently using a spoon and fork, much to my relief, and won the approval of the older relatives. This was considered normal for parents of my generation and before. Similarly, toilet training. We were encouraged to look for signs of readiness, but it was expected that girls would achieve this around the age of two and boys around the age of 2 1/5, unless there were any disabilities. Mostly, this happened, especially as we knew that children were not allowed to attend playgroup or nursery, let alone school, unless they were fully toilet trained. It is called training for a reason as, once you had decided that the child was ready, you devoted the next week or so to ensuring that they knew how to use the toilet or potty. Accidents happened, of course, but we soldiered on, training them until the job was done. My mother’s generation thought this was late as they expected daytime toilet training to at least start at eighteen months. Dummies (my children did not have them) were often given to Father Christmas as the child was now a big boy/girl and they were needed for babies. We made sure that they could dress and undress themselves. We also played with our children and read to them. So many parents these days seem to expect everyone else but themselves to bring up their children.

Whilst Covid almost certainly has contributed I think it's mainly screens, parenting and the messages society sends.

If someone had an alcohol or drug problem/addiction then the item is removed for recovery. I have noticed that the message is that we can't take their phones from them. Like alcohol it's nigh on impossible to treat the addiction/the anxiety etc unless it's removed. Surely if parents and children wanted to help themselves they would agree to this.

We keep hearing that there aren't enough counsellors available or mental health resources. The message seems to be that this will solve your problems. However counselling, in my experience, is not always the answer. There too much talking and not enough doing.

So if an 80 year old dies you can take the day off work but not if a 6 month old dies?

I mean 6 month olds haven't been around very long and don't have such relatable personalities, you spent less time with them, been on less days out and they couldn't reciprocate your affection the same way. So obviously it would be ridiculous to be upset over a dead baby.

Would your 16 year old dog dying be sadder than your toddler dying just based on time spent?

All you post shows is that you probably shouldn't own pets as you value life weirdly and don't care if its not quantifiable.

Google is your friend…

(Answer, they often didn’t and in the case of The Blitz in WW2 this was covered up.)

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9756958/

Oh the usual lazy and inaccurate stereotyping of the so-called 'Boomer' generation. They did not have "everything handed to them on a plate"!!

Plenty of us grew up in homes where there were only outside 'dry' toilets and you bathed in a tin bath in front of the fire on a Saturday night, where your position in the family determined on when you got your turn in the bath!

Homes weren't centrally heated and there were very few gadgets. Hardly anyone had a phone. TVs were black and white. I am a very late 'Boomer' and I remember getting our first fridge - and we were ahead of the game! I'm old enough to remember Burco boilers for nappies, and the mangle to rinse out handwashed clothes, before the wonderful twin tub washing machine came into being. Monday was wash day, probably because Saturday was 'bath night' and you couldn't be seen to be working on a Sunday - putting clothes out on the line would have been nothing short of scandalous!

When you went to school, there were very few extra-curricular activities other than sport, and if you weren't good at that, too bad. Only the children of the well off would have had swimming lessons, music lessons or elocution lessons (popular in the 60s and 70s).

Tutoring for exams wasn't much of a thing either. You either passed or you failed. A lot of bright kids didn't get to go to the grammar school, because their parents simply couldn't afford it. Only the top 5% went to university.

Yes, they had peace but their parents and grandparents had lived through at least one world war. House prices may have been low and interest low - but have you ever heard of 'supply and demand'??? They were low because very many people couldn't even dream of getting onto the housing ladder in the first place. And then the bubble burst anyway and anyone who had bought their home had their finances blown apart by 15% interest rates (low rates my hole!). We very nearly bought in London just ahead of that and thank God we didn't.

The general population did not "ignore global warming", and I doubt the politicians were that aware of it as a concept either. But if you want to be pedantic, our drinks came in bottles that were handed back, something for a few pennies, and used again. We didn't package our goods in plastic. You got a paper bag perhaps for fruit or veg and you took it home in your own sustainable resuable bags!!

It's arguable that our utilities were better off in the hands of the country than after Thatcher privatised the fuck out of them.

I could go on and on, but surely anyone with half a brain will get the gist. The so-called 'Boomers' had their own tribulations the same as any generation, and should not be blamed for the so-called privations of younger generations, who have to have it all.

Holidays abroad, weekends away, the lastest mobile phone, laptops, internet connectivity, cars when they're 17 or pass their test, masses of students going to uni, many to study degrees that didn't even exist back in the day, disposable fashion, nights out, meals out - all of those things which were not even in the realms of our imagination.

So spare me the lazy, bullshite. It's utter bollocks.