What's happened to young people? Can parents give me insight.

[EveningSpread]

I work in Higher Education, and I'm increasingly worried about young people.

So far this year, I've encountered more students than usual who:

• say they are unable to attend classes due to anxiety
• who are afraid of being in classes
• who won't speak when spoken to by staff or other students
• who say they find getting on a bus and getting to class to overwhelming
• who find the thought of doing their work so stressful that they can't cope
• who don't come to classes due to family parties / their hamster dying / waking up late (to name the reasons I've had just this morning) and expect you to fix what they've missed - in other words, who seem totally immature and unprepared for life (a different problem to the other things above, perhaps)

Obviously we express sympathy, reassure, and explain that they need to access the help that will enable them to function - to enjoy life, succeed on their degree, and get a job afterwards. (So the wellbeing services, and their GP.) Often the reassurance really helps. But equally a lot of these students don't cope at University. I'm sure this problem is exacerbated by the fact that I work in an institution that attracts students from postcodes with multiple indices of deprivation.

Part of me hopes that mental health issues are sometimes exaggerated or even an excuse, as an increasingly large percentage of my students seem essentially afraid to leave the house -- which would be much worse than them just trying it on/being a bit lazy! It's great that we have a language to talk about mental health now, but it's hard to know how/when to tell people that (a) they are responsible for improving their own mental health so they can function in the world, and (b) experiencing some mild discomfort and difficulty, such as being nervous around new people, is normal and crucial to development.

But I'm left wondering: how are parents coping with their young people if these are the miserable lives they're living? If they're not going to classes, are scared to leave the house, and can't function?

So AIBU, or is this problem getting worse? What can parents of roughly 16-20 year olds tell me? Are we still dealing with the legacies of COVID? What's the word on the street among young people about mental health these days?

30 year olds can no longer leave home? Boomer here with kids of 24 and 26. Both left home and bought houses. Both work in public sector but not in London.
What you say is a sweeping generalisation based on a small part of the UK

Paet of the issue with areas where there are multiple indices of deprivation is learned helplessness in families. Another part is total lack of self confidence of individuals from these families due to being in a completely unfamiliar environment where they are expected to be self starters, looking forward to the rest of their lives as productive citizens.

They can express their culture shock in many different ways. You have seen family parties or deceased pets used as excuses for missing class - this is a hint that students are having difficulties separating themselves from the family cultures they are enmeshed in. These family cultures are often characterised by fear of the outside world, fear of the unknown, and psychological isolation.

Unfortunately, not enough is understood by those involved in delivering higher education about barriers to engagement experienced by young people from deprived backgrounds. The emotional and psychological barriers are far more significant than the academic or financial barriers.

Fair enough. I guess I just see the other posts which seem to ascribe it all to lockdown, which clearly isn't right either. These things are always complex and multifaceted.

I was a nervous wreck at secondary school in the 1980s. Every day I was terrified of girls picking on me and boys laughing at me. I hated every minute and often thought about suicide.

I did not have the words to explain how I felt to anyone, there was no one for me to tell, the words anxiety and overwhelmed meant something completely different back then.

Mental illness was shameful and hidden. I was very unhappy but I kept it to myself which caused me a lot of damage that I have carried with me for years.

If children are now saying out loud that they are fearful, overwhelmed etc then thank God, it’s about time. This is progress.

Do your children have professional jobs? What do they earn? It's not just London that rents are high - it's the whole of the SE.

Yes the whole debacle was very unsettling for a couple of years, but to say
kids were "locked up" is untrue in Britain.
They were bombarded with fear porn for much longer than "a couple of months of lockdowns", though. "Don't see your friends, or you will kill granny." And they were faced with the uncertainty of their parents losing their jobs. And they still are bombarded with fear porn about many other things now.

Also, during the war, wasn't the slogan "keep calm and carry on" (or is that a wishful rewriting of history, which would not surprise me)? The slogans during covid were:
"Stay at home."
"Stay the fuck at home."
"Don't kill granny."
"Hands, face, space."
"Protect the NHS."
etc.
Not conducive to resilience, or personal development.

Anxiety is part of being alive, and learning. It’s often the adrenalin that drives people to make better, more informed choices. If it becomes overwhelming, then it becomes something deeper and darker. It’s having the ability to prioritise, to choose wisely, to be unafraid to compromise, to learn more about issues that frighten us, to take back control that helps us survive and have better lives.

Too much anxiety is built into lives nowadays…..schools educating to get the banner that says “outstanding” on the school gates, wanting to earn ever higher salaries and wages, having to own the “right” car, live in an expensive house, getting into debt going to Uni, hav8ng the “perfect” face, body, lifestyle. It’s all frankly blocks if none of it brings happiness. Super rich people are some of the most fcaked up individuals on this Earth. Happiness and stability are real riches.

If I had to say two main factors (imho) I’d say 1. Inadequate parenting - they all want to be ‘mates’ and cool rather than set boundaries and expectations and 2. Tech/social media - the pressure created by being constantly available coupled with ‘activities’ done solo on a screen rather than getting out in person to do something.

Christ, as if being expected to go to school every day made up for the lack of food in the house and the air raid sirens at night and the rush to the Anderson shelter in the back garden. The pet dog and cat put down, years and years of hand-me-down clothing, the daily news of Hitler's advance, the friends whose older brothers and dads were off fighting, several of them killed, and her own dad (injured during WWI) going off to be a fire warden in central London most nights...

Covid doesn't explain it all and it's really very insulting of you to argue that it does.

As an example, we've had 5 emails in seven days from my DD's school about the type of earrings allowed to be worn, and the rules are so strict as to be ridiculous.

Hmmm @ginnybag - I guess we could go on forever swapping war stories, but at my secondary school (bog-standard large comp - 1000 pupils) in the first half of the 1970s:

• Boys were threatened with expulsion for having hair that reached to their collars (let alone longer)
• Girls' skirts were regularly measured to ensure "appropriate" length
• Girls never permitted to wear trousers
• Girls who wanted to take Woodwork, or Technical Drawing or Metalwork were forbidden (unless they were in the lower streams who were due to leave school at 14)
• Boys were taught said manual skills; girls were taught Sewing and Cooking
• Sexist bullying happened All.The.Time in every respect.
• It was very difficult for girls menstruating - no disposal facilities, no permission ever to leave classes. Somehow boys always knew and would make audible jokes about fish etc. Teachers never said a word

And so on ...

Would there have been that much of an effect on the US population? They were only involved in WW1 for the last 19 months, there was no conscription and very few of the babies born in the autumn 1918-early 1919 period mentioned had fathers who were in combat, for obvious reasons. I can see that it would be a problem in populations who were more exposed to the effects of the war but that's not really the US.

People saying they should be resilient and just get on with it can’t be living with a seriously mentally ill child. My DD’s anxiety is not the same as my nerves when doing a presentation or the worry I might feel before an important meeting. She is has been physically ill, compulsions, OCD, crying, shaking, terrible non-stop intrusive thoughts. I can’t force her to ‘just go to the shop’, she seems so vulnerable and traumatised. She is on medication and in therapy but she still rings me regularly from school feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope. What do I do? All I want is a healthy, happy daughter. The thought that I have made her like this through my parenting is horrendous as I have been loving, supportive and tried to make her life as rich as possible. Anyone who is in our situation, I feel your pain. I don’t know why so many young people are like this, but pushing through it as suggested is not always possible.

Do you think, in retrospect, that just getting on with it meant that you learned to cope? You learned to override the feeling and get on with life For me “just getting on with it” affected my A levels and my degree, and left me with self esteem problems that blight me 50 years later.

It's very silly of you to invent things like this. Why on earth would you think saying something about WW2 is even giving a view on covid? The two aren't inherently linked, despite the tendency of some MNers to insist on harking back to the Blitz every time lockdown is brought up.

You also need to understand that talking about the communal nature of an experience isn't the same as making a value judgement about how hard it is.

"They were bombarded with fear porn for much longer than "a couple of months of lockdowns", though. "Don't see your friends, or you will kill granny."

'Fear porn'?

Do you mean young people were advised that socialising in groups increased the risk of contracting covid?

And that if their elderly or frail relatives caught this it could be life threatening?

You think kids shouldn't have been advised of this?

It’s worth remembering that increased anxiety and mental health problems among children were rapidly rising pre-pandemic, so we can’t blame it all on that.

Covid and lockdowns were the icing on the cake. This is a problem that's been building over a couple of generations. The problem was recognised in the mid-1990s and programs like Sure Start were put in place. They were fantastic programs, with a very simple premise - you fix problems in adulthood by starting to address issues before parents become parents and then support parents and children throughout their early years. Better parenting skills and investment in early years health and social care, and education save money in the long run.

Over the last 14 years successive Conservative governments have steadily dismantled parenting, early years and youth support services. Throw a major stressor at the population such as Covid and a cost of living crisis and the weakened societal and individual coping mechanisms start to fail.

Yes, her GCSEs are very good so it’s not as if any doors are closed, thankfully. She gave college a go last year and had the same result as sixth form, if not worse. Turned into an anxious, depressed mess again and was advised to drop out as she’d missed so much class.

I think we’re going to have to try another route - it’s A levels in general that seem to set her off.. I’m just not sure what that other route could be! It’s not as if she just can’t manage life in general, she has a pretty full on part time job which she adores. She wants to study Physiotherapy and certainly has the ability both academically and personally, it’s getting there that’s the issue

I have to give MNers their credit, most people in this thread seem to understand that lockdown is one of multiple issues at play. That it should neither be dismissed nor used to exclude any other. There's been some nonsense, but on the whole it's been a fairly balanced discussion thus far.

I have two in this age group and they’re doing ok, all things considered.

Eldest is 19 and has ADHD. She had an eating disorder shortly after lockdowns ended. It was tricky for a while but a good therapist really helped her. Her attendance in Y12 and 13 was patchy, but she wasn’t anxious as such. Just swerving lessons a lot, mainly because she had fallen behind in two of her subjects and didn’t want to deal with the issue. She didn’t do brilliantly in her A Levels as a result. But she did pass them all! She is really well at the moment. Has chosen not to go to University for now but is working, and has some lovely friendships, she drives and goes on trips with friends. She understands that doing nothing (in terms of study/work) isn’t an option, and nor is believing that her ADHD prevents her from doing things.

Other DC is 16. He’s a pretty stoic, solid character but did suffer panic attacks during the GCSE period, which took me by surprise a bit. He took some medication which helped. He got through it all, and passed all his GCSEs, albeit not with stellar grades. He is at college now and has a part-time job. Plays sport regularly, spends a fair bit of time doing outdoorsy things and has a nice friendship group. Anxiety seems to have diminished.

So I feel grateful that they’re doing all right- I do think lockdowns had a huge impact- on everybody- but especially the young. It’s natural as a parent of teens and young adults to sometimes think/say ‘When I was your age, I….’ But I have to catch myself and remember that their experience of childhood and adolescence isn’t the same as mine was! I do keep my expectations high for both though. They’re both capable of work and study, using public transport and managing basic life tasks, despite a few barriers along the way.

But a fairly significant number of their peers are struggling with anxiety, plus general malaise etc. Several are struggling to commit to college/work/University. I do worry for that generation.

How much of that was due to the Great Depression (1929-39)? It would have severely restricted access to education and may well have resulted in malnutrition. There was a terrible shortage of jobs, so little chance to get established in a decent career. If you get off to a bad start it's difficult to recover.

There's too much pressure all round for young people. They had to deal with covid but also such a lot of pressure in the school system, so much competition, then the worry of so much debt at Uni, no decent jobs, no hope of getting a house. It's just ongoing stress and worry. My two eldest seem ok although eldest works massively long hours and looks constantly knackered but I worry for my youngest two. DD had quite severe anxiety. Niece who is a year younger than dd severely self harmed, all my friends kids have some MH issues, ADHD, severe depression , anxiety. It's rife and so sad.
I'm sure dd's anxiety was related to covid somewhat- we had to pull her out of school even before lockdown was announced as dh has severe asthma and we had to protect him, she knew the seriousness of it all. DD missed ut on a lot, she was year 11 at the time, missed out on seeing her friends when they left school, no school prom etc - all the things she had looked forwards to through secondary school.
Lots of kids would have been worried sick about parents who were health care workers, or have lost relatives or grandparents.

I understand lockdown had an impact. But I think they also have a whole new language now which allows them to identify with concepts that frankly just didn’t exist when we were kids. People did not talk about anxiety when I was a child. You might be nervous or worried but the concept of suffering from anxiety just never came up. Yes it’s better to be open about these things but have we gone too far. It’s normal to worry, it’s normal to feel down at times. Giving in to it how ever is damaging, you have to keep going, that’s how you get through the normal experience of it. Sure there are mental health conditions that need more treatment but for the most part that’s not what we’re talking about.

They often are.

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

I also wonder why people are so anti the idea that there are some unintended, negative consequences to the covid lockdowns. That their child bounced back, so it’s impossible that others didn’t.

I don’t think lockdown was my DD’s whole story, but it’s certainly a massive twist in the tale.