To feel this way about BIL's attitude towards me?

[halloweenbabycakes]

Me and my partner have been together for 11 years and have a baby who is almost 1 and I am pregnant with baby 2.

My partner has just told me that his brother fathered a child outside of his long term relationship and that the mother of this child would like to meet our baby.

I was really surprised when my partner advised me that the child was now 4.

Partner had also attended the baby shower at the time alongside a mutual friend and his partner.

Me and BIL have always got on OK (so I thought).

Anyway in the 11 years that we have been together BIL has never invited me to any of his kids parties, his home and I have never met his youngest kids who range from 10 to 4.

This has made me feel excluded but obviously it's his choice.

BIL now is expecting to bring the long term partner round to our baby's birthday tea in a few weeks.

I have told my partner that since I have never met his youngest kids or ever been invited to any of kids parties I dont want his partner coming round either as it works both ways.

The partner isn't overly friendly on the handful of occasions that I have met her and I did try and make the effort with her but it wasn't reciprocated.

I never got to have a baby shower last time in my pregnancy as our baby was premature so this time I do want a baby shower and my partner is hoping to invite both of these women separately( 1 I have never even met ).

I really don't feel comfortable with this as I don't know them but my partner has said that BIL feels very offended by him not being able to bring his partner and mother of his child round.

Surely I'm not being unreasonable?

It’s all a bit tit-for-tat “I’ve not been to your house, so your not coming to mine” … I mean you are all adults, grown ups - because that’s a bit playground

If you don’t like her fine, just say that

As for the rest of it, can’t work out who’s had children with BIL, and who’s coming over ..

Strange…

I completely understand your thinking. You weren’t close enough to invite to the baby mum’s ’ baby shower or the partner’s children’s parties but are expected to entertain everyone at your party ?

It sounds like they’ve only let you know “the secret” because the woman wants to meet your baby and attend your baby shower. Why should she be invited simply because she wants to attend ?

I wouldn’t be impressed that my partner kept this secret for 4 years. I wouldn’t have been bothered by lack of invite but you and your partner have been together for ages and he could have told you. I thought baby showers were all women events?

Do the partner and “baby mum” even get along ?

whats the drip feed? in 11 years youve never been invited to BIL's kids parties? why? whats happened

I wouldn't want any part of that disaster.

I don't know anything about the etiquette of baby showers because they didn't exist when I had my babies.
But it seems like all the other social occasions like weddings, funerals etc they seem to be a minefield of upset feelings and dilemmas.
Personally I couldn't be bothered with your Bil's complicated personal life and if it will be a happier occasion without him and his multiple partners and children I would go with not inviting him.

What an odd situation, I would be more worried about what a fucking liar your partner is tbh.

That's basically what it is, because the OW wants to meet the baby my partner has had to tell me.

I am really flabbergasted that my partner kept this from me for 4 years to be honest, I guess that's a different story.

The two women don't get along at all, I think the partner was unaware until the woman knocked on her front door and told her what had been happening.

I honestly don't know what he has never invited me to his kids parties, my partner just shrugs when I aka him.

I’d be wondering why your partner is advocating for his brother’s women but didn’t do the same for you. I assume that your partner has met the children ages 4 to 10 and is invited to the children’s parties in which case BIL is cheeky to demand 3 invites to an event that is for the mum to be and her female friends and family. Neither woman seems to come under this umbrella considering their treatment of you.

Was your partner invited to the birthday parties that you weren't invited to?

And, if I'm reading it correctly, your DP knew about the other woman and her baby?

My dh wouldn't keep things of that magnitude from me.

I wouldn't give a shit about invitations but I would care about being lied to by my partner.

I’m sorry but I think that the secret is a big deal. Most people would have told their partner and asked that they pretended not to know. You only know everything because of the baby shower and how will it work if they don’t get along ? You don’t need that kind of drama.

Partner has met all of the children and attended all parties for them.

Partner knew about the OW from when she was pregnant and has been to her house with BIL and other family members to meet the little girl.

I did ask partner why he never told me as I wouldn't of told anyone, he just says "it was my brother business and he didn't want anyone to know unless it was a need to know basis and now we have a baby the woman would like her daughter to meet her cousin".

Has your partner never explained why you haven't been invited to family events but he has? I find the whole scenario really strange. I wouldn't want to meet the OW however, you can't stop your partner meeting her with your child.

The two women don't get along at all, I think the partner was unaware until the woman knocked on her front door and told her what had been happening.

I would be telling your partner, unequivocally, that you will have no part of this insane drama. You will not be spending time with his partner, his affair partner, whether they are together or separately. Discussion over. I wouldn't touch this nonsense with a barge pole.

It sounds like your BIL is living a double life with two separate families, and your partner and his family support and facilitate this.

Meeting the kids is the least of your worries.

You know that saying “you are the company you keep”.

How these two women are being treated by your partner and his family will be you at some point in future, if not already - you just haven’t found out about it yet. Why do you think you’ve never met BIL’s other kids. Is it because your partner taking an OW to those family events.

Don't have anything to do with any of them. All of them thought you and your dc are not good enough for 4 years so they can all continue keeping away. Your dp isn't really a good dp either.

Do both women want an invite because they are competing against each other ?
I bet that if you told your partner that you won’t neither woman there, then he’ll make it his business to tell them all exactly what you’ve said about the situation.
I wouldn’t be able to trust someone who didn’t tell me stuff like this and know me well enough that o wasn’t going to broadcast it. Presumably the only people that would be interested were at the children’s parties and knew anyway.

Your partner is the issue. If I wasn't invited to a party and he was he wouldn't go. We also don't keep secrets from each other.

Are you sure the child is BiL's and not your dp's? But anyway I think pps have probably nailed it that its a shitshow in your dps family and whatever the reason your dp is being so shady it's a bad sign. And I DEFINITELY wouldn't be getting involved. Your baby shower, your guest list, your dp can keep his and his menfolks' beaks out.

The two women don't get along at all, I think the partner was unaware until the woman knocked on her front door and told her what had been happening. And he wants you to host them both? Together? In the same room? Well that has chaos and drama written all over it.

I think baby showers are a little bit daft, but if you’re going to have one, shouldn’t the guests all be people that you’d be happy to spend time with? People who are happy for you and want the best for you? I wouldn’t be inviting either one of them. Tell your DH that he’s welcome to make his own arrangements for introductions, but you think BiL is rude, his ex is rude and you have zero interest in giving the OW the opportunity to be rude as well.

Your partner is as odd as his brother. Why on earth does he go to kids parties without you?

And why doesn't he see that it's perfectly reasonable for you to say you don't want a complete stranger at your child's birthday simply because they want to check you/your child out. Why the fuck does this randomer's wishes outweigh yours?

I wouldn't want a stranger in my home. It's very entitled of BIL and his OW. I could not give a fuck if BIL is 'offended', I'd be pretty offended by his demands when he's had 11 years to get to know me and not bothered much.

So your partner was happy to attend his brother's parties and to leave you at home? But he now expects you to host all BIL's children and his partner and the OW at your baby's 1st birthday party and your baby shower?

Tell him, absolutely not.

Your partner not telling you about this child and him attending all those parties is shady as fuck.

I don't really understand why your bil and long time partner are coming to a baby's party in the first place or is it actually a together for adults?

That aside I wouldn't be entertaining any of those people and I'd be having a conversation with my partner about what's acceptable.

So you weren’t allowed to go with him to the parties?

You've never been to BIL childrens birthday parties in 11 years ?

You dont know either the sil and her children or the OW and her child.

The two women dont get on , obviously.

No absolutely not gonna happen. There will be drama at YOUR baby shower.

I'd arrange ge to meet sil and her children at another time. Build some links with her and her children. Explain that you are hurt by being excluded from family parties. Tru and find some common ground with her. Bypass your dp and the odd bil. If you like her arrange for further meet ups . Explain that the baby shower is just for your nearest and closest female friends. Tell her you arent close but would like to be in the future and before you go organise to meet up again for coffee or playdate.
Tell your SIL you know about the other mother .

You can chose to meet the other mother and child and build a friendship with her too. But tell her the same - you are happy to meet here and begin a friendship with her...but she isnt invited to the baby shower as it's for close friends only.

Your child has family they dont know yet, and mothers need other mothers.

Dont involve your dp or his BIL. Leave them and their wierd nonsense.

Motherhood and sisterhood outweigh the men in this family. Bypass them.