To feel this way about BIL's attitude towards me?

[halloweenbabycakes]

Me and my partner have been together for 11 years and have a baby who is almost 1 and I am pregnant with baby 2.

My partner has just told me that his brother fathered a child outside of his long term relationship and that the mother of this child would like to meet our baby.

I was really surprised when my partner advised me that the child was now 4.

Partner had also attended the baby shower at the time alongside a mutual friend and his partner.

Me and BIL have always got on OK (so I thought).

Anyway in the 11 years that we have been together BIL has never invited me to any of his kids parties, his home and I have never met his youngest kids who range from 10 to 4.

This has made me feel excluded but obviously it's his choice.

BIL now is expecting to bring the long term partner round to our baby's birthday tea in a few weeks.

I have told my partner that since I have never met his youngest kids or ever been invited to any of kids parties I dont want his partner coming round either as it works both ways.

The partner isn't overly friendly on the handful of occasions that I have met her and I did try and make the effort with her but it wasn't reciprocated.

I never got to have a baby shower last time in my pregnancy as our baby was premature so this time I do want a baby shower and my partner is hoping to invite both of these women separately( 1 I have never even met ).

I really don't feel comfortable with this as I don't know them but my partner has said that BIL feels very offended by him not being able to bring his partner and mother of his child round.

Surely I'm not being unreasonable?

I’m sorry but you are focusing on the wrong thing here. It’s like you are looking for issues with your BIL and his shit show life when he is the least of your concern.you partner OF 11 bloody years!!! Made you like his dirty little secret and never made you part of his family events. So odd. Are you the OW? What other secrets is your partner keeping from you? What’s changed now?? Has he got a secret family as he obviously can compartmentalise and lie about things? Where did he say he was going when attending the second family’s parties? Honestly I have so many questions about this. None of this even touch the brothers shit show of a life. I understand you are pregnant so to hear your partner is a huge compulsive liar must be difficult! What family and friends have you got to talk to about this because I’m sorry worried you are being taken for a ride by your partner but are not in a postition to see it yet.

I'm just wondering in 11? years of being together why your partner has, in my opinion and in the way I would see it, kept these things hidden and why he's not fought your corner because he's married to you (I'm assuming your married as your saying "brother in law") and his allegiance is to you and not the bil, the bil's bit on the side, again in my opinion, has nothing to do with you so I too would be thinking why would I wan't to invite her I don't know her I've never met her and if the bil's partner knows about this ow and they don't like/get along why would you want them both in the same room.
Top and bottom for me would be.....this is a 1 year old's birthday party not an adult's party, I wasn't good enough to attend your children's party's so I have a say on who attends my child's parties (kids or adults), I wasn't good enough or trusted enough to be told about this ow and her child even though other family members knew, if that sounds like tit for tat that is the way it would make me feel rightly or wrongly.
The more I'm reading your post and the posts of the others I'm thinking and feeling I couldn't trust or depend on my partner if he behaved in the same way as yours has,keeping secrets about his brothers ow I'd be thinking what else is he keeping secret has he got aw I would find this rolling around and around my head and my trust would shift massively...but then that's me it's how you feel right now that matters
Stay calm and talk to your partner about the way you feel about the situation, don't shout or throw stuff......I'm a great thrower of stuff and it gets me no where at all,
Good luck I hope you get the answers AND support you need on the matter

What on earth has the OW got to do with you or your baby??

Keep them and their complicated relationships away. Pregnancy can be stressful - blame your blood pressure and just pick the people you want.

When all's said and done, you are the one carrying the baby and facing the birth and all it's added discomforts. You should put yourself first and so should your partner.

I wouldn't want to invite that much drama into my home personally. I'd maybe be open to spending some time with them in a neutral place when you're up for it.

This, this, and this.

Sounds like a bit of a mess, but at least you have a partner who will step out of his comfort zone for his new niece or nephew. The child matters more than the misbehaviour of the parents, and your partner sounds like a good person. I would try to go with the flow and not take any sides, and build up a family and community as far as possible for the little one.

No. I’d act astonished and just keep saying that BIL has made it clear that he doesn’t consider you family, so you can’t see what these women have to do with you and obviously you aren’t inviting strangers to YOUR baby shower. And you don’t understand why your partner thinks any different as he hasn’t had an issue with BIL excluding you either. He’s never stuck up for you and told BIL that you should be invited to events as his partner. So now he can tell BIL the same.

The real problem here is your partner. Tell him that if he doesn’t start making it clear to BIL that you all come as a package and are family, there isn’t going to be a relationship between the children. Oh he can do what he likes himself, and clearly has done so far without the slightest sense of loyalty towards you. Fine. But that doesn’t include your joint kids. He doesn’t get to push you, the children’s mum, off to the side and acts like he’s the one who makes the decisions on who goes where. This is YOUR family too and you’re just as much in the driving seat.

So no, no BIL partners.

I wouldn't invite either of them. They aren't your friends and I certainly wouldn't entertain BIL and his GF to your house if they've never invited you

I think you've nailed it amyds2104 its what I was thinking too when I put in my post that my trust would shift massively and if he was attending bils parties who was he taking if not the op!!!!!!!

The answer to all of them is no, too late. And your DH is a dick.

Your BIL basically wants your kids to have a relationship. I don't think he likes you and his partner, by the sound of it, doesn't either. That's no reflection on you, it sounds like the cba to get to know you.

Remember you choose your friends not your family. If I was you, I'd only have my friends and family at the baby's tea or baby shower etc. You can arrange a family something separately - maybe a meal out or high tea, itll be nice for you all to be on your own in neutral territory. I mean who knows what the behaviour would be like and how much it might sour the events if they came to your house....

Once you know them better, and they aren't AHs, you can open your home to them.

So the OW wants your kids to be cousins … does her 4 yo meet their half siblings, I wonder?

I would communicate direct with BIL and ask why you have never been invited to his kids parties or met his kids. Just ask in a neutral curious sort of way.

But I do wonder what else is being hidden here.

Aren’t baby showers women only? Tell him you are only having closest friends, not people you have never met.

None of these people would be coming to my baby's birthday tea, and your DH needs to grow a spine.

Sorry. Too many ‘partners’. I’m not sure what’s going on. So there’s Effective SIL and OW. OW wants to come to your baby shower (why?). You have not met ESIL and never been invited to meet her children. But that’s probably down to BIL.

Honestly? Stay out of it. You don’t have to invite someone to your baby shower just because they want to come. You can meet the OW at another time, if you want, but insist that you are not part of a group keeping secrets from ESIL. Find a way to tell her.

He's lied to OP for four years and been happy to see her excluded from family events. And you think he sounds like a good person? Raise your bar.

Given that you talk about your BiL's younger children being aged under 10, how many has he got altogether? It sounds like he has quite a history when it comes to relationships.

I must say, I'd worry about being in a family where everyone apparently think it's fine to have ongoing relationships with two women at once.

Will Jeremy Kyle be going?

Confused about who’s who, Do you know BIL’s DP?

your DP lied to you by omission for several years (his reasons are crap), has been fine with you not even meeting some of his nieces/nephews, and now wants you (he didn’t ‘have to’ at all) to host BiL’s OW and for OW to meet your DC. Red flags about your DP.

It's quite a strange set up where you are kept completely separate from your partner's family, not attending parties etc, but suddenly they want to come round?

You've got a problem with your partner here, not his brother.

The fact that your partner is acting as if this is all normal and above board is bizarre. They've invited him and excluded you for years. There's a huge family secret you were kept unawares about - by your partner of eleven years - and now everyone is acting like they're entitled to stake their claim on your unborn infant.

No, you stand your ground, OP. AND you find out why your partner a.) felt it was appropriate to lie to you for four (almost five?) years, and b.) why he never played hell about you being excluded in the first place.

And blimey, do not host those women. Your baby shower will be a battleground.

Don't have a baby shower, problem solved!

my partner is hoping to invite both of these women separately( 1 I have never even met )

No way. You shouldn't have to meet anyone for the first time at your own baby shower! How on earth will that be relaxing and enjoyable for you? That's the point of it after all.

I would bring that up with your partner and say it won't make it a good day for you. That should be his priority. If your BIL's baby mama wants to meet you, she can invite you somewhere. Or he can. That's how it works, not expecting other people to invite you!

Agree with others that there's something off about all this anyway but I would tackle it this way for now. You don't want to meet them for the first time at your own party, and you'll wait to be invited somewhere by them. Tell your partner to pass that on.

But she wants to have one. That also just spoils OP's plans. Why should she give that up because other people are weird?

I thought I was the only one who couldn't follow this story! Too many partners indeed! Can someone rewrite it with names for the hard of understanding please

What on earth?
This whole story is baffling.
Erm no none of these woman would be coming. None!!
Why would you want to feel uncomfortable it's your own baby shower that you're meant to enjoy with family and friends, but these women seem like neither. Imagine it all kicking off!!
Also your partner having this secret probably means he has more if you get my drift. The baby showers the last thing I would be stressing about after finding out my partner had not only kept this from me, but also was friendly enough with the other woman to attend her celebrations and want her at yours. I would have many many questions. Hope you're okay OP and please put your foot down, especially after what happened with your other pregnancy