To feel this way about BIL's attitude towards me?

[halloweenbabycakes]

Me and my partner have been together for 11 years and have a baby who is almost 1 and I am pregnant with baby 2.

My partner has just told me that his brother fathered a child outside of his long term relationship and that the mother of this child would like to meet our baby.

I was really surprised when my partner advised me that the child was now 4.

Partner had also attended the baby shower at the time alongside a mutual friend and his partner.

Me and BIL have always got on OK (so I thought).

Anyway in the 11 years that we have been together BIL has never invited me to any of his kids parties, his home and I have never met his youngest kids who range from 10 to 4.

This has made me feel excluded but obviously it's his choice.

BIL now is expecting to bring the long term partner round to our baby's birthday tea in a few weeks.

I have told my partner that since I have never met his youngest kids or ever been invited to any of kids parties I dont want his partner coming round either as it works both ways.

The partner isn't overly friendly on the handful of occasions that I have met her and I did try and make the effort with her but it wasn't reciprocated.

I never got to have a baby shower last time in my pregnancy as our baby was premature so this time I do want a baby shower and my partner is hoping to invite both of these women separately( 1 I have never even met ).

I really don't feel comfortable with this as I don't know them but my partner has said that BIL feels very offended by him not being able to bring his partner and mother of his child round.

Surely I'm not being unreasonable?

This is so, so shady. I'm baffled why this other woman suddenly wants to meet your baby so much she has to come to the birthday tea (surely it'd be better to have a 1-1 playdate where the kids meet each other properly). The baby shower is out of the question, obviously - that's an event for you, not the kids, so why would you invite a stranger? As others have said though, the real issue is that your partner has decided to advocate for this other woman and BIL over you. He doesn't seem to care about your feelings and seems overly invested in the feelings of someone he supposedly doesn't know well. Really really odd. If they're so keen for the kids to meet your BIL can invite you all round rather than muscling in on your baby's birthday. Don't bother with the birthday - hold firm and maybe your partner will be forced to be honest about why he's acting so oddly.

How do you invite 2 women separately to the same baby shower?

Time slots?

Tell your partner not to be so fucking stupid & that you want people there who you know/like.

Then dump the twat!

Me neither.

@halloweenbabycakes you’ve not been invited to any of his kids parties is one thing- if you don’t have kids, there’s no need to put yourself through that fresh hell.

but to never have been to their house in 11 years IS odd, his dp being offhand and cold with you is another reason for not throwing your arms open wide and embracing this shit show.

as for the other woman and the 4yo kid? That’s proper weird! I can’t see that you welcoming HER to anything will help with the BIL dp relationship either

youre on a hiding to nothing with the lot of them.

tell your OH not to make plans that involve any of this, no promises for your attendance at anything and your baby shower is for your friends and family, you don’t know these women well enough to have them there, blah blah limited numbers etc etc

the main line I would be using is “what’s the rush? It’s been 11 years already, let’s take things at a natural pace and not rush to plan anything”

What everyone else said. This is all bonkers. I would also wonder if you’ve been kept from family events because your partner is hiding something. He seems very comfortable with his brother’s infidelity too.

But the weirdest thing is that your partner went to the OW’s baby shower. Why? I thought baby shower’s were women only events.

Which of his families does BIL live with?

It is not just the parties that the OP has been excluded from. The OP hasn't met the BIL's youngest children at all - who range from 10 years to 4 years.

I suspect a lot of tangled webs have been woven over the years, of which the OP knows nothing about.

I suspect that the DP is as dodgy as the BIL and that the OP is living with someone for 11 years who is untrustworthy and is not the person she may think he is.

My cackles would be on high alert if this has been the carry on and I would be less interested in tit for tat (I couldn't go to your party so you can't come to mine frippery) and more asking the DP,

What the actual fandango is going on around here? How could you be so deceitful about this for four years; do I know you at all?

Can I actually trust you and what else haven't you told me?

Why after 11 years together, do you see me as a family outsider to keep things from?

How could you be so duplicitous sitting across the kitchen table from me like nothing has happened and knowing you were going to meet this woman and her child and yet, carrying on quite happy to keep this secret with your family behind my back?

In what world is it ok to lie so readily? What else are you not telling me?

Why are you ok with your brother completely excluding me (your partner) from your family circle and from the lives of his children?

Why, over the eleven years that we have been together, haven't you fought my corner but would fight the corner of your brothers partner and his bit on the side in the blink of an eye? Again, is there something else you would like to tell me?

Are our children not as important to you? Am I not as important?

And that's just for starters.

This is one hell of a family you're in the middle of

I see you're not married. Are you on house deeds? Equal partners?
Because I wouldn't trust any of them further than I could throw them

There is so much qrong with this scenario. So your partner goes to family events with his nieces and nephews but you're not invited, he just accepts this and doesn't ask why at all?

The BiL forces the two women who are mothers of his children to meet at family events?

The BiL has decided that your child's birthday is the appropriate time to reveal a family secret and for the other woman to meet your baby

The men in that family seem to rule everything without giving a shit about the woman's feelings, they seem to believe that women exist to give children to their families

I don't think your thread title should be about your BiL, why are you ignoring the fact your partner seems to be encouraging his brother to completely disrespect you, and is disrespecting you himself.

This family dynamic sounds nuts to me. You've been together for 11 years but have never met any of your (essentially) nieces/nephews in that time, but your partner regularly does?! Does your child know their cousins? What kind of family home life do you all have to be sloping around on clandestine visits like this. So the BIL is still with the mother of his four other kids, even after cheating and having a 4yo with someone else? And both women want to come to your baby shower?! What a fucking shit show, there's no way I'd have that shit unfolding at an event that's meant to be nice for me!!!!

Been there. Without outing myself your BIL is probably the least of your problems. What you have here is a partner who's entire family keep secrets and collude as a matter of course. This won't change. It will eventually be your turn . What else don't you know?

This. Deeply disrespectful behaviour by both your DP and your BIL

Oh this, you put this so much better than me!

Are you sure it’s your BIL who has fathered this child OP…..?

What makes you say he sounds like a good person @Sonia1111 ? He’s at best allowed and at worst actively affected the exclusion of his supposed partner from the family. He’s either a lazy, disinterested shit who doesn’t back her or he could be like his brother.

@halloweenbabycakes, I’d just say that no, you aren’t willing to invite people you don’t know and who have shown 0% interest in you into your home for celebrations, especially in circumstances that could bring high drama, but you are open to building a relationship for the future if they would like to and he wants to help. Personally I’d be reading his the riot act about not backing me and what that means for our relationship, but that’s up to you.

Why would this strange woman want to meet your baby? Just say no to all of them!

Why isn't your partner saying well my parented felt very offended not to be invited to your events to his brother? Why has he never stuck up for you and gone to these events alone. Sounds like this is a problem with your partner tbh.

BIL's attitude? I'd be far more worried about your partner's attitude tbh.

Just give your guest list to your bff (or whichever friend is organising your shower) and tell them that's who should be invited. And not have BIL or any of his wives on there. Your baby shower is for you (and your baby). Not for your DH, or any of his crazy family. You.
There is no reason for any of them to crash your shower.
As PP have said, the bigger issue is the secrets. Good luck with talking things through with your DP. Trust is hard to repair

Hi

So I have met BIL's older kids a few times they are late teens and very early 20's.

I have met the DP of BIL a handful of times but have never met the two kids they have.

On the occasions I have met her all she did was ask questions about BIL,s exes and past relationships which BIL didn't like at all.

BIL and partner have different mothers, I am close to his mother (and sisters on his mother's side) and I have met cousins and aunties on his father's side.

The 4 year old girl is definitely BIL,s.

BIL moved out of the family home when his partner discovered everything and he has his own place now and is in between the two women but is still in a relationship with his partner who has stuck by him.

Essentially BIL has two separate families with the children unaware of each other's existence.

I have told partner that under no circumstances that either of these women be invited to my baby shower and any family parties we have they are not invited.

I told him for years I have been excluded and have never met any of his brother's kids so the same rule applies to them, it works both ways.

And I have a feeling that the women want to befriend me to fish for info on the other.

When my baby was born last year they both brought our baby loads of clothes, gifts etc and I thought wow that's really nice of BIL's partner and it was only after I found out that it was the both of them brought the stuff when partner approached me about the OW wanting to meet our baby.

Just say that since you aren’t privy to any of the background to this very messy BIL situation, you don’t want either woman at your do. You don’t want to get embroiled in an unfolding drama, you are pregnant and want calmness and kindness around you.

I do feel very different towards my partner and it does make me wonder about him as he doesn't seem to be very honest about things.

It has caused a lot of tension over the last few days and I told him he should go and stay with his brother as that is where is loyalty seems to lie.
I told him I don't care if his brother is offended as I was offended that I have been excluded all these years but I just got on with his so it is his problem.

To be honest BIL is very deceitful and has a long history of failed relationships with women he has multiple children with various women and one child he isn't even allowed to see.
BIL has been in and out of trouble with the police as well so this guy is trouble but I remain civil for the sake of my partner.

Partner is the complete opposite (he says it's because he was raised with all women) and only has children with me, has never been in trouble with the police etc.

Do you mean invite them separately to the baby shower as in invite them at different times? So the bil is being deceitful to his current partner? I’d want nothing to do with any of this scenario.

The issue here isn’t your BIL it’s your partner.

Hes excluded you from family occasions, he’s kept you in the dark about huge family going’s on and he’s the one who hasn’t spoken up for you.

I'd be telling your partner that his family dramas are his problem and you don't want anything to do with it and you want to keep your children away from it too. His brother sounds like an arsehole and I'd stay away from him and his chaotic lifestyle as much as possible.

Essentially BIL has two separate families with the children unaware of each other's existence.

Quite bizarre in this scenario for this mum to focus on her DD meeting her cousin when there's a whole brood of step-siblings they haven't met yet. YANBU to stay out of the whole mess and keep your DC out of it and leave them to it.

Your baby shower is definitely not the place for the BIL to introduce the two different groups of kids to each other, regardless of if the woman gets on with each other or not. Nobody is thinking about the children being embarrassed and likely to feel betrayed and hoodwinked by both of their parents. Being at a party with lots grown ups and blindsided, is just so inconsiderate as they can't express themselves or leave if they are upset. It could colour the way they think about your child, purely as they associate the betrayal with their first meeting with you.

BIL needs to put his own kids first and explain their relationship to his other kids and allow them to deal with it, before he embroils other family members. This needs to be in a calm environment and in a neutral place, where they have the opportunity to ask questions about it and what it means for the future.

I would have a massive problem with having been excluded from meeting the younger kids from BIL's "official" partner for this length of time. Whilst I can understand your partner might have been conflicted between loyalty to his brother and being honest and open with you, four years is way too long. Especially when his partner found out about the OW, there's no longer a need to "keep the secret". It would make me think that there's some other reason, like maybe the BIL knows a secret your husband might be hiding too.

A good brother would encourage his brother to be honest with the multiple women in his life and give them the respect they deserve. He wouldn't aid and abet or act like is a normal way to behave. He'd also encourage him to think about how his innocent children are treated. Hiding things for years, will only lead to them feeling like they were not important and actively misled.

After BIL has put his house in order, then you can think about making bonds with the other step kids. They are going to be a part of the family but once again, it's a considered and careful thing to foster a relationship that enriches the kids lives and not just because the adults want it!

Id also be cautious about where they spend time together and who is doing the supervision. BIL's history would mean I wouldn't trust him to be alone with them, he's shown he's not got good morals and has a potential to be a threat.

Blended families can work but it requires honesty, consideration and a strong focus on putting the kids needs first. Unfortunately you are starting from a very poor place in this regard, so take it slowly. Try to stay out of the difficulties between the two women who have been treated badly. I'm not surprised they are both desperate to find out details about the BIL, he's a real piece of work!