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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel this way about BIL's attitude towards me?

96 replies

halloweenbabycakes · 24/09/2024 17:49

Me and my partner have been together for 11 years and have a baby who is almost 1 and I am pregnant with baby 2.

My partner has just told me that his brother fathered a child outside of his long term relationship and that the mother of this child would like to meet our baby.

I was really surprised when my partner advised me that the child was now 4.

Partner had also attended the baby shower at the time alongside a mutual friend and his partner.

Me and BIL have always got on OK (so I thought).

Anyway in the 11 years that we have been together BIL has never invited me to any of his kids parties, his home and I have never met his youngest kids who range from 10 to 4.

This has made me feel excluded but obviously it's his choice.

BIL now is expecting to bring the long term partner round to our baby's birthday tea in a few weeks.

I have told my partner that since I have never met his youngest kids or ever been invited to any of kids parties I dont want his partner coming round either as it works both ways.

The partner isn't overly friendly on the handful of occasions that I have met her and I did try and make the effort with her but it wasn't reciprocated.

I never got to have a baby shower last time in my pregnancy as our baby was premature so this time I do want a baby shower and my partner is hoping to invite both of these women separately( 1 I have never even met ).

I really don't feel comfortable with this as I don't know them but my partner has said that BIL feels very offended by him not being able to bring his partner and mother of his child round.

Surely I'm not being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

halloweenbabycakes · 29/09/2024 14:12

Yes BIL wants the women to come at different times with the kids.
I think he gets it in the neck from both women, so he has to keep them happy.

From what I understand BIL's partner refuses to allow the to kids meet the little girl with OW. OW has turned up on her doorstep before.

I think BIL is in relationships with both the women personally and are unaware of it.
I have been out clubbing with partner and BIL and seen him chat up women whilst in a relationship so loyalty defo isn't his strongest point.

I just told partner I don't want me or our kids being dragged into this mess.

The children can all meet as they are cousins but the mothers are not to come to the house under any circumstances as that is just opening a can of worms to a host a whole new level of drama between the warring women.

OP posts:

lemmein · 29/09/2024 14:44

What sort of weirdo wants to go to the baby shower of a complete stranger? Bizarre.

Dinkydo12 · 29/09/2024 15:24

Do what feels right for you. If you don't want them sa no. On the other hand make them look like a- holes for their behaviour and be an amazing hostess.

pinkdelight · 29/09/2024 16:16

Yes BIL wants the women to come at different times with the kids.
I think he gets it in the neck from both women, so he has to keep them happy.

Christ, well your baby shower is exclusively about keeping you happy so it's got FA to do with them and they can all stay well away. Stick to your guns, OP.

NoThanksymm · 30/09/2024 16:16

Oh man! This is a husband problem, less so a BIL problem.

time to move on.

Francine84 · 30/09/2024 19:21

For me the big issue isn't about whether to allow them to come to your baby shower. The problem is your partner. Why did he keep such am enormous secret from you for 4 years? And seems like he only told you because suddenly the OW wants to meet your baby.

Also, every relationship is different but my husband wouldn't dream of attending a family party that I was excluded from. You're meant to be a team, and if your partner's family are excluding you from family occasions then either your partner should insist that you also attend, or not attend himself in solidarity with
you.

I'd find it a bit worrying that he doesn't seem to mind his family excluding you, especially after 11 years together. And also worrying that he's capable of keeping such a big secret from you. What else is he hiding?

Sonia1111 · 30/09/2024 20:43

Dawevi · 29/09/2024 08:57

He's lied to OP for four years and been happy to see her excluded from family events. And you think he sounds like a good person? Raise your bar.

Show quote history

He's not cheating on her. He's just not betraying a secret that isn't his to share. Obviously a good goal is for them to overcome this problem and have a good marriage, or is tantrum the way to have an appropriate bar?

Dawevi · 30/09/2024 21:14

Sonia1111 · 30/09/2024 20:43

Show quote history

Where's the tantrum?

He's lied to her, that's not ok.

Toptops · 30/09/2024 21:17

What a strange thing to happen. I would just invite your nearest and dearest if you're having a little party to celebrate your baby, not a cast of thousands you don't even know or like. (I know your partner was responsible for this.)
I must admit, I think baby showers are odd too. American consumerism.

Dogsbreath7 · 30/09/2024 21:42

Sonia1111 · 29/09/2024 08:27

Sounds like a bit of a mess, but at least you have a partner who will step out of his comfort zone for his new niece or nephew. The child matters more than the misbehaviour of the parents, and your partner sounds like a good person. I would try to go with the flow and not take any sides, and build up a family and community as far as possible for the little one.

Definitely not this, which is saying basically be the little woman and do what they want to keep the peace. What century are we living in?

theonlygirl · 30/09/2024 22:43

Not only are you not unreasonable but this is one of the most bizarre things I've ever read on here. There is so much wrong here, I don't even know where to start.

Original poster

halloweenbabycakes · 30/09/2024 23:47

To be honest my partner was the perfect partner until he reconnected with his brother.
He would tell me everything and we had the best relationship.

I find his brother is a really bad influence on him and a stirrer.
He has a terrible attitude towards women and is also very sexist and that attitude has unfortunately rubbed off on my partner.

Putting this current situation aside and the majority of posters on here saying the same thing (what I think anyway) think I really need to question this relationship.

After another argument about now his brother's mum coming to the baby shower (someone I have only met once) I have actually told partner tonight that me and the kids would actually be good without him seeing as I earn more money than him, I solely own this house (parents helped my purchase it) and I have a good support network.

I asked him why doesn't he go and move in with his brother since that is where is loyalty lies and whose feelings obviously come first.

OP posts:

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 01/10/2024 04:45

He has a terrible attitude towards women and is also very sexist and that attitude has unfortunately rubbed off on my partner.

Nah, he was always like that. He just hid it well.

YankSplaining · 01/10/2024 04:55

The guests at your baby shower should be people who are part of your life, not people your partner wants to invite because of ulterior motives. Who’s hosting the baby shower, and how do they feel about this?

TemuSpecialBuy · 01/10/2024 05:15

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2024 17:57

I wouldn't want any part of that disaster.

Agreed.
This would be a hard no from me

If they (dh and bil) are so desperate for a 4 and 1 yr old cousins to meet they can do it at softplay or the park on ANY random sat or sun.
They don't NEED to hog your babies birthday and make your childs 1st birthday all about them and BILs need to do a makegood because he couldnt keep his dick in his pants

The child has a bunch of half siblings, are they all meeting regularly and attending each others birthdays?
surely thats enough without dragging your child into this dysfunctional circus too?

Edit:
I asked him why doesn't he go and move in with his brother since that is where is loyalty lies and whose feelings obviously come first
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 01/10/2024 16:48

Good for you OP. He should be putting you first and clearly isn’t. It’s really bizarre that he thinks he has any say at all in who attends your baby shower. That event is supposed to be for you!

People are shaped massively by the company they keep. And that includes you. You’re being affected by the proximity of your DHs toxic family.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 06/10/2024 10:50

PollyPage21 · 29/09/2024 08:19

I'm just wondering in 11? years of being together why your partner has, in my opinion and in the way I would see it, kept these things hidden and why he's not fought your corner because he's married to you (I'm assuming your married as your saying "brother in law") and his allegiance is to you and not the bil, the bil's bit on the side, again in my opinion, has nothing to do with you so I too would be thinking why would I wan't to invite her I don't know her I've never met her and if the bil's partner knows about this ow and they don't like/get along why would you want them both in the same room.
Top and bottom for me would be.....this is a 1 year old's birthday party not an adult's party, I wasn't good enough to attend your children's party's so I have a say on who attends my child's parties (kids or adults), I wasn't good enough or trusted enough to be told about this ow and her child even though other family members knew, if that sounds like tit for tat that is the way it would make me feel rightly or wrongly.
The more I'm reading your post and the posts of the others I'm thinking and feeling I couldn't trust or depend on my partner if he behaved in the same way as yours has,keeping secrets about his brothers ow I'd be thinking what else is he keeping secret has he got aw I would find this rolling around and around my head and my trust would shift massively...but then that's me it's how you feel right now that matters
Stay calm and talk to your partner about the way you feel about the situation, don't shout or throw stuff......I'm a great thrower of stuff and it gets me no where at all,
Good luck I hope you get the answers AND support you need on the matter

I use the term BIL and SIL, MIL and my long term boyfriend and I aren’t married but we have been together for 15 years and have two children together so we’re as good as.

PollyPage21 · 06/10/2024 13:41

Sweetie being together for 15 years and having kiddies together as you say you are as good as being married, you don't deserve to be treated in this way you deserve answers.....all the best and good luck

FictionalCharacter · 06/10/2024 14:27

SonicTheHodgeheg · 24/09/2024 18:08

I’d be wondering why your partner is advocating for his brother’s women but didn’t do the same for you. I assume that your partner has met the children ages 4 to 10 and is invited to the children’s parties in which case BIL is cheeky to demand 3 invites to an event that is for the mum to be and her female friends and family. Neither woman seems to come under this umbrella considering their treatment of you.

Exactly.

The party thing is appalling behaviour by both the partner and the BIL. How dare they interfere in a women's social event that's nothing to do with them.

ClockworkDisaster · 06/10/2024 15:36

I would be very wary of putting your children in between this.

If the OW and SIL want their children to be part of your children’s lives but the children of SIL don’t know of the existence of the 4yr old then will your children be expected to keep this huge family secret too? That isn’t fair on them.

abs12 · 06/10/2024 20:22

How are you OP? I hope you have made some decisions now that benefit you and your kids... No-one else.

You dound entirely sensible and reasonable and I'm sorry your partner's behaviour is worsening.

I also hope the upcoming celebrations are awesome. Ive never ever known anyone to be invited to a baby shower other than female and close to the mum to be. Stand your ground because you only get this time once ❤️

PS same for the birthday, close people only. Any other family expectations would be madness

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