To fucking hate this with my toddler?

[Cantdothiss]

Obviously I love ds and I have huge protective feelings towards him and do absolutely all I can to make sure he is as happy as possible.

But im fucking hating parenting at the moment. He's two and two months and I just hate it. I hate dressing him, feeding him, bathing him, driving him anywhere, walking anywhere with him. It’s just all fucking shit. I don’t even think he is that much trouble compared with a lot of toddlers, which shows how pathetic I must be to be finding it so shit.

I honestly despise it. Yes now and then he does or says something cute but it’s mostly just a fucking awful slog and I am sick of being hit or my back hurting from going in and out of fucking car seats. Sick of not being able to think straight when he’s around and sick of having to clear up mess after mess. When will this end? I am so miserable

Sorry but that's really sad.

I find this very uncomfortable to read.

I had 3 under 4 and just can't identify with a parent speaking about their child in these terms.

Well, I see enough to be concerned for the OP’s mental well being. It’s best to seek support way before things look like someone is in immediate danger.

Perhaps you could do with some support as well. Dislike is common, hatred isn’t. As a poster stated upthread, anger & hate were the primary symptoms of her PND. In addition, adult survivors of child abuse often struggle with feelings of anger and hate because becoming a parent stirs up all the childhood memories.

I am glad the OP has had the courage to share her feelings, I for one am not going to minimise or ignore her obvious distress and hate for her life. She deserves support, not to be told that’s just how it is and to suck it up.

They are all-encompassing at that age and if they aren't... well you're doing it wrong! I was shocked by how mundane having young children was but they do get older and it does get better every year in my experience. I now have a 7 year old who can be a lot at times but nothing like the pain of the earlier years.

Hang in there, it does get better

I don’t hate my child. I hate the absolute mundane shit of trying to do any small thing.

These sanctimonious posts are more uncomfortable to read than someone not enjoying toddlers.

Being honest here, I hate life at the moment as well, it doesn’t mean I don’t love my children but I hate the broken nights, I hate the constant mauling and grabbing from them, the fact the second my arse touches the sofa one of them is squawking. I hate the 5am starts on black, cold mornings. I hate having to go to work on three hours broken sleep, I hate days off with them even more as all they do (it sometimes feels like) is cry, whinge, argue, make a mess, cry, whinge, argue, make a mess … Finding I’ve run out of milk at 4pm and massive drama of getting them both in the car seats to nip to the co op. Takes me an hour to chop an onion because the baby crawls in every two seconds demanding to be picked up.

Can’t go anywhere not designed for children, can’t do anything not child orientated, I don’t actually mind that so much, time goes much faster and is easier to manage out of the house but it does mean anything I once enjoyed has had to be put on the back burner and I don’t think I’d mind if I wasn’t so bloody tired all of the time.

i have a sort of friend with children a similar age who carries on with her hobbies and isn’t as wiped out as me, but her kids sleep and both sets of grandparents regularly help which is alien to us. I can see that if you have chilled kids and support it’s fine, me, I’m wading through treacle uphill and so so tired.

These sanctimonious posts are more uncomfortable to read than someone not enjoying toddlers.

Seconded. She can't put the kid back, she's parenting him, she's acknowledged she could be depressed. Why do some posters want her to lie online as well? It's bizarre.

It does sound you feel trapped. I wouldn't believe the posters who said it gets miraculously better by 3 years. Different ages, different problems. Many children start talking back at a very young age which is very unnerving for the parents. You have many years ahead of school runs etc. Then the teenager years to go through. As I have said in my earlier post, now is the time to lay down the foundations for the relationship that can either give you sense of fulfillment, purpose and pride or bring a lot of misery down the line. Something is eating you inside. Please do consider counselling to find out what it is

I do appreciate your life is also a massive struggle. Have you spoken to your health visitor about sleep training? Alternatively, sleep issues are regularly discussed on Mumsnet. There are differences in your post compared to OP. You have a baby and a toddler, she has one toddler. It sounds like you are struggling on your own whist she has good family support- her toddler spends Saturdays with dad and she also has family support on Sundays. Something is very off kilter here which is why quite a few people on this thread voiced concerns. No one is encouraging OP to lie. Instead some people are encouraging her to seek help. As airlines say, first ensure you have your own oxygen supply before trying to help your child. OP feelings of despair at her situation are not proportionate to the situation, even by her onw admission (last sentence in her first post). It's nothing to be ashamed off. It's something to seek help for.

Further to the earlier message- I work as a midwife and I am familiar children safe guarding. I do appreciate some women don't seek help because they worry if they admit their true feelings their child will be taken away. Well, there is a big difference between feelings and acting on those feelings. There's nothing in your post that indicates your toddler is not well looked after. I do however worry for his and yours emotional well-being if things carry on the way they are now. You have no reasons to worry he will be taken away by social services judging by your posts. Please do share your feelings with your health visitor or GP or look for private counselling if you can afford it.

We’ve now got safeguarding because someone’s finding a toddler hard. Seriously?

I worked in safeguarding in a previous life. I’ve seen children living with domestic violence, in appallingly dirty conditions with literal shit on the floor and no sofas, I’ve seen children with no care or stability left to roam around in dodgy areas at all hours of the day and night.

Of course she won’t have her toddler taken away. I doubt that’s even crossed her mind. But some things are just difficult if you’re not really into it. I love children; I don’t love toddlers.

And one toddler only becomes easy once you’ve had a baby. It’s a true fact that when you’ve had two one seems easy. I’m sure parents of three children also think my life is easy!

Agree with the above. OP doesn't have a safeguarding issue. But some women do worry unnecessary

I hate the way private counselling is suggested on threads like this. Just what we all have when we have toddlers: an abundance of time and money!

Anti depressants may help, I don’t know, but I think it’s just not loving age two. I found it extremely challenging and lonely and an endurance test rather than enjoyable. All I’d have got from my HV is ideas to do with DS neither of us would be interested in. As I say he’s now 3, closer to 4, and it’s so much better although he still can be challenging it’s more him plus the other one.

This!
You are describing exactly how I felt at that time OP. It’s so fucking dull sometimes isn’t it??

The old adage of ‘it gets better’ is true, believe me! I’d say when they get to about 4 it starts improving and gets better each year… possibly up to teenage years but I’m not there yet so not sure!

Oh do take a breath. Of course 99% of the time it gets easier than managing life with a 2yr old. Almost every parent on the earth will attest to that.

This thread is getting beyond ridiculous. Sometimes you just need to scream into a pillow. It’s therapeutic to have a rage and feel your feelings.

To be clear about my previous message: I am not suggesting there is anything at all wrong with OP. Toddlers are extremely hard work. I fully support having a space to vent & be honest that it feels like every day is a slog.

What I was saying is that we need a society where mums aren’t isolated in this state. Many societies do a better job of sharing the load of raising kids and do it in community. I’m saying it’s a shame that our society dismisses this horrific struggle for mothers as just “our cross to bear”. It shouldn’t be!

OP has my full support and empathy and I’m sure she is doing a great job given the circumstances.

You’re not alone OP. I hate it when people say this to me, but it really is true that everything is just a phase. This awful phase will be over before you know it. Hang in there in the meantime.

It never ceases to amaze me how, as women, so much is expected of us. Especially when it comes to parenting, we become the centre of a small person’s life and have to do every tiny thing for them - often picking up the lion’s share of tasks and duties while the men in our life get to do the bare minimum and still get applauded for even that.

And to top it off, we have to do it with a smile on our faces and never complain about it!

There's quite a gulf between never complaining and saying you absolutely hate doing everything with your toddler from feeding and walking with them and everything in between.

It just makes me feel sad that someone is at the point where they feel this way and seem to get no pleasure at all out of parenting a toddler.

Knowing that everyone has different levels of support, different experiences with their children (some will have additional needs/disabilities), do you genuinely believe that every parent loves parenthood? You’d be delusional to think so

I hate parenting, I don’t have my children, there’s a difference.

I was diagnosed with PND after both my pregnancies (one was in NICU for an extremely long time). I’ve been on antidepressants since my 2 year old was some months old. People think that by getting support, it flips a switch and you’re suddenly in love with parenting and your day to day life. That isn’t the case.

OP can read up on PND, speak to her GP and even seek therapy. None of that means she will magically stop hating parenting as some people genuinely struggle to adjust to the change. It doesn’t always mean that there’s something wrong and the parent is automatically depressed

Thank you. You’ve summed it up much better than I ever could. This is exactly how I feel with my toddlers. Both of mine are disabled so it’s even worse actually🫠

Toddler years are notoriously stressful and many parents think it's just shit because it can seem to be.

I enjoy parenting my toddler, she is 2 years 5 months. I'm a sahm but I get a break from her as she does morning preschool 4 days, and DH is very present so he does a lot, he does all mornings getting her dressed and fed and all evening baths. I think she is a bit advanced verbally which helps as we can chat and she can understand rules and explanations. She has a great sense of humour and loves new experiences and exploring different places.
She still naps which gives me a break in the afternoons. Our lives revolve around child-friendly activities but I accepted that would be the case when we decided to have her, plus there are enough interesting things nearby where we can take kids (immersive art, classical concerts, opera for kids) which makes it stilll interesting enough for the adults.

I know there are people who don't love parenthood but there is a big gap between not loving it and "hating every minute of it and my favourite part of the day being when they are bed" and that is sad. That person is clearly very unhappy and there is no way the children haven't noticed.

If someone you lived with said "I hate every minute of being with you and my favourite part of the day is when you go to bed so I don't have to tolerate you anymore" you would be very hurt.