To fucking hate this with my toddler?

[Cantdothiss]

Obviously I love ds and I have huge protective feelings towards him and do absolutely all I can to make sure he is as happy as possible.

But im fucking hating parenting at the moment. He's two and two months and I just hate it. I hate dressing him, feeding him, bathing him, driving him anywhere, walking anywhere with him. It’s just all fucking shit. I don’t even think he is that much trouble compared with a lot of toddlers, which shows how pathetic I must be to be finding it so shit.

I honestly despise it. Yes now and then he does or says something cute but it’s mostly just a fucking awful slog and I am sick of being hit or my back hurting from going in and out of fucking car seats. Sick of not being able to think straight when he’s around and sick of having to clear up mess after mess. When will this end? I am so miserable

I get it. Everything is a battle. Everything takes so long. Nappy changes, getting them dressed, finishing a meal, getting them in the car, even walking to the park results in tantrums.

There's a lot of mess and a lot of agro. All the time. But it's normal and it's temporary. Lower your expectations and just try to keep things light.

This won't last forever.

Just as the only getting 1h blocks of sleep newborn phases didn't.

And the screaming with frustration because they'd sussed out they wanted to move, but could yet crawl phase.

And the teething phases.

And whatever other horrendous phases you might have had. They pass, and you block it out and move on, until something occasionally reminds you how bad it was.

Do you have other life stresses? How's your job? You can't "fix" the toddler, (time will), but if you can deal with other sources of frustration and exhaustion, there might be a bit more of the happy bouncy parent that you wanted to be, left over for your toddler?

PS I realised my daughter was responding to my stony faced resignation about the car seat wrestle. If I can plop her in laughing and get her blowing raspberries or grabbing at my coat or some such, it doesnt seem to occur to turn into a bloody rigid starfish / chamber out as fast as I can shove her back in. On the occasions when she doesn't scream in my face, she gets a round of applause.

Getting her to walk rather than plonk her bottom down on the pavement, hold her arms up and grizzle, involves throwing a beanbag 2m and getting her to chase it. Pushing her own pushchair is also a popular game.

No idea if any of this might help. I still end up wrestling or carrying at keast 25pc of the time... :s

This - being a working Mum brings so much pressure. I find it hard balancing being present with getting on with house admin, cooking, washing. It all feels very pressured.

I am concerned too. Your feelings are very extreme and you say they are enduring.

Thanks for all the support. They are bell ends aren’t they!!!! I just needed to hear it I think 😂

Age three though… seems so far away!!! I just dread every little thing. I am a nervous wreck these days feeding him as anything can set him off. And I feel so bloody angry inside with him

I know this is just a tiny bit of your post but is there a way you can get about without using the car seat? That would at least save your back a bit?

Edit - I mean with out the car. So walking with a buggy or using public transport.

I was bored stiff when my children were little, I used to count down the hours until they went to bed. I couldn't believe I'd given up work and earning my own money for the monotony and went back part-time when youngest was 7 (this was in the 80s when SAHM was more usual than now). I sympathise with you, my lovely, and it may be that, like me, you're just not into little children? I came into my own when they were teenagers and it all started to fall into place. Sending a big hug x

I think just know that it's hard. I have one that's 2y 2m too and one that's 3y (almost 4y) and I wouldn't say I enjoy my day-to-day life for exactly the reasons you say. My kids are both pretty easy compared to others but they're still bloody hard work. My 2yo even reared back and gave me a blood nose this week!

It gets easier all the time -- just slowly. Every year is a leap forward though.

The days are long but the years are short.

The days are very very long at times.

Have you considered you might have undiagnosed PND Op?

@SunQueen24 yes possibly do. I’m perfectly fine when not being bombarded by idler mayhem though

Hate is such a strong word.

I think you should seek help before it goes beyond words.

When my youngest was 2, a work acquaintance said “ah you’re still in the dark years”. I felt so seen in that moment! It’s a really difficult age and having to do long stretches of time alone with them can just feel awful. It does get better.
I found it helped to have another grownup around. If that’s at all possible.

I didn’t realise that my issue was PND and PNA until a friend gently encouraged me to do a vita minds self referral. Once I got that under wraps I was a much better, and more content, parent. Parental rage is a huge symptom for me.

I totally feel you, OP. My DD is 2.5 and everything is a chore. Brushing teeth, getting dressed, changing nappies, getting her in her fucking car seat. Everything is a battle and takes 10 times longer than it should and I'm always feeling guilty for losing my patience so easily. I love her more than anything and we do have some good times but my God, toddlers can be arseholes and it's fucking hard.

Can I swap you my dog for your toddler? I love toddlers but struggling with my dog.

We called it being 'in country'.

Best advice I got was if you feel really angry, go somewhere with your toddler. Shops was her advice. You parent better in public.

Were you particularly patient before you had a baby? And if so, are you sleeping badly? Just because having less patience than normal is pretty typical when you’re exhausted. If this is the case, I would prioritise trying to get more sleep. That should help a lot, but it’s unlikely to suddenly make things totally better.

One thing I realised as I got more experienced was that the biggest controllable aspect of parenting that impacted how much I enjoyed it were my expectations. I was invariably more frustrated and found it less good when my expectations of my children were beyond their abilities. I often expected them to be able to do things months (sometimes years!) before they really could. That was everything from being able to dress themselves to them fully understanding what I was saying to them. Every time I adjusted my expectations back to within their capabilities, my experience of parenting improved.

Even with this, I did not really like the baby thru ~5yr old stage much. I just grit my teeth and mitigated it with help/alternative plans/treats/etc. as much as I could.

Solidarity but with mine it got worse when she hit 3. She's always been quite placid child, great vocab and understanding but her fucking attitude at the moment. Refusal to do absolutely anything, have to pin her down to brush teeth, she throws toys, the tantrums, stomping feet.... I love her but I hate her behaviour. 1 year - 2.5 was an absolute dream, now, I feel like running away tbh. I won't get obviously but reading all this "it gets better at 3" makes me feel even worse.

Yes a lot of it is shit, OP. I just had to ride it out until he got to an age I started to enjoy it. For me, that’s about now. He’s 5.

for you, it might be sooner.

Toddlers are the reason I stopped at 2 kids. Give me a newborn anyway. Toddlers though? Fuck no.

Two is definitely the most demanding age (so far) imo. I knew what to do with a baby and felt I didn’t have much of an idea of how to parent a toddler so I did a parenting course through the local family hub (formerly sure start) It was really helpful, especially the peer support from other frazzled parents. They also do free crèche while you take the course. It would help with things like reducing the hitting and increase the ‘worthwhile’ moments. They were very good for mental health support too if you suspect you might have pnd.

My DD was like this. A little cutie at age 2 and a terror at age 3. But DS got it over with in the terrible 2s. Better by age 3.
Hopefully for OP she’s in the worst of it now!

I have 1 easy going, lovely even tempered child. No tantrums, sleeps like a dream etc etc.

But I honestly felt like I was having a breakdown from about 1 year old to 3 years old. I was alone 5 days a week for 10 hours a day, limited money, far away from family and friends and no possibility of childcare until he turned 3.

I got through it and I think I did a good job, plus my husband really helped when he was at home. But I'm still recovering from those days - he's nearly 4.

It's all SO much better now, not least as he attends pre school for 2 days a week.

But back then...wow. I'd gone from 20 years of a career, busy life, lots of friends to just me and a small person. In a new place with no one familiar around. Plus he was born during Covid so limited opportunities to meet other new mums.

You have my utmost sympathy. It will get better, I promise.

I know life with a toddler is not easy but to use so much bad language to describe your life with your child? 😞