Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being sensitive, or is my dh a dick?

94 replies

oObyeOo · 22/09/2024 21:24

Recently got back from a biking event. A sport that I’d say I’m alright at. I spend a lot of time on my bike, pushing myself to try harder and get better. I’m not amazing at it but I can hold my own in enduro races and national events/festivals.

The last few enduros I’ve done I’ve been on the podium for my category.

This weekend was an all women’s festival. It was great fun! Full of women at varying abilities, including pro riders. Everyone was so friendly and encouraging. I had such a great time and felt really good about myself. I even won a fun time trial race for my age group.

I got home all excited and was telling dh about it and he’s completely deflated me with his comments.

Why can’t he just say ‘well done’ ‘Sounds amazing!’ Instead he says ‘were you the only one in your category’ said with a laugh, as a joke apparently. And ‘well done, for someone who doesn’t even pump on a pump track’

It’s just so off hand, and I cashed him out on in. But he just dismissed it as he’s only having a laugh!

But why?! Why not just say well done and leave it at that?

OP posts:
greencheetah · 22/09/2024 21:28

I’m sorry but it sounds like he doesn’t like you very much ☹️

ClarabelleRose · 22/09/2024 21:29

Is this usual behaviour for him? I would want to be with someone who could celebrate me, whatever my achievements. It sounds like your DH is trying to dull your shine. That feels really sad.

Congratulations btw - what a great achievement!

Iggleheim · 22/09/2024 21:32

He’s rained on your parade because he is jealous and wants to control your happiness.
Well done OP. You sound amazing,

HappyMuma · 22/09/2024 21:33

Sounds like he’s jealous! Congratulations on your achievements, I’m really impressed and love to hear about people doing well at something they enjoy! And I’m sure there’s lots of others who feel the same. Don’t let his jealousy spoil your achievements!!

Penguinmouse · 22/09/2024 21:33

He’s a dick and he’s jealous of you. Ignore and enjoy your success.

Paisleydad · 22/09/2024 21:33

Iggleheim · 22/09/2024 21:32

He’s rained on your parade because he is jealous and wants to control your happiness.
Well done OP. You sound amazing,

This.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2024 21:34

Firstly, good for you. I'm often last (running) Grin and I know how much effort that takes so coming first is amazing.

Second, there are men who love this kind of mean 'humour' that is always at someone else's expense. It's tiresome, unfunny and mean. It takes the wind out of your sails because it's meant to.

If you had a proper conversation about how it makes you feel, would he stop? Or would be "blah blah, sense of humour, blah, nag, blah, only joking" at you.

Original poster
oObyeOo · 22/09/2024 21:34

greencheetah · 22/09/2024 21:28

I’m sorry but it sounds like he doesn’t like you very much ☹️

I can’t tell whether it’s jealousy for him being left behind, or yes. That he genuinely doesn’t like me!!

My 10yr old did came with me too and she did so well! Hitting jumps and terrain she’s never done before, and was just gushing over her and how well she did! She did so so well!… But then he dialled it down for me and made it in to a a joke.

OP posts:
sweetpickle2 · 22/09/2024 21:34

He’s a dick, and I’m guessing not just about this. Agree with PP it doesn’t sound like he likes you very much.

Spenditlikebeckham · 22/09/2024 21:35

Tell him it's ok he would win dick head of the decade if such a competition existed..

pizzaHeart · 22/09/2024 21:35

He wasn’t excited or proud for you clearly. His reaction wasn’t nice at all and I have no idea why he behaved like this ( like a dick basically )
possible reasons:

  • he is envious of your biking achievements
  • he is envious of you enjoying life and having friends
  • he resent you spending a lot of time cycling but can’t communicate it properly
  • he doesn’t like you anymore, sorry, and everything about you irritates him a bit
  • he is turning into old grumpy man
Learnfromexperience · 22/09/2024 21:36

Well done you OP!

Your DH is jealous.

Not only did you do well you also had a fun weekend. That he can't bring himself to be happy for you is pathetic.

User364837 · 22/09/2024 21:37

Sounds like my XH. Could never congratulate or be genuinely happy for anyone else, always had to pull them down.
for him I think it was because of his own insecurity and because he’s a very proud person. But it’s not a nice trait. You want a partner who is your biggest cheerleader and bigs you up.

Doubledded123 · 22/09/2024 21:37

Just do the same back. Slow hand clap at any small task he manages.
God this would rile me,
Your contempt will grow and grow.

How dare he?
Fuckwit

Original poster
oObyeOo · 22/09/2024 21:38

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2024 21:34

Firstly, good for you. I'm often last (running) Grin and I know how much effort that takes so coming first is amazing.

Second, there are men who love this kind of mean 'humour' that is always at someone else's expense. It's tiresome, unfunny and mean. It takes the wind out of your sails because it's meant to.

If you had a proper conversation about how it makes you feel, would he stop? Or would be "blah blah, sense of humour, blah, nag, blah, only joking" at you.

No, he would be like ‘yeah, but you’re not very good are you?

It’s like if you’re not elite, or out training every evening then you’re not very good.

So he has for comments such as ‘not bad, for someone who doesn’t go out much, or practice much, or isn’t very good etc. It’s tiring.

OP posts:
ellenpartridge · 22/09/2024 21:38

He sounds completely shit. What a contemptuous response from him. I think this is even worse given you have a daughter doing the sport with you. He's not so subtly shitting on women's sports. Sounds jealous and miserable. Well done to you!

Original poster
oObyeOo · 22/09/2024 21:39

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2024 21:34

Firstly, good for you. I'm often last (running) Grin and I know how much effort that takes so coming first is amazing.

Second, there are men who love this kind of mean 'humour' that is always at someone else's expense. It's tiresome, unfunny and mean. It takes the wind out of your sails because it's meant to.

If you had a proper conversation about how it makes you feel, would he stop? Or would be "blah blah, sense of humour, blah, nag, blah, only joking" at you.

This is exactly it! It’s me being ‘sensitive’ for not taking it as a joke.

OP posts:
MultiplaLight · 22/09/2024 21:41

I would absolutely tear him a new one for this.

When dd is in bed, sit him down and tell him if he ever makes another "joke" like that again he needs to leave. He is modelling to your child that being spoken to like that is acceptable. You don't want her to grow up thinking it is.

Brownstains · 22/09/2024 21:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

ClementineChurchill · 22/09/2024 21:41

Be wary of any man who seeks to put down your achievements … how’s the marriage in general? Too early for me to say LTB?!

Original poster
oObyeOo · 22/09/2024 21:43

User364837 · 22/09/2024 21:37

Sounds like my XH. Could never congratulate or be genuinely happy for anyone else, always had to pull them down.
for him I think it was because of his own insecurity and because he’s a very proud person. But it’s not a nice trait. You want a partner who is your biggest cheerleader and bigs you up.

I think it is his own insecurities. It’s like he doesn’t want us to think highly of ourselves because we’re not pros!

He used to spend a lot of time taking part in a different sport with pros. He was really good at it, but not as good as the guys he was doing it with. So if you’re not a pro, you’re not very good.

OP posts:
LovelyDaaling · 22/09/2024 21:44

He hates to admit you did well and he feels a failure because other men were better than him.. He's small minded, jealous and doesn't like you going out for the day.

MultiplaLight · 22/09/2024 21:44

There's a difference between being humble and proud, than thinking too highly of yourself.

He needs to stop.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2024 21:45

So he is just shitting on it. It's not a joke.

I'd try a last attempt using When...I feel...Because...Please.

When you 'joke' and make comments belittling my cycling
I feel hurt and deflated
Because it's important to me and I try hard. It's also important for DD to see my accomplishments.
Please don't 'joke' about me not being good. Please encourage and support me.

If he can't, I'm afraid that would be a dealbreaker for me.

Just to give you an idea of what a good man does... I have lost a bit of weight running and watching my food over the last few months. Short distances, only three runs a week, and I'm slow. A mutual friend hasn't seen me for a while and said, "you've lost weight" I said something modest and vaguely self-deprecating. DH said, "she's had the eye of the tiger, mate, properly committed". It was lovely.

Tusktusk · 22/09/2024 21:45

Dear OP,

You are not being over-sensitive.

He is a dick.

My ex was a bit like this too.