Am I being sensitive, or is my dh a dick?

[oObyeOo]

Recently got back from a biking event. A sport that I’d say I’m alright at. I spend a lot of time on my bike, pushing myself to try harder and get better. I’m not amazing at it but I can hold my own in enduro races and national events/festivals.

The last few enduros I’ve done I’ve been on the podium for my category.

This weekend was an all women’s festival. It was great fun! Full of women at varying abilities, including pro riders. Everyone was so friendly and encouraging. I had such a great time and felt really good about myself. I even won a fun time trial race for my age group.

I got home all excited and was telling dh about it and he’s completely deflated me with his comments.

Why can’t he just say ‘well done’ ‘Sounds amazing!’ Instead he says ‘were you the only one in your category’ said with a laugh, as a joke apparently. And ‘well done, for someone who doesn’t even pump on a pump track’

It’s just so off hand, and I cashed him out on in. But he just dismissed it as he’s only having a laugh!

But why?! Why not just say well done and leave it at that?

Classic example of negging with a bit of misogyny about women's sports/ achievements thrown in. Very unattractive :(

Your daughter will pick up on this, perhaps only subconsciously. If he won't change for you perhaps he will consider the message it sends her?

This has been an issue throughout, but on a lower level. I very rarely go away for a full weekend. So I was buzzing more than ever when I got back over how great the whole weekend was, airbrush time with like minded woman, and learning loads! I was buzzing for my daughter too as she had such a good time.

So it hit harder than if he’d said it after a normal day.

Also, this is exactly why women's sports events like this are so important. Sounds like a fantastic weekend and well done to you and your daughter 👏

I don't think you're being oversensitive, no.

Are you spending a lot of time on your hobby, does he have similar levels of free time and does he resent you being absent a lot?

Have you become a bore about your hobby?

Honestly if DH spent huge amounts of time on a hobby and left me holding the fort without the same level of freedom I don't think I could summon up any interest in the hobby either.

But yeah likely a dick.

I love hearing about this sort of thing, the doing well and enjoying yourself. Good for you!
He sounds like an utter prick.

Not at all. We both work full time. I have weekends off and he works on a 3 week rotation away from home. So when he’s home he has 3 weeks of free time. So if anything he has way more time than I do. I have weekends and evenings.

We spend every weekend as a family, but always involves biking as the kids are mad keen too. My dh is really in to his biking.

Well done OP.
He's a PITA

Absolutely agree with this OP! If you do exactly what this poster suggested, and he can't sit up and make a huge apology, and then take a whole different approach in future, I would be planning a whole different future, which he's not a part of.

Also, 'MrsTerryPratchett' doesn't it feel wonderful when your DH praises you to the hilt, about something that you didn't really think he'd taken that much notice of? My DH does this, and it really makes me aware of how much he's out there routing for me. Love that man!!

Sounds like a twat but why would he be jealous?

He's jealous and nasty

Because I went away without him and left him without the car. Not sure!!

I reckon that all people who say "Just having a laugh!" when they have manifestly hurt another person should be made to run away and join the circus.

He sounds like a tosser. I'd think very hard about whether you want to spend your life with someone who puts you down when he should be happy for you. It sounds like a miserable existence.

Yeah that's definitely his own insecurities manifesting in trying to drag you down.
What a cunt

Echoing the first response, it sounds like he doesn't like you if he wants to put a dampener on your happiness. But, OP, do you not feel that his reaction is killing your love for him?

A DH should be someone who you want to share good news and achievements with, someone who will cheer you on. This guy seem be doing the opposite. I can imagine you feel less and less excited about sharing good things with him. I'd be liking him less and less tbh.

Exactly this.

Could he be being extra twatty due to jealousy that you're having fun with your daughter specifically while biking, without him? Given biking is also something he's into.

You’re not being ‘sensitive’ jokes are meant to be funny.I agree, with another comment, who said, he rained on your parade.You were buzzing, would have been good to of celebrated it.You’re not being unreasonable, to hope he would be pleased for you, he is.

It really is @FranceIsWhereItsAt

Congratulations! I think I would have either cried or had a massive go. That’s really horrible.

I’m a firm believer that a life partner should be your cheerleader and you theirs. There are enough people trying to pull you down in life, the person who supposedly loves you should be on your side.

I'm not the least bit sporty but it's obvious that you have had a fun weekend pushing yourself to do new and/or better things with a fun hobby and having a great time with your DD, into the bargain and there he goes, taking a great bit shit in the middle of your joy. Definitely dickhead, I'm afraid.

Don't question yourself. Work out what you want to do about it. That obviously will not be accepting his "just bants, innit" excuse.

My DD 15 read this with me earlier and her reaction was "it's only having a laugh if everyone is laughing otherwise it's being mean".

I think she nailed it.

He begrudged your joy and wanted to deflate you, and he did. To me this says he is manipulative, self centred and cruel. He wants to feel superior. You know and sense this, if not maybe you would have laughed with him and taken it as the joke he is pretending it was. Context and history matter, you know/sense he is being a jerk, because he has done it many times before. You’ve just reached your limit or near to the limit and are finding it harder to brush over and overlook. I would be willing to bet that he shows his selfish cruelty, and is manipulative, in other ways too.

It’s possible that he is simply an idiot and that if you could get him to understand how his comments make you feel he would stop. But you’ve already told him and he seemed dismissive so that tells me he doesn’t understand and more importantly doesn’t care. Upsetting you is the feature not a bug.

Maybe it’s because he feels jealous and insecure, as well as left out. Maybe if you try to include him in a similar occasion that’s open to men too, and he feels more included he would be more supportive; but honestly I doubt it. So I do not think you’re being sensitive, a person who cares about you and likes you should be happy for you and celebrate your achievements.

She did.