To think that parents should be more responsible for their children’s behaviour in public?

[Silentfriend]

Yesterday I had an experience at a cafe where a group of kids were running around, shouting, and causing chaos while their parents seemed oblivious, chatting away without intervening. It really got me thinking about how parents are often not held accountable for their children’s behaviour in public spaces.

I feel that part of being a parent includes teaching kids how to behave in social situations. It felt unfair to those of us trying to enjoy our time when it seemed like the parents didn’t care about the impact their children were having.

AIBU for feeling frustrated about this? Shouldn’t parents step up and take responsibility, or am I being too harsh?

I completely agree Imustlearntocook. I don't think UK is child friendly. The difference is societies that like children, welcome them into a space and don't expect them to be ' controlled' at all. If kids are being loud in a restaurant in Italy or Spain everyone will send them outside. It's not seen particularly as parents responsibility.

Kids playing out on their own, together isn't seen as a threat. Other people will interact with them. You still get a bit of 'wait till I see your mother Giacamo' if they think they've done something naughty but it won't be to tell the mother off for poor parenting.

I am always taken by the aspects of kids books from 50s and 60s which were seen of signs of adventurous characters - like scrumping apples from next door. Which would now be shamed and criminalised.

You can’t restrain them all the time though, they do need some opportunities to explore.

You can’t keep them restrained 100% of the time unless in a playground or a private space - doesn’t work, especially if you live in a city.

Then you hold hands, you use a little life style backpack, you go to soft play. There are plenty of options which don’t include them running around a hotel lobby to the point they can get behind the desk.

@Sirzy yes, you should stop them going behind the desk. Yes, you should be ensuring they aren’t annoying other people.

But - no you can’t hold their hand or have them on reins 100% of the time. Nor have to go to a soft play if you want them to be able to explore a bit.

If you are in a hotel lobby, waiting to check in or whatever, your toddler has been strapped into a car seat for two hours - yes I think it’s reasonable to let them explore a bit.

That’s what other posters are saying about the UK not being very child friendly - a toddler wandering around in a public space isn’t automatically a nuisance, and they shouldn’t need to be ‘restrained’ at all times unless in a soft play.

Recently at Euston station I was waiting for someone near to the piano. My train got in sooner than hers by about 30 minutes.

A man fixated on his phone while presumably his 3 young children who were bashing, banging and basically trying to demolish the piano for about 25 minutes. He never looked up from his phone, not once.
The noise and witnessing this was very distressing. The place was full of travellers.

One man stood silently watching, waiting for them to finish.when eventually they did, he sat down and played it beautifully.

A whole station full of people turned with pained expressions looking at these kids and the father who was completely oblivious. He seemingly couldn’t hear any of it despite being stood next to them. All those people and not one approached.

It was the worst of the worst, noise, destruction, zero respect for things not belonging to them, just shocking. Responsible adult could give a shit.

child Friendly isn’t letting children wander anywhere.

there are ways to let the child stretch their legs without just leaving them wandering around into areas they shouldn’t be and if a parent was right behind them while they explored that couldn’t happen.

the UK isn’t child unfriendly, it’s poor parenting unfriendly!

The uk is the worst for children, no one seems to have any tolerance or help for children. When I go to other countries Portugal, Spain, America they are much friendlier for children.

You are completely right. If people aren't going to parent their children then stay home with the monsters and don't ruin the experience of gong out for everyone else.

🙄 A hotel lobby is not a place for a toddler to explore ffs.

Don't get me wrong, I had my fair share of my toddlers getting into mischief when I had to let go of their hand to pay for something etc, but I never let them explore places that weren't appropriate.

There are places where you can let your toddler explore/run free, and there are places where you have to hold their hand/restrain them for everyone's safety and convenience. It's not rocket science.

I didn't say they should be restrained all the time, however the scenario pp described in the hotel is one where they should be restrained.

There's plenty of tolerance for children. There's decreasing tolerance for entitled parenting.

The thing I find difficult about this is that I wouldn't let DS run around in a café, or climb the fence and jump all over the gardening equipment on the cricket pitch (yesterday) but so many other parents do and at five that's hard for him to understand, his friends are allowed but he's not, similar with other parents turning up to school every day for pick up with large bags of Haribo. That's the village approach I need, a general consensus of what's ok. I still tell him no and he understands people have different rules and attitudes to things, but that's a big concept for a young child.

It can be a bit of a catch 22. Parents should absolutely keep an eye and correct/re direct their kids behaviour.

We're quite "on it" as much as possible with our ds as he has some additional needs, so his social skills and risk awareness aren't the best. We try to keep an eye, keep him engaged, correct or distract as much as we can when out and about as this really helps minimise any disruption.

But we have had comments along the lines of "helicopter parents" or "performance parenting" a few times so yeah sometimes I feel like I can't do right for doing wrong.

If I was "letting him make mistakes" by letting him run into things or growl at people or was ignoring him while he stared at a screen, no doubt I'd get judged for that too 🤷

Parents never seem to parent these days. Children always seem to be screaming and are never told to be quiet.

@MeadStMary I’m sure the parent was following them around - they’re 19 months old, you’re not going to be taking your eyes off them.

A hotel lobby isn’t a dangerous place for a toddler to be walking around with their parent - far safer than a cafe, more open and not people carrying around hot drinks etc.

I live in the middle of a big city and if I had to keep my child restrained ‘for everyone’s safety and convenience’ ie anywhere that’s not a soft play, my own house or a park - they would be spending most of their life strapped into a buggy, or we would be severely limited from leaving the house to allow them time to move around.

If I saw a 19 month old walking around a hotel lobby I wouldn’t think anything of it. Doesn’t sound automatically disruptive to me.

I do agree it takes a village and all that but parents need to be realistic about where you go/what you do when you have small children.

It's unrealistic to expect a small toddler not to want to run about a bit - especially if they've been in a car for example. But you don't just let them head off and bury your face in the phone!

My Ds couldn't sit still very much so we didn't take him places where that might be expected. Lots of parents do seem to think they can continue their boozy afternoons in the pub while their kids create merry hell! Having kids means sacrifices and one of those might mean either stopping your afternoon pub visit a for a while (for example) or getting a babysitter.

And while European cultures are more child friendly in my experience all adults are more than happy to tell off other people's kids if they are misbehaving.

I can relate to this.
Some people's parenting styles make it harder for others.

A hotel lobby is not a suitable place for toddlers to be wandering around randomly. They need to be holding someone's hand/with 'reins' or even sitting in a stroller/on someone's knee.

If you are in a hotel lobby, waiting to check in or whatever, your toddler has been strapped into a car seat for two hours - yes I think it’s reasonable to let them explore a bit
I really don't get this. If you know your toddler is going to want to explore, then you do that, with them, gently and appropriately before you go to check in. Or you hold their hands, and you tell them that you promise you will do them right after you speak to the person if they are patient for a little longer.

Kids need to be taught boundaries from very early. They also need to learn the notion of reward after making efforts.

Agree OP, there’s a time and a place for running about and in a cafe is not it. As someone mentioned, from purely a safety point of view. I think a lot of parents these days are selfish and go to places they enjoy rather than considering if it’s appropriate and/or enjoyable for their children (the pub being a prime example 🙄).

That said, I have a 4 year old and she knows how to behave appropriately. Not a fecking chance I’d let her run around in a cafe like that, this is what soft play exists for. It’s not even about the uk being an unfriendly place for children, you as an adult/parent should be judging the situation and having a risk awareness and explaining in an age appropriate manner why running around isn’t suitable in some places.

I live in a city as well. I didn't let my toddlers out of the buggy or let go of their hand in places that weren't appropriate. If we had a particularly boring day where we weren't going anywhere that they could run free then I'd make a point of taking a detour to somewhere they could.

Yeah my dc probably spent more time strapped into their buggies than they would have liked, but tough shit. The world doesn't revolve around me and my DC.

Unsurprisingly, I have noticed that calm adults tend to have better behaved children, whilst those who are themselves loud, make themselves noticed by their behaviour are more likely to have noisy unruly kids.

If the parents think it is acceptable for them, they are not going to think their kids are doing anything wrong.

What gets me is the amount of parents who simply abandon their kids when in a shop have no idea what they are up to and leave them open to hurting themselves/wandering off/being taken.
I've worked for many years in retail and see it daily, the parents have no idea what their little darlings are up to as are often out of earshot and sight and this isn't accidental either.
Things get broken, they run around in the way of others and sometimes in the case of younger ones get distressed when they can't find mum.
Why do some parents just not give a damn!

You're wrong on it being reasonable for them to explore a hotel lobby while the parent is checking in.

Other people are using the lobby. People are moving bags around. Staff need to get through. It is not a safe place for a toddler to be wandering/running around.

If a child has been strapped in for several hours, they absolutely need to be able to let off steam. In an appropriate place. Hotel lobbies are not those places.

@Neinneinnein

gotmychristmasmiracle
The uk is the worst for children, no one seems to have any tolerance or help for children. When I go to other countries Portugal, Spain, America they are much friendlier for children.

There's plenty of tolerance for children. There's decreasing tolerance for entitled parenting.

No honestly they are way more welcoming, in airports they have prams for children hanging up so you don't need to take your pram through, children lanes in queues. This is the norm probably so non children people don't have to put up with the children 🤣 it just makes life a little easier for parents and children. I don't really see much entitled parenting in the uk, think everyone is just trying to get through it as best they can.